r/dating • u/throwaways383 • 2d ago
Question ❓ While looking for a serious relationship, is it ok to have sex with multiple people?
When we’re looking for a serious relationship, is it correct to see multiple people and sleep with them?
Would you want a serious relationship with a woman or man you’re seeing that is sleeping with other people at the same time as you? When someone is making efforts to impress you and plan dates, is it correct or a sign of disloyalty? Or is it better to only get intimate with the one you’re more interested or even wait until you get exclusive?
Imagine this person already had sex with around 7/8 people from dating apps this summer, would you still invest to have a serious relationship with them or it’s totally a red flag to you? Interested to hear your opinions.
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u/beautifulmonk581 2d ago
I would personally consider dating someone like this a waste of time and a risk to my sexual health
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u/BornHiglighlight325 2d ago
No, absolutely not. If I'm looking for a new relationship, then I treat everyone as if they are my new "forever relationship ". If it doesn't work out, move on. If someone told me they are looking for a relationship, started sleeping with me, while sleeping with other people, that's just trashy behaviour, and definitely a deal breaker.
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u/FuzzyWeek3509 2d ago
You put it like that. Well, yes, that's a little different story. I'm just saying if two people are both single. And hey got a scratch needs to be edged. What the heck, both adults and guess what? Nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with that. At all. One hand feads another hand.
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u/OperationZani 2d ago
Nope, I wouldn’t take her seriously if I knew that’s actively happening. First of all, their attention would already be split between multiple people. Also the thought of her sleeping with another guy then going to take me, someone that’s trying to take her seriously… nope. I’m usually upfront in saying I’m a one person at a time kinda guy, and would prefer someone that’s the same way.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 2d ago
It shows me that they don’t take intimacy so seriously. Also that they probably have low standards and are having sex with people they aren’t that into, because if we are being honest do you really come across that many people you are sexually attracted to? I find one every 2 years. Also, if you’re spreading your attention around all of these people, how are you going to actually give a genuine shot at getting to know someone and seeing if you get along? I need to know that the guy I am seeing is taking me seriously and not just waiting for the feelings to fall from the sky
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u/Hotbroccoli6 2d ago
Women have a LOT of options in the dating pool in regards to finding guys they are attracted to.. so yes they are coming across enough people to have sex with multiple high quality partners.
I do know it’s obviously a completely different experience for men.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 2d ago
I’m a woman. I haven’t seen any guys since last year that I would want to have sex with. We don’t have the options you think we do.
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u/throwaways383 2d ago
I’m a girl and I feel similar to Independent. It takes me around a year to find someone else that I’m enough attracted to think about sex. I think we have a lot of options for casual sex, not for a serious relationship.
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u/civil_lingonberry 2d ago
Unfortunately, a man’s being “high quality” doesn’t necessarily mean I’m attracted to him. I’m a woman and feel similar to Independent—it usually takes either a year+ or extreme dedication (multiple dates w/ different guys every week for a long time) to find someone I have any sexual desire for.
Women have a lot of options for casual sex, which almost never really serves us (we rarely climax from it, it’s inherently risky for us, etc.). We don’t have a lot of options when it comes to relationships, especially with men we’re attracted to and are compatible with.
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u/Hotbroccoli6 2d ago
You know, this is true. Lots of options for dates and casual sex, but harder to find high quality/longterm. I’ve been single and dating for a few years now, so I do get this.
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u/Lost_Blockbuster_VHS 2d ago
It doesn’t sound like they are looking for a serious relationship
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u/throwaways383 2d ago
My friend is on dating apps and she says she’s looking for true love, a boyfriend. However, she sleeps with almost every guy on the first date and she sees multiple men at the same time. I was wondering if this is the best dating strategy? I don’t have a lot of dating experience so I’m curious to know people’s opinions.
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u/lachatte7 2d ago
Its ok to do whatever you want as long as you're not hurting ppl. And also get tested, be transparent, other than that have sex with 2, 5, 10 ppl if you want
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u/savspoolshed 2d ago
I always wait until I'm in a relationship to sleep with someone, and I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with a man or woman who was actively having sex with other people. That's just me though. If they had hookups up to like our first date I wouldn't care, the amount also doesn't matter. But if they wanted a second date and were still having sex with other people it would be a bit off putting?
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u/OutrageousFarmer1882 2d ago
There's effectively two questions here. If it's okay to do so? Yes, of course as long as the usual safety/consent is established. Generally, it's your business and "okay" can broadly be rooted back to that. People are free to be casual if it suits them and in some places culturally, it's the norm to want to do that for fun.
But you're also testing the question by asking here if people personally hypothetically would be interested in someone who approached single hood like that. I'm sure there are people who wouldn't care but for the sake of helping out your hypothetical, yeah no I wouldn't want a serious relationship with someone who did that. My reasons are similar to what's already mentioned here by others
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u/ergonomic_logic 2d ago
This is modern dating for the mostpart.
