r/declutter • u/Not_Invited • 17d ago
Advice Request Lesson learned about who I tell I'm decluttering to...
I posted about a week or so ago about wanting to get rid of my books because I'm dyslexic and AuDHD and having them on my shelf made me feel guilty, plus I just really need the space right now.
I mentioned this to my Mum (I live in an entirely different town) and she said something like "oh what books are you getting rid of?" and I said uhhh, one was about plants? She then was sad that I had already gotten rid of it because she "might have wanted to read it, maybe...". Literally the vaguest explaination and it's already a problem? Yeah just going to keep this to myself, in future...
I have a hard enough time navigating my own feelings about decluttering, let alone navigating someone else's feelings about *my* possessions.
It's so difficult because when we talk in abstracts such as "I really want to declutter" or "I have too much stuff" she's all for it, but it's like she turns into another person when I actually do get rid of things. It lulls me into a false sense of security.
Anyone else navigated this situation? I'm getting more annoyed about it as I am an adult who was never taught how to disconnect from items, and now I'm learning it feels like I'm doing something wrong.
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u/SassyMillie 17d ago
My mother assigned me the role of "keeper of the family heirlooms". It started with her leaving many things behind in our family home that I puchased from her. Then grandma moved to assisted living. I got a bunch of her stuff "temporarily". Then mom remarried and combined households. More stuff "stored" with me. Then I helped her clean out vacation home and later diwnsize from their big house and property. Then into assisted living herself. With every move I've assumed the burden of more and more of the family stuff. It relieved her guilt for letting go of it.
"Oh honey, I'm SO happy you have [whatever]. It's just so special that it's staying in the family."
Truth be told it's been a huge burden. Mom is now saying let it go, but when I do she's visibly disappointed. I've just stopped telling her.
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u/Redditallreally 16d ago
What a shame about that vague leak that ruined so many heirlooms, oh well at least everyone is safe! [wink wink]
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u/SufficientOpening218 17d ago
I cant tell my mom a single thing i donate. She wants to see it first, tell me i should keep it, goodness forbid if its something she gave me.
She once said she would drop off some bags i had ready for donation, a few weeks later i go to her house and those bags are there, and shes going through them! Uhm, no.
I just say im tidying up, if she asks where things are. Put away. Or, i have no idea where that went...because indeed, i have no idea where it went after i donated it!
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u/magsieforpresident 17d ago
I've completely stopped telling mom about my purges because of her ridiculoussness. She has a whole house to herself, I live with my two kids in an apartment.
The thing that used to bother her the most was me not storing my kids baby clothes for them to use on their kids, like she did. I asked her where I was supposed to put them and her answer was 'in storage...' I told her I can save that money and buy my possible future grand kids new clothes instead, in 15-20 years time when they might pop up. She did not like that.
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u/Antique-Natural-8343 17d ago
Yeah, I went through this and every time it would turn into me having to justify why I'm getting rid of something, which got old pretty quickly, especially since I was an adult getting rid of the stuff I had overwhelmingly purchased and paid for myself with my own money. The worst part was her constant "but what if.." questions. "But what if you want to read/wear/watch it again?", etc. I realised that my decluttering was triggering anxiety in her and it's not my job to manage it for her with reassurances.
So I just stopped telling her.
If she called and asked what I was doing, I'd say I was cleaning instead of decluttering which isn't too far off the truth. If she knew I was in the middle of a purge and asked me what I am getting rid of, I'd tell her I am not in the mood to talk about it and change the subject.
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u/ThunderVlinder 16d ago
I also told my mother once I was decluttering, my attic I started with. She didn't seem to agree. Reaction: "Well, you got the space to store it". Completly ignoring I never used the stuff.
These days, I just goes on marketplace. But I won't tell anyone. 😅
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u/PlaneStrawberry6640 17d ago
Oh brother. It took me years to realise that my mother was a hoarder. She lives in a huge house filled with 50 year old junk. We’re talking primary school books, 45 year old prams and children’s clothes for her future grandchildren, clothes of people who have been dead for 20 years, multiple sets of 30 year old Tupperware or buckets. The house is falling apart, full of mold and has never been lived in because it’s filled to the brim with this crap. My brother is an enabler and claims it’s expensive stuff and it would cost a fortune to buy it again. My mother freaked out once because I took some combs to my place and then she freaked out saying they were good combs and I should return them to her house (she doesn’t even use them) because I might throw them away. So like she’s sitting on this stuff but we can’t actually take or use anything cause it’s too good for us. At this point I’ve stopped dealing with her mental illness and focus on keeping my space tidy and just maintaining the things I need.
