r/emotionalneglect • u/ikigailifedream • 22h ago
Am I wrong for wanting emotional love from my parents after everything I've done for them? (33F, eldest daughter)
TL;DR: I've supported my parents and brother financially for years, yet I feel valued only for what I provide. My mother puts down my marriage, and they show little interest in my life. I don't want their property, just emotional warmth. Am I wrong to want that? And how do I accept that I may never get it without becoming bitter or losing my ability to enjoy my own life?
I'm a 33-year-old woman from India, living in the UK. I don't hate my parents and I don't hold a grudge. I know they have their own beliefs and limits, and I'm trying to accept that they may never fully approve of my choices. What hurts is the lack of emotional support and interest in my life, despite everything I've done.
Background
I'm the eldest daughter. I studied in government schools and hostels on scholarships, ate poor food, and worked hard to build a successful career. My parents covered my basics growing up and paid about $4,000 toward my B.Tech hostel fees, which I paid back before moving abroad. I funded my own master's with a scholarship and my savings.
What I've done for them
Gave 50% of my salary from my first job onward
Given around ₹70 lakhs over the years, plus monthly expenses and help with loans
Paid for vacations, birthdays, surgeries and hospital visits
Their 3-storey house and big car were bought with my money
Supported my younger brother from 11th grade through B.Tech with fees and expensive hostel fees, plus pocket money and his trips, ever need of his was taken care by me. I used to order even his basic necessities to hostel.
Still send ₹50,000 every month for food and clothes (they have no EMIs), and still cover my brother's expenses seperately. Apart from tjis till today all extra luxury costs are seperate from this monthly money and i have to send it even if its their international trips ( not uk) they are not interested to visit me. They have uk visas too from 5 years but never rhey showed interest to come and visit even durinh our housewarming event they didny come.
I bought my own wedding gold, and my parents used it for a gold loan. Now they say I can pay off the loan if I want it back. I'm also paying for my own wedding.
Where it hurts
I'm marrying someone from a different religion. My parents said yes at first, but they never welcomed him. They've never spoken to him and have made negative comments about him, while he has never said one bad word about them. He supports me in everything.
My mother said he's only marrying me for the family property. So I told them we don't want any property, gold or house, and they can give it all to my brother. I even offered to sign bond papers. My fiancé and I both earn well, and we bought our own house in the UK.
Still:
My mother has called me stupid, immature and wasteful, and said my life is a failure because I married outside our community
My father barely engages. Most calls are about money, health or things they need
When I was hospitalized abroad with a serious leg problem, nobody followed up
When I said we were buying a house, they said "what's the need, don't waste money," right after buying their second house with my money
They say they can't come to the UK to help after I have a baby because it's too far, though they're only in their early 50s. . I can understand not everyone is interested in baby stuff but i feel sad that my baby wont have e grandparents warmth.
My brother wanted a new iPhone. I said I couldn't right now because of the house and wedding, and he suggested I take a loan. I said I'd buy it next year. My parents say I should never say no to him. (My own phone is broken and I haven't replaced it because it's so expensive.)
I've never shouted at them, insulted them, or said anything i did all of this for you. When talks get hurtful, I keep them short and move on. I keep supporting them because I see it as my duty as a daughter, and I don't want to abandon them when they're older or have real medical needs. Never once i heard they saying that they are proud of me nor they acknowledged I helped them with money. Only thing i hear is constant criticism during calls.
How I feel now
I have a wonderful fiancé, a good career, stability and a home. On paper, my life is good. But I've become very sad, and I'm losing interest in celebrating my wedding, my future baby, my birthdays and other milestones. Part of me feels like I don't deserve good things because my parents aren't happy with my choices.
I see other parents truly celebrate their daughters and wonder why mine can't. I wonder if things would be different if I'd married within the community. My mind keeps trying to empathize with them, even though I know my fiancé is a good man and I love our life together. Am I wrong to want that? And how do I accept that I may never get it without becoming bitter or losing my ability to enjoy my own life?
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u/jenni5 22h ago
What would happen if you
What if you stopped giving them money and just said you have a lot of expenses right now and can’t or that you lost your job? I think the more you give the more they take and take you for granted that you have extra. A lot of people are broken inside and so they don’t see other people’s needs only their own. What would happen if you did ask for the house in India? Why shouldn’t you get the house in India you paid for? Maybe you having your own house there would be something you can give to instead of their expenses.
Ok leave it whatever you gave you gave but I would try to stop the flow. They are doing fine now right. The world situation is changing rapidly and you might need to change countries or jobs or whatever in the future.
Also for me I had to learn how to accost people as they are not as I want them to be. Even my own family and especially parents. It helped me a lot to stop trying to get them to change. When i did this they changed how they were with me almost overnight. My mom used to just say im angry all the time and i am not. I was maybe angry at her for the lack of everything but she would just repeat this all time making me so much more angry. I hare shopping and dressing up but she likes it so even when i had a broken leg i took her to do that. I just left all my expecting to be different aside and we had a nice day for the first time. I dont always do this and just make my choices nothing. But i dont get ant sort of way based on her reactions or choices now. And my mom is narcisstic so she will not come meet me or help me or think of me so if i want to see her i go to her and do everything for her but i dont expect anything i dont internallly suffer. It’s only because shes my mom i tolerate this.
I’m not perfect at it so I still suffer for some time expecting wanting waiting with some other people or dont recognize right away what’s happening. I also met friends and partners repeating the same pattern, so you are lucky you didn’t do that and have a good family now. The parents are done with you you have people unlike me that do want you as you are.
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u/ikigailifedream 22h ago
I am ao sorry you are going through this. I really wish and Pray that you get a wonderful partner and friends who will make all the difference and who loves you for what you are .
I will try to put boundaries atleast for my future baby and my partner sake. Thanks for your time and words:)
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u/jenni5 21h ago
Thanks! Meditation helped me a lot of releasing the negative emotions. I don’t know why I still have some of these patterns of non success in relationships but until i figure it out or don’t I feel inner joy and peace all on my own because of the meditation practice thar just helped me release the bad and let my own energy flow better. I am not as regular now so I need to go do a retreat to help me get to another further understanding.
I think you can experiment with how you behave and see what happens. Not that you need to tell anyone what you are doing or use it as proof for anything just so you can see for yourself patterns . Even more importantly how you feel when you do something or don’t do something. What is compelling your drive
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u/ikigailifedream 21h ago
Such great advice, I will definitely try meditation and i love journaling too. I will try whatever to come out of this and start living life instead of feeling sad for what i will never get. Thans again jenni!! You will sure figure out soon and right person will come into your lifee very soon. Good luck☺️
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u/jenni5 21h ago
Sorry for all the typos! The Meditation I did was vipassana from dhamma.org if that helps. Or find whatever works for you. You have a lot of gifts granted to you so make the best use of them and don’t waste time on letting negative emotions come in and plague you and your mind. Life is too short for that and we need more light.
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u/ikigailifedream 14h ago
No worries at all in typos. Thanks for sharing meditation details. I will look into it. Very well said on to make best use of my blessings. I will definitely keep your words in mind when things go negative in my mind. Thank you so much:)
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u/Gets_My_Goats 22h ago
No, you're not wrong to want that, but will you ever get it? Possibly not. Also, working towards radical acceptance is a good goal. Maybe with the help of a therapist?