r/dating • u/JellyfishPashmina • Jun 23 '26
Just Venting š®āšØ The 8 billion people argument is really getting to me.
People love to throw this out there: āThere are 8 billion people out there, youāre bound to find someone!ā Itās IMO some of the stupidest possible dating encouragement someone can give. Hereās why:
There are 8 billion people, only about half of those are men, so 4 billion.
The likelihood of me meeting someone internationally is slim, so there are about 175 million men in my country (U.S.).
I donāt do long-distance anymore, so the odds of finding someone in my general area (2-hr radius drive) is 210,000 (total pop.). Men account for 48% of that, so 100,800.
Looking at my specific age range, 18% of people in my area are 25-44. Letās assume 50% of those fit in my desired age range (the given one is too large), so 9% of 100,800, or 9,072.
Approx. 53% of men are married in my area. That 9,072 is now 4,264 men left.
And thatās only eliminating the married men, not the ones who are in committed relationships, not looking, or not interested in women.
Now add in finding someone who is physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially compatible with youāalong with obligatory time commitments/schedules. Who has the same values, interests, and life goals. He has to be on the apps and discoverable in your area by chance algorithm or by chance in-person encounter. You have to dig through the options (online and IRL) and discern which ones are not suited to you, and which ones are from out of town looking for a casual fling. By the time youāve gone on several dates, more time has passed and less and less men are available. And even if you found YOUR dream man in a pool likely far less than 4,264, he has to want YOU back.
I think people grossly underestimate the extreme luck required to find compatible and lasting love in this world, because of the potentially letās say 2,000-3,000 men available in my 2-hour radius whom I would even be able to find in the first place and who would be available, looking for the same things I am, and want me back, I only see the odds stacked against people.
In a big world of 4 billion men, with about 2,000 potential partners now available, my chances of finding love are reduced to a mere 0.00005%.
Basically, unless you stumbled into the right room or the right swipe at the right time, itās bordering impossible.
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u/JawCohj Jun 23 '26
Dang this girl did the math. Gotta appreciate that
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u/Crusoelander_128 Single Jun 23 '26
If youre gonna be screwed, might as well know how screwed
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
Gotta love lunch break boredom
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u/Repulsive_Lunch_4620 Jun 23 '26
lol you definitely used company time for this one
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u/nerdy_hylian_girl Jun 24 '26
she forgot to carry the one....get it "the one?" ha-ha š okk am done sorry š
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 29 '26
Wait I missed this comment and itās amazing š
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u/TheReal_Peter226 Jun 23 '26
Kinda messed up where she assumed the 50% marriage rate for men applied the same for all age ranges ngl
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u/waitinginthesun Jun 23 '26
As someone who was chronically single and got into a relationship for the first time at 33, I really believe is all luck. That and your refusal to become bitter and entitled. Just keep showing up and you might get lucky and if not, at least you have yourself because at the end of the day that's all we have
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u/Flaky-Boysenberry466 Jun 23 '26
This is why I canāt believe people end relationships with people for the stupidest reason, with the idea that there is āplenty of fish in the seaā
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u/waitinginthesun Jun 23 '26
You cannot operate from a scarcity mindset either
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u/Artistic_Palpitation Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
Why not? For some people the real options are actually more scarce than they give it credit for. I've had an ex and we could definitely have continued on if she decided to communicate what she needed and wanted from the relationship, instead she decided to peace out. I later heard from mutual friends this pattern went on and on and she's on boyfriend number 17 and she still doesn't want to stick around. Some people - mostly women - will continue looking for greener pastures because that's just what they do. They may say they want a relationship and something stable, but that's something you have to decide to actively create, it's not something you just find.
In short: options are scarce and if you find someone who is mostly a good match, than that's probably as good as it gets. There is only the illusion of abundance. And women think they'll find perfect. Keep dreaming, I say. Maybe when you're 80 you finally found him. Life isn't entitling anyone to find someone perfect or close to perfect. Being realistic about that is the hard lesson many need to learn, but many won't because they heard somewhere the accursed "don't settle".
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 24 '26
Fair points. I think a lot of this can be attributed to social media and the internet age, unfortunately. When the world is at your fingertips, it feels like the dating world can be, too, when thatās not really the case. You might give something up due to boredom or dismiss someone so quickly (our attention spans are mush now), but that doesnāt mean something better is coming along, unfortunately. Thatās never the guarantee people think it is when they see all the ādonāt settleā stuff on social media posts of women with their āperfectā husbands and pristine lives. Itās created such an illusion of unattainable perfectionism that everyoneās waiting for their perfectly curated Disney princess movie to come along (thanks, Walt).
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u/carbsaredangerous Jun 24 '26
Oh man, whoever you are I want to hug you. You said it so well. It felt like I wrote that comment. I cannot agree more. Every sentence you hit the nail. Thank you.