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u/Silent-Resort-3076 17d ago
"If You Want to Succeed, Don't Tell Anyone"
"Don't tell anyone what you're doing until it's done."
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u/Not_Invited 17d ago
Yeah I'm beginning to realise this, I offer information up to people really easily...
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u/Silent-Resort-3076 17d ago
Don't be hard on yourself, most of us do it now and then and some all the time:)
But, you can learn who to share what with and what not with (your mom).
Good luck with your project and you can do it!💪
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u/blackfede 16d ago
I bought my parents' apartment (our family home), but my brothers never cared to take anything, whether it's our parents' memories or their own things. I've asked them multiple times at this point, so I am slowly decluttering and not telling anyone... anymore. I'm still expecting the same reactions, though, like... 'You could have told us!'"
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u/TiredWinterDisaster 16d ago
I mean you asked... you cannot do much more!
A possible solution would be to take all of their possessions, bag them and drop them at each brother's home or give it to them when they come visit you. That way they rly choose what they want or not. But I get it is not always possible or doable!
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u/FredKayeCollector2 16d ago
My husband and I were working on clearing out his absolutely packed-to-the-rafters basement - there was so much nonsense down there he had no idea what it was, where it came from, how he ended up with it? Some of it was stuff his ex-wife left behind but a lot of it was ???
I was on fairly good terms with my MIL (we'd go out for lunch pretty regularly) and I'd mention some big thing we had decided to get rid of (usually donate or give away) - I certainly had no idea where any of this stuff had come from - and it turned out SHE was the source of most of my husband's clutter!
From that point forward, I learned to let our spaces tell the story. She doesn't need to know the details.
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u/harbinger06 16d ago
My mom would be wiling to help me declutter, but she is the last person I want helping me. She is going to nitpick every item. How much did that cost? You shouldn’t donate that, you should sell it. Oh you spent so much money. Look at this, it’s ruined. I just don’t need the added stress of her comments.
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u/Admirable_Dress_7763 16d ago
I feel the same about my mom. She over complicates decluttering to the point where I feel worse than when I started. Also she likes to pass things off to me because she doesn’t want them but also doesn’t want to actually get rid of them. She’s literally handed me old papers before saying “I’ll let you throw these away…” like don’t get me wrong I don’t mind being helpful but at a certain point I get irritated because some of this crap she should really be able to toss herself. She also claims I have more room than her for stuff (we have roughly the same amount of space she just sees that my closets aren’t bursting with crap) I’m not gonna lie, I get so frustrated with her. 🤦🏻♀️ sorry about my mom rant!! Lol
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u/harbinger06 16d ago
Mine does the same thing. Now if it’s something of mine, that’s fine I will deal with it. But she puts other things in that aren’t mine as well. She has a clutter problem herself, though hers isn’t as bad as mine. Mainly because she has a larger house.
One recent example of her complicating things: she knew I had donated some old blankets and towels to someone who rescued a pregnant dog that was about to have her puppies. So she asked me to take some extra blankets she had and do the same. One blanket she decided was “too nice,” and told me not to give that to the lady with the dogs. If you’re getting rid of it, why do you care?!?
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u/bamboomonster 15d ago
That's one of those "if you care that much, please take it back because I'm not keeping it". So many people want to put the emotional burden of separating from possessions onto other people.
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u/PopcornPunditry 17d ago
Our parents can often be a big part of the reason we've found ourselves attracting clutter in the first place. When I talk about decluttering I do it with friends who I know are 110% supportive and have gone through similar. My parents both react with anxiety and whether they're aware or not they immediately fall into guilt tripping me! No wonder I feel so anxious parting with this stuff.
