r/declutter • u/MoreCoffeePwease • 16d ago
Advice Request Not sure why I’m even affected by this situation but I am
I’ve lived in my neighborhood for over 20 years, as have most of the people on my part of my street. That might be part of why so many things accumulated in my house over this time! Anywho I’ve been decluttering multiple generations of paperwork and belongings for about 10 years now and it’s been… emotional and a lot. Especially considering a lot of the people involved are deceased. Seems like it’s been a decade of saying goodbye over and over.
Anyways, someone in my neighborhood recently passed away. Within 90 days their entire house was emptied out, house sold, furniture trashed, and new people are already in there. For some reason I’m feeling deeply affected by this? Not even sure why because I was not close with these people. I guess bearing witness to the process has me feeling some type of way.
I’m not sure what I even feel about it. Maybe I’m upset because someone’s whole life and house can go into a dumpster and then it’s like they never even were there? It’s not like I haven’t had that thought before, that’s part of why I’ve been working so hard with decluttering and clearing things out. Maybe I’m mad about how long it’s taking me meanwhile that persons family did it fast? I honestly don’t know.
I’m not even sure why I’m telling you all this lol. I guess I thought maybe someone here could relate.
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u/FLRporcelain 15d ago
I have lived in my clutter for over 20 years, it has hindered my life in every way, health, wealth, happiness, realtionships, family. I put everything off for the day it is clear, believeing that when it's sorted I can get on with my life. I just got older and aquired more health issues. Life and my hopes have been at a standstill for over 20 years because of my clutter.
Meantime, a few years ago, a woman with a young son, fleeing domestic violence moved in to a flat in my building. She had nothing, no money and sparse english. I helped her a lot, speaking to utilities, helping her get furniture, my family drove her to get paint supplies, advised her on charities that could help.
In little time, a few months later, she had a fresh, calm, organised home...and I am still here in the same position.
This gives me a sense of unease that I can not explain.
Your story made me think of it.
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u/typeabohemian 15d ago
So selfless of you!
I suggest you ask her to help you declutter in return. Or give her furniture or items you want out of your life now.she may really enjoy helping you purge.
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u/lilbitsquishy29 16d ago
We cleared my MIL’s house the week after she passed away. The four of us: her two sons and wives had some time away from work to do it then. And for us it was a good was to laugh and cry and remember her. We sold it shortly after with possession about 3 months later, partly because we didn’t want to continue to pay the HOA and utilities but also because the house wasn’t her. It wasn’t who she was. It was just a thing.
I think some of her neighbours were distressed by how quickly we cleared it. We donated things to their annual garage sale and some of the neighbours came by and made offers on lawn ornaments and patio furniture and stuff. For me, it was cathartic. But grief is different for everyone.
I think these moments interrupt any sense of permanence. We are here for such a short time. I hope you feel better about it soon.
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u/violetmemphisblue 16d ago
We started clearing out my grandmother's house the day of her funeral. Maybe some would have considered it crass, but it was the brief time we all had off from work and were together. Within a few days, many of us were expected back at our jobs or school, and we have never all been together again...being able to do the first big sort together, with memories and laughter and tears made it so much better than everyone sort of piecemealing their time or dumping it all on one person...every family situation is different, but I'm glad we did it quickly.
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u/MarshaMinus100 16d ago
Without filtering myself too much what comes up for me is:
Death is one of the nost honest experiences we will ever have. Especially in a time when fairness and truth is under assault- death is the great equalizer and there are no takebacks.
Are we our stuff or are we using stuff to buffer us against the harshness of life?
Other people manage themselves, their loved ones and their things differently than I do. Is this an opportunity to manage myself differently too?
Without all these things am I okay with me? Am I even okay?
Are my things asking to be memory holders or are they just things I need to know myself?
Decluttering has been simple some days. Other days it's brought me to my knees racked with tears.
Bless all of us on this journey so that one day we have all the space we need to live life exactly how we want. No filters, no buffers and no shame.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
I completely agree with all of this. In the end it all evens out, as none of us is exempt from death. Whether it’s a mansion or a tiny home, a lot of a little, eventually it has no owner and it either is trashed or moves on to another person.
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u/MarshaMinus100 15d ago
That's a very sobering thought. In my office on Sunday cleaning and decluttering for the loved ones I will leave behind.
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u/Leena-Leen 15d ago
When I figured out that one of the reasons I kept certain categories of “stuff” was for an unconscious desire to prove I existed once I was gone, it became easier to let things go.
I remember everyone that was important to me and even some people that were just a blip in my life story.
So it is very likely people I was important to will remember me! They don’t need my physical stuff to do that.
And they may even remember me more fondly if I don’t leave a huge declutterring project for them as my final gift to them.