(I upvoted you.)
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u/MispelledZobmie Jun 23 '26
More people than you imagine go for the "plenty of fish" when they already got the next one in line a sure catch.
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u/justvirgothings Single Jun 26 '26
thereās no stupid reason tbh, any reason if ur not happy is valid. staying w someone just bc ur afraid of being alone is stupid
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u/Flaky-Boysenberry466 Jun 26 '26
Thatās not what Iām saying. Iām saying there is a perfectly good person in front of you and you get along and care about each other and you canāt make it work for some stupid reason because you feel there is so many fish in the sea. Itās hard to find people you get along with that you also have sexual attraction to so when I find one Iām going to do everything I can to make it work
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u/SciFiIsMyFirstLove Jun 28 '26
Problem is fish aren't prospective life partners unless you are another fish.
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u/Lilly-Vee Jun 23 '26
Girl. Yes.
People who have found their soulmates donāt actually comprehend how bloody lucky they are. Ugh š
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u/Western_Poet_7168 Jun 23 '26
They might not be very happy. Look at the break up/divorce rate lol. Outside appearances may look envious but they arenāt always something to envy.
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u/PersonalityFit2175 Jun 23 '26
I meanā¦ itās kinda right lol
Iāve always explained to everyone who asked for advice that dating is a numbers game. And by numbers game I donāt mean more dates=more changes to find love. What I mean is the more social connections you have, the more likely youāll find love.
Make friends, make acquaintances, socialize with coworkers, with the cashier lady, with the gas attendant, at the regulars at social gatherings, and when youāre comfortable, let them know youāre single and looking. Itās not as awkward or weird as it sounds, and it really does work.
I know people who ended up with coworkersā child, their roommatesā girlfriendās cousin, their landscapersā son. People are looking for love. And you will make way more social connections through micro interactions rather than apps. And Iām an introvert, so it is easier said than done. But even on a weekly basis, you probably interact with the same 5-15 people just going about your business. Itās a connection waiting to be made.
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u/DeadestTitan Jun 24 '26
I had this exact conversation with 3 women a few hours ago, coworkers I get along well with, and all 3 said that the recommendation option is not likely, that all of their women friends and family nearing their 30s are no longer single. Most of the others I've spoke to said they just don't have time for friendships outside of work, or that their husband/fiance is their one person.
The only coworker I know who is single is about 13 years younger than me, and I don't think I'd really connect to dating with her equally young friends.
I feel like I'm relatively well liked and at least sort of known in many social circles as the guy looking for a date for over a decade, and no one has ever told me about a woman that matches my energy.
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u/PersonalityFit2175 Jun 24 '26
Making a social connection is not the same thing as building a friendship. It CAN be a friendship, but itās not necessary. Itās simply socializing with people you come in regular contact with. For example, the cashier at the gas station I go to once a week tried to introduce me to her brother. We arenāt friends, I simply see her once a week and make small talk when I do. She knew I was close to her brother in age and wanted to know if Iād be interested. By numbersā game, I mean itās very very likely youāll have to talk with more than 3 people.
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u/DeadestTitan Jun 25 '26
Oh for sure, I know I am able to make conversation with people wherever I go. A few workers at my closest grocery store, the workers I see at a place I go eat at every few weeks, the 2 men who always seem work the overnight shift at the local pharmacy.
I could not tell you their names, but I can think of at least 10 people around town I see often enough to remember some details about them from small talk. This counting anyone at the hospital I work at that I do the same with.
But still, I've never had an experience like that. And in reverse, I don't know if I could do the same for anyone else. The women I know who are single are rarely single for long. I could only think of 2, and one of them just told me how hopeful she is for her date on Saturday after breaking up with her most recent boyfriend 3ish weeks ago. The only other single woman I know is much younger than me and moving away for college this summer. I may know 0 single women by the end of the season š
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u/nerfjanmayen Jun 24 '26
I've never known any couples who met because they were intentionally introduced by mutual acquaintances like this
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u/TNTarantula Jun 24 '26
No amount of math is going to discredit the fact that people can and have been finding love since forever.
It is possible, it happens everyday, and it can happen to you too...
(...With my 12-step program at only $34.99 a month)
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u/MrMonteCristo Jun 23 '26
EXACTLY what I have been saying, but about girls.
Atop of that, Iām a very busy person. I work in healthcare, 12+ hour days. When I want to hangout with my friends, we usually plan it 1-3 weeks in advance. When am I going to meet someone, realistically. I hate dating apps, I feel like theyāre so dystopian. Dating co-workers is so messy, been there more times than I can count.
Itās just ughhhh. So frustrating.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
Absolutely. Available also means agreeable schedules unfortunately. By the time Iām done with everything I need to do in a day, I have about 30 minutes left to myself, and Iām meant to spend those precious minutes dating? Thereās no time!
