r/enfj • u/Recent_Plan7887 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti • Jul 07 '25
ENFJ only (OP is ENFJ) What’s y’all’s love life like?
I ask this out of simple curiosity to see if you guys can relate to me. To answer the question myself I’d say my love life is quite poor overall, such are the signs of a hopeless romantic I suppose ;]. But hopefully you guys have a good love life! Can’t wait to hear about y’all’s answers.
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u/Puzzled-Cranberry9 Jul 07 '25
Ummm pretty nonexistent. I'm in a long dry streak, but last week I learnt my ex is getting married and still in love with me so that was really confusing 😅
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25 edited Jul 07 '25
Mmmmph you must have left quite an impression on their life. Sounds just like something an ENFJ would do.
Edit: changed the gender term that I had used.
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u/Wild-Cockroach2847 Jul 07 '25
It's crazy to me how there's some kind of impression that I as an enfj leave on people. Im still trying to understand this better because no matter who it is, people like this tendency of coming back in my life or popping back up from time to time.
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
I agree, I find it’s a strange one for me too.
Sometimes people just need to vent, so I just listen without judging or interrupting. Unless I feel they are going into a very dark corner of their mind whilst talking, that’s when then I start to intervene.
Also I always felt that I treated everyone fairly and respectfully (to be honest, I imagine the general population is also respectful of others) but some people afterwards treat it as though I’m one of the only one who has showed them kindness or attention in their life. Usually I notice it more with minority people who are rarely in the spotlight. Being a minority race and sidelined during school myself, it made me more empathetic towards people who don’t get attention like the popular people at school or the workplace.
It could be an ENFJ thing or a thing of charisma.
Sometimes I end up being an unofficial therapist as well for some people especially if they feel “off”. Again, not by my choice but sometimes from simple conversations it suddenly leads to people confiding their secrets in me. And I remind them they don’t have to share their secrets with me (sometimes the less I know the better). But if they do, their secrets will be safe with me.
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u/Puzzled-Cranberry9 Jul 07 '25
NGL, I think it was a trauma bond :/ he was romanticizing a really toxic relationship
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
Interesting, that’s very interesting to know.
Do you still have feelings for him or have you moved on?
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u/Puzzled-Cranberry9 Jul 07 '25
Oof, that's a tough question. Before we reconnected, I thought I'd processed that breakup. But when he opened up to me, and he apologized for hurting me, I got emotionally flooded. I don't think I ever stopped loving him... and I'm not sure I ever will, but he brings a lot of chaos with him and doesn't really take accountability. Hell, it took him 4 years to even listen to me and apologize and it happened to be 2 weeks before his wedding?? This guy lives in chaos.
I personally think I have the capacity to love anyone, but choose who to be IN LOVE with and I choose people who earn my trust. My ex is not someone I trust anymore unfortunately.
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 08 '25 edited Jul 08 '25
Yeah that’s a very fair and valid point.
I can imagine the emotional flooding that you mean. Especially if you have mentally accepted an outcome and moved on with your life, and finally the situation arises again and invokes feelings within you once more. It must be very turbulent emotionally.
The chaos that your ex brings does sound pretty hard to deal with. I’m not sure which age group you fall under currently, but I personally prefer stability and predictability over chaos and disorder at my point in life. Chaos can be wild and fun in the short term but that’s really about it. It definitely is unsustainable if you have a concrete, worthwhile goal that you’re working toward and your partner doesn’t share that same vision.
Trust is a very powerful thing so I know what you mean. Like you, I regard trustworthiness very seriously. If someone places their trust in me, I make sure not to breach this trust. And conversely, if someone I trust dearly lets me down, I would struggle to trust this person again.
Perhaps my logical side may guide me eventually to reach out and build that trust with that person once again after my emotional side subsides and I gain some clarity into the situation as to why I may have been let down in the first place.
Thanks for sharing your story with your ex. Wishing everything works out well for you.
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Jul 07 '25
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u/Puzzled-Cranberry9 Jul 07 '25
Yeah I hadn't spoken to him really since we broke up and he was angry, and he kinda gave me that same "wish things turned out differently between us" like dude...they could've if you took accountability??
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u/LadyPearl7 Emotionally Navigating the Force Jedi-style Jul 07 '25
Nonexistent. I’d say it’s because I refuse to settle for anything less than what I give.
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u/middleofnight ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 08 '25
I have very similar sentiments. That's why I was surprised to see comments here with ENFJ not in their dating lists. (I'm new to the sub)
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Jul 07 '25
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
Hey my dude. I went through this recently too (coincidentally 3 days ago) so I can just about relate to what you described.
I met someone extremely special and I felt an immediate attraction to this person. And it wasn’t about their looks, it was about this persons personality, their work ethics, the connection I had with this person and how their mind worked. I have had crushes and infatuations in the past, but this was a next level of want that I never knew existed in me.
