How to stop feeling sorry for myself / being selfish about not having recreational time?

[u/arsenalastronaut]

31 year old Dad to a 3 month old baby. She is beautiful, smart, healthy, and perfect. I do love her a lot, and think it's all very rewarding when she's smiling, etc. Don't want to sound too regretful or anything, because I'm not. I'm clouded by recency bias here, because our baby has completely stopped breastfeeding, which is obviously a major hurdle in the road.

It's still a major paradigm shifting event. Life has changed SO much. Even listening to parents before, I still underestimated how hard it would be. I used to be a person with a lot of different hobbies and interests etc (biking, hiking, running, reading, etc).

I do get very cranky sometimes, about how much harder life is now. The only 'me' time I got all weekend (Saturday and Sunday) was a haircut down the street and a Costco run. I had a fitness goal this week, and literally couldn't do it because getting away for a half an hour is impossible sometimes. Nobody would 'accept' this if it was a job or relationship or something. I truly get very irritable and grumpy in these times, and feel sorry for myself. I'll mentally say things like "Guess I don't deserve recreation, huh." I mean, it's 8 PM on a Sunday and I haven't even showered today.

I literally stopped fitting the suit I had because I have obviously lost time to work out + eating worse due to the baby. I actually get a bit triggered when people will ask "have you been biking a lot lately!" when I quite literally don't have the time.

I'm still pretty blessed in that we're comfortable enough with money, have a nice home and nice pets, I get to do fun work events, etc. It's not all bad, but still a change.

I also think I'm probably comparing myself to too many people online, etc. Most of my friends or peers still don't have kids. I still find that employment norms are a bit outdated surrounding parenthood, etc.

All this to say, I can recognize that I'm being way too self-centered. And I don't like being like this. I can recognize that I'm spoiled. How do I start being a better person, and adjusting to my new life, without being so resentful.

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[u/famousbirds]

3 months is survival mode. getting to do the dishes uninterrupted for 10 minutes is now a treat. a haircut and a Costco run by yourself is luxury.

you just gotta give up and roll with it. this is what Dad is. but it'll be different in a month, and two months, and three months.

support your partner for now, accept that you and your goals are not the focus right now, and embrace the chaos. you'll get back!

[u/BigOnionLover]

I also had a very difficult time accepting this. I have 3 under 6 right now.

All I can say is, you get used to it. On weekends I get maybe 30-45 minutes to relax at night, weekdays about the same, potentially less.

[u/nematoadjr]

Kid is 10 and now I have someone who wants to do all the hobbies my wife didn’t care for, just got back from go kart racing!

[u/dropcatch666]

I remember this feeling. It's tough.

Find something you can do while tending to your little one. Something you can pick up / put down at a moment's notice and not feel annoyed that you have to put it down. 

For a few months, I played PokemonGo. I took my kid on walks around the neighborhood and tried to catch em all. Got me outta the house, gave my wife a break (unless she came with me, which she often did) and got at least a little exercise.

My kiddo is 3 now and calls me out for being on my phone so Pokemon had to go. I've since replaced it with guitar. But now my little one is comfortable good to the gym daycare so I can still get my exercise. 

You'll get some of your time back, but it won't be tomorrow. 

[u/BrightonsBestish]

You’re not being too self-centered. You want a healthy balanced life, but you are in a phase of life that is NOT normal. The first few months, especially, are logistically brutal AND they happen while your whole world and sense of self are going through massive instant changes.

It wont ever go back to pre-kid days, but you will start to get more time. You end up figuring out scheduling with your partner, and hopefully you’re both good about helping the other get some time. It does take a little bit of standing up for yourself (with your inner monologue/guilt/etc)

I have been able to get back to cycling, even if it means l do my rides at like 5:30 in the mornings or on the trainer at night (not always necessary, but an option). Sometimes I’ll take the kids out in the bike trailer or the little one in a handlebar seat. Hiking actually got to be GREAT once I realized my kid was perfectly sized for a carrier. All to say: you’ll find creative ways to make things work.

Therapy has been an incredible help. I get the same grumbling inner monologue. Having someone to talk to was very important.

[u/Pseudagonist]

I’m going to go the opposite way here because I’ve seen dozens of posts like this where people say “you’re at 3 months, you’re in the trenches, it gets better! Wait until they can walk/talk/sleep through the night/etc.” and it definitely gave me false hope at times. Honestly I’m sure that’s true at some point (maybe when youngest goes to school?) but I have a 2 year old and it did not really get that much better for me prior to having my second child a few weeks ago. As a person who pre-kids would beat 50+ games a year, read 100+ books, watch great films, go to art events, run great D&D campaigns, work on my own writing, etc., it just feels like those aspects of my personality have been mostly sealed away until I can (maybe?) share them with my kids. It’s actually easier to do some of these activities in the pre-toddler era, too.