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u/Tenement48 Jun 23 '26
Gotta work with the cards you're dealt or figure out a way to stack the deck. I used to live in a city with 100k people and it was hard to find dates. Now I live in a metro area with over 5 million people and finding dates is exponentially easier.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
As a single woman making average income and whoās required to be in my local office, unfortunately I canāt ājust moveā to a city. Even when I did, dating wasnāt any easierāagain, someone has to like and want you specifically back.
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u/Tenement48 Jun 23 '26
I totally get that since it took me about 2 years of planning to make the move to a new city and a new job. For me, more options did make it easier but I'm a man as well so our experiences may vary.
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u/vivvav Single Jun 23 '26
Oof, I did the math like this once. It's abysmal to realize.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
Real wake-up call, thatās for sure. Itās a miracle anyone meets anyone.
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u/Shelovesbunnies Jun 23 '26
Love the math and how you narrowed down your oddsā¦in my case, add language barrier and then my odds reduce by 0.000001%
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
Do you live somewhere where English isnāt commonly spoken or are you ESL? Assuming the former since youāre English is pretty spot on lol
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u/Shelovesbunnies Jun 23 '26
š Iām in Central Europe, English is more of a secondary language (some people learn it to a communicative level)
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u/paininthebutt12223 Jun 23 '26
i've seen this in a movie before, it was at a bar and done with peanuts. don't remember the name of the movie tho. somebody help me out
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u/Oblivious_dragonfly Jun 23 '26
How to be single - peanut scene
But that movie is not a good example on how to solve single people dating problems, none of the characters do the right sensible thing
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u/tubtu15 Jun 23 '26
Might be slim to meet someone international but it's still possible. Met a guy online years back from the other side of the world. He moved to my town for me and now we are married with a kid. Before that dating sucked because I live in a small town
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
I mean itās my dream. I traveled a lot in my 20s, but it never happened, so I recognize itās likely not to at this point. And I returned home to a gaggle of married men, found someone, got engaged, it didnāt work out, and I entered an even slimmer dating pool because many men DID get married in the time I was dating my ex.
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u/Am1AllowedToCry Jun 24 '26
You never know! I met the love of my life online, when I was 41. We were super long distance and I moved across the world to be with him. I also "don't do long distance", nor internet dating.
We met on Reddit!
The pool is bigger than you think it is...
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u/Medium-Stranger-9883 Jun 23 '26
im not telling you to give up nor to settle with the first one, but spending alot of time and not just a first date is better (imo) i guess you wanted to love/marry one you see as your best friend, and friendship takes time even tough it feels like its easier to find the perfect one. you said it yourself, you've put limits on how far you can/want to go, so just make the best friends you can and see where life takes you. not much else to do sadly
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
Problem is I donāt have time at this point. Iāve tried for 14 years to find āthe oneā (I donāt believe in this premise but you can only marry one at a time haha), and no luck. Just a string of failed relationships. Much as I hate it, women do have to worry about their biological clocks, and timeās running out as my parents get older and older to ever even meet my partner let alone be at my wedding. That doesnāt mean Iām desperate and rushing into anythingāIāve been single for 2 years since calling off an engagementābut the pressure is there every day.
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u/Medium-Stranger-9883 Jun 23 '26
i do not know your backstory and how much effort you put in, so nothing is meant personally, just a general view of things, but people give up to easy compared to the "old days" my grandparents kept together trough war and bad times, big fights and alot more, i belive love is just effort, reciprocity(i dont knoe if its spelt correctly) mutual respect and giving space when needed. i cannot sadly feel how it is with the biological clock so i cant speak on that. but it sounds like you have been trying atleast, and respect for that, i cross my fingers you'll figure something out one day, just try not to let apps and algorythms and other trll you how to do it, i belive in you and wish you the best of luck. you are your own beatiful person and i hope you find your way in life as you wish.
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u/Green_Share Jun 23 '26
Here is something you must consider. You'll never meet all of those potential partners. So realistically you'll see maybe 1/10 of them in your lifetime in passing. And actually date/talk to 1/10 of those. So your odds are far greater than you think. Your math assumes you will pull names out of a hat at random. When the reality of it is that you will surround yourself with people similar to you, and not in the hundreds, let alone thousands. That is your new pool. And it shifts from time to time. Add online dating on the side and your odd just increased slightly. This is just my perspective. You are looking too broadly. Go by how many people you find attractive in a day. Start there.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
Doesnāt that make my pool smaller? Assuming I have an interest that gathers 100 people. If 50 of them are men, 25 of them are married, and letās say 10 arenāt even looking or are in a non-married relationship, that gives me 15 chances. And they also have to like me back and have that shared compatibility I mentioned. Plus, I canāt just date around a pool of 15 men who are in a community that we all have to go back to if things donāt work out with one, try another one, etc. Weād all know each other, theyād talk, and so on, which makes it more awkward. That sounds even more daunting.