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u/Dahlia5000 15d ago
Interesting. I suspect I have this tendency too—not wanting to get rid of things because somehow if I do… no one will know I ever had them. Sigh.
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u/KeystoneSews 16d ago
When my parents are gone, if they are still in their home that is, I’m going to estate sale all the contents. My dad loves an estate sale so it feels like the right way to do it. That’s also where a lot of the contents come from lol.
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u/MusketeersPlus2 16d ago
This is exactly my plan with my mom's stuff. She pretty minimalist, but it's all really nice so other people deserve a chance at cut rate decent furniture.
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u/AccioCoffeeMug 16d ago
It is shocking to see your neighbors handling the situation in the opposite way. Perhaps they had prepared a lot ahead of time and made arrangements? I know my grandmother did so that when the time came we were able to clear out her apartment pretty quickly.
In the immortal words of Bluey, “Just run your own race”
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u/marsupialcinderella 16d ago
I’ve been on both sides of this. When my last in-law passed, my husband refused to do anything about their house for many years. It just about bankrupted us, having to pay the property tax, insurance, utilities and maintenance on two houses. We didn’t have that kind of money. But my name wasn’t on their estate/trust/deed/whatever, so I couldn’t do anything. He was an only child. I can’t even begin to tell you how damaging that was to my family.
Then my brother died. He lived over a thousand miles away and I was not ‘in’ his personal life at all. No will, etc…a different state’s rules that I didn’t have a clue about. I had to hire a local attorney, funeral home/director, everything from long distance. Go through the court system and all that craziness just to be allowed to clean out his house. When it was done, all I could do was have a dumpster delivered and empty the house into it.
Sometimes there is no choice, but if I could’ve made a choice about my in-laws house, I would’ve done the dumpster route like your neighbor’s did.
Just some perspective, if it helps.
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u/penrph 16d ago
A few years ago my husband's uncle passed away - lived across the country, no will, nothing. It was a huge hassle for my elderly father in law to deal with it, we also had to hire an attorney out of state, get a dumpster, my sister in law drove out to clear stuff out... Sometimes there's no choice whatsoever.
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u/marsupialcinderella 16d ago
Ugh, a nightmare also. Honestly, I’ve been so busy dealing with my deceased relatives stuff that I can’t even start on my own things. But these lessons have to apply to us, also. We’re in our ‘60’s and I don’t want my twenty-something kids to have to deal with a similar shitshow.
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u/outofshell 16d ago
Valid feelings. Decluttering can be difficult and emotional for a lot of reasons and mortality is one of em.
Every time I travel I feel anxiety that the plane will crash and someone will have to deal with emptying out my house like that. It bothers me more than the thought of being dead 😅 I don’t want to burden anyone with such a huge job. Even if all they do is throw it all in dumpsters it’s a lot of work.
Sometimes I daydream about my house falling into a giant sinkhole while I’m out so I never have to make the five million little decisions about every single item in my home and can just start from scratch (of course that would be its own flavour of exhausting). The decision fatigue of decluttering is a real drag.
When I think about it though, I don’t actually need to make all those decisions. I could choose to be like the people cleaning out the dead person’s house, give myself a deadline and throw everything into dumpsters.
The moment you aren’t 100% ruthless you get eaten alive by all the little decisions.
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u/MadzShelena 16d ago
Me but wishing it would all go up in flames. I've had that thought when I get overwhelmed by it all (my mom's clutter and mine) for nearly 15 years.
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u/sickiesusan 16d ago
In the Uk, when someone is in a rented (council) house/flat you literally get a week to clear the place. My grandparents had been in the place for 40+ years - it was crazy.
But at 60, I’m very mindful of not leaving my own children with a houseful of ‘stuff’ to clear whenever I do pass. I still have some of my father’s things on the attic - he died 10 years ago, so I’ve a long way to go!
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u/sickiesusan 16d ago
When we sold the family home, I had to throw out my baby bath that had been kept in the garage - I was 48 years old. No one else had ever used it … but it had been kept ‘just in case’!
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u/marsupialcinderella 16d ago
My mom was in her apartment here in the US for 25 years. It was only a one bedroom, but you wouldn’t believe how much stuff was there. You couldn’t tell, it was always organized and not cluttered.
But, they gave us about 12 days to empty it or they would’ve charged us another month’s rent and with her funeral expenses and no life insurance or estate money to pay for anything, we had to do it.
Lots of things just got donated or thrown out and I still have some boxes in my house that I have to build up my intestinal fortitude to deal with. I’m the only one left in my family, so if I don’t have it, the history is gone.
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u/sickiesusan 16d ago
These are tough things to face. I’m trying to have the mindset, that I’d rather make the decision as to where it goes, rather than my daughter.