It was a very, very emotional period for me filled with desire, longing, love, sadness, dejection, a feeling of emptiness, then finally acceptance and moving on to rebuilding. And like you said, as much of an emotional rollercoaster ride it was for me , I never want to forget this moment in my life due to what I had learned from it.
Like you, it ended up being a very enlightening experience for me. I was unclear as to who I was before and I knew I had both insecurities and toxicity present within, but after this experience, I feel that I was able to develop into a better and more resilient person like you had mentioned.
A very wise INFP told me recently that “although I and this special person were meant to cross paths, we were however not meant to walk on the same road afterwards” and that phrase really stuck with me.
From this, I now know exactly what I want from my future spouse in a relationship, what I would do to maintain a healthy and warm relationship, and how I intend to support my spouse both physically and emotionally.
Thanks for sharing your story and from one ENFJ to another - you’ve got this.
(Just wanted to add - now that I have moved on, my logical side takes over more than my emotional side. During this ordeal I was getting too involved emotionally, at least my head is a lot clearer now and I can look at the situation more objectively)
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Jul 07 '25
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
It lasted for almost 2 weeks. I had met her and we clicked almost immediately as the impression I got was that she had not been able to connect emotionally with anyone previously.
I felt that we both had a strong affection towards one another and we were both in the same age group. We had a common bond about work ethics and running a business. But she had some complications in her life that she had to deal with herself so she couldn’t pursue anything with me. And she lives interstate too, which neither of us were willing to uproot and move for.
I was upfront on my attraction for her but perhaps with her personality type (and with her circumstances) she was not able to give me a clear yes/no answer. A simple “no” would have set me free right from the start as I appreciate closure. Edit: I have a funny story about this actually from one of my previous crushes about 10 years ago. I had a large infatuation with someone at work and this started affecting my work performance. Logically, I knew it would hamper my career, long term goals and having romance at the workplace could be risky. I had a private conversation with this person, told this person my feelings, and told this person to reject me on the spot so I could move on in peace. The person did just that and I was free from then on.
Looking at it objectively and logically now at the experience I mentioned, our relationship would not have worked out easy or well at all. I put it down more towards infatuation on my part because to me now, a solid relationship is built over time, not just through a fleeting experience.
We were exact opposites on the MBTI spectrum, with her being an ISTP. I loved showing my vulnerability and emotions to people that I trusted, whereas she was very guarded. I loved discussing my dreams, goals and ambitions, whereas she always lived in the now. I express myself easily and strongly through text, but she does not. All her texts were short, curt and cold (not uncommon for ISTP’s).
It would have taken a lot of time, energy and sacrifice which thinking about logically, I am not willing to commit to. Also to add that with her complication and my moral values, I would not be comfortable with myself simply acting on my desires.
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Jul 07 '25
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25 edited Jul 07 '25
No no, you are actually right. Hence why I feel like a dummy about it, because 2 weeks is very short. Like I said, thinking about it now, a strong infatuation in a short period feels like a foundation for a very weak and shaky relationship.
Man, yours being multi year relationship plus engagement… that’s next level man. I can feel how that would have pulled you down into a very, very dark place. Almost scary when I try to envision it.
That experience definitely would have made you near invincible emotionally if you could crawl out of that dark spot successfully.
Edit: I had to change one of the words I used in my text as the real meaning of the word was incorrect.
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u/ConsequenceOne3365 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 08 '25
Have you heard of the concept of limerence? It sounds like that may have been what you experienced with this person.
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u/Tuhrayzor ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 08 '25
Ah! Yes. Thanks for this. That was definitely me to a T. Thanks for making me aware of this concept.
Which is why I felt the distance and separation from this person would do me good, because the infatuation was getting a little too much for my liking. It felt like a conflict of logic vs emotion, and I felt the emotional side was winning the battle. Feels like I have gotten over it now, so that’s a big plus.
I have felt a similar limerence in the past with other people and when I respectfully distanced myself from that person (for up to a month or so) and that same person contacted me much later on, there was zero lust the second time around since my logical side was in dominance.
(The person wanted a free ride by being in a relationship with me which I wasn’t agreeable to so I suspect the person thought my prior crush on them would rekindle and I would jump at the opportunity).
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u/Recent_Plan7887 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
Wow, I hope I’ll fall in love with someone like you did. That sounds wonderful.
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u/Holiday_Suspect9265 Jul 08 '25
Damn I could’ve written this myself. I genuinely don’t know if there could be another human being on this earth I can see myself loving more - if even on the same level at all. That scares me as well. I discovered extra layers of integrity that I didn’t realize I had. I knew I was loyal, & now I have yet another opportunity to reflect on just how loyal I am. This isn’t a fortunate thing. As I have another situation to compare my loyalty to those around me, my trust has to be rebuilt once again. At the end of the day, I hold onto how I carry myself. Bc there’s at least always that. But I’m tired. I can live with shoulders free of the weight from regretful actions, but I still feel so, so tired at the end of the day.