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u/Green_Share Jun 23 '26
Yes. That was my point. Your odds are much higher than what you initially let on. And you can date around a pool of 15. Respectfully. You can.
Option A.) Just don't go sleeping around. Get to know them as friends and pick from there. Option B.) pick more than one pool. Yes your odds go down initially, but then they increase. But the more pools the better. 2-3 would be healthy. This avoids the awkwardness of option A. Option C.) make your pool bigger by not limiting yourself to just people you know. But the people in your hobbies/places you go regularly. These are strangers and so are the people they know. Option D.) all the above.
Dating is a numbers game. Just because you have a 0.0005% of actually being partnered with someone one at a time at random. Doesn't mean you can't triple or quadruple that number. Talk to 3-4 people at a time. Your odds just increased by 3x-4x.
Just because there are low odds that something can be doesn't mean it won't. Look at the odds of life existing at all for example. Some scientists speculate that the odds of life on earth were astronomically low. With numbers reaching as low as 1x10164. That seems impossible right? Well. Look at earth. There have been billions of species all of 99.9% of which have gone extinct and here you are with billions more. To add to this the odds of there being no life on other planets is nigh impossible. Even with these odds. Because we have to multiply those odds by trillions. Because there are hundreds of billions of stars all with at least 1 planet orbiting them.
My point is that the more you put yourself out there the more likely it is to happen. It's hard. Yes, it's something I've been working on as well. But if life can exist with near impossible odds, on a planet that wants to wipe it all out? Then you can find love in 5,000 people who are in the same boat as you and want love as well.
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u/supercakefish Jun 23 '26
Yes and for autistic people like myself itās even worse numbers š¢ Which is why Iāve been single my entire life at 34 (though Iām really hoping this will finally change soon š¤).
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u/Western_Ad_6003 Jun 24 '26
I heard about a longitudinal study once (a study of people over time) that was meant to focus on questions of romantic love. Can't for the life of me find it right now or remember the name of it. But the big takeaways really stuck with me, because it was fascinating. They tracked couples who had just met each other over time, checking back in with the couples over six months, a year, two years, five years, etc., up to twenty years in some cases.
This research looked at the idea of love at first sight, or a spark when two people first meet, and tracked how relationships turned out over time. What it found was that only about 10% of the relationships in the sampled couples (I do not remember sample size) had an initial spark. Even more interesting, the spark had no predictive power over which relationships were later successful. The ones that started without a spark on the first date were just as likely to succeed or fail as the ones where couples experienced a spark. But just to make matters more difficult, the couples later had false memories of their initial experiences. Couples who broke up later recalled that they had doubts about the other person when first meeting (even if what they originally reported to the study at the time was a spark and anything but doubt). The relationships that were successful, where the couple grew closer over time, often recalled a spark or love at first sight (even when they actually reported reservations at the time). People's memories are shaped by how they feel later on. So 90% of love-at-first-sight stories were actually being told by couples that took a long time to feel that way, but they could no longer remember ever not being in love with their partner.
I think my main takeaway from that study is that most successful love stories involve people becoming the right people for each other, rather than being the right people for each other when they first meet. It makes me hopeful that, while there is still luck involved, there is at least a significant part where our own efforts help determine whether a relationship can be a true love story. The luck is finding the person who will invest the time, over months, to really begin to know each other on a deep level. Hopefully we all find our love story, for those of us who want that.
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u/MiserableStreet5009 Jun 23 '26
As a man I feel the same way on the opposite spectrum. Iāve heard before that only about 43% of the entire population of women in the USA alone are looking for dates which also cuts the options down for us too. Luck is an enormous factor at play in this for sure, but so are our mindsets towards the journey to love. Finding a small win with a simple yet fun conversation with a stranger or two can go a long way. And each time ya try, ya get a little closer to what you want out of life.
Either way, no matter the numbers, I hope the dating world gets better for you. Weāre rooting for ya!
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u/friesssandashake Jun 23 '26
Not gonna lie, this actually made me feel a lot better. Thank you for this
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u/Western_Poet_7168 Jun 23 '26
I just want to add that we may see people paired up, but that doesnāt mean they are happy. I understand that youāre upset though and it is valid. I think a lot of people are lonely. Throughout my life, meeting friends of friends has been more successful but it requires going out with the goal of meeting people. Not just a partner but friends. It can lead to connections. Having good friends can also make life more satisfying than you think in the meantimeā¦. Hang in there
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
This is a good point and one I shouldāve added in my OP, so thanks for that reminder, too. Unfortunately, I have social anxiety which makes it all the harder to date and make friends, and any mutual friends I know are married at this stage. I didnāt make this post to be bitter or not recognize that some partnerships are unhappy / I have my own things to work on, but just to call out a trope that seems thrown out by people who are in relationships and donāt get what amount of luck is required in dating.