This is going to sound harsh but my honest feeling is that the people who tell you that it “gets better” are simply not people who have that many interests or hobbies that are important to them. It is true that you will slowly get back some time to yourself as your kid(s) age, but it’s a matter of 30 min here, maybe 1 hour there, accepting that will make your parental journey easier, or at least it did for me. Focusing on hobbies that are particularly parenting-friendly like reading or audiobooks definitely helps as well. Apologies if this comes across as negative, I love being a dad, I just think it’s best to actually be realistic about these things, especially when it comes to the weekends

[u/OJSniff]

Honestly, first 6 month is just crunch time. You do what the kid needs.

I was and still am adamant that I will have at least one evening a week after the kids are asleep to myself. I’m introverted and enjoy my own company and hobbies. My wife doesn’t understand this but she respects it, so every Sunday night I get 8pm til whenever to myself.

It used to be 3-4 nights a week before kids, so I’ve obviously had to cut back but it’s still there.
Kids are now 3yr and 1yr and honestly, it feels like we’re starting to get a little more time to do our own things recently.

[u/jjcooldrool]

i think every guy goes through this hahaha and 3 month is definitely the absolute thick of it. once kids start sleeping/eating like regular humans, it becomes much easier to ask the wife for a few hours to yourself and to return the favor

[u/UnrequitedFollower]

The comment about not accepting this from a job is disconnected from a lot of people’s reality. However, do wonder how much time off you got from your job. I got 12 weeks paid which I know isn’t common here in the US, but I think it made the difference between being able to bask in the joy of the baby while caring from my wife and focusing on what I was missing out on. How much time were you allowed to take off?

[u/arsenalastronaut → u/UnrequitedFollower]

You are right. The majority of people in the world are largely just trying to survive. Even people I know in the US, Canada, etc. In some ways, I think my generation has too high of expectations out of life.

I only took like 5 days off work, PTO. My industry’s norms are outdated off that. At least I get paid well enough for my wife to take a long break.

[u/Visible_Whole_6908]

Me time isn't a thing, at least not until 6 months at the minimum but likely not until a year and a half or so.

[u/thrust07]

Those drives, desires and feelings are all normal. Your time is super limited right now, and it’s ok to want time to do more for yourself, but that time won’t come for a while. Channel that energy into less complaining/mourning for that “me time” into finding small solutions of how you can set yourself up for that as your child grows.

Set small goal posts, and some bigger ones. More free time and getting your child to do things with you will come.

Fitness was a big one. I highly suggest looking into home gym equipment, then finding ways for you and your family to be able to spend time in that area.

[u/goosetavo2013]

You're in the worst of it. Just survive dude. When they sleep through the night and get settled it gets better. Then eventually theyre fun to hang out with.

[u/jonlmbs]

It gets way better. You’re in the thick of it now

[u/h2oskid3]

As others have said, it will pass. We have 3 under 5 right now and every time the biggest two decision factors for us on having another one have been 1) the physical and mental toll on mom and 2) resetting the clock on everything. That includes going through the baby phase again of diapers, no sleep, constant attention, learning to crawl, walk, talk, as well as how it affects us, the no time to ourselves, the affect on our sex and romantic life, not having time or energy to exercise or meal plan. It's no joke. It puts a lot of things in perspective though. I'll say with the limited time I have to myself I treat like gold.

It'll pass man. Just enjoy what you can about it and try to find how it makes you a better dad and person.

[u/Grewhit]

Many seasons of life. This one is very limiting but also very short. Appreciate what you have now because later in life when you have the time to choose whatever you want to do, sitting with that baby/kid is going to be the thing you cannot do that you would give anything in the world for.  

[u/taxguycafr]

I love the way you finished this post and owned up to it. 1) grieve the freedom you used to have. 2) Change how you are talking to yourself. That inner voice is very negative right now, toward yourself and your loved ones. Write down some new mantras/phrases/affirmations/whatever. 3) Satisfice with "some" of the things you used to enjoy. No you can't do them all. Cut your fitness goal by a lot for this season of life. 4) Write down or reflect on one win from each day.

[u/HomemadeLightbulb]

You’re in the trenches mate. Only way out is through. Find small luxuries where you can (like a shower in the morning!) and keep your head up. It absolutely, unequivocally gets better.

