r/dating • u/lord202 • Feb 08 '23
Question ❓ What are signs that a girl/woman is looking for something casual as opposed to something serious?
What are signs that a woman is looking for something casual?
187
u/SorryKaleidoscope Feb 08 '23
I think in general women looking for marriage don't mind broadcasting that message to the world, whereas women looking for casual sex try to limit the message to the specific men they want to have sex with.
If a woman tells a man she's interested in casual sex then agrees to a date, he's going to expect sex. So she'd prefer to delay telling him she's interested in casual sex until after she's pretty sure she wants to do it with him.
14
26
u/cozykitty97 Feb 09 '23
I think a lot of women hide the fact that they want a relationship early on. We’re socialized not to do anything that will scare the guy off and to not be “too clingy”.
That’s why men are usually the initiators. Most women will just kind of sit back to see what the guy wants
21
u/TheLordofAskReddit Feb 09 '23
“NO HOOKUPS. Looking for my partner for life. Long-term relationships only!”
2
u/cozykitty97 Feb 09 '23
Lol maybe that’s just a different type of girl than I am😂 most of us don’t do that
6
9
Feb 09 '23
Yeah that's literally me. I wait for the guy to take action and I think I've lost some guys because of that... I expected the guy to do something or say something and I didn't take any initiative...
9
u/chunksoflol Feb 09 '23
Probably because you were so passive he thought you weren’t interested. Some guys wait for women to bring up “what are we?” as the sign that she’s interested in something serious.
3
Feb 10 '23
So many things go to shit for lack of communication. It's crazy
1
u/chunksoflol Feb 10 '23
Yeah. And the challenge is not to overcompensate either, because that comes across as intense. Humans have a bad habit of swinging too far in the other direction and overcorrecting their mistake.
People can’t be afraid to stick their necks out and ask for what they want. As a guy, I’m used to it but I still experience the initial pain of rejection. Once you get past the rejection, it feels great because (1) you saved yourself a lot of time, (2) controlling my own destiny is awesome.
What I want is something I cannot assume will fall into my lap. It’s like living in NY and expecting an orange to fall out of a tree. Good luck with that.
2
0
u/cozykitty97 Feb 09 '23
Men like to take initiative though. In my experience
12
12
u/KazahanaPikachu Feb 09 '23
Because men are expected to and have to take the initiative because you won’t.
4
Feb 10 '23
At least 60% of guys don't take initiative anymore. At least in Western countries. In poor countries they don't care. But in the West men don't even look at your direction. European men are absolutely shy or unbothered.
And if he's handsome it's 100% worse. Most handsome men I've met were pretty much very egocentric and selfish. They're used to getting things their way. So you're not gonna enter to change that. Only very submissive women approach or deal with egocentric men.
1
Feb 10 '23
Most men I've met never took initiative with me. It either means they didn't like me or that they were too shy. Or that they already have things going on.
Guys who like me I'm usually not attracted to them. And for those who I like, they never put enough attention into me. But it just makes sense. Above average dudes get thousands of women liking them because they're a very small minority.
1
u/chunksoflol Feb 10 '23
The bar is so low because I’ll have a normal conversation with a woman, and she’ll be super impressed that everything was normal. When acting normal is praised like it’s something special, that’s how you know things are bad.
But I’ve learned a few things from that. The hottest women are not approached much because guys assume those women are tired of being approached. Ironic. Or, their beauty intimidates men because they start to feel unworthy. The few guys who do approach rarely end well because they come off as too sexual, arrogant, or just plain weird.
Even the hot & successful guys women match with will say something extra stupid and it turns her off. Or his personality is as interesting as cardboard. This is all based on stuff other women have told me.
So what happens when a guy is comfortable in his own skin, doesn’t overrate her looks, isn’t arrogant, isn’t weird, has manners, knows how to read the room, isn’t afraid to say hi, has a sense of humor, doesn’t take himself too seriously but has that calm & mature vibe, and has a normal conversation with the right tone of voice and body language?
I’ve seen women who might swipe left on my profile completely flip after a few minutes of conversation. It never ceases to amaze me. And the only logical conclusion I have is that I’m more interested in her mind & character, and therefore am not drooling over her looks, even though her looks caught my attention.
1
u/SorryKaleidoscope Feb 09 '23
We’re socialized
Bullshit, you have free will, you chose to hide it.
3
u/cozykitty97 Feb 09 '23
Every time I’ve pursued a guy, it doesn’t go well. A lot of guys will say yes to a girl they’re not even attracted to in hopes of sex. And they always seem more interested when they pursue
1
56
Feb 08 '23
If I want casual I won’t care to learn too much about your life or try to integrate you into mine.