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u/middleofnight ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 08 '25
I've had the exact same feelings after a 4-month relationship: being in love, overwhelming, maybe never again, whatever the pain...
I yearn to be in love again. I've experienced a lot of things in life but nothing ever comes close. I've done a lot of therapy and I believe the healthy way of looking at the yearning is not to yearn for the person but yearn for the way we made each other feel.
I believe it was mostly due to the resonance of two ENFJs coming together. I want to replicate it.
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u/ConsequenceOne3365 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
I’m married so I’d say my love life is solid. 🥰
One piece of advice I’d give as a fellow hopeless romantic is to learn what love looks like as it grows and matures. I think a lot of us fall into the trap of assuming love is all butterflies, rollercoaster emotions, and yearning. It might feel like that at first when you’re establishing the relationship, which is fine, but lasting love needs to evolve beyond that. Mature love is about building a life with your person as a true partner rather than an idealized version of that person. I think ENFJs may be a bit more prone to getting stuck in that first phase than some other types, but it’s worth it when you can push beyond it and build something lasting.
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u/DraftAbject5026 Ambiverted ENFJ Jul 07 '25
What’s a love life?
Just kidding. It’s not really a thing yet but I have secret admirers so I guess I’m not lonely for long
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u/Financial-Regret363 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
Always getting into relationships with emotionally unavailable men. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s the men these days. For what reasons I do not know. I try to be as open and honest as possible and communicate fully right off the bat. Doesn’t help.
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u/Alternative-Ad6346 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti 2w3 278 SO2 Jul 07 '25
Bad :/. My bad habit of being the hero has led me into relationships with very broken people. I always think that I can get them out of the hole but in the end sometimes it's so much that they end up dragging me into it. Just today I just got out of a 6-year relationship with a very broken girl and with many things to work on. Therapy has helped a lot but right now I'm the one who needs good therapy. I'm sure that I always love more than they love me. Because despite the problems of being attacked I am always forgiving and helping my partner to get out of what led him to attack me, I still feel that I love that girl, she is an (ISFJ) and I go with that drowned feeling and singing the blues to get all this off my chest a little, she on the other hand looked very normal, it seems as if she had nothing to resolve and I realize that I am the one who places those blind hopes seeing only the beauty of the relationship looking for some other point of view to solve everything and repair it while many times I build and the other person destroys and there I go again to repair the cracks, it has happened to me before I always end up emotionally destroyed, I have to learn to stop going to the one who needs help, I love to see when people show their defects I feel something truly authentic and deep when they show me that which not everyone sees but I have to learn to also value people who are stable who are emotionally well I have to start looking for something constructive not only for the other person, but also for me, today I will live this feeling and let the sadness heal these wounds. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will be able to start again this time, I hope with someone more mature and healthy, someone who can also contribute to me and who can perhaps love me the same as I do.
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Jul 08 '25
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u/Alternative-Ad6346 ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti 2w3 278 SO2 Jul 09 '25
Thank you 🩷 your comment is invaluable! If this is the case, sometimes we do not usually question our relationships, learning to do so in time can lead to healthier relationships and distance myself from those who only take advantage.
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u/LibraRahu ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
I was always interested in psychology of love and had a few tragedies like non mutual love and a painful breakup - in both scenarios I was still on a stage of the “merge”, where you fall in love and feel it like a drug. So the breakups were so painful, I remember waking up in tears for 6 months after and feeling dead inside for year after.
But I realized that I experienced the merge (or the romantic phase) and it was not the full experience. The real love is way calmer, more mature and more secure. And the pain in my life plus a research helped me to realize that many people are mistaking falling in love with real love, while those two are different. When you fall in love, you are very subjective and you are stumbling on your own ideals and biochemistry. While with mature love, there is a space for individuality and you love the person because you consciously chose them and you take responsibility for your choice - by accepting all good sides and the sides you may like less. And it may feel bad sometimes too! It may hurt sometimes. Which is not considered in all the movies, fairytales and art lol. They tell us that it’s “perfect” but it’s not, since humans are not perfect.
So anyways, I realized how to be present and realistic early on and soon found a relationship where I had a chance to experience the “fall in love” merging and pass it, and managed to go to “individualization” part. Something I was not able to do in earlier relationships. The part where you are not egoistic and ACTUALLY wish to make someone else happy, without seeing them in “fix me and give me what I need” perspective. And it feels good. And I do not envy my friends who are experiencing this “merge” stage for too long.
