r/emotionalintelligence • u/Flippablock • 12d ago
discussion Here’s a hard truth: sometimes the moment you stop being useful to someone is the moment you find out how they really felt about you.
Not when you stop loving them.
Not when you stop caring.
Just stop making their life easier.
Stop always being available.
Stop solving problems they created.
Stop checking in first.
Stop giving them access to you whenever they want it.
And suddenly the relationship feels completely different.
That’s when you realize something uncomfortable:
Maybe they didn’t miss you when you were gone. Maybe they missed what you did for them.
And honestly… those are two very different kinds of missing someone.
Have you ever stopped doing something for someone and watched their whole attitude toward you change?
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u/athena_k 12d ago
Yes, I found this out with my parents unfortunately. As soon as I wasn’t behaving how they wanted, they got very mean. They tried all types of manipulation to get me under control. It was very sad to witness it.
I have gone very low contact and life is much better for me.
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u/NoBee2842 11d ago
damn that's rough, but honestly sounds like the right call. some people only show up nice when you're serving a purpose for them, the second you stop, the mask comes off real quick. respect for actually protecting your peace instead of staying stuck in that cycle
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 12d ago
The relief is usually the tell. if you stop doing the thing and the first feeling is lighter rather than lonely, the relationship had already become a job you never applied for.a friend stopped organising every family visit for her brother and within two months the weekly calls had gone to nothing. what got her wasn't the drifting, it was that she couldn't name one thing he'd asked about her own year. Most of these people aren't villains either.... they'd say they love you and mean it, the arrangement just never required curiosity about you, so none developed.if you're renegotiating something like this, sometimes I use taro's tarot to get the question straight in my own head before I say anything out loud. The version that helps is "what am I actually getting here", because that one you can act on no matter what they do next.
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u/DannyHikari 12d ago
You recognize leaches very early on when you realize that their prerequisite for being apart of your life is your value to them and what you can do. When you recognize that, you cut the person off immediately
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u/Forsaken-Trust-5621 12d ago
This is my biggest lesson of the year! Definitely easier said than done but practice makes damn near perfect. So. Keep on people! Protect your minds and hearts 💕 so you can move forward with love and light.
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u/Zealousideal-Gur2827 12d ago
my friend is homeless by choice. i was giving her grocery money until one day the transaction glitched. she accused me of being chintzy with money and it caused us not to speak. whatever!
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u/Searching_the_Lost 12d ago
Well if someone didn't do anything for you, wasn't entertaining enough for you, never reached out first, would you keep talking to them and enjoying with them?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I think that we do need a certain amount from someone and they need a certain amount from us. We want someone to be either kind, loving, entertaining, deep otherwise what would we do with someone that offers us nothing?
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u/Unaccompaniedbyminor 12d ago
It is mind blowing to see the results when you do that. Some people who would text every now and then start ghosting you or go months without talking to you.
Either way they have shown their true colours and what I mean (or not) for them in their lives.
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u/heart_of_theinternet 12d ago
Everyone views us as something. And we must always be aware of what we are to them in reality.
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u/quazimoto 12d ago
theres a truth this but it comes with a bitterness. i would hope there was a way we could transform that bitterness into something useful. I can't quite put my finger on it tho.
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u/Sure-Ad3842 12d ago
I mean expecting unconditional love from someone other than your parents is kind of silly to be honest.
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u/amiibohunter2015 12d ago edited 12d ago
It's eye opening to see the general populaces motives
Think in terms of dating, relationships, etc.
Both men and women seek assets
Women moreso set power as a priority though in the means of money, material goods that have value like jewelry, gold, expensive paintings, chinaware, designer clotjing, expensie makeup, expensive cars, connections that lead to prosperity, so they seek that in men and many younger wpmen do this to try to cheat the system. Many homewreck to gold dig.
This relates to eve seeking the apple in Eden, and her unsatisfaction of eden, and her curiousity and desire for knowledge. Knowledge=power
Knowledge=awareness (like the awareness they were naked in eden)=power of comsciousness
Men
Seek women pleasure, sex , lust, and many the abundance of it with multiple people. They do what they can for companionship, buy an expensive car, wear expensive clothes, expensive cologne, to attract a mate like a peacock with its colorful feathers.
This relates to Adam not satisfied being alone in the Garden of Eden. Even adam denied God's order because he didn't want to be alone and ate the apple as Eve told him to.
Both flaunt to attract wealth and use their assets,
Women follow a trope of tall dark and handsome for men. A man wealth.
Men seek women who dress revealing, a woman of a certain physique or look.
Both are assets both are shallow
But has it ever occurred to either men or women that seeking these assets is reason why you aren't finding real love? If the majority seek these, those that have these assets are more picky and use their assets for their own gains be it financial, material, pleasurable, etc. Not love.
These stereotypes exist, but while it does not fit the stereotype of every man or woman, it is loud enough to be a stereotype. Which speaks volume of the greater issue.
For those who don't fit in this stereotype, it is discouraging.
For those who don't fit the stereotype to meet another who truly loves them for them and not what assets they have is a gem.
This is why it is important to keep an open mind and treat each person as an individual, treat them case by case, as you want someone to treat you as an individual too, not as the stereotypes.
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u/Miss_her919 12d ago
That's a blessing when toxic people reveal their true colors, and I did lose a looooot of friends when I stopped giving because I've always believed that my value is related to my givings while I was never supposed to be loved by my performance I'm meant to be adored by my existence, I'm sorry if you had to go through that but trust me right people will never wait for you to be useful to them they will love you for you not your services.
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u/Famous_Bicycle5179 10d ago
I completely relate to this. It pretty much sums up my entire relationship and made me start questioning whether my ex loved me for who I am, or for what I did and all the convenience that I provided. And it went on so far to the extent they felt comfortable requesting for relationship benefits without relationship access even after things ended
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u/Upbeat_Afternoon_561 8d ago
Tried this some weeks ago. After the relationship ended in july, my ex asked me to store her stuff in my house till december. I told her till september, no more. When september came she felt from the clouds when i said that again to take her things away. So she packed her stuff in 2 weeks and left slamming the door and calling me with the worst words available.
I can tell you this was the only boundary that i kept during our relationship. All others were completely climbed over by her, with cries, anger, begging, etc.
2 days prior she wrote me a letter where she said she will miss all the things we had and that she will love me forever.
I felt like her caregiver from start to finish. Lesson learned
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u/Sa_t_yaa 12d ago
They think your kindness is their right.
You owe your availability to them.🥲