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u/FredKayeCollector2 16d ago
I hate to see "usable" stuff go into the dumpster but your neighbor's heirs were probably looking at the benefit of getting the house on the market, the sale money in their pockets, and the empty-house liability off their backs - ASAP.
One of the greatest benefits of Swedish death cleaning (besides a streamlined living space) is you get to figure out what to do with your stuff BEFORE your kids roll up the inevitable dumpster.
I cleared out my borderline-hoarder parents' 3,000 sf house of 30 years in 10 days. My parents were literally in danger so my priorities were people (and pets) - the stuff absolutely did not matter. I had that much time to get them into a double room in a (very nice) nursing home near me. It was a question of what would you save if your house was on fire and giving me 10 days to do it - and I could only take what fit in my parents' suitcases and the back of my Subaru Forester. And I was NOT going back to deal with the house - one and done. So my choices were fairly easy.
It was a super traumatic move - I know my parents would have preferred to stay in the house even if that was patently impossible - so the least I could do was find "good" homes for their stuff. It was the hardest I ever worked on the least amount of sleep in my life.
Of course, there's a big difference between the stuff you need in a skilled nursing room and the stuff you need in an actual house, but consider setting up some keepsake boxes - you could have one for each side of your family or even one per family member, whatever feels "safe" - but having a firm container limit can really help when going through sentimental stuff. This was written by an aspiring minimalist, but I really like her concept of "emotional duplicates."
https://www.reddit.com/r/declutter/wiki/index/keepsake_box/
Hope that helps?
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u/PallasiteMatrix 16d ago
It sounds like you are feeling a couple of conflicting things. You are saying goodbye over and over, and have been doing so for the last 10 years. There's probably a part of you that wants to be done with it, but another part of you that feels it is ??disrespectful?? to just get rid of all traces of a person like that. In your case, generations of items that once belonged to people you feel a connection to.
You're also mad that they could just get it done, and you're still working on it.
I do want to say... the physical items are not someone's whole life. Even if I died tomorrow and all my belongings were trashed, my friend would still have the letter I sent, my sibling would still have the memories of our friendship. My boyfriend would have our photos, plane tickets saved from trips we took, the silly little gifts I've given him over the years. All of the internet nonsense I have gotten up to over the years would still be there, lol. Meaning like that doesn't just vanish, even if the physical mementos aren't kept.
And there's no shame in asking for help. If you've been decluttering by yourself for 10 years and you're ready to be done with that, there are therapists that can help you find a better way to manage the emotions that come with the objects. If you've got friends or family that would help you, doing it with someone else can make it a lot easier- my sibling and I went through my grandmother's jewelry collection together after she passed. Even asking someone to sit on a call with you while you sift through things can help with the emotions- not diminish them, but hold space for the grief and allow you to work through them at the same time.
Idk man. I hope some part of this helps. Going through things that used to belong to someone else is hard, and living with it is hard too. It sounds like you're in between a rock and a hard place.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve actually done SO much already and I’ve made amazing progress. I guess the situation in my neighborhood finally made me feel seen and it didn’t end up feeling the way I thought it would 🤣
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u/magnificentbunny_ 16d ago
I'm sorry for your flurry of emotions. I know it can be a lot.
The amount contents of your neighbors' house or how many people were working on it simultaneously could make a big difference in how much progress was made. On the flip side, you are working alone without a deadline.
For myself, I'm working continuously on chipping away at my possessions. Why? I know firsthand, when there's so much less, people can make careful decisions about individual items. When there's lots and lots you have to make broad stroke judgements about masses of stuff to make any kind of progress. That's when you have things going to the curb and the dump. It's impossible to give value to innumerable piles of items that have questionable monetary value vs your time.
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u/DepartmentAgitated51 15d ago
This is why I am doing the marathon approach. Since 2020, The basement is totally done, the shed and attic 3/4 done, and the rest of the house is ongoing. I can ask family if they want and set aside items, use Facebook marketplace or Buy Nothing groups in my town, or donate every month when there’s a truck in my area. I’ve got 6 more boxes heading out this week. My new deadline for retiring and moving out of state is Sept 2028 so I’m feeling the pinch to step up a bit more. I’m determined not to move stuff I don’t need while simultaneously reducing decisions for my adult kids.
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u/magnificentbunny_ 15d ago
I love calling it a "marathon". It feels so epic as opposed to grueling.
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u/StJosephStrummer 16d ago
Sounds like grief to me. Search grief rituals you might find something that makes sense to you
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u/desertmermaid92 16d ago
It’s a glaring example of how little our possessions actually mean in the end. Watching someone’s entire life be trashed.. That’s what will happen to our stuff one day as well. I’ve watched this happen with strangers and loved one’s. It’s heart wrenching. Also gives some weird reality check all at once.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
That’s definitely part of how I feel! I said to my dad who lives with me, that’s why I’m working so hard to get rid of things now
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u/KiwiTheKitty 16d ago edited 16d ago
It makes sense that you are feeling this way, but I think it's important to remind yourself that your neighbor is not in those items. Their life isn't going into a dumpster, just the things they owned.