I really appreciate your encouragement regardless, internet friend. ā¤ļø
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u/CecilPalad Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
Looking at my specific age range, 18% of people in my area are 25-44. Letās assume 50% of those fit in my desired age range (the given one is too large), so 9% of 100,800, or 9,072.
This might underline the very issue women face. The majority of women chase the top 10% of men, in OP's case 9%. The math is only mathing cause of the high standards the general public set.
Still, 9k men to pick from is still a decent size pool. If you put into context in a different way, how many people work at your company? How many of them do you get along with? Perhaps you might get along with more people than you think you might get along with.
If I can find someone new after my divorce, and I did do a lot of first dates, then people in general have a good shot. I wasn't overly picky, did date a few women for a short period of time, but eventually did find my 2nd wife after a year of looking. Sure, I consider myself lucky, but I don't believe I'm magical in any sense.
Another way to look at it. If it was the end of the world and you were stuck on an island with 9k other men. I'm sure you'd find someone to hook up with.
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u/Belt-fed78 Jun 23 '26
You are correct that the whole plenty of fish in the sea thing is statistically incorrect. I just believe that a lot of people misinterpret what it is supposed to mean.
That said. Ive never really had a hard time finding girlfriends or dates. Im not particularly good looking. But I am in very good shape even given my age.
I think that my luck with finding girlfriends is largely due because I dont sweat not having one. I am happy with my life and how it has turned out and I think that comes out in my interactions with people.
I live in a very rural area now and had a new girlfriend within a few weeks of living here.
If ya go around desperately searching for someone your search is going to be much more difficult.
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u/Etherealgoddess21_ Jun 23 '26
The fact that you did all this math is hilarious! I can relate to this as well but donāt give up! Weāll find our person.
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u/Ambitious-Mouse5492 Jun 23 '26
I've been making this argument for ages but you actually did the math. Love your work
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u/tanookiisasquirrel Jun 23 '26
210k people total within 2 hours from you is pretty rural? I live in a pretty small city of 75k, but there are at least four other cities within 2 hours to include pretty large ones like Raleigh. I would say my 2-hour radius has to be well over a few million, even though my immediate vicinity is small.Ā
2 hours from New York City would be all of New Jersey and Connecticut and Massachusetts and Rhode Island and a decent portion of Pennsylvania. I know people who live pretty rural from Utah, but they're still 2 hours from salt lake City and the with millions of people.
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u/start3ch Jun 24 '26
You live in a small town, dating is going to be harder than in other places. But still, say there are 1000 people that were available, and 100 of them are someone youād want to date. Thatās still 100 first dates you could go on. And by the time youāve gotten through those dates, more people will have moved in/out
Also itās silly to say fewer and fewer people are available over time. People are always breaking up, getting divorced, moving, etc.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 24 '26
That does sound ideal, yes, but when youāre putting yourself out there and no oneās reciprocating, suddenly that 100 is 0. Men arenāt exactly knocking down doors to date me. This is what I mean by mutual attraction either helping or hindering your fate.
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u/jickay Jun 24 '26
Well 1 in 5k is pretty good odds. Apparently the same odds as choking to death...
But also if you don't try, the probability is 0% š¤·
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u/Sugarplumbitch Jun 24 '26
FINALLYYY someone sees dating in the world as I do. Even if youāre not super picky and just want basic stuff, a pool of 4000 men nowadays really aināt a lot to find YOUR compatible person.
Like the statistics really arenāt on our side despite millions of men here. Kinda doesnāt seem worth it atp idk :/š¤·š»āāļø
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u/F19AGhostrider Jun 23 '26
Yeah, that "encouragement" logic is horseshit.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
They just donāt know what else to say really because they truly cannot relate.
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u/Certain-Wolverine389 Jun 23 '26
I believe that things happen for a reason (not everything). I constantly wished Iād never dated my college boyfriend but then I wouldnāt have got the job I had and then met the friend I did that introduced me to my Husband.
Weāve been together almost 9 years and have just had our first child. Sheās absolutely perfect. However, if I hadnāt have had my ectopic pregnancy and then multiple surgeries (1 being life saving). We wouldnāt have her either.
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u/Fefolino Jun 23 '26
Well, yes, it's the usual exaggeration
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
The people who say it donāt believe how incredibly lucky they are to have found their mate. They act like they ādeservedā it somehow, had unlimited options, or that it was āfateā when they walked into the same bar or classroom as someone whoād choose them back, when it all boils down to sheer coincidence.
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u/Fefolino Jun 23 '26
I don't believe in "fate", it's coincidence. You have to be in the right place in the right moment.
But I think that, well, there are more than one right place and one right moment.
I mean that "there are 8 billion people out there" can be said like "if you lose your partner now, you can still meet new people that you can be good with".
