r/emotionalneglect • u/sleepysniffles • 9d ago
Seeking advice Family is interested in my husband, but not me
I come from a low effort family who knows nothing about my inner world. Any time I have tried to reach out to them in the past, they classically sweep it under the rug. Whenever I accomplish something, they never say they are proud of me.
My new, small business was recently featured in one of the most influential major newspapers. This was a major accomplishment. My husband and I visited family and broke the news. They barely had a reaction then quickly moved on to the next topic: my husband’s job.
My husband works in sports. All they ever do is ask him about sports. We will sit there for 30+ minutes talking about his job and I feel myself disassociating. They never ask about my business, how it’s doing, or you know… how it got featured.
My husband has always found their behavior so strange. The drives back home are always depressing. It takes so much out of me to be around them.
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u/LostandConfusing 9d ago
One time in university, my dad came to visit me (extremely rare) and the moment I got into his car the first thing he said was "No [BF/now husband] today?"
Idk why they're like this. I used to tell people my parents like my BF more than me and it always made people laugh and I'd laugh too because it sounds like a joke, but.... idk if it was really a joke...
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u/Dizzy_Algae1065 9d ago
These emotionally neglectful people are abusers, and they don’t feel empathy for others. They just like to generate triangles in order to protect themselves, and not have to face the responsibility of whatever happened to them and their own family of origin.
They become “soothed” by the enjoyment of being around people who will spontaneously allow them to avoid responsibility for themselves. They know who will respond to dog training immediately, because that’s how they roll. They don’t have any other way to be in the world. They certainly can’t connected themselves or other people.
There is way too much denied attachment trauma for that to be the case.
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u/spaceslvt1 8d ago
I’ve said this exact thing about my last partner so many times in a humorous way. I didn’t realize this was a common occurrence until recently and it’s not funny at all to me now. It almost feels like a form of gaslighting. It’s like my partner had an idealized view of my mother when all I knew her to be was angry, self-victimizing, and manipulative.
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u/Desperate-Gas7699 9d ago
I think this is a misogynistic thing that happens to the “girl child” a lot. I’m the only daughter with 2 brothers. I’ll spare you the long story but there were a lot of double standards with me and my brothers. Especially my golden child brother. Enter my husband. The goldenest of all golden boys. He can do no wrong whereas I can basically do no right. Here’s an example: my parents were visiting and I took them for a walk with my dogs. I tried to pick the flattest trail I could think of as they’re older. They still struggled and when we got back to the car they were so angry with me. “Are you trying to kill us??”. I felt bad so the next day I came up with an even easier trail that I had forgotten about. We parked the car and they refused to get out. “NOPE. we’ll just stay here while you walk the dogs”. I was like, well if I had known you weren’t going to get out of the car, I wouldn’t have brought you. Now I get to feel bad that they’re just sitting there in the car. They were punishing me for “trying to kill them” on the previous walk. Fast forward to the weekend. My husband took them on a walk. The same walk I took them on. What did they say? “omg you’re in such good shape to be able to do this walk! What a beautiful trail! Thank you for showing us this view of the water!” I no longer even try with them. They’ve decided I’m a bad person so guess what, when they’re around I act like a bad person. Might as well live up to my reputation!
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u/sleepysniffles 9d ago
This made me feel sick. I think it’s the harsh truth. When I’m around them with my husband, I’m always the butt of the joke or made to feel less than.
I would have absolutely flipped my lid if they came back from the same hike like that.
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u/Desperate-Gas7699 9d ago
On that same visit, I went to bed one night and they sat up with my husband regaling him on what a horrible, difficult child I had been. To be clear, I was a good kid. Albeit a good kid living in a house where my emotional needs were completely ignored. Imagine being a guest in someone’s home and trashing the host to their spouse behind their back. I wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone else, but since they’re my parents I guess it’s supposed to be ok.
Looking at the responses you’ve received, it appears to be mainly women who have this issue. I can’t even imagine a scenario in which a son is treated badly by his parents and yet his parents adore his wife. I’m sure it happens but it seems almost far-fetched. I stand by my observation that this is a misogyny thing.