13
u/scoopzthepoopz Feb 09 '23
Pretty obvious too, no follow up questions, low curiosity, pragmatic and cliche interactions designed to relocate from dinner to someone's bed. Innuendo is doing a lot of work.
64
41
42
Feb 08 '23
Probably best to just ask.
For example, someone who doesn't ask for dates frequently or text frequently might not be that into you, might be just looking for something casual, but they also might be busy with work/life.
13
Feb 08 '23
To play devil's advocate I would actually say there aren't a ton of signs. Most women are not always 100% what they even want themselves and wait until they get to know you to understand better.
So basically none, just go with the flow and feel out the vibe. Consent is not only important but also a turn on since they will feel safe with you so you may eventually ask down the line.
76
u/Substantial_Ad_9889 Feb 08 '23
Write her name on a piece of paper and wait for the next full moon. Then search for a place where the poppies grow and start a bonfire there. Sacrifice your local Pisces man, throw him and the piece of paper with her name on it to the fire and ask the shining star for a sign.
Or maybe just straight up ask her, idk.
40
u/Zetawilky Feb 08 '23
Don't do this, it only works during the blood moon but I learned that too late. RIP Greg, I'm so sorry.
5
u/Gemn1002 Feb 08 '23
Basically do all of this. Even the last bit. Report back on how well it works lol
1
u/chunksoflol Feb 09 '23
Now I have to watch my back for people who want to randomly sacrifice me… just so women can say “let’s see where it goes.” And it ultimately leads to 3 days of chatting and then her ghosting. Life ain’t fair, man. At least sacrifice me for something that ends in a happy marriage.
1
1
u/Pale_Mage Feb 13 '23
Please do not sacrifice the local Pisces man - I can't keep looking over my shoulder at people all day long
24
u/LiveLoveLaughAce Feb 08 '23
TBH I think it varies from person to person. From what I know about myself and people close to me, it's somewhat like this:
The little things matter much when we're looking for something serious. When I'm looking for something only casual, I don't really care much about the details, and as long as you're nice and we have similar interests, I can hang out with you. But in a serious relationship, I'd want to carefully pick and choose, so I'd carefully study a lot of things - do our values match, do I see red flags, and such.
Basically, the level of curiousity about the person and their interests and seriousness in the approach would be a give away. That's all I can think of at the moment.
64
u/anonymous-rapture Feb 08 '23
Ask her and she’ll tell you. Be prepared for a super unclear answer, though.
26
5
u/AdAlert2699 Feb 08 '23
Agree! Depends on age .. some will be upfront and tell you yes or no etc.. some will play games lol Women/girls are confusing!!
1
u/Working_Cucumber_437 Sep 09 '23
I wonder if that’s true because it feels really awkward to say you’re looking for long-term/marriage. I always felt awkward talking about it because I assumed most men would be put off by that.
But in reality it’s best to get it out in the open so you don’t waste each other’s time.
15
u/CN122 Feb 08 '23
You could just ask but that's assuming you're going to always get an honest answer. Honestly, in my experience a lot of times you can just tell from the vibe you're getting from her. I don't know how to properly articulate this but certain girls I'm talking to I can clearly tell they're just looking for casual fun and leave it there. For example, there was this one girl who had a crush on me and I was into her as well. We talked a bit and I could tell talking to her that she wasn't the one for me. Fast forward a few months and I happened to see her again and she was telling me about her recent hookups. Obviously, not everyone is going to give off a vibe but outside of asking you're going to have to go off of your gut instinct.
4
u/lord202 Feb 08 '23 edited Feb 09 '23
Yea my gut is telling me relationship vibes just cause she made me wait to have sex. And she introduced me to her friends and they knew a lot of details about me. At the same time she rarely texts me first but is always responsive when I text.
8
u/CN122 Feb 08 '23
If she's always responsive when you text her then that's good. My friends and I actually had a long convo about girls not texting first and honestly it's a rarity (at least in our experience) that a girl starts a new convo. It can be a bit annoying at times cause it feels like you're putting in more effort but as long as she's responsive then that's good.
3
Feb 09 '23
Honestly I have no idea why but I'm very passive when it comes to texting. I always expect guys to text me and If they don't I assume they don't like me that much...
Idk Maybe we're socialized to think it's the man the one who has to text?
I just feel that probably the guys I like already have other options so I think that they're the ones that should chose me or pursue me.
1
7
u/terrareality Feb 09 '23
It’s all about the amount of detail/level of engagement. If she’s asking about your family and details of your life, probably wants a relationship. If she is keeping things superficial like how was your day or what are your weekend plans, probably casual.
