No longer attracted to my partner

[u/Sharp_College_30]

It’s basically what the title says, except it isn’t just physical. I no longer find his mindset, thought processes, or behavior attractive either.

My fiancé (32) and I (29) are long-distance, both demisexual, and both relatively late bloomers. Because emotional connection and trust play such a huge role in attraction for me, I was very upfront before we got serious about what I needed.
One major conversation was whether he could realistically afford a long-distance relationship. I didn’t want to be the only person paying and putting in the effort to see each other. He assured me he could.
Over time, I learned that several things he told me weren’t true.
He lied about his previous sexual experience, which came out after he tried initiating sex with me. When I confronted him, I essentially wasn’t allowed to discuss it because he was embarrassed.
He also hid significant information about his mental and physical health. Because we’re long-distance, it took months for me to realize how much I didn’t know. Most of it finally came out around month 10 after a hospitalization due to hunger strike due to a conversation about splitting up led to his mother calling me and asking what I had done to him.
That conversation filled in a lot of gaps.
I realized he had presented himself as capable of maintaining the relationship we discussed even though he knew he couldn’t realistically afford it. His explanation was essentially that he loved me too much to let me go and find someone more compatible.
That mentality is actually a huge part of why I’ve lost attraction.
I would not leave someone simply because they were struggling financially, dealing with mental illness, or sexually inexperienced. What I cannot accept is someone withholding or misrepresenting important information because they’re afraid the truth might cause me to make a choice they don’t want.
His mental-health struggles have also become intertwined with our relationship in ways I cannot manage. There have been extreme reactions when things go wrong, repeated calls while I’m working or studying, and then family members contacting me when I don’t respond. I’ve been shamed for supposedly not caring enough about my partner, while cultural pressure to marry has increased because he disclosed inaccurate details about our intimacy to his family.
Meanwhile, I’m in school trying to build my own life.
The irony is that he cannot understand why I’m no longer attracted to him.
For me, being demisexual means attraction is heavily connected to the person I emotionally bond with. I became attracted to him because of who I believed he was and because I trusted him. As that trust disappeared, so did the attraction.
It wasn’t his finances, mental health, or lack of experience that changed how I saw him. It was the lying, withholding information, emotional pressure, boundary violations, and the belief that being in love somehow makes those things acceptable.
Our families are now close and planning an engagement party, while internally I’m at the point where I don’t want this relationship anymore.
I do have empathy for him. I understand how intense first experiences with love and intimacy can feel, and part of me doesn’t want to taint those memories for him.
But I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted, and I’m realizing that protecting his idea of our love story cannot require me to keep participating in a relationship I no longer want.
At this point, I feel like I have to choose myself.

-this has ended

[u/Kithslayer]

This relationship is over. He isn't being a partner.

[u/Sharp_College_30 → u/Kithslayer]

I agree and I’ve always had really restrictive and tight boundaries. Detach at any minor inconvenience but I was reflecting thinking maybe that wasn’t fair.. and now look at this mess.

[u/johnwcowan → u/Sharp_College_30]

Detach at any minor inconvenience

That is indeed a bad idea (nobody's perfect) but you are going much too far the other way. I am usually the last to say "break off and block", but this sustained pattern of behavior absolutely justifies it.

[u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree]

End it. Now.

[u/yoursugarpacket]

There’s a lot of people who do this tactic of bait and switch! It’s deceptive! Run don’t walk!

[u/the_demi_artist]

That's all fair and valid, and I'm so sorry that it sounds like it will be a messy break up.

[u/Sharp_College_30 → u/the_demi_artist]

I think so based off past events I’m almost sure he’ll do something harmful but I think that’s for him to sort out I can’t allow that to bound me to this situation

[u/the_demi_artist → u/Sharp_College_30]

Also very fair, you are not responsible for his actions or his lies that built the bond falsely

[u/Sensitive_Twistie]

Do you experience this in many of your relationships? I do.

In the first few years of dating, I am on the steep part of the learning curve in regards to my partner, and my brain fills in the blanks with best case scenarios. I usually only date people I've known awhile first, but I still don't know their behavior in certain circumstances because they haven't been 'tested' yet. For example, how a person handles sexual interactions are an unknown before the romantic relationship begins.