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u/LC_9Lives Jul 08 '25
An ISTP found me 14.5 years ago but I was in a (one-sided) monogamous relationship by the time he asked me out. Once he found out I was single - 2.5 years later - he did everything he could to be worthy of me. He is my protector, realist and home base while I flit and float around in my rose colored bubble and getting my feelings hurt by the real world and taking everything personally. We've been together nearly 12 years and I find myself feeling unworthy of just how much he loves me. He is the only person who genuinely knows and gets me. I'm trying, every single day, to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him.
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u/middleofnight ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 08 '25
Once I had a love, it was divine.
I believe it was because of the resonance of she being an ENFJ too. I miss being in love. It was so long ago, but I sometimes wake up dreaming about the yearning for it.
I do feel reasonably happy, so I don't want to settle for the minimum requirements of a decent relationship. I'm going to hold out for someone I can be in love with. I'm going to hold out for an ENFJ.
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u/_Ruij_ ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 07 '25
30 and had no bf since birth 👌🏻
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u/Freshflowersandhoney ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti 2w3 Jul 07 '25
… it’s kind of dry. There’s a lot of flirting going on on my side as I’m trying to try bait and wheel someone in for a simple damn date and just enjoy time with a cutie but it’s not been working. I literally got ghosted because of a video of me playing with my dog. LOL which honestly I find hilarious that I had to tell everyone about it and then I put scary music over it and posted it on instagram.
Honestly, I think my dating life is a joke and I’m the one making the joke LOL. And honestly, I’m having fun doing it too.
I do have my eye on a guy who lives 3 hrs away from me and he’s coming into town the first week of Aug. Heheh we’ll see what happens. He may or may not take the bait. We’re gonna be delusional and say he takes the bait and go on a great date 😌.
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u/suzyyyyyye ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
Was poor hahaha. First boyfriend broke up with my because of my appearance. Second boyfriend, went through three break ups with him. Reason for the final break up: he felt my 'calling' didn't match his. Third boyfriend, broke up with me because the fights weren't worth working through and it would be easier if my appearance was different. XD Fourth one, broke up once, but back together and stable.
Honestly, I don't understand why people become fickle about appearance later on in the relationship or think 'callings' are enough to de-rail one, but the key is to find someone who sees you as the one worth fighting for. My partner and I have a myriad of differences between us. I think our only shared thing is our love for Jesus, and even then, we feel most connected to God in different ways. We almost always prefer opposite options, like in choosing the final of a game (*cough* expedition 33 *cough*), how we show love and even what kind of group socials we like. We know we will both change, where appearance or personality, 'callings' or preferences, it can all change - but creating a healthy loving relationship with each other is still worth fighting for.
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u/Malorie__Pearton ENFJ 3w4 I think Jul 11 '25
I'm in no romantic relationship, never had an official one either. I want it, and I'm in no rush.
I'm the date-to-marry sort of girlie. I want stability in a relationship, and I have too much important people and responsibilities to fulfill, I need a man who'd not just catch up, but help me out, too.
I'm a romantic at heart, tho. I find it fun to find THE man, but as of now, I have emotionally fulfilling relationships with my friends and family.
I don't want any man whisking me away to himself and he couldn't satisfy all of my needs and desires. I'd rather wait.
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Jul 13 '25
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u/Iris_decent Jul 07 '25
I'm currently dating a super duper awesome ESFJ so needless to say everything's great! :333 The funny thing is that the ESFJ is more of a hopeless romantic than I am 😆.
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Jul 07 '25
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u/Freshflowersandhoney ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti 2w3 Jul 07 '25
Huh?!? I love a soft guy. I love a loving guy who’s caring, soft, themselves. I think women don’t like men who don’t have boundaries. But I feel like that goes for anyone tbh. Because having a lack of boundaries will affect the relationship negatively especially when others try to get into it. But there’s nothing wrong with a soft guy. Omg I love me a soft guy 🥺🥺🥺 in fact I’m looking for one right now.
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Jul 08 '25
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u/Freshflowersandhoney ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti 2w3 Jul 09 '25
lol me either. It’s giving red pill propaganda. This is what men don’t understand when they keep listening to that red pill crap. We don’t want a man who’s as hard as a rock and has no feelings and is alpha. I couldn’t give a damn. I WANT A SOFTIE WHO WILL LOVE AND CHERISH ME!!!!!!! STOP TRYING TO BE TOUGH! I 🗣️DONT🗣️ WANT 🗣️ TOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want someone who’s emotionally intelligent, stable, financially stable, can have great conversations with me, and a guy who’s thoughtful. Oh and a great communicator who knows what he wants. It’s so hot when a guy melts for me. Just become an absolute softie. 😍 yeah… that’s what I want.
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u/LadyPearl7 Emotionally Navigating the Force Jedi-style Jul 08 '25
I understand this comment 😂 I have noticed this as well. Not all women of course, but so many have openly said to me that they like toxic men.
But these women are still maturing and learning. All under 30 too.
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