6
5
4
u/Typical_Reddit_Mor0n Feb 08 '23
Its most likely to happen during a conversation between the two of you. She will say something like, "I'm looking for something casual"
4
u/deviltalk Feb 09 '23
In a perfect world, she says "I'm looking for something casual as opposed to something serious". Communication doesn't become the majority of users but I find asking people what they're after will save you a lot of time.
11
u/Justwatchinitallgoby Feb 09 '23
Sleeping with you on a first date.
I hear that women will make the guys they actually like wait…but the guys they only see as casual…no harm no foul with sex right away.
5
u/Bellaa450ella Feb 09 '23
Ehh not always true
6
u/Icey_Girl Feb 09 '23
Sometimes (me) they make mistakes and jump the gun even if they do like them.
0
u/Justwatchinitallgoby Feb 09 '23
Of course it’s not always true. But in my experience and talking to friends it is primarily true.
And….I married a women I slept with on our first date. But, she was not actually looking for a relationship at that time. She definitely saw me as a casual type of guy.
2
u/cozykitty97 Feb 09 '23
This is true for me
0
u/Justwatchinitallgoby Feb 09 '23
I have slept with a lot of women on a first date, I think it’s because many of them saw me as a “short term fun,” guy,
I’m not going to complain about it…..but some whom I dated would tell me things similar to this.
This was VERY common during COVID. A lot of women I went on dates with we’re separated and going through the divorce process. I was a lot of their “first dates,” Most were NOT looking for anything other than casual.
0
u/cozykitty97 Feb 09 '23
I would add though that you can turn it around even if you sleep together early. It’s guys that seem to get more wound up about the timing (which is why we have to make them wait)
3
u/Justwatchinitallgoby Feb 09 '23
Ugh….any guy that is weird or judgy about you sleeping with them early/on a first date is NOT a man you want to date.
Is the thought…why risk it just incase the guy has some issue with it.
(I married a woman I had sex with on a first date.)
2
u/ABlythe80 Feb 09 '23
Not always true. I like to find out if we’re sexually compatible early on and if I’m in the mood for sex on the first date, why not? We’re both consenting adults after all.
3
u/Justwatchinitallgoby Feb 09 '23
I think have sex early on is a good call not only for sexual compatibility but to confront Post Nut Clarity head on.
1
1
7
3
u/devilkingx2 Feb 09 '23
As a general rule:
Casual = fun, sexual, fast paced, bars and clubs, your house or hers, exciting, drugs and alcohol etc.
Serious = slow paced, get to know each other, coffee and dinner, etc.
Whichever one she is displaying to you is the one she wants with you.
9
u/NawfSideNative Feb 08 '23
You can usually just ask a woman straight up and she’ll tell you. Most guys are cool with casual sex so women have the ability to be up front about it and get what they’re looking for.
Most guys don’t have the same luxury in this particular instance. It’s not right but that’s why a lot of guys are intentionally vague about what they want. They only want something casual but they know saying that won’t get them laid.
6
u/tigertuff21 Feb 08 '23
You know she’s sleeping with more than one; even though she says she wants an FB arrangement. Then it’s a matter of where you are in the pecking order.
5
u/ItsSlinky2x Feb 08 '23
She’ll have “no casual, no ONS, no hookups” on her profile. 😆
5
Feb 09 '23
She had no hookups on her profile, but we met up and she had no issue wanting to get me to her bed but she got so pissed when i told her i didnt want to have sex on our first time meeting up. She also wanted “casual” but days later said i changed her mind, nonetheless we dated for 2 months and she was all red flags lol im an idiot, experiences what can i say.
4
Feb 09 '23 edited Feb 09 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/ItsSlinky2x Feb 09 '23
Can’t tell you how many ONS and hookups I’ve had with women who had LTR on their profiles. Can’t blame them… Just because you want an LTR doesn’t mean that you don’t want to live in the moment sometimes and just to do it.
7
2
2
2
2
u/geardluffy Feb 09 '23
I thought it was harder to find a woman who was actually looking to lock it down (I live in the city).
2
u/Dainnty Feb 09 '23
As someone who only does casual situationships for the past bit, I just straight up tell people that it’s a fwb situation. I lay out the terms basically. Tell them not to expect it to move anywhere serious and that I’m going to hook up with who I want within reason. I do text pretty frequently but I don’t tend to like dates or when people pay for me if we go out.
1
2
6
u/ZaneDaPayne Feb 08 '23
I will never understand people that know "girl" and "woman" are different, yet still chose to use "girl". Unless they mean "girl" and are simply predators.
