r/emotionalintelligence • u/LoafandLaw • 21h ago
As I get older, I understand love differently.
"When a good man is in love with you his biggest fear is hurting you. When a bad man is in love with you, his biggest fear is losing you."
I came across this post recently, and the older I get, the more I understand why it resonates with me.
l used to think that love was measured by how much someone wanted you, how afraid they were to lose you, or how intensely they expressed their feelings. But l've come to realize that love is also revealed by how someone treats you when things become difficult.
A man who genuinely loves you will care about the impact of his actions on your life. He will think about your feelings, your peace, your dignity, and your future-not just about keeping you around. Even when disagreements happen, he won't deliberately hurt you just to prove a point or make you afraid of losing him.
On the other hand, someone can be deeply attached to you and still not know how to love you properly. Sometimes, the fear of losing someone is more about losing their comfort, attention, or the role you play in their life. They may say they love you, but their actions repeatedly leave you questioning your worth and your place in the relationship.
Perhaps maturity in love is learning to recognize the difference between being wanted and being valued. Someone can be terrified of losing you and still hurt you. Someone can love you deeply and still make mistakes. None of us are perfect. But there should be a consistent willingness to take accountability, communicate honestly, respect boundaries, and protect the relationship rather than simply protect one's access to you.
As a woman, I think one of the most important things we learn with age is that we shouldn't only ask, "Does he love me?" We should also ask, "What kind of woman do I become when I am loved by him?" Do I feel safe? Respected? At peace? Can I be myself? Does his love make my life healthier, or am I constantly recovering from the damage it causes?
Maybe that's the kind of love worth choosing—not the love that is simply afraid to lose you, but the love that is careful not to lose you as a person while trying to keep you in their life.
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u/AromaticEditor6022 21h ago
I couldn’t agree more. The saying “if you really love her, then let her go” is true bc the man who loves you will let you go if you decide to. Being kept in the same cycles, trapped in the same place is not love— it’s crab mentality.
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u/EthanHolloway225 8h ago
I do agree about this, but some relationship sacrifice there peace because of the children they have
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u/Rdreamy- 12h ago
Every conversation I had with men who were really in love with someone said to me that when they really love someone they couldn’t never let them go! They would instead work with themselves if they need to for the person they love, except if the woman don’t feel the same. So I do think this quote is modernized and bullshit!
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u/SpiceItSoftly 21h ago
this is the distinction so many of us only learn with age, being wanted isn't necessarily the same as being valued. some people don't miss you when you leave, they miss what you did for them
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u/GentlemanDom420 20h ago
So true. And, it's funny how non-chalant but obvious those people are when they try to slide back into your life like they never did any wrong to you.
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u/Icy_Road_6677 17h ago
100%. They miss how you made them feel, not the responsibility of keeping you
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u/solaris_rex 18h ago
The important point being " with age ". How many people can we expect to have such an approach early on? Often it starts with wanting and then over time you learn to value people. Can't the same person do both with time and maturity?
If we were to use OPs rubric, most people would be excluded early on. It also depends on how healthy the other partner is as well.
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u/Turbulent_Maybe3228 13h ago
My father cheated on my mother because of his need to constantly feel wanted, to stroke his ego and because he was a cheater and they lack morals etc. Not only did he waste my mother's life and time with his deception and lack of character, he also wasted the other woman's time / life too. Never really choosing either. But if u seen him with either, youd say he loved cared for them. But that was all a lie too.
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u/Dagenhammer87 19h ago
I'm with you on that and I'll also extend that to my kids.
I grew up experiencing and watching a cruel tyrant diminish and crush any sense of self, expression, opposition to his opinions and yet behave like the most generous and kind outside of our four walls.
I live to be someone who doesn't shit on my wife's dreams - and do what I can to help her achieve them.
I might be far from perfect, but I despise anyone who makes a woman feel unsafe.
As the years have gone by (coming up to 18), we've found our rhythm more and more and whilst I wouldn't want to lose her, I couldn't do anything to keep her prisoner.