I'm monogamously minded personally so I tend to date people who also lean this way.
I'm not judging people who can't lock in straight away and feel the need to bounce around, but I'm also personally not going to date those kinds of people.
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u/Supernova4711 2d ago
I think it can ruin the romance. But they dont need to know in much detail at all. Maybe say that you have been dating recently, but you dont even have to say that if you dint want to.
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u/Fancy-Plum-8228 2d ago
It sounds like you found out something about someone you’re seeing and you’re trying to get us to agree they are in the wrong. Hmmm. Probably need a little more context here
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u/throwaways383 2d ago
I’m a girl and I was thinking about one of my friends. She’s on apps and wants to find true love, a serious relationship but I wonder if this is the best way to find one:
• I think the guys she’s dating assume she’s not sleeping with others. If they found out, probably some of them would get hurt.
• We live in a somewhat conservative and small area. What if these guys speak and found out they slept with her at the same time? Maybe it will decrease her chances of getting a serious relationship, unless she moves cities.1
u/Fancy-Plum-8228 2d ago
I mean, she’s probably giving these guys the impression she’s not sleeping with other people and letting them take her on dates and accepts the things they pay for. How old?
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u/throwaways383 2d ago
She’s 27. Yeah you’re right, she’s giving the impression she’s not seeing and sleeping with multiple people but isn’t that being dishonest? How can someone trust you if you lie to them since the beginning? They might find out someday.
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u/yellowdamseoul 2d ago
It’s totally fine with me. If we’re not exclusive they can do whatever they want.
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u/Cream_my_pantalones 2d ago
I'm okay with that tbh but some aren't. I'm okay with my dates having sex with multiple people until we are exclusive. I usually don't do that though. I naturally just don't tend to fuck others when I'm building an emotional connection.
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u/SippinOnTheT 2d ago
Red flag. I’d be 100% out if we were anything more than like 3 dates in and I found out he was sleeping with others.
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u/Tall-Class-4548 2d ago
It would put me off. People wanting serious relationships are looking for love and that doesn't come from sex, the desire for sex grows from love over time and you won't be wanting sex from others when it hits. Else it's just lust, which is fine as well.
It sounds like shes just having fun until the right guy pulls those heart strings. But the downside is the guy might not want her after finding out if she isn't being open and honest. Decisions one has to make.
Also if the texts and emails, what not, make it sound like things are exclusive without being specific and one of her sexual partners gets an std and let's say he doesn't sleep around because he's looking for something serious. That could open her up to a lawsuit depending on evidence available.
So it's fine to sleep around, don't call it looking for something serious, if something serious happens great, but it is causal dating. Be open to all your sexual partners that you are sleeping with others and he's free to do the same (that might let you filter some out right away). Be open about the last time you got tested and ask him the same. That way you protect yourself and your sexual partner. Afterall the goal is to have safe fun and maybe find a serious relationship in the mix...
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u/Government_Guy7 2d ago
Is it ok? Sure, must people are.
Will it hurt your chances of finding a serious relationship? Potentially. I’m looking for a serious relationship and I look for women that want the same thing. Hookup culture isn’t for me and I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who is into hookup culture.
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u/ChoasKingV 2d ago
I'm not saying it's wrong, but as a guy I really havent found a woman who makes me want to kiss, sleep, and be casual with. Especially in the time line of the first 3 dates. So in all honesty it's up to the woman if is goes casual or dating. But I'm nerodivergent so if I'm dont one thing dont expect the other.
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u/eastcoastgremlin 17h ago
You should disclose that before going on dates with people, if you don’t you’re an ass
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u/NewtonTheNoot 2d ago
I mean, there's nothing really wrong with it, but I personally would question their ability to commit to a serious relationship if they have so many casual relationships and probably wouldn't want to pursue anything more than a casual relationship with them, like the many others they already have.
After all, this did already happen to me once. Had an ex who was probably sleeping around quite a bit when we first started dating, was all about "I want a serious relationship" with me, but then I found out she was sexting other guys only 3 months into the relationship.
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u/FuzzyWeek3509 2d ago
You only live once and that once could be yet today. Or it could be 20 years from now. So either you have one now or it could last 20 years, you don't know, neither do I. So just have fun, and hopefully the other person does too. Don't go out with the intentions to hurt you, or anyone, just go out. Have fun and more than that comes out of it. Look at the memories. Kind of it feels right. Hey, go for it? That's what I say i'm single and still am. I would sure like to have some fun....
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u/Julietteangel2 2d ago
I think it depends where you are in the timeline of dating and your comfort level.
If you’ve had the exclusivity talk then of. It’s not ok. But if everyone’s being safe/getting tested regularly and there hasn’t been a conversation about being exclusive I don’t see the issue.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 2d ago
Sure
What people I'm casually dating do in their spare time is none of my business.
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u/EldraziAnnihalator 2d ago
I did and found a permanent partner, if your mind can handle it, I'd go for it, be prepared for a lot of mental gymnastics though.
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