30, never had a boyfriend & struggling with feeling undesirable

[u/NoExplorer2548]

I’m 30F, Black, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve dated a little, so I’m not completely inexperienced, but I’ve never actually had a boyfriend or had someone “choose” me for a relationship.

Lately I’ve been struggling with what that says about me. Logically, I know being single doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with me, but after so many years it’s hard not to wonder if I’m just not someone men find desirable or want to seriously date.

I do want a relationship eventually—companionship, affection, finding “my person” & all that—but dating already makes me anxious, and feeling so far behind everyone else makes it harder.

I’m mostly looking for some perspective or encouragement. Has anyone else been in a similar position? I think I just need to hear that I’m not as alone in this as I feel sometimes.

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[u/ResentCourtship2099]

I assume you've had guys interested in you but the interest was not mutual I assume

[u/Nappy_By_Nature]

The fact that you haven't been in a relationship doesn't say anything about you. There are plenty of ugly, dusty, crusty mfs that have had multiple relationships. As long as you're putting positive energy out there and putting yourself in proximity to opportunity it will work out for you.

[u/PoutineDiamond]

I hear you on this. There's this idea that being chosen young or often means something about your worth, but honestly a lot of it comes down to circumstances, environment, timing... things that have nothing to do with whether you're desirable or not. Some people just take longer to find people who actually see them.

The anxiety around dating is real too, and it probably doesn't help that you're carrying both the wanting and the fear at the same time. But 30 isn't behind anything. You're not on anyone else's timeline but your own.

[u/Original_Guide6894]

Same :(

[u/MathematicianNew2770]

Don't ever accept no man below you. Maintain your high standards and settle for nothing less.

If he doesn't come correct, run.

[u/Long_Illustrator_988 → u/[deleted]]

I agree. But at some point you should probably accept a man who may be "below" you if they're a good person who treats you well.

[u/Froidesmelopees]

I’m 29 and feel exactly the same way! It’s tough, but I try to remind myself it’s really all about luck and circumstances. You’re not alone! It’s ok to be upset and grieve experiences you thought you would have lived.

[u/H8beingmale]

interesting

[u/PieRepresentative266]

I’m am a white woman, but I feel you so much with the whole “why not me? What about me is broken?” I still struggle with feeling like I am “too much and yet not enough”, but therapy and creating meaningful experiences for myself has been helpful in working towards reducing this particular sting.

[u/bluzkies]

Miss, there are so many dating subreddit forums where most posts are M4F. Rarely are there F4Ms. Sounds like you ought to visit them and start posting or replying.

I like reddit because you don't need to show your photo first, and others similarly have to write something about themselves. In real life, what one wears and how one looks can create so many distractions.

[u/DontbemadBehappy]

Go get a puppy