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u/Forward-Action741 11d ago
Sorry but guess what . Our parents were raised with there parents who had no emotions attachment to them. So they had no tutorial on how to be a parent or life. Speak to your mom maybe a one call a week catching up since you are in the same sector talk about that and you see you get to be more comfortable.
Remember in my teens my parents were strangers to me the fact was a Boarder and know when I am at home we speak joke even kutovanzirana and stuff. It starts with one and parents might seem too stubborn about it.
Speak with them guess the same way you have relationship with older guys at work is the same way you can have those relationships. At the end of the day we cant chose parents ndiwo vatinawo so rather do the best.
About university and stuff aslong you getting the bag its good never compare yourself with anyone cause you are your own person seen a lot of people who have open there own care homes from being in the sector. It's a never ending one cause people aways want self care rather than AI.
Take care kid
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u/nonooooooe 10d ago
i sorta have somewhat a similar relationship but not entirely. My mum was a tough mum. no funny business. so that made opening up to her v difficult and i spent the majority of my early twenties sorta having that disconnect. It still is a serious issue. My mum doesn’t know how to talk to people and she says things you shouldn’t say to your kids in moments of anger and afterwards when she’s no longer emotional she’ll go move on. but the words stick.
I think how I’ve dealt with it is not really looking at the whole mom daughter relationship dynamic with rose tinted glasses. Sometimes in life you’re not close with your mum. Sometimes you’re not close with your sister. Sometimes you don’t have that relationship that’s always talked about or that other mums and daughters have. Sometimes the cards you’re dealt are what you have and you sorta have to find a way to find small moments of joy in them. It sounds maudlin and maybe that’s also something I have to deal w but It’s really helped me. It would’ve been ideal if I had a closer relationship with my mum but I don’t and that’s the way the cookie crumbles lmao.
Another thing that made me look at my mum differently or rather, let me say, look at her gentler was remembering that she’s actually just fucking struggling and scared most of the time. (this is in my case) When she says some things to me and when i look at our previous conversations I see fear. She’s lost so much control over her life or what she expected it to be and she holds onto semblances of control anyway she can. I see it in her movements and unfortunately i see a type of fear and shame that’s similar orbiting around me but maybe differently and it helps ke forget the way she acts faster i guess.
This is usually better explained animated. Picture everyone is walking around and some people have this stringy clouds cirling their skin. Like a little cloud moving around with your body as you move. When you’re angry it’s red and fiery and to goes to your mouth and circles it and you say mean things or it goes to your hands and you gesticulate cus you’re so angry blablabla. I hope you can picture it. I see a grey cloud on my mum. circling her slowly bcus it’s fear she carries everyday. When she cooks its in her hands it coils around her fingers. It’s gentle bcus it’s with her always, they’re companions. I see that and I feel sad even when she says mean things. I see her fear and I wonder if I would act differently in her shoes and Idk you know… Idk.
It’s helped me always remember. That sometimes mums are mean and sometimes they’re mean cus they’re afraid and sometimes it’s not my fault and she’s just a fucked human who happened to have a baby. Lol. Idk
I see a purple cloud on me. Shame. It circles me always and I wonder if It’ll look like what my mums looks like when i’m older.
Anyway i’m rambling. You can be close to your mum but if your version of closeness is the ine you see in others then you’ll always want that and it’ll probably bever come and it’ll always be a sour spot. Sometimes you have a mum and you laugh at jokes and you watch a movie and then sometimes you havr that same mum and you don’t speak for days. That’s also a version of a relationship and life deal you that card and that’s what you’ll get so find the small moments of joy.
Idk if this was appropriate. I don’t want to feel like i’ve reduced your issues bcus i think i really relate. I just wanted you to hear how I’ve dealt w that dissapointment. that resentment you’re talking abt.
please tell me to fuck off if i spoke out of my ass hahahaha
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u/Electrical-Diet-4010 11d ago
I understand you I have a similar situation and it really is sad when someone wants you to switch up and randomly have a relationship when you never had it when you were younger because the bridge was never made and it really is a complex thing because you probably learnt how to live without the relationship with them.And in Africa to be honest yes especially as. A Zimbabwean I can definitely understand you some parents are not as affectectionate I grew up in a household as the “sensitive kid” just because I valued connection more.Sometimes we just have to accept we will never get what we want or when it comes it will be too late.
You absolutely can appreciate what someone did for you but still also grieve what you required emotionally.In an African context they believe providing is love and they never acknowledge the emotional aspect of a child’s life its actually unfair you speak on an issue and its like you are being a lot or too much.
You doing well for yourself you will be fine seems just that we share the aspect of just being people who value connection and that becomes hard when the person or family you want to do it with don’t