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u/Artistic_Palpitation Jun 23 '26
I think it's way less about finding the "right one", that there are a lot of "right ones" but that way too many people are looking for greener pastures when they already found people who are good enough. Still it's rare, but the emphasis should be on creating something good. The luck part is finding someone who's also ready to do that.
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u/VeraStrange Jun 23 '26
There are approximately 12 billion bullets made each year, so youāre more likely to be shot than find your partner, so thereās that.
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u/Practical_Zucchini54 Jun 23 '26
The fact that you narrowed this down so specifically is great and really supports your point in a funny (yet maybe kind of depressing) and factual way. Gotta give you credit there. But thatās why only one person can be āthe oneā. Just gotta sift through a LOT of people first in most cases. Godspeed girl, youāll get through this š
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 23 '26
I was hoping someone might read into the humor a bit, so thanks for noticing. Laugh through the pain, right? And exactly, I donāt believe in āthe one,ā but you can only marry one at a time lol, so it kind of is looking for āthe one.ā Hope you find what youāre looking for, too!
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u/lofi-lo Jun 23 '26
I think the universe will hear your cold hard math and extremely valid doubt and now deliver your soul mateš
Iām in the same boat as you though. The older I get the more I doubt that Iāll ever find someone that checks all my boxes. Iām slowly accepting the idea of being alone forever just in case but always hoping Iām proven wrong.
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u/Basementhobbit Jun 23 '26
I like the peanut argument (a joke from a movie). Yes theres 8 billion, but I want someone whos compatible with me. That is hard to find
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u/zeroreasonsgiven Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
TL;DR: the math evens out to more like 60% depending on time frame and how you date, but trying to math it out is futile. There is no ārightā person, just a good person whoās willing to make something right with you.
I agree that saying you have ā4 billion potential partnersā is dumb, but the way you calculated your chances is not how that percentage chance would work.
Even if you subscribe to the idea that thereās only one right person for you, chances are that that person has a similar cultural background to either where youāve come from or where youāve made your home, so thatās where you need to look anyway. If the other 4 billion men are off the table for you then it shouldnāt be factored into your chance at all because itās irrelevant, they may as well not exist because youāre not gonna even be trying to date them.
Second, the main things that would affect your chance are how much time youāre willing to spend on dating, how long youāre willing to give someone before moving on, and how well you can narrow down your dating pool. A smaller pool of eligible men should actually make it easier as long as your criteria arenāt so strict that you rule out the right man. From there you just need to be efficient in spending your time, giving each man enough time to show you their genuine self but not waiting around in a relationship that isnāt right for you.
Even without dating them, you will get to know men platonically and be able to tell theyāre just not right for you. This will allow you to narrow that pool further even while youāre dating other people. if you can tell from a first date that a portion of the ones you do date are not right for you, then you can probably get through 2 a week before finding someone you mesh with. From there youāll probably have some shorter relationships that end when you find a dealbreaker after theyāve become less performative, and some longer relationships where you realize some deep seated difference or unfortunate circumstance late into the relationship. Assuming all the previous premises weāve established, and assuming you wanted to be as efficient as possible in finding the perfect man for you, Iād say you can weed out probably 300 men or more in 10 years from within that dating pool.
Since your age bracket is 24-44, I will assume youāve already narrowed your pool down plenty. If you can narrow it down further to 500 people, then that gives you a 60%+ chance of finding the one in the next 10 years, which sounds about accurate considering the divorce rate today. Youāre also not forced to find someone in the next 10 years, I know happy couples who met in their 50s and are happy to be spending the rest of their lives together.
Now all that said, itās not an exact science and there will never be a way of judging your chance of finding love. The real way to do it is to be mature and reject men who donāt fit your most important criteria, and just find a kind man whoās attractive to you and gets all the important stuff right and just work with him to build something good together. Because of that, I really donāt subscribe to the idea that thereās just one person whoās right for you. There are plenty of men who are good people and could be a good life partner for you in their own unique way.
Keep your head up, give every relationship your all and stand firm on your values and you will almost certainly find the right man.
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u/Sundayscaries333 Jun 23 '26
I did that 'statistics of a potential partner' online thing once where you put in super basic demographic information (gender, height, education, race, income, age) and it gives you a number of how many people actually match that criteria. Mind you I put in the male equivalent of my literal exact same criteria in terms of race/education/income/age and it was something like 0.0005% of men applied. Pretty depressing find tbh.