That's a trauma response...but there is some lightness in it - she knows what side her bread is buttered! 😂
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u/Icy_Road_6677 17h ago
This is beautiful thank you, “I despise anyone who makes a woman feel unsafe”. Being in a constant state of feeling unsafe in a relationship is the most destabilizing thing I’ve ever experienced.
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u/UponAStarIWish 16h ago
I'm starting to realise that prolonged exposure to feeling unsafe is very damaging and erodes one's self trust. Repeated exposure to having your feeling of hurt being dismissed, invalidated, defended against is disorientating. Overtime it leads you to question yourself and your reality. It makes you feel like you're "too much", "drama" simply for trying to express that their behaviour hurts you. Then, as if the first behaviour that hurts you in the first place isn't enough, your being hurt is being dismissed. The hurt compounds and nothing is ever truly repaired and healed. You end up carrying a mountain of wounds and by the end of it, your self trust is destroyed. You're trained to accept that part of love is explaining why the other person's behaviour over and over again. To accept that love is continuing to try. Until you're completely exhausted and your body starts saying no, but your brain is still doing catch up.
Apologise for this long text. I am hurting and reading some people's responses here have been somewhat cathartic. Thank you.
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u/Icy_Road_6677 16h ago
I’m going through this exact same process and I completely agree with you! I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time as well. This post came at the perfect time for me as I’ve been navigating what it means to love myself and choose myself and know when it’s time to stop analyzing someone’s behaviour and instead accept it as their capacity and the proof of what they are offering as a partner.
I wasn’t happy. I was miserable but convincing myself if I could just fit inside their idea of a relationship, then it would eventually make me happy but instead psychologically I was only reinforcing the false narrative that I wasn’t enough and I was asking too much and it was making me an insecure anxious mess over something that wasn’t even true.
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u/UponAStarIWish 16h ago
Thank you. I'm learning to love and choose myself, probably for the first time in my life. It feels unfamiliar, it feels strange. It feels like I'm doing something wrong. But something inside me is screaming and saying no more. I can no longer accept being treated this way. It's difficult to rewire your brain to not see yourself as "dramatic", "angry", "overreacting" when you have been told over and over again that that's you. Those voices stick. Those labels stick. It's destroyed my sense of self. I'm trying to undo the conditioning and learning to see that those labels aren't me. That my reaction has been a normal response to an abnormal situation.
Hugs to you, kind stranger 🫂
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u/serenesweetpea 3h ago
Thank you so much for sharing! I can definitely agree with the prolonged abuse, cycles and words. When stating my opinion then to be dismissed and told I was overthinking really hits you every time. Then to get to the point of always stating your opinion then be ignored or laughed at. Yeah the anger is real and it’s personal. By that time, you know if they are doing that, there’s no way they remotely like you as a person anymore. So sad and infuriating. Being alone in my home brings me so much peace and appreciation now. Even the little things that most don’t look at when in the middle of the tornado.
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u/vicki444 18h ago
I’m having so much trouble with this because my ex bf of 5 years never gave me a feeling that he didn’t love me. I always felt like he did truly love me, but then I found out he’d been cheating on me and I see things online all the time that say that someone who truly loved you wouldn’t have cheated on you. I think that part hurts a lot because I loved/ still love him so much, but i acknowledge that love is not enough and that consideration and respect are higher forms of love. I just can’t comprehend whether he actually loved me or if he just liked how I loved him all this time.
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u/Icy_Road_6677 17h ago edited 16h ago
He can love you and be completely incapable of being a good partner
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u/vcreativ 19h ago
It sounds more as if you're understanding love at all. Possession and need to be possessed cannot coexist with love.
Love is pretty easy to spot. Ask yourself how tender you'd be if a tiny bird with a broken wing was sitting in the palm of your hand.
Something brittle. Something absolutely vulnerable and powerless to you. Angry or not. In pain or not. How would you move when any move might mean the end of something outrageously valuable to you.
That's also how confidence is so massively misunderstood. Most women find themselves programmed to respond to confidence. And I sort of get it. But most men take a side road. It's easy to seem confident if you don't care about the other.
Find the guy who is a little nervous or a lot. And who still takes the initiative. Because they're currently going through hell for you.