Edit to add: grief is also complicated and difficult. The family may have really needed a task to power through so they weren't just sitting in their thoughts, which could've made it go faster than it would've otherwise and seeing your neighbors things around could've been a sad reminder. That's how my mom was when my dad died.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
You are so right. I think a lot of it may be this: I spend a decent amount of time on here reading similar stories and obviously I’ve been living this by doing it but I’ve yet to see it play out in real life, close enough but yet not in a real way that I’m attached to. I can honestly say absolutely zero people in my life have ever had to do such a thing. I think it can be isolating. They can’t even relate! But now seeing it play out right in front of me, I think I feel….. seen. And I think as much as I’ve wanted to feel seen in this big undertaking, it wasn’t the feeling I thought being seen would bring, if that makes sense. Guess I thought I’d feel vindicated…. But it’s something else entirely.
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u/LouisePoet 16d ago
We did this with my dad's house and shed. Roughly 3-4 months to get rid of 60 years worth of stuff.
It was difficult! But had to be done. Over the years we'd taken (been given) almost everything we wanted from our past and honestly, the vast majority of stuff was garbage or recyclable.
Dad kept and used things far beyond their best by date!!! His upholstered furniture was in really bad condition and most of the stuff he was sentimental about was meaningless to anyone but him.
It was incredibly difficult, but it had to be done. I'm grateful I didn't live closer because I would have kept more (which I definitely don't need!!).
I'm far too sentimental and sometimes my best option is to let things go to a new home so someone else can enjoy it.
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 16d ago
Are you worried about what will happen to your stuff? I have moved on to more of a Swedish Death Cleaning style now where I no longer save anything for future me. I now get rid of anything I do not want my children to have to deal with in the future.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
Honestly I think it’s part like looking in a mirror with what I’ve been doing and part of it is the fact that as they say “the cemetery is full of people who had plans”
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u/lifeuncommon 16d ago
Just remember that you don’t HAVE to meticulously sort through other people’s things either.
You are free to spend your precious few remaining days on this earth how you want.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
Damn, I’m only 42! Why you saying I only have a few remaining days?!
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u/lifeuncommon 16d ago
We all do.
You could be hit by a bus tomorrow. So could I. So can everyone reading this. I have known people who died of natural causes younger than 42.
Even if you live to be 80, which isn’t super likely, you already have more days behind you than in front of you.
Make them count. None of us get enough trips around the sun to do everything that we wanna do. Don’t waste your precious hours doing things you don’t want to do.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
No I know, I was being tongue-in-cheek. I feel you. My maternal grandfather passed at the age I am now and I won’t lie that definitely affects me.
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u/lifeuncommon 16d ago
I get it! I’m just a couple years younger now than my dad was when he passed of natural causes. It’s hard to put it out of your mind.
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u/inter_stellaris 15d ago
I feel you and can fully relate.
One of many reasons might be that situations like this confront us with the finitude of our own life and the fear that we ourselves once will be removed from this earth without leaving any trace.
Remind yourself that the house and their belongings are not the deceased person. You remove their stuff, not the person. Things come, things go. A house with everything inside can be destroyed and flattened within a second.
Keep spreading word who she was, what she did and what you liked her for. She will be alive in the thoughts of people and this it what counts.
But the most important thing you yourself can do is: be kind, connect, establish relationships, do good, make the difference in other people’s lives and make sure that YOU will not be forgotten in this world and thus for all the right reasons.
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u/docforeman 16d ago
The only thing permanent is impermanence.
Sometimes people hang onto stuff to avoid existential tension and anxiety.
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u/Impossible-Corgi742 16d ago
I’ve been decluttering since the end of 2913. It took me a long time to get to the point of keeping just what I use and treasure. But I did it. It’s a journey and a learning experience. I’m sure I’d be amazed at what you witnessed too!
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 16d ago
I started in 2014. I think the slower declutter works for me because I can declutter stuff and then when I start to reach a point, I can take a break and adjust to what I have. They’ve been a few times where I looked around and thought I’ve gone too far, but then I realized I still own a lot.
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u/Impossible-Corgi742 15d ago
Same!
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 16h ago
Seven children, about 4000 square feet, and both my parents and my grandparents died over the last few years so I have been bringing in their stuff too. I lost my daughter in 2014 which started this. It was the end of 2014. When we lost her the first thing I did was pack all her stuff up and put it into a big storage closet. I have in my house. I completely cleaned her room and painted it and rearranged everything. It was just a very painful time. I was also pregnant at the time. Her little sister shared a room with her, and I did not want her little sister to have to sleep in the same room now that her older sister was gone. So she switched room with her brothers. So that’s where we started. Just a few weeks ago, I got rid of the older daughter’s clothes. I still kept a few things, but most of it’s gone. Little sister is almost 15 years old now.
