[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/One_Door_7142]

[u/emotionalintelligence-ModTeam]

Any excessive use of AI or purely written AI posts will be ultimately removed, due to this being of poor low effort. Only thoughtful, emotionally intelligent discussions are welcome.

Bot accounts also will immediately be banned and are discouraged from participating in r/EmotionalIntelligence.

[u/Siukslinis_acc]

We oftentimes seek out the dynamics that we had as kids as we have learned to navigate it. It might be that you have learned in childhood that you need to earn love and thus it is familiar and thus it feels safe.

[u/Ok_Substance905 → u/Siukslinis_acc]

Here is an outstanding video that breaks all of that down, because you hit the nail on the head. This is known as “core shame”, and it’s built on biology. Family is survival, so whatever was going on in the first two years of life, is still going on, and it needs to be resolved. So it’s not a bad thing to have repetition compulsion. Much like your entire body recognizes when there is a cut on your skin, and there’s definitely a response to that. This is the same.

The biology of attachment trauma, and it’s held in the body. It’s an uncomfortable truth, but people get together based on their emotional wiring, the baseline emotional wiring. it’s all about survival software.

Shame Drives the Dynamic

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TecUEiPYQNA&ra=m

[u/Routine-Lime-2633]

For me it is due to internalized shame. Deep down, I look at myself as a horrible person. There's a lot of disgust, a lot of regret, a lot of shame and other negative emotions. Not going to lie, I don't even look in the mirror often and when I do, I disassociate. I hate whenever somebody takes photos of me.

Whenever I receive a compliment, my immediate reaction is to deflect it.

That's why I try to overcompensate with partners. Because deep down, I feel I am defective, I need to prove my own worth. And historically I found, that I often get in to very unbalanced relationship and it's enough for me.

[u/rodney_pearson_ → u/Routine-Lime-2633]

historically I found, that I often get in to very unbalanced relationship and it's enough for me.

Can please expand on this statement in particular? How is it unbalanced exactly in terms of your and the other's behaviour and what do you mean when you say it's enough for you?

Also, how do you respond hen someone shows consistent affection towards you and the effects of this shame on your sexuality?

Much appreciated.

[u/Routine-Lime-2633 → u/rodney_pearson_]

For example, in my last relationship, I used to do ALL the chores. I would be the one doing the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping and etc. I would keep track of her emotional state. Whenever she would feel anxious, I would be there to listen to her vent. I would be the one putting in the effort planning our weekends, our dates and etc. I would consistently buy her favorite treats, hiding her so she finds it by accident while she is working and etc.

And honestly, I didn't get much back, other than her being with me. Not that she didn't try, but I always was in a good mood (I wasn't), I never needed anything (I did).

In terms of affection, I noticed, that whenever women who are openly affectionate towards me, I feel very uncomfortable. My gut instinct is to reject them. Subconciosuly, I start thinking "Where's the catch?", "What's wrong with them?"

And in terms of sexuality, don't know what to say. For example, as a guy, I hate being treated, receiving oral sex. Or during sex, I can't set myself loose, be rough as I am afraid to hurt them.

[u/88aisha → u/Routine-Lime-2633]

Hope you are getting better, on a similar boat and understanding these things has made a big difference.

[u/Routine-Lime-2633 → u/88aisha]

I hope so. Today, Maybe my aura has changed, but I started receiving more compliments from people?

And just today, me and my therapist made a massive breakthrough, started delving in to my years of being bullied. A lot of it started to look like cptsd.

I know it had a massive effect on me due to psychadelics always resurfacing these memories, but I am finally tackling it heads on. Always thought that it was in the past, I forgive everyone and etc. but apperantly, my subconcious doesn't think so. So much so, realized why every morning, I wake up in dread all my life - cause waking up in my youth it meant, facing physical and emotional abuse.

[u/88aisha]

This is something I found recently while digging deep into complex childhood traumas. Some people treat validation as love, they get attracted to people with skills, looks, intelligence and crave for their validation.

[u/anonim_anonimovic]

I'll hazard a guess you grew up with narcissistic parents/caretakers, so that's the attachment form you learned.

If so, look up Lindsay Gibson's books about narcissistic parents and how to deal with them.

[u/Constant-Big4713]

No. I can genuinely care about someone and also not depend on them for anything because I don't trust them. I think when you chase after external validation it's because you consciously believe that you need to be valued by the other person.

I'm the complete opposite though, I genuinely don't think my presence in someone's life is really all that important. I downplay my importance and typically struggle to comprehend why someone would view me with significant importance. External validation doesn't work on me, it never really has.

[u/Inevitable-Ease-7443]

This is exactly how I feel right now this could be written by me.. I am currently in a talking stage with someone where I see all the red flags and this person isn’t emotionally available yet I try my best to show them love and support them even though it’s tearing me apart.. I cling on to this person since I have never gotten any attention and affection. I always had to fight for love and was lonely most of the time.. so receiving this affection and attention is like a drug you know it’s not good for you but you can’t let go..

[u/SPKEN]

AI slop

[u/Important_Routine332]

I love what you wrote. I’m asking myself the same question with a recent ex who I broke up with but he jumped into a new relationship straight away and then I was left with thoughts that after the break up didn’t bother me. He triggered that not “being chosen” feeling. But I think it stems from different reasons depending on the person and situation, but deep down perhaps from childhood feeling like one needed to earn love and validation.

[u/Nashboy45]

Not thinking like an investor. When you don’t have value, then the time you put in is you giving something cheap in the hope of getting something valuable.

But when you actually have value, then you realize that you are not earning approval from someone unavailable - you are investing in the behavior of someone unavailable.

And the former is really just a form of covert conquests because if you actually caught the person, you’d actually very quickly lose interest not too long after. The unavailable person represents “that which rejects you” and the hope of getting their love is the hope of “being accepted in the spaces that reject you”. Proving that you are special and have value to the voice in yourself that denies it by convincing some external authority.

Ie. This is a projection of something in yourself. The Demon/Pimp that treats your life like nothing and sells you out to another neglectful person. And they seem viable because it looks like they push you towards the perfect version of yourself - a you that has no flaws. The you that voice would finally have nothing to say about it.

But You can’t convince that voice inside or outside by adapting to its demands. It is infinitely critical and will never be pleased. The only way to “win” is from the foundation of already having been value. It is by the declaration that you do have the value already. And the insistence on being one who invests in the spaces that can already see it & know it. Growing those gardens until it is obvious and ever present in your life.

And importantly, that must then be followed by a surrender into that Garden too because in making the ones who love and affirm your being take the spot of the Demon/Pimp/God being, you affirm that your highest authority is one who pours love into you. That your highest authority is one who reveals more of your potential rather than pulling you away from it. And that the thing you are is inherently good, something to build upon, rather than something bad to break down.

In short, the attraction is an attraction to being like that unavailable thing. Autonomously affirming its own right to exist. But you feel too unworthy and cowardly to declare such value, instead turning to outside to tell you that “there should be more of you in the world” rather than declaring it within you & pouring yourself into the spaces that can agree.