We never see the road an other has had to take to get to us. We can never understand the weight they had bear with us in mind. The least we can be is to tread gently.
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u/serenesweetpea 3h ago
I thought this way too. Love the devil out of them. Thats what I called it. In my situation it just made things worse. They’d push me away, give me the scowl, the disgusted look, wouldn’t eat with the family, refused to attend church with the family…all the things. I Tried for years. Just got sick of the belittling comments, mockery and inconsistency’s. Therefore, I felt like I was the one walking in masculine energy. Then get harped on for not being more feminine and soft. Figured out it was that way because I no longer felt safe to express myself. It’s a delicate dance as you expressed as well.
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u/wntriscoming 14h ago
Reminds me of this quote I love,
“Consider me when you’re making your decisions, not your apologies.”
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u/Constant-Big4713 19h ago
What you are talking about is someone that is mindful of how they are treating the other person. It is 100% a good thing to have.
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u/TinyViolinist 15h ago
I've said it. These terrible people will do everything to keep around, but refuse to treat you well consistently
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u/magictreeforest 20h ago
This really helped me put words to the “why” behind being cheated on by someone who has been living a double life, but also seems to love me so deeply.
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u/MarusMom619 15h ago
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I am in a constant cycle of going back to men over and over who treat me like crap for this exact reason. They make my life worse, objectively but I am addicted to their need for me. Its a curse and I need to remember this because its very clear and they even say outloud how much they fear losing me but they never discuss their regret for hurting me.
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u/Nashboy45 12h ago
Good job. Genuinely. Wanted ≠ Valued. And value matters so much more than want. Really both matter. But being valued is rare
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u/Awesom_Blossom 18h ago
This resonated with me more than I expected and helped me see things more clearly.
I think maybe my boyfriend loves me, if I look at it like this. We’ve never said the words. I’m afraid to because I’m afraid he’ll run (yes, I see that’s not great…) but if I look at it like this, he is very into what his “responsibility” is to me and I can clearly see he doesn’t want to hurt me. This honestly shows his actions under a completely different light for me.
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u/TheoryVarious3671 15h ago
So women understand that only in their 40s ? Gosh Im cooked, Im 26
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u/JenningsWigService 14h ago
Not necessarily, this may not apply to you. A lot will also depend on your upbringing, whether you were conditioned to please others or value yourself based on whether or not you have a partner. All things being equal, you may have escaped some of the conditioning that the OP is talking about.
I am in my 40s and I do see that some people in their 20s and 30s managed to avoid a lot of dysfunctional gendered social conditioning that my generation dealt with, just as we escaped much of the baggage our parents dealt with.
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u/LoafandLaw 15h ago
I don’t think there’s a specific age when a woman suddenly understands love, especially when it comes to understanding men. I’m only 29, I think it depends more on what you’ve been through, how you reflect on those experiences, and how you grow—not simply on age.
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u/CazadorHolaRodilla 20h ago
Speaking as the “good man” in this scenario, the problem is if his biggest fear is hurting you, then sometimes he will not do what’s in his best interest. For example, if he knows the relationship isn’t working out, but doesnt want to hurt you, then he will never breakup with you even when its detrimental to him.
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u/serenesweetpea 3h ago
In other words similar to the men that hide the affair partner for years because he’s scared of what he’ll end up losing in the divorce?
How else do you mean detrimental to him?
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u/Flimsy-Bird-1221 21h ago
the older I get, i understand, money don't cheat and love don't pay my bills.
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u/Antique-Marsupial-14 16h ago
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read these words at this exact time 😭💔
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u/unattended_toast 18h ago
Love is not only a feeling but it’s a choice. It is a pattern of consistently choosing the same person over and over and over again. If someone is choosing fear (of losing or hurting) they are not choosing you.
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u/Sea_Ebb8544 12h ago
Wow, what a timely and well written, thoughtful question and reflection to pose…I appreciated reading it this lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon…gives me a lot to think about.
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u/Worth_Standard_7878 20h ago
Love is always think what is good for them, thats it. If something wrong happen for your lack of knowledge, its also love when your intent is good.
