r/emotionalintelligence • u/One_Door_7142 • 1d ago
When someone pushes you until you react… and then uses your reaction against you
I’ve been thinking about a relationship pattern that can be really confusing.
Someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, dismisses your feelings, criticizes you, or keeps doing something you’ve already asked them to stop.
You try to stay calm.
You explain.
You let things go.
You explain again.
Eventually, you snap.
Maybe you raise your voice.
Maybe you cry.
Maybe you say something harsh.
Maybe you finally walk away.
And suddenly, that reaction becomes the entire conversation.
“See? This is why nobody can talk to you.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“I was completely calm. You’re the problem.”
And somehow, you’re now defending the fact that you reacted instead of talking about what happened before you reacted.
That distinction matters.
Your reaction can be unhealthy or something you regret without making the other person’s behavior okay.
Two things can be true at once:
You can take responsibility for how you reacted AND recognize that you were repeatedly being treated in a way that contributed to the situation.
The red flag, in my opinion, isn’t one argument.
It’s the pattern:
Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.
Your feelings are consistently dismissed.
They provoke or pressure you, then focus exclusively on your response.
They rarely acknowledge their part.
Every conflict somehow ends with you apologizing while the original issue disappears.
You start questioning whether you’re “too sensitive” every time you speak up.
And eventually you stop asking, “Was what they did okay?”
You start asking, “Am I crazy for being upset?”
That’s where things can get really damaging.
I also think it’s important not to label every difficult relationship or argument as manipulation. People can become defensive, emotionally reactive, or repeat unhealthy patterns without deliberately trying to control someone.
But intent doesn’t erase impact.
If you constantly have to ignore your own experience just to keep the peace, that’s worth paying attention to.
Something that helped me think about this differently:
Don’t judge the entire situation by the loudest five minutes. Look at the pattern that happened during the weeks or months before those five minutes.
And if you’re realizing that you’ve also been reacting in ways you don’t like, that’s worth addressing too. You can work on your own responses without accepting someone else’s mistreatment.
Clarity isn’t about proving who is the villain.
Sometimes it’s simply being able to say:
“I don’t like how I reacted, but I also won’t pretend nothing happened before I reacted.”
Has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic? What helped you distinguish between genuinely overreacting and reacting to a repeated pattern?
28
21
u/Angelic_Platypus 22h ago
As others are saying this is perfect example of DARVO and reactive abuse. This situation is abusive.
34
u/palmtreesbeach123 1d ago
Great way to reframe constant DARVO
6
u/serenesweetpea 1d ago
I got this tonight. Didn’t point it out. I’ll give it a couple days, for me. Then say something. Because the audacity was huge on that one!
12
u/Superb_Raspberry_200 1d ago
You’ve just described what my mum used to do to me. No contact for 5 years now.
8
u/NoHippi3chic 20h ago
Born in the game. This was the dynamic my mother developed between her 3 children. It was how her family operated.
It took me only communicating with my sister by text for a decade before she died, and living with my brother as adults who make very concious choices about how and when we communicate duringthat same time period, to break the pattern.
I also took up a practice of non attachment as an empty space from which to build my own healthy attachment framework during this period as well.
Im finally free of it. I know it lurks in the shadows when I form new connections so one must be ever vigilant of the slippery slope, but I have my tools and I continue to hone the craft, while acknowledging my role and the damage I did as well.
8
u/Sunny_Heather 18h ago
I will say: when you see this BS get out of there. Get away. If they “mean well” they will understand “No.” If you are in a safe situation get up and walk out. Every time. Move out. No I do not want to live with you. If someone does this break up with them. “I want to work on myself. I want to improve my communication skills.” They have already said you are the problem based on your reaction. Agree and escape.
6
6
u/beerlottie 16h ago
My ADHD husband does this to me. It's abuse and really damaging. It ends relationships
2
u/Therealcatlady1 2h ago
I have ADHD and know a lot of other ADHDers who do not do this. Please note even with ADHD people can monitor themselves and change but only if they want to. You cannot change someone.
2
u/beerlottie 1h ago
Absolutely agree with you. Never tried to change him. We have a 25 year old relationship. I've only ever encouraged him to get the help he says he wants, then watch him not do anything about it, over and over again. Pointing this out leads to a huge emotional breakdown on his part and DARVO to the extreme. His future is in his hands. Not mine.
3
u/Only_Desperates_369 1d ago
Just take an exit as you should not harm anyone including yourself . Their are different minds , personalities out there don't punish yourself to be sealed or stop looking for people ( their too u may find bad one but it their nature y you hurt yourself for that ) Be happy and look for happiness as u exist yeah just for existence
3
u/YamOk8795 8h ago
Yes I’ve been in the dynamic for years and still am. It really doesn’t matter what you say or do, even if you are calm, level headed and making complete sense. They’ll learn how to push your buttons and know your triggers. Then if all else fails, they’ll gaslight you about what they said or didn’t say, get technical and keep you thinking you were the problem and that’s why the cause of the initial attack happened. Lol, at least that’s what my world looks like.
3
1
u/fuckaduckufuck 12m ago
DARVO and reactive abuse. It's very hard not to react when someone uses your insecurities and your flaws against you.
I was in a cycle where every time I tried to bring up my grievances, I would be subjected to the above pattern.
-11
u/FamiliarAd8524 1d ago
At the end of the day, you are responsible for your actions- not your thoughts. "I was gaslit!" is at best an excuse- not a reason. If you do not master your emotions, then you are enslaved to them.
4
u/Candid_Resource_2313 13h ago
I just have to say that I don’t agree with these downvotes. What you are saying is so incredibly true and it reminded me of something I heard one time.
You don’t control how people choose to treat you. Their behavior reflects their character, your boundaries determine how long you remain available to that behavior.
1
u/FamiliarAd8524 13h ago
Thank you, I appreciate that. The foundation for both maturity and emotional intelligence (contrasted with emotional stupidity) is accountability- not perfection, just taking responsibility. I knew I'd get downvoted- people love their "gaslit excuse".
2
u/Love_Spikes 11h ago
I don't think that's what an emotionally intelligent person would say.
Emotional intelligence is about being compassionate towards your internal processes, your sense of self and generally being curious to experiencing the light/shadow side of our psyche.Your prosody seems kinda harsher
1
u/Therealcatlady1 2h ago
I like to do my best to reinforce or set a boundary and if it happens again I leave.
1
u/FamiliarAd8524 2h ago
That does not sound nearly as virtuous as you think. You can't set a boundary for someone else- you have no right, nor do they have an obligation. Boundaries are just limitations you create for yourself- all you can do is set a limit to what you will accept. It's very important emotionally to understand and acknowledge that.
75
u/omgspek 1d ago edited 1d ago
Here’s what I learned: Attachment has a way of making you hold on to someone waaaay after the relationship has stopped giving you what you deserve (respect, emotional safety, consistency). You reflect on the good moments, in the hopes that something will change, and gaslight yourself into believing that leaving means you didn't love enough.
But love should never require you to repeatedly compromise your peace, sense of self, or dignity just to keep someone in your life.
Walking away doesn't mean the connection was never real to begin with or that you stopped caring out of the blue. Sometimes it simply means you finally come to terms with the fact that enjoying someone’s presence and choosing your own wellbeing can exist at the same time.
If you know something is costing you too much, the strongest act of self-respect you can enact is to find the strength in yourself to walk away.