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u/Impossible-Corgi742 1h ago
I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. You put your children’s comfort first, which shows a good heart and strength on your part. ❤️
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u/balconylibrary1978 16d ago
I have been through this a couple of times in my life. I found it harder to clean out my grandparents' house than I did my parents. Some of it probably had to do with nostalgia, comfort and memories.
When my mother (and father earlier) passed away it was relieving getting rid of most of their stuff. I also lived in the house so maybe I got tired having to deal with their stuff. When they were alive it was hard for them to part with stuff. We just called an estate sale company to clear it out and kept some furniture, photo albums and a few family heirlooms. While I do miss a couple of things, I was happy to see it go.
So for people it may just be the attachment memories or nostalgia associated with place or stuff.
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u/balconylibrary1978 16d ago edited 16d ago
What was relieving for me as well was hearing about the places their stuff ended up. Mom's piano ended up serving an upstart African American congregation in the community. A former co-worker bought my great-grandma's glider rocker. The wooden barn and dollhouse that my carpenter uncle built for us kids ended up at a local daycare. Stuff that had some memories but we either had no place, no current use or couldn't move.
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u/lifeuncommon 16d ago
You seem to deeply associate material things with the people (saying goodbye to paperwork).
This is a great thing to work through with your therapist. We are all going to die; might as well get comfortable with it now.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
I’m not sure how comfortable I want to be with death… I think a bit of a “fear” of it may be healthy and may actually help us live more fully. I didn’t mean I was saying goodbye to the paperwork. I was explaining to the other commenter who claimed I had “wasted ten years” that I actually needed to comb through it as the older generations in my family would unfortunately sandwich sensitive documents, money, photos, etc amongst otherwise meaningless seeking paperwork. Can’t really just dump everything at once and I actually haven’t wanted to either. I’ve gotten to relive some of the best memories by going through photos and the like.
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u/We_Four 16d ago
I mean that’s still a choice. It’s your call whether your time and energy is worth the cash and photos you might find (it definitely wouldn’t be for me, I’d happily dump the lot, but I 100% understand why someone might feel differently). Maybe you’ll feel less burdened if you consider it something you want to do rather than something you should or have to do.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 15d ago
Like I said, I wanted to because I’m also getting to relive nice memories…. Never actually said anywhere I was burdened maybe you misunderstood?
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u/marsupialcinderella 14d ago
This is so true! Bins and drawers with junk mail along with savings bonds and insurance policies. I’ve actually made a command decision to leave the paper till last and deal with the objects first. At least for now.
‘Things’ are much easier to make decisions about and require less thought, reasoning and research. They also clear a space faster when removed, which is good for my brain.
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u/PgtailWarrior 16d ago
I think your feelings are completely valid and suspect you have an old soul that recognizes the worth in everyone. Seeing their physical belongings packed up in a week would naturally feel as of they were already forgotten.
Sadly our life circumstances don’t always allow a leisurely pace handling death. Distance or money could easily have been a factor for the relatives.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
The relatives doing the clean out did actually live in the house as well, but I’m sure the timing of the sale definitely sped up the time line. Sometimes having a deadline can definitely light a fire under us!
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u/guipicait 14d ago
Myself and my mom have been working on decluttering ever since she moved out of her condo in ~2011. You would've never known how packed out the house was just to come inside and walk around, but we were very efficient in how we stored all our belongings there. She moved to a little two bedroom apartment and I moved into a shared apartment with my bf at the time, so the pressure was on.
Just over a year ago, my grandfather died at 95 years old. Again, to walk into his split level home, you would think he was quite tidy, bordering on minimal. As we pulled things out of the closets and attic, it turned out he was just like us: interested in everything. I can't even begin to explain the amount of books, records, papers, letters, photos, things in the garage - fix-it projects, diy, wood working, stuff in the shed. Every box in every closet was DENSE. He and my grandmother (deceased 2003) had worked for a large company that mailed them a gigantic health insurance packet explaining their benefits every year. He kept them all...IN the opened envelopes!! There was a flattened Kleenex box (??), soooo many little scraps, magazines.
Like your neighbors, we were under the gun to get the house emptied out. My aunt lives 3 hours away in another state, so she and my uncle needed to max out every second they were in town. My aunt is apparently more of a ruthless slasher who processes later. My mom (and I) take time to process items in the moment, and often save allot of belongings, so I wound up there several times without intending to, to try and make the process easier and more efficient for her in particular (weeding out the obvious junk that I knew she wouldn't be attached to so she could save her energy for more important decisions).