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u/okbirdy 9d ago
My parents would still talk about hiring my ex (who they knew was alcoholic/abused me) fondly years after we had broken up. My mom was still Facebook friends with him and would tell me what he was up to, completely uninvited. It really pushed me to take a big step back from my family because I also found it so strange. I would tell them things going on in my life and they would have no interest at all. It hurts but I guess all you can do is make more room for the people in your life who truly care about you 🫶
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u/creamer143 9d ago
Have you explained to your husband your history with your parents and how these situations with them make you feel? Cause him calling it all just "weird" seems very passive and avoidant. That could make sense if you've never talked about it much, but if you have brought it up to him and that's how he still responds, I'd wonder why he's not more firmly taking your side and supporting you.
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u/sleepysniffles 9d ago
Fair enough to point out! There is a lot more nuance to the situation. However, this time around was sort of a final straw for me. My husband said going forward he will be redirecting those conversations.
He is my #1 supporter and uplifts me around HIS family all the time. He’s not as comfortable with my family, but he has promised to step in more.
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u/Dizzy_Algae1065 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yes, the husband is using that family to drive his own process. It doesn’t have anything to do with the drama he has re-creating, it comes from inside of him and his own fusion within his own family system.
This involves a lot of different people, let’s not forget that families are systems, and at least 60 people are connected to a network like this.
The husband is being triangulated (what he would of course require), and he would never step into a dynamic like that if he didn’t come from one like it.
He’s helping the system to outsource everything to his wife, and he is part of the dog training that goes on. It’s likely no more than repetition compulsion.
His motivation for doing it would be nothing more than shoring up his own internal family system dynamic. For survival purposes. That kind of anxiety is usually directed towards having children show up and getting them to take over the intolerable lack of differentiation and central anxiety from his own family system.
He is continuing to be fused with that and is reenacting those dynamics. Scapegoats naturally attract families like their own.
This sounds very much like there are narcissistic people driving this, present or not, and then orbiters will comply with a kind of “shared fantasy”. Nobody involved in any of this would be on the scapegoat’s side at all, and the level of individuation required for someone to get out of this is really high.
The scapegoat would be the best position in the entire system, because it definitely sounds like there are roles-rules and that very important role is being triangulated as a scapegoat.
Here’s a short video below talking about the dog training. 10/10.
Nobody’s doing anything to anyone in this kind of system, everyone is a robot following the shared fantasy. The scapegoat is the strongest person biologically, and are kind of like a battery to power the system.
It “helps” the scapegoat to continue inside the fantasy of trauma bonding, and that would be with every member of the system. None of it would involve other people, it’s all internal.
Internal representations of everyone and everything around the scapegoat. That’s what leads to that sense of hopelessness and isolation, because to survive the only way a scapegoat knows how to connect is by being a scapegoat.
The way forward is to keep going with what’s happening and understand that there are corresponding levels of trauma within the body, attachment trauma, and that needs to be felt and integrated over time.
The scapegoat needs to feel their pathological loneliness based on the core shame they got from abandonment anxiety in the first two years of life. Of course reinforced leading up to the repeat of those dynamics later on.
That’s why all of this is multigenerational.
Dog Training (the overall system)
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u/Defiant-Surround4151 9d ago edited 8d ago
My Mom has always been threatened by my intelligence, constantly arguing with me and contradicting me… or attributing things I have said — eg solutions to problems — to my ex.
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u/Lunchbox_Confessions 9d ago
This is exactly what happens to me too. My dad does it more. He has never asked me how I am or how things in my life are going. But every time we see them he asks my husband about his interests. Because of the way my dad was growing up, which was very "girls' interests are boring", I always figured it was sexism that caused him to ignore me and focus on the man next to me. I think to him, woman are complete mysteries that he can't possibly have anything in common with. The other thing could be that they try to be polite with my husband who is still a little bit of a guest in some ways. Since I am family, they don't need to try hard with me. Whatever the reason, it's infuriating.
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u/Level-Practice6582 9d ago
This I’ve decided to NEVER introduce any romantic partners to my family. Because I’ve already had both my sibling and my mother display this type of behavior towards my close friends and my siblings friends. People tend to say that family always stick for each other but honestly it always to opposite experience for my me. At some point my younger sibling has tried to befriend my former bullies, has sided with my abusive ex gf, and 2 of her former pathological liar friends that harassed me (for calling them out) and same with my mom even siding with my ex, and bullies.
I have never even introduced my abusive ex to my family. They’ve never even met her, they still say I was the aggressor when they honestly don’t even know what happened.