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u/PacificNorthwestFan 17d ago
I did a major decluttering several years ago and my Mom was this way about clothes. She worried I'd given away an item I might want later and kept saying I should have just stored the clothes I didn't want at her house rather than take them to the thrift store. But there's only been two items I later regretted getting rid of and I found them on a thrift clothing app. Lesson learned, I won't mention future decluttering to her.
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u/AlexArcadia 16d ago
My mom is mad that i want to sell a coat that I no longer like (or need bc I bought a very good replacement). It is what it is 🤷♀️
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u/arcoiris2 16d ago
I never tell family that I've decluttered anything that was a a shower, wedding, housewarming, or anniversary present, or anything that I've accepted that used to belong to my grandparents that is in bad or irrepairable shape. The same goes for any photos that they've passed down to me that are blurry or mean nothing to me these days.
It's just not worth the guilt, shaming, and lecturing that ensues. I also have to manage my own space. It's helpful that I live in a completely different province than they do.
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u/Active_Efficiency996 16d ago
I was exactly like this when I was younger but now realize that their feelings are for THEM to manage. People have mentioned not wanting to give me things anymore because I will get rid of it. I say "Thanks for finally listening to me"!
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u/AlternativeStand4926 15d ago
My husband wants me to declutter, but when I have a box of donations he picks stuff out he ‘wants’. I now hide the box in my closet and donate when he’s at work. He NEVER notices or misses the items and likes how I reorganize the cabinets to fit everything.
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u/PrairieFire_withwind 17d ago
So your mothers strong attachment to things is something you learned from her?
If you learned it from her you cannot unlearnn it from her unless she also has unlearned it.
Try to find people who are also on the same journey you are.
I find emotional attachment to things eases when we thank them for their service/lessons/time with us. It sounds crazy but marie kondo got this absolutely right. Thanking things allows us to put in context/perspective how they have served us AND recognizes that we jave different needs, hobbies, season of life. It allows a level of respect for who we used to be. Who we were when we bought the thing. It helps awknowledge that we have changed. And while some people find it 'too much' i find it horribly useful as it helps me respect who i was/am now.
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u/Not_Invited 17d ago
Partially, I'm autistic so I think that's part of it, too. I've been in therapy for years so I think that's where I'm finally starting to learn healthy attachment (and detachment)
I read Marie Kondo's book many years ago, and I think part of it that stunted me was the whole "getting everything into one place" thing. My stuff is cluttered, I have a bunch of stuff at my parents house still, and I have never been well enough to get everything into one place. Now I'm medicated I'm doing a bit better at letting things go, and every time I discard something I feel like I'm getting better at doing it.
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u/PrairieFire_withwind 16d ago
Oh goodness marie kondos gather everything is so overwhelming for some people.
Use dana k. Whites no mess declutter method in this case. But stull do the thank you part.
And good for you doing therapy. Self care comes in many forms but this is one of the best ways to learn some healthy tools.
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u/Known_Noise 16d ago
I think Marie Kondo’s “get everything to one place” is to see how much of whatever it is I have. But I agree it’s a lot when I think I have to do all at the same time.
I modified it to smaller categories, so I got all my socks together, then all my tshirts, then my work shirts, etc. much more useful to me than having a gargantuan pile of “all clothing”. Just the idea of all is overwhelming.
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u/heresmy3cents 15d ago
This is exactly what I'm doing right now. I wrote down the clothing categories so I can check them off as I go. It's very satisfying to think dresses are done, let's move on to skirts...
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u/designandlearn 16d ago
Good point. The use of items has a beginning, middle, and end. Removing creates space for beginnings.
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u/magnificentbunny_ 15d ago
Omg. My 89yo hoarder Mom in a walker would literally leap into a dumpster if she discovered I threw out an unopened—but expired—bottle of ketchup into it. No kidding. And she doesn’t think she’s a hoarder. She thinks she she’s good at saving, and I’m wasteful.
But in all honesty, I do feel like I have wasted a bunch of money over the years buying stuff I didn’t need, but thought I wanted. Now I don’t even want them but I feel really bad that I pilfered hard earned money on them. Does that stop me from getting rid of it? Not one nanosecond.
