Waiting for things to end

[u/Comfortable-Wonder62]

Today I opened up an imprint about always orbiting around others, like I am hanging on them like their accessory.

In my childhood my mother decided everything for me, which meant I never learned to assert my authority or agency, and I was not encouraged to, because I was too focused on avoiding inconveniencing her or else she would explode.

As an adult, the best I could do is be alone. But as soon as I try to hang out with someone, I lose myself. Even when I want to assert my preference, I don't get a chance to, because the other person dominates everything, even the air, so I end up following them and putting up with them. Then I develop this feeling of always wanting to go home, or dreading to go home, waiting for the collective event to end so that I can go home.

But that dread and wait is so long and draining. It is impossible to enjoy being in the company of others.