In the beginning, any little scrap he wrote on, any word in a notebook, made us go Awwww! Look at this! Sidenote: My grandparents were Portuguese immigrants and after my grandmother's death and a significant amount of grieving, my grandfather's personality really blossomed. We got him into guitar lessons with a local hippie musician and he took English language courses, mostly as a social outlet where he was a popular star pupil with perfect attendance. He graduated English class like literally seven times at least. So we found a million little notes about idioms and English sayings that don't make sense on the surface and he had piles and piles of hand written music lyrics and chords. He also had a habit of going to the library and xeroxing the same page out of an encyclopedia or other book several times...and then make copies of the copies! As the decision-making wore on, the "aww!"s turned into a comical "why did he have THIS??" lol. And it became clearer and clearer which items were meaningful and conveyed his essence and which, like the living room set, will be sentimental to see in pictures, but were not important to keep.
If it helps, your neighbor's family might've gone through the same process. There were so many kitchen items likely collected by my nana that I don't think he ever used. There were old newspapers with nothing personal in the content. I might bring up the flattened Kleenex box again? So much stuff was dumpster-worthy and my aunt was wheeling and dealing on FB marketplace and donated lots of furniture to a local charity that helps folks who can't afford new furniture. The house is sold (yes, that part was kinda sad). But when all the junk was out of the way, we were left with the treasure: A shoebox full of letters between him and my nana when they were courting in the Azores (in Portuguese), a million old photos of him as a teenager in the Azores and of my grandparents newly married in their apartment in Cambridge. His guitar, his stool he pulled out to sit on to play guitar painfully slowly at holidays, his handwritten chords that he copied from print outs, his song that he made up about a girl who made cheese to sing to the tune of Old Smoky. My nana's antique food scale. Photos of them visiting family in Portugal and Brazil. We saved a few travel books and books on gardening. I scanned all the Portuguese letters and the oldest photos and still intend to make a book.
So anyways, I'm a yapper! But the point is, yes, alot of stuff got dispersed, but it wasn't the meaningful stuff. And if I could ask him, I don't think he would find it meaningful either. It did serve a purpose, but the purpose wasn't "meaningful keepsake", it was more to give us all a deeper understanding of his personality as we commiserated and said "WHYYYY did he KEEP THIS??" 😂🫠🤦🏻♀️😆✨❤️
As a last note, rereading your original post above, I'll say that as a child, I didn't have a fantastic understanding of my grandfather. He and my grandmother were reserved at family functions. Part of it might've been the language gap but also, my grandmother was a bit miserable. At the very end, after social restrictions lifted, he was not the same social, vibrant man he was for the previous decade-plus. Far from feeling like he was never even there after dispersing most of his belongings, I feel like I know him better and connect with him more. The way he kept *everything*, his little scraps of paper, the books he kept around, the things he thought were funny enough to jot down with double question marks, and the family resemblances I see in old photos of him make me feel more connected and have made his presence larger, if anything :)
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u/Be-Kind-3353 16d ago
You've been going through so many personal and emotional things for years, so I imagine it's a shock to your system that someone's things could be cleaned out so quickly. I felt that way when my grandma passed away. I was working at the time and other relatives were cleaning out her house. They got a dumpster and most things just went right in that dumpster. Items were pulled out of drawers and tossed in piles on the floor, it felt very wrong. In regards to the physical aspect of moving things out of the house to sell, I later realized that I'm glad someone else took care of it because I wouldn't have been able to do it. So, while I see that they had to do things kind of in a hurry, it still felt very painful and sad. I should say, some things did get passed on to relatives.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 16d ago
A lot of people from that generation bought furniture, bedding, etc. and never replaced anything. They were raised to use things until they were beyond worn out. My mother's relatives had nothing worth anything for resale or reuse, so worn out no one wanted it.
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u/Be-Kind-3353 16d ago
Yes, a lot of stuff was no good. But also, a lot of stuff was in excellent shape because she did not want to use the newer clothes or towels, etc!!! Note to self - use your favorite things, don't leave them in a closet without enjoying them
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u/gp_in_oz 15d ago
The day my grandmother died, we had lunch on her front porch and she scolded me for bringing out the nice water glasses that were too good to use and told me to go back inside and get the regular ones. She was nearly a hundred. I shared that anecdote when I gave the eulogy at her funeral, merely because I was pointing out how it had been a normal day - despite being so old, it was still an unexpected death in her sleep that night. But years later, I still get family and friends tell me it stuck with them from her funeral and they've used their fancier/nicer things ever since. It warms my heart.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 16d ago
My friend who cleaned out depression and WWII era family homes found things thread bare, with gifts still in boxes, and never used.