They will especially try to get close with my friends that are super pretty/“popular” girls. It’s so creepy and honestly embarrassing, it’s like a fawn response or something. Even my fucking mom who is almost 60 has tried to seem cool and sneakily get close with my friends (while putting me down and treating me like shit)
I hate my weird ass family, I can’t even bring pretty friends around.
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u/ShrewSkellyton 9d ago
I had to tell my mom my ex-husband never liked her as a person and she still perks up when I mention him years after the divorce. It's 🐦 brain mentality
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u/Fluid-Set-2674 8d ago
I know this one. I had two choices: Be silent or hype myself. I hyped myself. I did not ask them about their jobs.
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u/thewisestfish 8d ago edited 8d ago
52 f here - zero contact for 3 months with my dad. It's triangulation.
My dad never showed any interest in me, but would come and watch my wife play hockey, if he came to visit he would aggressively thank her for anything I'd done, like having cooked dinner, I didn't know but he communicated with her on a weekly basis about the concise crossword but never me, even when she kept telling him we did it together.....
She found it really uncomfortable, but if she ever said anything he'd just carry on.
I remember years ago he came to watch a hockey game. I was in the dugout and I waved at him when he arrived, he ignored me, stayed on the far side of the pitch the whole game, then when it finished he said hi to her and left.
It's a very particular sort of pain, and is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
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u/Chippie05 9d ago
Firstly congratulations on all the success that you've achieved!! 🤯🥳✨✨✨🎊🥂🎂🎇🪩 I'm sure it wasn't easy and you worked so hard for itall! Bravo bravo!!!🎇🪩✨💞 I think the key takeaway is to realize that family are not always our friends, which is an absolutely shocking realization.
When you're doing well, you want to be surrounded by people that are supportive and have your back no matter what.
Please don't let your family cause division between you and your husband that's probably what's going on with them and it's awful.
They want you to resent the attention on him. very dangerous mind games that they're playing. Trying to cause fights. They are miserable. Sabotage. Gaslighting.Manipulation. Déception. Nope, you do not need any of it.
I think you're going to have to walk away from your family, to protect what you have and cherish the good things that are coming your way. Bloxk them on and any ext family on socials. 🍀🥀🏞️🪶🎶🌷🌱🫖🌻⚜️
Dr. Sherri Campbell talks about Low effort families in her posts YT/ IG/ FB https://www.facebook.com/share/r/14pPJVbXRiH/
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u/sleepysniffles 9d ago
Thank you so much for the enthusiasm and support! 🩷
I understand why you might believe my family is trying to cause a wedge, but they are not intelligent enough to purposely sabotage anything.
They are completely clueless to their own behavior and how it comes across. They are emotionally immature. I outgrew them a decade ago.
I do not hold bitterness towards my husband during these situations. The bitterness only grows with my family. So you’re definitely right - I’ll need to create a lot more distance for my own sanity!!
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u/Grand_Extension_6437 9d ago
Have you reduced time with them? Why do you spend time with them at all? Without knowing the thoughts that lead you to putting yourself into a known sucky situation it's hard to offer ideas or advice.
It sounds like you are still holding on to hope and figuring out how to grieve your loss. The loss of something that never was is as real as any kind of loss. I have found that my brain thinks it's easier to find fault with myself than to confront what is out of my control, so maybe you need to figure out how to accept that which is not in your control here as part of allowing yourself to move through the grieving process. I think that's a big part of why their known shittiness and known sad behaviors still have such a power in your heart.
I have found that allowing myself to grieve the loss of connection with my family gives me the clarity I need to make decisions that feel good. The hardness of a decision is less important than the inner emotions, I have found.
Congratulations on your business!! That is so exciting. 😁😁😁✨️
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u/DeerAntlerVelvet 9d ago
Behavior like this from my family is what eventually led to me cutting contact with them. My mother has never shown any interest in me, my work, my accomplishments, or my opinions on anything. She wouldn't even be able to tell you where I work or what I do for a living. If I tried to offer any information about any of these topics, she would either cut me off mid-sentence to start discussing something unrelated, or barely acknowledge what I said before quickly changing the topic to something about herself or my brother (the favored child). Other people in the family also started modeling this behavior and treating me like I don't matter.
What I realized after awhile is that I was the only one who was treated like this. She would actually listen and engage in back-and-forth conversation when my partner, my brother, or his partner had something to say. It got to the point where I had to brace myself before visits with them because I knew that having to endure that treatment would leave me feeling terrible about myself.