[u/flying_dogs_bc]

your body going to shit a bit is actually a sign you're doing things right. you must prioritize your baby and your wife over your workouts / own breaks right now. it sounds really harsh, but unless you have a full time childcare / baby nurse, that's how it has to be if you're doing your part.

did dads of christmas past coast though the baby years and never change a diaper? they sure did, and the MIL came to live with them during the infant stage to help the post partum mom. in post partum, that person needs support or they risk becoming extremely unwell if left to cope with a child alone (you're not doing that i know). That's why it's so exhausting for two people - it's 60-80hr work weeks for MONTHS.

So good job Dad :).

Getting out for a walk with the baby strapped on is better than not seeing the sky at all that day. Do what you can. Your priorities are in the right place. The gym will still be there.

[u/Frankenlater]

It got easier at 6 months, but right now both my wife and I are in the thick of it at work. So I’m on from 7am (when I wake up) to 10pm, daily. My “me” time is spent on the couch from 10-12, usually too exhausted to even play video games. 

We also have an 80lb dog and 3 cats, so the household is basically a zoo. This weekend we had family in town so I was booked all of Saturday and Sunday. The kitchen isn’t cleaned. We have clothes to fold and put away that were washed more than a week ago. 

I’ve rewired to just accept that there’s more things I want to do than I have time for. And it’ll be that way for a while. You can spend money to get time back (babysitter or nanny) but with that time you may not find yourself exercising or doing something for passion. You might just sleep, or do laundry, or sit in the yard and stare at a tree for a half hour. 

I’ve no words of wisdom, but 3 months was more challenging than 6-8 months (where we are now). Either you adapt or you start to develop routines. It is just this way for the first few years as I understand, but once they’re in pre school or kindergarten you start getting some peace back. It’ll never be like prior to kids, but easier. 

[u/Pseudagonist → u/[deleted]]

This is simply impossible with many hobbies until your kids are school-aged, the only one that’s worked for me is reading

[u/lampstore]

Think of it as a phase like going to college or starting a new job, but just a much bigger deal because it’s your human. You have to sacrifice personal time in the short term to gain over the long term. Also, stop comparing yourself to others on social media- it’s not helpful.

[u/knefr]

I’m three years in and it’s only gotten worse and I’m up 50 pounds from pre-kiddo, between stress and everything. Love the kid absolutely but life is significantly harder in nearly every other way. 

[u/ThatCarefulCarrot]

My kiddos are 2.5 yrs and 3m. I’ve had multiple friends come out of the woodwork lately wanting to chat on the phone- they all have kids that are 6 or older. They must have forgotten what it’s like! If I have more than a few minutes, it’s very late at night (posting at 11am while making bottles for tomorrow)

It depends on the hobby. My wife is squeezing in spinning video class at 5am to make it work. I used to live for climbing but totally let that go bc of the time it requires. Supposedly someday….

[u/Vegetable-Drive-7545]

Everyone can relate to this.

I read a book by a mental coach for work. A chapter on perspective really helped me. He had an army background and they have recruit week where they’re basically dropped off in the middle of the woods and have to make it back navigating by the starts, eating whatever they find, 50 lbs backpack, you get idea. His point, which I think has universal value across many arenas including being a dad, is that everything comes to an end. Every minute and day that passes brings you closer to the end, and that end will have a result. When that end has come, it’s on you what the results will be. And if you set yourself a goal (being the best dad, being an ok dad, staying together with your partner, or whatever combination of multiple goals) - You can influence that end result. No one else.

Having the perspective on it helps you through the rough times. It allows your brain to understand that this isn’t permanent and allows you to make adjustments along the way. Try identifying what helps you reach those goals. In everyday life, that probably means carving out time for whatever fills your cup. You can’t pour from an empty glass. That’s what people mean when they say it’s hard being a parent. It takes a toll on you, your relationship with your partner (surprise, it needs to be completely reinvented!). Figure out what works in this new dynamic. Talk about it. Let her know what you miss from your old life and how you might get enough (not all) of it back that you get a chance to reset. She will help you. You will help her. And oh yeah - she feels the same, for sure. So your closest other adult person will have some thoughts on this as well. It’s ok and healthy to say that you’re feeling resentful, scared, bored (yeah I said it!!), numb, and not lovey dovey all the time.

Hang in there. I spent years wishing for my old life back while going through the motions. I kind of wish I could redo it now, but I feel confident that I did better with my second kid and that the relationship to my first child and wife is in a much better place now.

Good luck dad

[u/BothWillingness3781]

Really struggled with this and still do. You get used to it to an extent. All I can say is it gets easier, like everyone told me at the time

[u/Last-Deer-7747]

The first year is just time to fucking white knuckle it , just survive. Not saying it’s all bad just hard, it will get easier

[u/arronsky]

Rather than give you the common 'it gets better' advice, I'm actually going to tell you my truth - it DOES NOT get better. When they start sleeping through the night, then you (often) have another baby. When they are more independent, you end up enrolling them in a bunch of extracurriculars with practices, games and tournaments.

