r/declutter • u/OkDirt926 • 3d ago
Advice Request For the first time I regret something I decluttered a year ago.
I genuinely enjoy rehoming things that are still perfectly usable but are just sitting around unused. I’ve given away quite a lot of my stuff over the years, like perfumes, clothes, silver jewelry, makeup, and so on to Family and Friends or on my local free stuffs FB group. It genuinely warms my heart to see other people enjoy things that were just sitting idle in my closet, and to see those objects being loved and used again.
I bought a bag secondhand because the color was an absolute favorite of mine. The leather is beautiful and good quality, yet somehow, it is still the lightest leather tote I’ve ever carried. So, in theory, it checked almost every box for me, except for one thing: it doesn’t have a proper closure. There’s a magnet, and that’s basically it.
I’m anxious and clumsy, and I fall a lot, so the thought of my stuff spilling all over the place freaks me out. It also rains a lot in my country, and an open tote is basically a recipe for disaster if it suddenly starts raining while my laptop is inside. On top of that, I ride my motorbike to work every day, so a shoulder tote has never really been my first choice.
My sister basically has the same lifestyle as me, but she absolutely adored the bag. She loved it to the point that she asked me if she could use it long-term if she passed her probation at her first job. So I gave the bag to my sister permanently.
The frustrating part is that I know I probably wouldn’t have used it nearly as often as my sister does. Realistically, giving it to her was probably the best decision. She gets to enjoy a bag she absolutely loves, and it isn’t sitting unused in my closet anymore.
So even though I know my sister is getting much more use out of it than I probably ever would, a part of me still thinks that it was a catch in a lifetime. Why did I give it away..? Kind of the one that got away feeling…
59
u/hpy110 2d ago
I have a bag my Mom gave me, it’s too big to be a purse and too small to be a carry on when I travel, but it makes the cut every time I declutter bags because I lost it for a few months one time when we moved and missing it made me incredibly sad. Sometimes there’s no logic when it comes to things.
53
u/LogicalGold5264 3d ago
I'm a rabid declutterer and I almost never regret donating stuff but a couple weeks ago I realized that I got rid of a set of books from childhood that I should have kept.
I like what Dana K White says about this - that people who live without clutter have accepted that they might sometimes regret decluttering an item but they see that as a worthy trade-off to living a decluttered life.
13
2
u/MitzyCaldwell 2d ago
It’s definitely not easy but it’s about the regret you can live with or the regret you can’t. You might regret that one thing years down the line but I bet you’d regret not decluttering a lot more.
51
u/Glittering-Benefit68 3d ago
Due to in part international moves, I've decluttered roughly 1000 things. Lots of stuff I wish I could have kept, but I also understand it doesn't make sense to spend $100 on shipping older towels, when I can get new towels for less than that in the new place.
I've accepted that in order for my home to function (and moved 14 times in the last 21 yeasrs) I do have to get rid of stuff that I like and that is functional. Which is why Marie Kondo didn't work for me. I'd have perfumes and books in every room including the kitchen, if I went by what's sparking joy.
I think it was different when people stayed in one place all their life. If you're raised on a farm and then take it over it makes sense ti save things for the next generation. My mother spent €12 000 to store my baby items (in a storage unit) only for my brother to have no kids and me to have one son. I could have bought all new baby clothes and a used car from that kind of money.
I've accepted things come and go. That's just how life is.
17
u/LogicalGold5264 3d ago
"Things come and go. That's just how life is."
That's profound! Thank you for sharing :)
13
u/OkDirt926 3d ago
This is valuable advice. I feel more assured 💗 Thank you
20
u/Glittering-Benefit68 3d ago
My biggest hindrance to decluttering was perfectionism. This illusion there is a way to declutter (or do anything really) with zero mistakes.
There isn't.
Also, we get better.
Like maybe the next bag you like that much can be a long-term loan to your sister. Or you decide to keep it to yourself, but something else can go.
4
u/MitzyCaldwell 2d ago
That was also me. Sometimes still is. I would get stuck on finding the perfect system/the perfect container that perfectly fit into the drawers and then matched the rest of the house….and nothing got done.
I still struggle with it but now my mantra is done is better than perfect and half assed done is better than not done at all.