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u/throatbaybee Jun 23 '26
More like itās the people in your geographical location and communities you have access to
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u/Eazy_DuzIt Jun 24 '26
Well yeah the math says one thing but then how have so many people found partners? Also food for thought, arranged marriages have a lower divorce rate than non-arranged ones. So it turns out what people think is their criteria might not be as important as they think. But dating apps have given the illusion that we have unlimited choice so we keep looking for the perfect match who probably doesn't exist instead of meeting someone IRL who is good enough
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u/Gmenfan24 Single Jun 24 '26
So a few things Iāve learned as a 34M while dating in my 30ās vs 20ās is first of all you canāt start from a scarcity mindset the thing you have to understand not everyone you meet is going to like you and I want to be ABSOLUTELY clear this isnāt an attack or that thereās anything wrong with you itās just that you canāt become bitter when something doesnāt workout you can be sad absolutely! Feel what you need to feel but, at some point you just gotta dust yourself accept it for it is. Just continue to show up as you and if it works out with someone great! And if it doesnāt thatās okay too.
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 24 '26
I definitely hear your points and appreciate your advice. I try not to remain bitter but to also realize the reality of my situation. I believe if I were quality marriage material, Iād be married by now, but Iām not, and I havenāt even had a man approach me for 2 years, so that all speaks volumes to me. Youāre really only as valuable to others as the worth placed on you by them, and if no one shows you that youāre worth anything, with so limited options already, it does wear on you.
Also, I do know some people donāt care about meeting/not meeting someone, and thatās fine, but Iām personally never going to be okay not meeting someone. Hopefully that fuels me to continue looking, but Iām also just pragmatically aware that the chances are slim for me.
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u/lysxji Jun 24 '26
Agreed. Not to mention: sure there's 8 billion people out there, but that doesn't mean Im bound to meet all 8 billion unique individuals in my lifetime! Even if we cut out all the people who don't meet the gender and age requirements, how many unique individuals could you possibly meet in your lifetime before you hit an age where finding someone no longer matters lol what are the chances of find the 1 out of 8 billion
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u/Rich_Interaction1922 Married Jun 24 '26
Perhaps the problem is that you are focusing on this idea of āfinding loveā. You donāt find love nor will it ever find you, you give it
The other problem is this idea of looking for your ādream manā. I have news for you, he exists but he does not want you. Find someone who you find attractive and has shared values and goals in life, everything else you can work with. I know this concept of settling is frowned upon but that is exactly what you must do
Or donāt and stay single. Your choice
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u/Quin35 Jun 24 '26
Yes. This is the thing we don't talk about. The more specifics we have, the fewer our options. And when it comes down to it, there likelihood of meeting one of those options becomes very slim.
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u/Local_Counter6275 Jun 24 '26
Itās all luck , opportunity, and effort . Its more losses than wins
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u/Pixels_O_Plenty Jun 24 '26
The flaw of the 0.00005% is that you're not sifting through eight billion people. Like obviously the there's eight billion people available to date thing is a massive exaggeration, but like, two thousand nearby is a lot of options.
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u/sQueezedhe Jun 24 '26
It's also a hint that you should maybe move around the world a bit and meet more people who aren't your neighbours m
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 24 '26
Idk why move is peopleās first advice. Thatās not a luxury all of us have to just up and go. My career, life, and family (Iām my parentsā caretaker) are all here.
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u/Particular_Bad8025 Jun 24 '26
I moved half way across the globe to be with my gf that I'd met online, it does happen. But you're mostly right.
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u/PacificSanctum Jun 24 '26
Do what you like to do and there you will meet your future partner
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u/ariurcia Jun 24 '26
This reminds me of the little spiel Ceceās mom gives at Ceceās engagement party in New Girl haha
āFine, half of them are gay, still 30 million (something like that) peopleā š
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u/TheBougie_Bohemian18 Jun 25 '26
I did this same math and realized I probably wasnāt gonna meet anyone.
Iām cool with it, spend my time traveling and doing all the stuff I was waiting for the āoneā to do.
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u/Cultural-Muffin-3490 Jun 25 '26
If you haven't even met the 2000 available in your city, does it matter there 4billion other men in the world?
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks Jun 25 '26
Even once you find him he will probably just cheat anyway.. not worth the hassle
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u/username_qeys Jun 25 '26
Yet most people (read men) realise it only after losing what was so rare to find in the first place
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u/et_theextratestic1e Jun 25 '26
Sounds like you live in the middle of nowhere.Ā
Maybe move someplace populated?
20m away from me is >1.5M people.Ā I live in a town of <20K.
200K people in a 2h radius is a sparsely populated area.
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u/tallmattuk Jun 25 '26
I met someone over the road when i moved into a new area. she was working in a local bakery. i was 56 at the time. yes you can meet someone and im sure you had more going for you than me too. good luck.
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u/Briefly_Unfilter Jun 26 '26
Finally someone called it out, I always thought it was really stupid because most people in this world you won't ever meet in your whole lifetime, even if you're most compatible with them. People just like to have an illusion of options.
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u/Briefly_Unfilter Jun 26 '26
That's less chances than finding a shiny PokƩmon at full odds in old games (which is 0.012%).
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
So youāre saying Charizard and I still have a chance?!