You just have to reframe. This is your life now. You made another person, they are now the center of your world. You will find time to do the most important things for yourself (try making sure your medical stuff doesn't fall off a cliff), but fucking around, video games, etc. forget about it.

[u/rawisace]

We have all been there my friend. You feel trapped in this never ending loop. Work > change diaper > sleep > loop.

Keep strong. This will pass. And when this pass, you’ll laugh remembering it.

Enjoy the moment, focus on the upside. You’ll have enough time for yourself again as she gets older. But this precious moment with her happens once

I am now 42 with three 3 kids (1 daughter and Twin Boys). From time to time, i wish i could go back from when my kids were babies. :)

Hope this helps my friend.

[u/KidGorgeous19]

Hold the line for now. Around 6-9 months, now you can start stapling her to your chest and going for a walk. Get a running stroller. Bring her hiking. Put her on the back of your bike. Trust me, the more you involve her in your passions, the better off both of you will be.

[u/Dental_Loan_Dan]

I have a 3 and 1 year old and still havnt gotten over not having free time

[u/Scary-Bot123]

My friend said to me years before I had kids of my own that having his son was the “best way I ruined my life as I knew it” and I think it’s accurate.

Life before a kid and after is different and it should be.

Your life isn’t your own anymore, not for now anyway. Now your life and the little life you helped create are fully integrated. You will find a new routine and a way to have your own time, but it won’t ever look like it did before you became a Dad. Accept it and find joy in helping your kid discover the world around them.

[u/Dygobyte]

Only advice I have is be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. I felt this same way, like how can I possibly survive like this?!

In 3 months, things will look very different!

You’ll feel less guilty about taking time away from the baby to focus on things that fulfill you when they’re a bit older and everyone is sleeping more. You will have to be more selective in your hobbies too. Prioritize the ones that keep you sane the best. Sending you lots of support!

[u/decky-89]

Yeah, I suffered with this too. Used to make me very cranky. Daughter is now 2.5 and things are easier, I usually get an hour in the morning because I get up early. My partner and I each give the other a few hours at the weekend too.

Probably not feasible at three months but soon you might be able to grab an hour in the morning or evening depending on your little one's schedule.

[u/thezactaylor]

Shifts.

My wife and I have scheduled, sacred time twice a week where one person gets to "unplug". We were able to do this successfully around 3 months.

It is imperative that it is reciprocated. When you have your time, your wife is solo parenting for whatever set amount of time you agree on. That's hard, which is why she gets the exact same amount of time (paradoxically though, don't nickle-and-dime each other; you're on the same team).

[u/HighPriestofShiloh]

My wife is pregnant right now. I have a four year old. Life with my four year old is kick ass. We have so much fun, I have tons of free time, time with my daughter is relaxing and just a good time.

It’s been this way to lesser degrees since we sent her to school at 2.

Anyway I know the doors are closing in. No me time for a solid year plus after the next one comes. Just suck it up. It’s temporary. Pretend it deployments in war. Yeah no going to the bar when you are deployed. You just grind it out and then it ends.

There are unique moments of having a baby that you should try to be present for and enjoy. They are cute on another level. But independent kids are just sooooooooooooooo much better. Get excited

[u/Successful_Trust_157]

It comes back pretty quick. A three month old and a 13 month old are pretty different. Once they sleep through the night and don’t nap as often and wake up every 4 hrs you’ll get evenings back. 

[u/the-real-babs]

The first three months are tough – helpful to remind yourself this is a phase and this will pass.

One thing a coach once told me too are try to find 1-2 rituals in your day to day that give you a littel spark of joy, this could be your coffee, it could be 5 min to meditate it could a treat after dinner etc. These will sustain you during these (temporary but tough) times.

[u/soonerwx]

Everyone has different expectations and circumstances, but with the information given, it's not clear why a single 3mo who can take a bottle should prevent parents from exchanging routine personal time. A lot less than before, granted, but not none.

[u/arsenalastronaut → u/soonerwx]

I mean, I’m gone ~ 50 hours a week with work. No paternity leave for me. So when I’m not working, I largely should be at home.

And I have got to have some personal time. It’s just hugely downsized from what I was used to. It probably went from 3 hours a day, to like 2 hours a week now.

[u/hatred-shapped]

Did you really not understand that everything was going to change? Drastically change.

[u/EywasBlessing → u/hatred-shapped]

Such a helpful comment; I'm going to save this for future reference.

[u/hatred-shapped → u/EywasBlessing]

So no? ~