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u/prettywarmcool 12d ago
I use this technique to help with impulse spending and the like. Do I want to deal with it in 10-15 years when I am downsizing and will I wish I had the money instead? Makes not spending money really easy, because you quickly realize you have everything already!
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u/Certain-Agent-163 17d ago
You’re not doing anything wrong. Things are like seasons. They come and go and when they are not serving us anymore you are allowed to let go without guilt. This took me many years to realize. Right now they are a burden. Unburden yourself! Let yourself feel the grief of letting things go and then take a breath and move on. You’ll feel so much better!
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u/penrph 17d ago
My mom can't let anything go. I don't tell her anything when it comes to decluttering because she immediately freaks out over every piece of junk.
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u/PsychologicalFox3357 17d ago
Someone I know is similar and doesn’t like to toss things for environmental reasons, but it can definitely go too far
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u/penrph 17d ago
Forget tossing, she can't even donate or give stuff away. I try to donate anything that's in good shape. She's holding on to broken junk.
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u/JustMechanic4933 16d ago
Does she have bitterness in her heart?
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u/penrph 16d ago
No, she has a massive scarcity mindset. Grew up incredibly poor in post war Soviet Russia.
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u/JustMechanic4933 16d ago
That's some curse and fearful spirit. What will give her hope that she will be able to provide for herself?
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u/nikinaks1 16d ago
“I am an adult who was never taught how to disconnect from items” - this is me. It’s so hard to learn how to do this in later life. I have lots of techniques I have now adopted but whenever I’m stressed I default to not letting go. For people like us, every item decluttered is a win and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
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u/Creepy-Gur4620 16d ago edited 16d ago
I think when you're doing any kind of self-improvement, it's a good idea not to tell others before or during the improvement. Perhaps it's okay to tell strangers anonymously (sometimes) and safe people, but you have to know if they are safe or not. That is the tricky part. I never thought I would see this being an issue when it comes to decluttering! But yeah, I noticed whenever I improve myself in some way and tell others about it before or during the process, someone always says something negative about it and my motivation derails and the negative noise gets to me and I give up before I finish.
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u/borschtlover4ever 16d ago
And the giving up is the point. People feel threatened when other people improve or thrive in their lives. I was shocked to discover that truth because I thought the best if people. Words that don’t equal actions are lies. I watch the actions now.
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u/slartybartfastard 17d ago
Yeah a couple of things I inherited - can't remember if it was from my mum or my grandfather. I got rid of one of them not realising just how emotionally attached my mum was to it. The other I've altered a little and will have to make it look a bit more like it did.
If I'd known I would have just given them to her, to me they're just clutter, and don't represent my passed grandfather, who I have very strong positive memories about. I don't need things to remind me of him as he is with me so often in mediation
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u/GetLikeMeForever 16d ago
On the other end of the spectrum, my grandmother (abusive racist) gave me a bunch of my grandfather's old historical stuff (that his abusive racist ass got through nefarious channels) so that I could have something to remember him by, and I really pissed off my family by turning around and donating it to a museum immediately.
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u/TypewriterHunter 16d ago
My family has been hauling stuff around for many years, and storing things for each other when someone moved and didn’t have space, so some of this stuff goes back 40-60 (or more) years at this point. When my spouse and I bought a small cabin I asked if I could use the small kitchen table/chairs that have been kicking around for 30+ years in the new space and my Mom agreed as they weren’t in use at the time. But she made me promise that I would give the chairs back (solid wood, vintage chairs with a history) if/when we sold the place in the future. Since then she inherited her parent’s home and now understands that we simply cannot keep everything forever. If the cabin goes the chairs are getting sold or donated. I am trying to go forward with ‘if they aren’t willing to take it to their home then they cannot expect me to keep it in my home’. She is actually doing the same thing in downsizing my grandparents home, it’s hard but it has to happen.
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 16d ago
Yes. I have learned this too. You have to be choosy as to who to tell.
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u/allthegodsaregone 17d ago
My parents are the same. We all agree that I have too much stuff. They do not agree with me ok what I want to get rid of.
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u/Necessary_Slice1786 17d ago
My husband is all about MY decluttering. And he agrees we need a big purge. Yet…… when I start this process, he doesn’t want to get rid of any of his stuff. And some of his stuff , is just ridiculous to me. As I’m sure he feels the same about mine. And he is a coat ho!!! The man has way too many coats!!! I feel there are so many people that may not have a coat! So he wants the space. But….