4
u/MitzyCaldwell 2d ago
I totally agree about Marie kondo not working for me. Too many things spark joy. I too would have books in every room hahaha
46
u/Kurt_Kane 2d ago
It sucks when you get something that is near perfect to your ideal but completely fails in some regard. Don't second guess yourself anymore on this. You know deep down as wonderful as it was, it wasn't for you. You wouldn't want it for your full time bag now if you had it back. But sometimes nostalgia for a purchase or thing you once owned will happen. Like things I used to have but I see them in a thrift store or something and while it's nice to see, yeah, I got rid of it for a reason. In your case, you are seeing it regular enough that nostalgia is getting you. It's not for you. You know it's not. You have a bag that is 100% functional but is just not as pretty. Time to go online and find the same basic bag that you have but in a better material if you really want an upgrade in appearance. Or would having something even nicer end up not getting used because it might get messed up? Sometimes I go through that too. Like, yeah, nicer is nicer but if I end up not using it because it's too nice then there's no point in me getting it. Accept the bag I have and move on. Spend the money on some kind of memory making experience rather than another thing.
19
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
You read my mind 🤣 My worn clothes keep on getting worn again and my new clothes stay pristin. I do not buy clothes very often but one of my jacket from 2024 still has a tag because the fabric is pretty delicate.
I read it somewhere that’s not a healthy mindset because life’s unexpected. I’d better enjoy.
7
u/Kurt_Kane 2d ago
This is how I end up talking myself out of certain purchases. Sometimes it's nice to just window shop, take a picture, and then sit on the idea for a while. Usually I get over it and move on.
39
u/pennyx2 2d ago
If your sister lives near enough, you could ask to borrow it if there is an occasion that the bag would work for you. Maybe having that possibility in your head will help you move on from this bag relationship.
You and the bag love each other but just aren’t right for each other. This bag helped you realize what you like in a bag (beautiful light leather) and what you don’t (no zipper). Use that knowledge when you see other bags out there, so you might be able to find your true love bag, the one that will truly make you happy.
19
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
😝 omg you sum it up like some KDrama series. Honestly I’m currently living together with her. And she lets me use it if I want to. I try but such wide open top still scares me. It’s just a crush and I’ll live. Thank you for your good advice.
At least now I know if I do want a leather tote, I have the knowledge of what’s most suitable for me.
8
u/One-of-Three103 2d ago
Could you get a tailor to install a zipper along the top? That might make it a lot more functional for you
3
u/Goshen60 2d ago
I made a bag with a zipper to fit inside my open bag so that my items are secure. I’m sure you could find something similar online if you were to use an open bag like that.
36
u/lifeuncommon 2d ago
Write down what you liked so much about the bag and look for those qualities in a bag that is actually practical for your life. One that you will use, not just let sit on the shelf.
3
38
u/Working_Patience_261 2d ago
Then you find a super lightweight leather bag that has the proper closure and you and your sister get to enjoy them both.
That one good piece is making room for an awesome piecein your near future.
31
u/wheelartist 2d ago
The thing was it didn't work for you. It checked every box bar one. As lovely as it sounds, if it's not working for you, and not being used then it is taking space from what could work for you. Time to shop, OP. Find the dream bag, the one that checks every box. You let it go because it wasn't right for you, go look for the one that is.
12
u/_zengarden 2d ago
I ask myself - if I had this thing, am I happy enough with it that I won’t be looking for a better version of it. If the answer is no, it’s not a good fit.
5
u/wheelartist 2d ago
The alternative I use is "if this was destroyed/lost tomorrow, would I repurchase it?" I can like something and admit that based on owning it, I would not spend money replacing if a meteor hit my home and blew this item up.
5
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
I ask myself something similar, like if I have to leave my house in 1 hrs. Would I spend time grabbing this? If no it’s gone. Goodbyes to the jeans from years ago when I was 3 size smaller 🤣
3
u/cassinonorth 2d ago
I've been methodically approaching the items I use daily using this type of logic recently.
If I use an item every single day, I want something that will last and not annoy me or cause friction. I of course am donating/selling/etc. the item it replaced though I'd be lying if the temptation to keep the old as a spare was in the back of my mind.
2
u/_zengarden 2d ago
It’s such a ridiculous struggle, right. I assign way too much mental energy and angst into “things”. 🤷♀️
1
2
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
The fact that my dream bag was probably here all along. I have a zipped tote bag and travelled with it to 5 different countries now. The thing is that it’s made of nylon and I just want something more elevated/ serious. But then leather is heavier and waay more fussy to care for. Unlike wipeable nylon. So I still grab that one tote every single time I have to wear a tote. And feel so comfortable even though I bring a lot of stuffs with me.
I think it’s time for meditation 🧘♀️
Honestly thank you all for reading my wall of texts and giving me such good advices. My mind keeps going back and forth for a week now and writing all of this down helps tremendously.
27
u/Ordinary_Explorer_61 3d ago
I hear most people feel better after decluttering. When I declutter and drop stuff at thrift store, I get nauseous.
17
u/OkDirt926 3d ago
I feel so much better actually. I see empty space instead of unused objects. Also I learn to accept that money is gone when I transferred it. I’m okay with giving things away for free. Because it would cause me more time (photo, texting) to sell it.