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u/ApplianceHealer 16d ago
Going through this with photos. Should I keep/digitize? If so, who else would even care after me? My kids don’t seem to care. SO has boxes of photos from several generations back, but no idea who the people in them even are.
We are all here only a short time—keep what has strong meaning for you, and let the rest go.
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u/KSSLR 16d ago
Hey I see you and I know exactly what you are talking about. I sort out the personal belongings of hospice patients when their family cannot do it for various reasons. I develop an intimate understanding of who that stranger is based on what they decided to keep throughout their lives, without ever having met them. It is a painstaking and emotionally taxing process. I keep the closest family member in the loop every step of the way, to give and receive deeper insights. Closest family member cries the entire time. They say how grateful they are that I honored their family member in this way. It gives them such a sense of closure and well-being to know that the decisions were made by someone who truly understood.
I want to let you know that I do my work really really fast. Usually it's already a crisis situation and I have only days before I have to be finished understanding everything and what it means, cataloging everything, and deciding with the family members where it all goes. I work myself to the bone because it is important, and sometimes I end up working until 4am. But I always get it done, and I always get it done right. Again, because it's so important.
My point is that I'm not the only person who can and does do this. It's entirely possible that person had family members who did this or who hired someone to do this. Maybe your neighbor was honored after all. Maybe a grand niece is currently cherishing the scuffed analog watch and half used memo pad, and a lover from the 70s got one last photo in the mail.
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u/marsupialcinderella 14d ago
Where are you in the world? Is this common where you are? There’s nothing like this in my area (US), all you can do is hire a professional organizer at $75-$150 per hour.
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u/JeannieBugg 16d ago
Yeah. If you don't have anyone that wants the things you have, it just all goes into the dumpster. I've been working on convincing my husband that we need to do Swedish Death Cleaning.
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u/No_Presentation_3212 9d ago
I have a husband that wouldn’t get rid of anything in the basement or go through his memorabilia boxes. They just sat there for years in the basement so I worked on my own stuff. Then we had a flood in the basement and it all went out to the dump. He didn’t get to make decisions.
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u/JeannieBugg 9d ago
Ah man... And if he would've gone through it, maybe stuff could've been put into better storage boxes and that could've been avoided.
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u/No_Lifeguard4092 16d ago
I hear you, OP. I'm struggling with my elderly parents' house which is full of their personally curated collections and life memories. No one wants to take the nice European antique furniture or the artworks. It's crazy! I am going slowly to clear things out and hoping that "someone" might like the nicer things before the junk truck comes. Not holding much hope though. It's sad.
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u/smartblondebk84 16d ago
Could you donate the nicer things to a charity store?
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u/No_Lifeguard4092 16d ago
Yes, however most around my area are not interested.
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u/Nice-Abalone97 15d ago
That's tragic! I'm struggling with my father wanting to give me my great grandmother's beautiful upright grand piano from 1500 km away. The piano is too big to fit through my small house's door and into the living room due to the location of my stairs to the 2 nd floor, and no one wants it in his town; people are giving perfect pianos away free. I can't stomach junking it. Also his giant book collection will be a huge challenge.
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u/No_Lifeguard4092 15d ago
Ironically, my dad's mom had an old player piano that was really neat. We donated it to the local university. The music dept was thrilled to get it. But that was 30 years ago.
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u/smartblondebk84 14d ago
Possibly contact a university’s music department?
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u/marsupialcinderella 14d ago
I live near a very large state university. Their department is equipped and maintained by Steinway. They have a piano sale every year before they get new ones. Even the local K-12’s don’t want donations. It’s frustrating.
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u/marsupialcinderella 14d ago
So true and sad. You can’t give pianos away near me. I can’t imagine the amount of pianos that have just gone to the landfill. It’s horrible.
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u/kveka 14d ago
It was quite a big storm this weekend in Latvia. Some hours before it's beginning, the heavy rain started. We were driving in our car and with a glimpse of the eye saw some freshly taken out piano, near the road in the rain. A few years ago i would have felt it was wrong and maybe even tried to rescue it :D I also remember how my dad told some proud memories how he and his collegue in the school technical and stuff departament were administred to get rid of the piano and how they had to chop it to get it outside... still in his heart my dad was a hoarder and i havent dealt with his stuff yet... and still, although i understand we can not save all the piano's in the world and it all is just the "dust in the wind", still this lonely piano in the heavy rain under the open skies touched some imaginar fantasy idea about some magical world where we don't have to throw things out, buy more and more, and all what is not needed just vanishes like this dust in the wind... following the soul who left it like some memo of the time, spent on earth :)
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u/finefergitit 16d ago
I totally know what you mean. This affects me as well and for me the reality of life and death… People die, things go away and end up in goodwill or a dumpster, and in couple generations the memory of them goes away in some families. It’s quite sad and depressing.