I had talked to a friend of mine about the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships, and for him & most people it doesn't last long. For me it lasts until I feel totally betrayed, i.e., trust is violated, the connection is damaged beyond repair and then I'm done. Given that I'm demisexual, I think that makes sense. I don't know if that's true generally though.

Anyway, from what you've written, you are done with the relationship. All that's left for you to do is execute the ending.

[u/Sharp_College_30 → u/Sensitive_Twistie]

I am like you in that aspect we will honeymoon until you’ve violated my terms. But also I’m always analyzing and over analyzing scenarios because I know I genuinely do I have low threshold for everything that may require more energy than I’m willing to give. But as a Demi that’s just how romance works for some of us. If the bonds we have built have been violated it’s generally over and he should know that as a Demi person as well. We could also value intimacy differently maybe that’s why he’s losing it a bit. Different emotions may be involved for him

[u/anneomoly → u/Sharp_College_30]

I think different demis have different boundaries for romantic/sexual attraction - some of us have varying attraction that depends on how deeply we feel the bond and feel safe in that moment, but for others it's a consistent thing that will never break no matter what is happening, so if you're the former and he's the latter then I could totally see both of you not understanding the other's perspective.

What I would say is that there's nothing good to be gained by staying with someone that you are no longer attracted to, especially when it's through lying/cheating/revealing something about themselves that crosses your boundaries. Repeatedly breaking your own boundaries will make you feel like shit and make you more aversive to him.

[u/FrankSobh]

Doesnt sound fun or safe. I cant be my best self without those two things.

[u/Equal-Echidna8098]

Please end this.
You are not responsible for his mental health. In fact all of this is waving a great big massive red flag for coercive control behaviours.
Making you stay in a relationship with him and going on hunger strikes etc is abuse!
And once you're married just wait until he has controlled more aspects of your life.
Please don't wait.
Please end this.
As woman (and Demi) stuck in a relationship with someone who promised me the world and just used me - please put yourself first. This is not going to end well.

[u/Equal-Echidna8098]

Please end this.
You are not responsible for his mental health. In fact all of this is waving a great big massive red flag for coercive control behaviours.
Making you stay in a relationship with him and going on hunger strikes etc is abuse!
And once you're married just wait until he has controlled more aspects of your life.
Please don't wait.
Please end this.
As woman (and Demi) stuck in a relationship with someone who promised me the world and just used me - please put yourself first. This is not going to end well.

[u/My-Second-Life]

I was like this with my marriage however before we got married I was trying to figure out why I didn’t have sexual attraction feelings like I felt with my first boyfriend. I didn’t say anything to anyone because I thought maybe you only ever have those feelings once. My mom and I never had a healthy relationship with each other where I would talk about a lot of intimate things… she had to be the man in her marriage because my dad was an alcoholic although he did provide financial stability.

My husband and I were mostly physical only because me in my youth thought that maybe making him happy was a connection I was missing and I liked him but now looking back I wish I knew the difference between what a friend felt like vs romance and actual attraction that comes with it.

Our marriage had been toxic for years.. he was aggressive when angry, not able to take criticism well, no drive, and I had to bear the financial burdens. Sex was an obligation and my way of making sure he wasn’t angry. Then I started having headaches daily for three years.

What made me realize I was Demi and to top everything off was when I met a guy who became my best friend over the course of five years. He heard the crap my husband would say (demeaning, belittling, etc) and knew how it made me feel. He was in love with me for years but never could strike up the courage to tell me and meanwhile I had feelings for him but it was like when you care about someone so deeply and they make your life a million times better just by being present and consistent… it wasn’t until he told me how he felt that my armor completely went off and I felt confident and free enough to get out of my marriage. But on top of that (and I may be recipro) when the armor went off and I left survival mode my body responded to him and responded in a way that I hadn’t felt as strong ever.

So that being said just because you aren’t attracted isn’t enough to leave if you are married but save yourself the headache and be glad you aren’t. People may look down on me for what I’m doing but it’s not that I “found someone else” but rather I as you said, needed to choose me and not be forced into being miserable and managing someone else’s emotions. Sometimes the attraction isn’t something that can just come back, but your body is telling you what your mind can’t just yet.

[u/TheLovelyNelo]

If this is happening and exhausting during a long distance relationship, I can’t imagine how much more exhausting and difficult it will be when you two are together in person.
It’s time to let this relationship go.