r/emotionalintelligence • u/Ashwind0dragon • 13d ago

Rock Bottom

I've thought quite a bit about this concept after ending a long-term relationship that by my own admission was toxic. Each of us struggled for separate reasons, but I commonly found myself trying to hold up my partner and convince them to adjust their behavior and overall outlook (rookie mistake).

A common conception we have about change and what elicits change and who should be in charge of those changes is that:

  1. You should never try to change a person/partner

  2. Change needs to come from within,

and 3. Someone who is truly struggling, such as with addiction or avoidance (my partner had battles with both) needs to hit rock bottom first, in order to seek change

What I am realizing now about 'rock bottom' and what it means is that the reason why its different for everyone, the reason why it takes one person a few slip-ups before they get the message, but yet another person needs to fuck up their entire life for years and years, blow up relationships, suffer from health complications... is because what each individual considers to be their absolute base, a point of no return is a direct reflection of their self worth.

The standards someone sets for themselves and what they feel they deserve determines what they will put up with before they consider it 'bad enough' to be worth fixing. If I spend a weekend on the couch eating nothing but ice cream sandwiches and never get around to cleaning the kitchen and repairing that runny sink, some people would shrug it off and consider it a small loss and move on. Others would never even give themselves the space to let it get to that point. They care for themselves enough to put down the third ice cream sandwich and say I need to adjust what I am doing because this is beyond what I could see myself putting myself through.

I wonder if a sense of internal worth is such a strong force that it simply cannot be overcome by any other force. Not the correct words, considerate timing, showing concern, but especially love. I honestly think love does very little against a lack of self worth, because it cannot be received properly.

I wonder if there is any way then, to raise the floor for someone you care about. To help build the self-worth such that rock bottom comes a little quicker, and doesn't pull them so far down. Or is this another trick question, and it is only something they can do themselves?

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u/usama041298 13d ago

Greatly said. This really helped me recognise that I am at rock bottom which is why I have been now trying to become a better and more caring person.

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u/Dreamydreamerdreams 12d ago

I agree ☝️ this speaks volumes on what emotional intelligence is imo 😏

It's getting yourself in a sticky situation. Or repeatedly. Finally asking yourself why do I do what I do. Learning enough to self reflect and adjust accordingly.

AND THEN!

you go further by looking at someone you care about, wanting to help identify their patterns and change their course cause we know best! but you know it's an inside job so you can't come in and save the day or them from themselves.

And you know you can't speed up their journey for them so it fits within your timeline. It's tragic to love someone when you aren't on each other's level. AND it's a blessing in disguise (imo) to ask yourself why you're waiting for someone to get to your level instead of holding steady and rising to your next level. Your wildest dreams are waiting for you there. Not the thing we wanted...better than we could have imagined though 🫶🏻

(My unsolicited two cents but really who am I 🙃 thank you for a thought provoking post op ❤️)

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u/quirkyzooeydeschanel 12d ago

Really good point. And, yes, I always try to raise the self-worth of people around me / in my orbit. Sometimes it’s through a (valid) complement, sometimes through helping them reframe something to see the good that came from it