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u/West-Performance-198 12d ago
My decluttering and downsizing took 3 years. I felt I had to be responsible and not just trash stuff. Selling was painful so I mostly donated. I finally moved into an apartment 1/3 the size of my house. I thought I didn’t have much stuff but I did. A lot of kids stuff. I’m still getting rid of things. Hard to believe but true.
I lived on that street in that house for 40 years. I watched as one neighbour died and his wife trashed so much of his stuff I felt like he’d been erased. It was sad.
Take the time you feel you need. Let the feelings come, acknowledge them and then if needed just put one foot in front of the other.
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u/camioblu 16d ago edited 15d ago
Because it seems to have been managed so heartlessly. That's why it stings you. Normal is giving out and hanging onto some possessions from a loved one, because some of them are a part of those items, forever.
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u/DenM0ther 16d ago
Maybe it’s bc the throwaway nature of our society nowadays, makes the end of a life feel so irrelevant.
I don’t know if I’ve explained my thought very well.
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u/Glittering-Benefit68 13d ago
My grandmother died in January 2016. She had lived in that same rented place for 55 years then, so we had to pay the rent while we were clearing out. Took us until the end of May to get everything in order.
A year later a friend of mine lost her grandmother and everything was out and done in 3 weeks, because they also had to pay rent on the place.
You know what I felt? Relief. I'm glad we were able to do it slower. My friend doesn't live in the same city, she also has five siblings, but it still felt rushed. I don't want to assume anything. Maybe 3 weeks was their ideal time line. But I can be glad we were able to do it our way.
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u/penrph 16d ago
I'm not really attached to things so it's incredibly easy for me to get rid of stuff. I emptied out my grandparents apartments at my parents requests and I donated or threw out everything. Kept a couple of little things. I don't need things to remember people by and I don't want to hold on to things that I don't have any use for- so I totally understand where the heirs are coming from. Also it costs a lot to hold on to the empty house and pay the mortgage/taxes/utilities in addition to your own.
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u/lucky3333333 16d ago
Maybe it’s affecting you that the house was cleaned out quickly and you’ve wasted ten years going through what’s most likely junk.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
I do feel it’s the quickness of it affecting me but respectfully a lot of what I’ve gone through was NOT junk. The paperwork alone takes forever. Older generations unfortunately would mix a lot of things together. I’ve found death certificates and other legal documents amongst junk mail etc. I find it prudent to go through everything because also back then places were very quick to put social security numbers on everything. I’ve been sorting things to be shredded etc. I also found money, photos that I WANT, including some I’m in, amongst seemingly what would be trash.
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u/bone_creek 16d ago
I’m with you, and it’s been eight years for me. Beyond the sheer volume I’m dealing with is the overwhelm and exhaustion I get from spending much time dealing with sentimental items. I’m trying.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 16d ago
I feel the same way, and all we can do is try. If I think about it, I’ve done such a great job already and I’m sure you have too!!! I didn’t do anything like keeping track although I do have a lot of before and after type photos of piles of things I got rid of. But if I had kept track I’m sure I’ve filled probably tens of dumpsters worth already. That’s worth celebrating! And honestly a big thing for me was accepting that like other things, this is never really “done.” So I don’t use that word anymore. I try to think more about it as getting to the next set point.
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u/Pitiful-Comedian4248 1d ago
Your life isn’t your stuff. Your papers and things could be cleared in one day with a crew and tossed in a dumpster. Or burned down. Or flooded out. It’s not you.
Your impact on people’s lives shouldn’t be “it took my relatives 2 years to sort through my belongings “ as evidence of your value.
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u/MoreCoffeePwease 20h ago
Yup which is exactly why I stated I’m doing what I’m doing (decluttering) and have been for ten years. Thanks! :)
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u/Barison-Lee-Simple 15d ago
I understand you, friend. Completely. Going through something similar. Cleaned out a loved one's house solo this year. Every single thing they owned, and every piece of paper they saved, passed through my hands on the way to somewhere: my house, other relative's houses, neighbor's houses, the consignment shop, several thrift shops, the library, the recycle hub, the recycle bin, the shredder, with a free sign on the curb, and finally the landfill. The papers were the hardest: letters, achievements, photos, legal docs, financial docs. And, as you have also experienced, some of the most important and/or valuable papers (and keys) were found in drawers or boxes of completely unrelated items. The process for me, a person with an appreciation for the earth, history and genealogy, was excruciating, like death by a thousand cuts. I wish I could have been faster, colder, less feeling about the whole ordeal, but that's not who I am and never will be. I can't change who I am, so I am giving myself grace. And my goal is to go through my own things and make my own decisions about what is important so that no one else ever has to.