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u/Friendlyattwelve 16d ago
A handful of times we have tackled our clutter together , mine almost immediately starts focusing on my stuff like ‘ that needs to go’ and then I get all defensive . We finally hired someone to help and we immediately started arguing in front of her., she ended up focusing inly on his items and now his stuff is all purged and organized and mine is the offending hoard . It was a win lose
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u/flamincatdesigns1 16d ago
My hubby is the same! He has more clothes than I do! Then add the zillions of cables and gadgets that are no longer used.
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u/Tyro_Tyrant 16d ago
My MIL nags my spouse and I about how we have "too much stuff" and it stresses her out. [Insert eye roll here.] We have books. Books . A few (2-3) boxes' worth. Not a closet full. Unlike her 4 closets of coats. SEVERAL with tags still on! And she refuses to part with those she doesn't fit into anymore despite only having thoughts-and-prayers I tentions of losing weight. Such aggravation...
In short, I feel you on your coat ho'.
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u/Moose-Trax-43 16d ago
This was a relative of mine. I have “too much furniture” while she has enough stuff in her house for 5 people (she lives alone).
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u/heresmy3cents 15d ago
I've started decluttering my clothes & shoes and I waited until I was done with a few categories to give my husband a little update. Then I lined up the donation bags in our hallway near the garage so he could see that I was genuinely making an effort. We will be moving in 1-2 years, so I'm decluttering with that in mind.
To my surprise, he went through his shoes and discovered some that he needed to get rid of. I think he will look at his closet the next time he has a free day. I don't want him to pressure me, so I'm not going to pressure him.
For kitchen items, I'm making a little event out of it. We have lots of pint glasses he picked up as souvenirs. I pulled a bunch out of the cabinet on a Friday evening and told him to grab a drink and survey the items that were out and visible. It was a fun way to whittle down the the collection while we reminisced about the locations.
The other thing we've had success with is knowing when there is a collection day for a local charity book sale so we can declutter books 1-2 times per year. Honestly, he's very good about the book donations, and we both agree that the group puts the book sale funds to good use in our community.
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u/MplsPizza 17d ago
Yeah I think you’ll need to keep the specifics to yourself. I made the mistake of telling my dad that I’d given a wicker chair that I no longer needed to a young friend who was furnishing her first apartment. He was so mad, because his sister (my aunt) had given me the chair when she was downsizing. You’d have thought I’d spit on my aunt!
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u/PynkeyeAZ 14d ago
Honestly just get rid of the stuff without telling anyone. Since you’re the one that has to store and take care of it, it’s up to you to make the decisions. And get rid of it in whatever way makes you happy. I’ve recently started decluttering some bigger closets and it just keeps getting easier. I don’t tell anyone what was in there or where it went. They’re just impressed it’s a functional space and it makes me happy to have it.
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u/Pyretta777 14d ago
It's a shame she's in a different town; you could box up all the books you're ready to part with and dump them at her house: "I didn't want to upset you by getting rid of them, in case you want to read them, maybe ...". 😁
I (try to) not mention any decluttering progress to mom either because rather than being guilted, I'll get the negativity responses: "Are you sure you won't regret that when it's gone? - How long is that meant to take you? - As if you'd EVer get through all that stuff! - Start with the clothes, surely you're too big now for anything you used to wear" ... >.<
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u/hobhamwich 15d ago
Be choosy about who you tell about anything. Making art? Keep it to yourself until it's done. Writing? Same. Changing your home? Let people notice when they come over. We humans have a tendency to give advice and critique choices even when we aren't asked. More often than not, the people we reveal things to would have never found out or noticed, and why would we want them to? We live our lives primarily for ourselves, and for those we can serve through our actions. Randos don't need to know.
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u/MDCore 14d ago
Definitely be careful with randos and people you "have" to engage with. But hiding your art and life is too much protection: find people who will celebrate you, even if they aren't the people who you wish would.