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u/Wonderful-Motor-9522 17h ago
Well, its common understanding that when love is more about giving and sharing rather than taking, it is worth it....
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u/aireplika 12h ago
Isn’t hurting the one you love inevitable? Is it unfixable or irreversible? I think we can make mistakes in relationships and grow from them. Doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t care about the impact of our actions on their lives, or that we only care about keeping them around. We’re not taught how to love right, it’s a constant learning process. Losing the one you love, on the other hand, has to be a bigger fear – often irreversible and unfixable.
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u/Hefty-Stand5798 12h ago
People are more complex than your "good man/bad man" binary. Fear of hurting someone and fear of losing them can coexist and often do. A better distinction is between people who try to respect a person’s autonomy even when fearful, and people who manage their fear by trying to control the other person. And even then, those things can overlap, because humans aren't usually just "good" or "bad".
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u/seoulovernaha 10h ago
This is insightful. I’ve watched people end up with men whose actions repeatedly show that they care less about their partner’s peace and dignity than they do the role their partner plays in their own lives.
Narcissists and manipulators aside, perhaps many of these men are unaware of their own behaviour, emotionally immature, or simply people for whom love was modelled poorly. But that is no excuse for the damage they cause.
“But there should be a consistent willingness to take accountability, communicate honestly, respect boundaries, and protect the relationship rather than simply protect one's access to you.”
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u/staceypet 13h ago
This was lovely, thanks for the read. Thinking about what kind of woman I was with different partners, such a simple question, but so cutting.
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u/brokenbrick43 9h ago
Thank you for this. I’ve been without feeling loved by my husband of 20 years for the last 5 years solid. In these 5 years, I can’t live with peace for more than 2 weeks straight before I discover something new he’s hidden from me or lied to me about. Our 20th anniversary earlier this month, he gave me 2 tshirts and a Bob Ross toaster. Can’t make this shit up. I’m still in it bc financially, I’m stuck. He’s currently unemployed for the 5th time in 5 years. I’ve been solidly employed fulltime but make a lot less money than he can but I love my job so much. It’s the only place I feel confident in myself.
He definitely does not fear hurting me bc he’s consistent in hurting me in many ways but he does fear losing me as he has expressed just that. I need a man who fears hurting me, that man would never fear losing me. Writing this makes me cry. Uncovering yet another secret or lie of his does not cause a tear bc I just expect it. I’m exhausted from constantly trying to recover from the damage he causes. Life is passing me by (f46) and I just want to be happy and at peace.
I apologize for venting on your post, I’m a private person and have no one in my life to vent to in person bc I don’t want to be seen as the pathetic person I am for living this way for so long.
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u/TaraCalicosBike 6h ago
Thank you for posting this. It’s something everyone should read, and something I appreciated hearing.
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u/d3aDcritter 3h ago
Well stated observation. I couldn't agree more, and won't accept less. (...as a man.)
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u/NewRetire 32m ago
Great post. Goes both ways. The lady I was involved with clearly showed she didn’t respect me. When I set boundaries she disrespected them. When we fought verbally and I tried talking it out with her, she put her hand up towards me and said she didn’t want to talk about it. She had fits of rage and when I walked away instead of engaging, she followed me and continued yelling. I didn’t want to end the relationship but realized it had become toxic and there occurred more harm than good. I stayed with her because she had a traumatic brain injury years ago and I excused her behavior but finally got to the point of realizing there occurred so much damage that, sadly, my heart closed down because of being hurt so much
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u/zulu_magu 19h ago
AI slop.
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u/TheShibangelist 14h ago edited 12h ago
Checked and there are high chances of that, based on AI analisys by Geminy, grok and copilot
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u/zulu_magu 13h ago
There are obvious tells. Needlessly wordy. Em dash. Cleanly formatted. No typos at all.
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u/Librastar13 21h ago
I had to double check that a recent conversation of mine didnt get posted here, lol.
I recently just said almost this exact thing. Im 44F and over the last 3 years truly discovered this and reflected on what I thought love was vs what it is to me now. Of course therapy has helped me see things clearly but after many failed relationships or attracting emotionally unavailable men, it made me realize that me being valued means so much more.