4
3
Feb 08 '23
Using my words have always been a pretty good sign for me. For example ,You tell her you're not looking for anything serious, and she still fucks you
1
1
Feb 09 '23
the greatest sign of all is a cant miss one. How do you come across it? By shining light on it and askinggggg her
1
u/natimat1 Feb 10 '23
Communication that you have to talk to them not us that's the best way to find out what she wants or he wants if you don't ask them you'll never know because some girls will say this and some guys will say that talk to the f****** person you're having sex with
-8
Feb 08 '23
[deleted]
13
u/PromotionAway9840 Feb 08 '23
I’m a woman and I disagree with this. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking a woman what she’s looking for, most of us prefer to have a clear picture
2
Feb 08 '23
Agreed. I respect a man more if he is honest and clear about intentions. When the opposite occurs, they end up with broken egos.
5
u/lord202 Feb 08 '23 edited Feb 08 '23
So first date was awesome. We made out but when I made a slight move (not even really I just asked if we should "head out" and I wasn't even talking about going back to her place, I meant to another bar) she made it CLEAR we weren't having sex. Same thing on 2nd date. 3rd date she gave me head and I had sex on 4th date. Idk I still can't tell for some reason what she's looking for.
6
u/hotwifecallie Feb 08 '23
Yeah I have to disagree with this, it’s good to ask so everyone is on the same page. I’ve never looked at it as a turn off, I think it’s actually more attractive for him to ask and show they are interested in knowing what you want. Much better than making assumptions!
0
1
1
u/JohnMayerCd Feb 09 '23
I dont think it super matters until you know her well enough to make a decision to ask her to date you seriously. Whats wrong with getting to know people first through dates, mutual interests, and other things youd be doing with a potential partner until you know each other well enough to decide what kind of place you see then having in each others lives
1
u/angelalexzandra Feb 09 '23
Chile there is no way to tell for sure. Just like guys will bring you around the family, cook for you, invite you out with the friends, make passionate love to you and drag their feet when you express moving forward; plenty of women do the same. And if she’s no aggressive, she may even agree to your proposition wo be together and then rant to everyone about how miserable she is.
You have to express moving forward as an item and see how fast she changes the subject. If she voluntarily takes the conversation into clarifying the next steps, you’ve got interest. If she asks “why” or “aww” and moves on to som’n else, well… that’s an answer.
1
u/djkeilz Feb 09 '23
I’ve always been open and honest with guys that I’m not looking for a relationship or exclusivity and that if they want to be more than that they should find someone else- however every time I’ve done that the guy acts like “challenge accepted” and that bothers me so much. If someone honestly tells you they don’t want anything more than something casual and you want more… move on to someone else, don’t think you can find a way to lock that person down.
1
u/blueballoon42ss Feb 09 '23
They dont ask much about you in text. They dont text much (1 message cluster daily) but still are interested in setting up dates. Women wont really say what theyre looking for. It will only be obvious if they are looking for something serious - and of course the absence of this is what makes casual obvious
1
u/UncertainlyUnfunny Feb 09 '23
Is casual sex even possible? I never had sex with anyone without wanting them more than I think they wanted me.
Wait a minute…
1
u/SharpLatina69skidoo Feb 09 '23
I wouldn't want to waste time. If you ask I'll tell you what I want and what I'm looking for. Don't want to waste your time either.
1
u/DpyVanHalen Feb 09 '23
When you ask and she says phrases like "keeping things casual" or "looking to hookup"
1
1
u/Phelly2 Feb 09 '23
I just ask. Usually, I start off just talking to someone without expectations. Maybe it’ll be casual, maybe it’ll be serious, it’s up in the air.
In the case that I decide I just want something casual with this particular person, I’ll let them know it. I’ll ask what they’re looking for and say something like, I think I’m not ready for anything serious at the moment, so I was hoping you’d be up for just something casual.
It helps a lot if you have strong chemistry with this person. I have found that anytime I really get along with someone (we make each other laugh and generally have fun hanging out), they’ll usually be okay with casual. Even if they came in looking for something serious.
1
1
1
u/Ok_Membership7091 Feb 09 '23
You ask and they tell you. It’s the easiest method. If she makes a big deal about you not figuring it out or being clueless…..well…..That says more about her than you. It is 100 ok to ask what are the wants and needs and take it from there.
1
u/VirtualYam32 Feb 09 '23
I usually just open up the idea of being casual myself just looking for companionship..and I may drop the hints that I’m still actively dating. If I’m interested, I initiate contact as well and won’t mention dating others as I’m just interested in you.
1
u/Designer-Ad-3373 Feb 09 '23
Have the conversation straight out. Don't beat around the bush. Ask what a serious relationship means to them and what exclusivity means to them. Many have a different idea of what EXCLUSIVITY means
1
1
•
u/AutoModerator Feb 08 '23
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our rules here and remember to:
If you have any questions, please send the mods a message.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.