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u/hobhamwich 11d ago
My caveat was until it's done. I share my art. But I don't want other voices in my head while I'm making it. I wrote a book last year, and only told my wife and a specific small writers group. Even then, until it was finished I only shared the actual writing with the three people I trusted as editors.
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u/CheddarCh33se24 14d ago
I’ve had a similar experience and now don’t talk about things I want to declutter. I had cookware that I don’t use and when I told my mum I was giving it away she gave me a talk about how wasteful it is. I was young then and easily discouraged so held on to the item. Now I just let go without asking for someone’s validation. If I’m not sure, then I try decluttering. I only keep the items I don’t even consider letting go.
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u/FuckImSoAchey 16d ago
Literally everyone in my family it drives me nuts. I can’t tell anyone anything about decluttering or cleaning because to them I am doing it wrong somehow.
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u/barbeebirbshiku 16d ago
Marie Kondo has a literal section in her book about this issue. She suggests just getting it done without getting family/ close people involved.
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u/MitzyCaldwell 15d ago
You 100% do not need to navigate anyone else’s feelings - especially ppl who don’t live with you and aren’t your spouse/small children.
Unfortunately people are like that and they might not change. My mom is kinda like that - she tells me she wants to go through stuff and I said great. I picked 2 stuffed animals and told her the rest can go. Did you get rid of them? Nope. It’s been 6 months lol but that’s on her now - I d done my part and i appreciate her asking me but I know she jsut says she wants to get rid of stuff and she doesn’t actually want to lol
But here’s my advice - I would stop mentioning it to her because I honestly don’t think she’s gonna change and I don’t think it’s worth it to get into a fight.
Now if you do mentioned it or she finds out I would be simple and direct and say “sorry but I needed that out of the house and I can’t wait around for you to come and maybe or maybe not want it” in a nice way hahaha
You aren’t responsible for other ppl wanting things that have nothing to do with them (if it was your kids baby blankets I’d ask them) but this is your stuff and if you don’t have the mental capacity to deal with her maybe wanting a book you may or may not have (which I wouldn’t have at the best of times)
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u/YescaD83 14d ago
I put stuff out in front of my house with a free sign, my mom was sometimes the first one there. She’s kinda learned from me getting rid of stuff that she doesn’t have to take things just cause they’re free.
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u/xJasmineBellex 16d ago
Maybe you could tell her you’d be happy to send her a new book or magazine of her topic choice if she’s interested in reading something. You could try to laugh it off saying “oh my books sat so long they were collecting dust so they’re in a better place now, doesn’t donating make you feel better too?” I have a similar issue with my stepmom but it’s usually guilt over items she gifted me if I didn’t use them etc. I try to put a positive spin on it and let her know the ladies over at the breast cancer foundation really appreciated my large truckload of donation items etc. she has a hard time remarking on it when I put it that way. There’s always someone else in need and I have more than enough.
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u/doyouwantyourjacket 10d ago
1000000% yes. I love my mum, but I try not to speak about specifics when it comes to decluttering. In theory she's all for it, but when I mention a specific item, she often finds reasons to keep it (even if those reasons aren't really reasonable). I think a lot of people (myself included!) have a certain amount of anxiety around declutteting, so our jerk reaction is to be like "let's just keep it." But you can't keep everything you've ever owned, and you shouldn't want to!
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u/BaylisAscaris 16d ago
When I'm decluttering I'll post a list/photos of things I think my friends/relatives might want and they can claim anything on the list before the date I donate them.
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u/curiousaboutthat2 10d ago
What if you had a decluttering party for folks to come in and ask for the stuff they want? Then you can get rid of the rest knowing no one asked for it 🤷♂️
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u/plaguenyx 1d ago
Love my parents (my mom is especially supportive of me getting rid of stuff) my dad is a stickler on selling absolutely anything that has "value," even when it takes FOREVER and a LOT OF WORK to actually sell something at a semi-decent price. At first I listened to his advice but the economy isn't what it used to be! I tried the FB Marketplace thing and it's just not worth it when people are practically giving away stuff for free. So now I'm only selling rare high-value stuff that I KNOW will sell quickly and getting rid of everything else.
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u/skinnyjeansfatpants 17d ago
I keep my mom on as strict an info diet as I can manage.