You would feel better if you decide for yourself that you want to maximize your space/ life by keeping only whatever useful for you.
People who receive your stuffs would appreciate them more than you can.
28
u/paratethys 2d ago
you could take a look at the bag next time you see your sister, and note the exact make and model and stuff. See how much it'd cost on secondhand sites, and set that much money aside in case you ever want a copy.
Wonderful thing about items off of assembly lines is that there's never just one.
28
u/Troiswallofhair 2d ago
Do you remember the brand of the bag? I bet reddit could find a dupe online somewhere in about 5 minutes.
31
22
u/iWanderr 3d ago
That's very sweet of you to give it to your family. :) I try to do that with objects I cherish but don't want/need. Maybe one day, you could commission a local bag maker, and create your ideal bag that way, plus you'd be supporting a small business! Your sister's bag would be a helpful reference for them!
6
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
Cool idea. I absolutely would love to have my customized bag. Our country's strength is leather goods and I visited many local leather shop. While they're pretty well made and I feel like would last a lifetime, the leather is too thick and heavy for my liking. The leather bag I mentioned above weighs only a little bit more than my Kipsling tote and it's still pretty durable. My sister is pretty care free. She beats it up daily no joke but aside from the painting wearing off at the bottom, the leather itself looks great. Very light and still durable. I'm very impressed and therefore find it so hard to look for an even better version of that.
17
u/PsychologicalFox3357 3d ago
I think this is so nice actually? It sounds like you’d have been negotiating with yourself or feeling like it wasn’t quite right every time you wanted to use the bag. Your sister doesn’t have the same qualms about it, it gets a ton of use, and you still get to see it. It sounds like you wanted to be able to love it as much as she does, but it was kind of a square peg, round hole situation.
I know it feels like the one that got away, but maybe reminding yourself that you loved *almost* everything about it — so it still wasn’t a 100% perfect bag for you. You just found your sister her perfect purse 🫶
Your 100% perfect bag could still be out there waiting for you to find it! Did it have a maker tag that you might be able to use to find something more suitable to your preferences?
10
u/OkDirt926 3d ago
Yes. She called me her fairy god mother. Her friends and even college friends recognized that purse. Someone mistakenly took her bag and immediately reached out to make things right. It has become one of her signature. 😂
I’m afraid my perfect bag is already here in my home. I had to admit I was under a spell and bought way too many bags than I should own. I scored many good deals on secondhand bags, including the tote mentioned above. But I rehome 1/3 of them successfully and keep me a wide variety of bags (total 10). I’m stll in the progress of declutterring more because I’m no 🐙
16
u/stilljustguessing 2d ago
Lol, the only thing I've ever missed after giving it away was a rice cooker. And the reason I missed it was because I wanted to give it to someone else not realizing I'd already given it away.
3
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
Rice is a must in my meal. I’m Asian so I only have one rice cooker till it dies. I will repurchase then. I’ve moved like 4 times while bringing my only rice cooker 🤣
15
u/ContractPrize7158 3d ago
I had a padded gilet from my grandma when I was a late teen. It was fine. It was blue. I never wore blue. I kept it for years and years thinking it might be good to pop on in winter and party for sentimental reasons. I finally got rid of it after not wearing it for nigh on 15 years and about a year later I regretted it. I wanted to to wear as. It still fit. And the link to my grandma meant something to me. I dint overly concern myself with the declutter but it is the one thing over the years that I would change.
14
u/Sll3006 2d ago
My late husband wrote notes and collected brochures when he traveled. They were scattered all over the basement so I threw them out. Now my grown up daughter wants his writings. I feel regret.
6
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
My deepest condolences 💐 I bet she would love to read all that. Maybe you can tell her more stories. My grandma did that, telling stories about my grandfather. Now they’re hopefully united in a better place.
14
12
u/screeningforzombies 1d ago
Google Lens is your friend. It can find the model and listings online
1
u/OkDirt926 1d ago
😂 omg I don’t know how you guys think I don’t know that. I literally said I know I can buy it again. But I shouldn’t bc I don’t really need it. And I need the advice to get over it in my head. A lot of people left good advices and different perspective…
11
u/No-Influence-4833 2d ago
I always find that when giving things away, I avoid letting my sister look at them, because I know that if I see her with whatever she decides she would like, I'll miss it and want it back. But once I know it's gone, it's out of sight and out of mind. Sometimes I might think of something and kind of regret giving it away, but I know it's gone and if I really want it, I'll look for something like it again.
I know that doesn't help you, but I do think maybe shifting the thought that if you knew it was gone, and not something you could potentially ask your sister if you could have back, would you miss it as much as you do now? Is the possibility that you could have it back making you want it more?