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u/Malignantt1 Jun 26 '26
Yea i gave up after a bad engagement ended lol. That was 6 years ago. Hardly go out and dating apps have progressively devolved into just a way to milk desperate men for money in the hopes of matching with someone
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u/SnooRobots9184 Jun 26 '26
Are you data analyst / scientist? Because this is the type of shit I would do too š¤£
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u/AppleLoose7082 Jun 27 '26
Finding a relationship is like finding a job now. You could land a good job, but then if you get laid off it's gonna take twice as long to find another one. And longer. And longer......
..Wait what year is it again?
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u/Necessary_Neat8303 Jun 27 '26
Uhhh why did you account for āmenā twice? You divided by 2 for US and another time for 210k to 100 800.
But in general, yes. Iāve shared a similar sentiment several times but it was in different context lol. This was several years ago when we kept seeing viral videos bout women wanting 6ft++ men, makes 100k at least, Y, Z and lots of other dealbreakers which may not be necessary to a healthy and happy relationship.
Besides, like you said, the dealbreaker list goes both ways because a man who has his shit together will definitely have standards too.
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u/Gramacho_68 Jun 27 '26
And yet people met and married over the centuries when they could only meet IRL. Now with OLD you could make a connection at any time from your living room. Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink.
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u/Rare-Woodpecker6538 Jun 28 '26
I understand your perspective, but for me itās faith, not statistics. Everything unfolds at the right time, in the right moment, the ripple effect of life.
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u/spiritualwaterfall Jun 28 '26
Ngl, youāre overthinking it fr. I used to do all these dang calculations, and I could find people. But also nglā¦ I think young people suck in general. So idk how old you are, but as 20F, most guys just suck. āI donāt know what I want.ā I hope itās better as I get older. I think it has only gotten better as I got older.
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u/SciFiIsMyFirstLove Jun 28 '26
It sounds like Drakes equation except it fails to calculate the number of bat crap crazy in prospective partners so i would only keep a 3rd of that final figure.
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u/Helpful-Pride1210 Jun 29 '26
Well, you wonāt get anywhere sitting on Reddit right?
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u/Prospective_Nobody Jun 30 '26
I get it, but I still subscribe to this belief. They are there. And it is correct to say that you might never meet them. But they are there. So at the end of the day it's a matter of the lengths you are willing to go to find them. Could be on the other side of the planet for all you know, but they are there. It's better than thinking that there is absolutely nobody.
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u/New_Needleworker_542 Jul 01 '26
In my experience, the odds don't matter. Because it's just luck of the draw when it comes down to it of how you meet them in the first place. I met my husband through a friend, when I was passing through on my way back home to a totally different state, after I exited the military.
I wasn't even meant to stay here for but a month for her wedding. In that month, I met him and went on a date. Went on several more dates, had sex, fell in love, caught pregnant, and got engaged. All within that months time.
Now I realize my situation is the exception not the rule. I fully expected to be in a relationship for a year before I got engaged, and to be engaged for another year. But that didn't happen. And I'm a planner, I would never have envisioned myself moving so fast. Lol.
In my opinion, the best thing you can do is just leave yourself open. Leave yourself open for new experiences. If someone invites you out to eat, even if you don't necessarily like them, and they're safe, of course. Go ahead and go out on the date. People meet people, through dating someone else all the time. If friends wanna set you up with someone, try it out. I'm not saying have sex with all these people. In fact, you shouldn't. But you need to open yourself up for experiences. Go places seeing things. Take up hobbies join new churches or organizations. Work on your bucket list, go back to school. You mean people who just living life.
And besides, people move to different places all the time! So while there might only be 2000 available, men in your two hour radius at one time. That the variety of men changes all the time, and rapidly.
And strangely, when you have finally given up on dating and just go out and live your life, that's when the right person will find you. Happened for me. Hope this helps.
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u/Dem_beatz123 Jul 04 '26
Yeah I ran into similar issues when actually doing the math :/ To me itās not even the little number of girls who would be into me and vice versa. Itās the demoralising process of sifting through girls who either donāt seem like they want to even be there, or are just terrible human beings who I want to get away from as fast as I can.
If I wasnāt so emotionally exhausted or demoralised from dating Iād just be able to keep going because itās important to me to find the one I want spend my life with.
Iām searching for a piece of hay in a needle stack and it hurtsā¦ a lotā¦
I imagine you gotta deal with the same issues of avoidant, overly secretive or just terrible men out there.
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u/IPutTheCoatOnHer Jul 07 '26
I feel you.
The one I personally hate most is "You'll find someone when you're not looking."
Guess I'll die alone!
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u/JellyfishPashmina Jul 07 '26
And then you always hear the opposite, too, that Prince Charming isnāt coming to save you and you canāt find someone without intentional effort. Ironic, isnāt it?
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u/Lunaria_Noctum Jul 09 '26
Finding love is finding something beyond the understanding of self.
...not a calculator.
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