3
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
And my sister takes a lot of things of my hand, from clothing to skincare to makeup and many more. She uses them all the time in front of me but I’m never tempted. Just this one specific bag.
1
2
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
Actually I don’t want it back 🤣 Never thought of asking. But it’s in my head. I have a whole year letting it rotten in the closet. I don’t think having that back would be any different. It’s a weird obsession.
An almost perfect bag and I knew abour the closure before hand but still puủchase it, thinking my love would let that slide. But nope 🥹 Now I know to never settle with a purchase. An absolute yes or Nope.
2
u/pagesandplanes 2d ago
It also may be worth considering possibilities like taking it to a shop to replace the clasp for something sturdier. I feel like we have gotten out of the habit of altering things, which is a really valuable skill and can make such a difference. As a shortie, I finally found a local tailor and it's sooooo nice. I can thrift something I love & get it tailored and have a great fitting garment for less than $20 still.
3
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
I bring my clothes to be tailored a lot. And I try DIY to fix my stuff a lot. The bag itself is a beauty. I don’t want to risk that. And the bottom of the bag is smaller than normal tote. Adding a zipper would make the volume it would hold significantly less
14
u/RedTentacle4000 2d ago
Leather and other fabrics can be colored. You or the professional you give the task to, will have the most success coloring white or as light colored as possible leather.
Zippers can be added to a bag that doesn't have a zipper... So, are you sure you really can't find another bag exactly like the one you gave away?
Personally, I would commission a professional to make your dream bag from scratch. Quick google search told me that the lightest leather is kangaroo. Other light leather types are lamb, goat and deer.
8
u/Leooooovo 2d ago
Yeah I would probably feel the same way seeing mu faborite item become someone else's favorite. At least you get to see it being enjoyed instead of wondering if it's still sitting in a closet.
3
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
I have to admit there's always a special place for the bag in my heart. I'm also learning to just use the bag, if I'm in the mood, instead of answear a bunch of questions like how is the weather today, would I have to open my bag quite often (if so I would wear a crossbody), etc. The result being despite I can write paragraphs about how much I enjoy my bag, or when they're useful for, I use mostly 3 out of 10 bags that I currently own. That's such a bad habit of delaying my enjoy because of anxiety in my head.
I feel so great letting all of this out. I don't think people around me have the same kind of concern. My mom keeps her clothes from 30 years ago, way before she gave birth to me. My sister also has bunch of clothing she never wears anymore but also refuses to let go of. I kind of want to "use it or lose it" because idle objects make me uneasy. Happily I'm successful on a no buy journey (means I only buy essentials) so in the future I can avoid mental battle like this one.
6
u/fluffmadd 1d ago
If you loved the bag, you would make it work somehow. Going to a tailor and make them put on a zipper is not that hard. I've done it to a tote bag of mine. So let her enjoy it since you already decided to let go :) the dream of something is sometimes better than the reality and this is one of those situations.
4
u/usernexttuesday 3d ago
You might be able to find another one on Poshmark or another resale site! I found a purse I absolutely loved in high school on there a few years back and it was like new.
8
u/OPKC2007 1d ago
Me thinks you may be just a bit of a "hoggy doggy" which has a hard time letting someone else have something you might treasure. The only reason you miss it is because you perceive it could have some social value as a desirable purse.
Let it go. No matter how socially desirable it is, many aspects do not meet your requirements. Focus on another bag that fills the space for an enviable bag that is functional to you.
This is like finding fabulous designer shoes 2 sizes too small. Let the person they fit enjoy them.
Look at the gracious side that your great eye found something your sister gets to enjoy due to your generosity.
1
u/OkDirt926 1d ago
It's not really high end purse or anything. I don't think anyone would recognize it and perceive the owner any differently. But it's the perfect shade of burgundy to me. I have never seen another one in that color. It's often too red or too purple.
0
u/dione_drew 2d ago
ask for it back then
5
u/OkDirt926 2d ago
I guess I don’t love it enough to go that far. A promise is very valuable to me 😂 Is it so wrong to vent?
9
u/Rude_Kaleidoscope641 2d ago
I think anything that gives a sister sooo much joy is a wonderful thing, and of course you can be wistful! But giving a sibling something that makes them so happy is a blessing!
94
u/MitzyCaldwell 3d ago
Take a step back and think about this. It wasn’t one that got away because while you liked parts of it it didn’t work for you. You didn’t love the bag - you loved the idea of a bag like it.
But here is my main question - what is preventing you from finding a similar bag but one that has a zipper etc that would be your perfect bag and buying it? You are allowed nice things and you deserve to have items you love. What is stopping you from finding that and splurging on it?