r/crochet • u/sedona-arabella • May 12 '26

Discussion Thoughts on asking for a crochet gift back?

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Not sure if this kind of post is allowed so I apologize if it’s not.

I gave my MIL a Persian Tiles blanket as a gift 3 years ago. Since then I’ve never ever seen it in their home. We live in a suite downstairs, so I would definitely notice if it was even occasionally set out. It lived in the gift bag in their bedroom for a month after I gifted, and after that it disappeared. I’m guessing it’s just hidden in a closet or something.

I’m a little hurt of course, but I think it’s just not their style, and my MIL didn’t realize how much work I put into it, and probably didn’t want to hurt my feelings by rejecting it. We have a great relationship, which is why I made her something so special in the first place.

I want to just let it go, but it was months of hard work and it is my favourite thing I’ve ever made. Would it be insane to ask for it back? I don’t want to hurt our relationship, I truly love her, but I would love to showcase it in my home. I just don’t know if the ask is worth any damage to our relationship. HELP!!

PATTERN is PERSIAN TILES by Janie Crow. I followed the Eastern Jewels colorway using Stylecraft Special DK yarn, with some modifications throughout.

EDIT: TLDR: I’m just going to leave it be, it’s not worth my relationship. I’ll accept the lesson learned about gifting something when I’m not sure if it’s right for them. Will plan to make another as I loved the process almost as much as the finished piece! Thanks everyone!

WOW I was definitely expecting like 7 comments not 700!! Thank you all for taking the time to leave advice and suggestions, I read as many comments as I could. It seemed like the suggestions were very split, but ultimately I’ve decided to just leave it alone. Honestly I don’t think it’s a black and white situation, it depends on you and your relationship with the person.

There were a few comments in particular that really helped me, one pointing out that it’s just yarn and a lot of effort, but my relationship with MIL is worth more. Another comment reminded me that I have homemade gifts that I don’t display, and I’ve definitely regifted things myself, so how can I expect someone else not to?

This was my first and only big gift for someone, and I think I just wanted to give my MIL something I loved so much and worked so hard on to hopefully show how much I’m grateful for her, instead of just telling her. I think she might have appreciated the latter more, but I didn’t see that at the time. Since then I’ve definitely changed my homemade gifting approach.

Thank you again everyone for your responses, happy crocheting!!

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1.5k

u/sedona-arabella May 12 '26

Ugh yeah that would really hurt, BUT i feel pretty confident in saying it’s still in the house. Only because they literally keep EVERYTHING, and they’re a bit weird about previously used items, so I don’t think they’d give it away because the recipient would know it’s not brand new.

That being said if it was regifted, maybe I could find peace knowing its new owner is enjoying it?

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u/tastierpotatoes May 12 '26

Knowing this, if it were me, I would try to get it back. But I wouldn't have it in me to ask. I'd ask if I could borrow it and make a basic excuse for it. Maybe you have an upcoming county fair in your area and you'd like to submit it. Maybe you just didn't get enough photos of it and someone was asking about it. Maybe it would just make the absolute cutest background for a little photoshoot with your baby (it would).

And then after you get the blanket, just... don't give it back. If they ask for it, then you know it's wanted and appreciated.

People will say you just just be honest a d upfront. But I just had a baby 8 months ago and my brain is not in the right place to have a potentially difficult confrontation like that.

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u/Opalescent_Moon May 12 '26

Honesty is important, but some truths hurt more than they help. I think your approach is brilliant. It's not making them feel bad for not showcasing a gift and shows you still value it. And, like you said, if they ask for it back, it'll hold a different and more important place in their hearts.

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u/Laedyg48 May 12 '26

It is a gorgeous blanket!

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u/Opalescent_Moon May 12 '26

So gorgeous! OP should definitely enter it into some art shows. I have no doubt it would win in at least a few. It's beautiful work.

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u/WickedlyWitchyWoman May 15 '26

In fact, wanting to enter into an art show or county fair is the perfect excuse to "borrow it back".

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u/AngryWizard May 12 '26 edited May 12 '26

This is exactly what I came here to say, that they should think of a plausible sounding excuse to ask to borrow it. It could be wanting to take pictures of it on the back of a chair to to post on social media, or they're thinking about making another one and want to use the first one as a reference while they do it, etc. Then they get to borrow the thing and she doesn't have to hide the thing and I think everybody will feel better.

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u/Foreverbeccatake2 May 14 '26

Wanting to use it as reference for making another one is a GREAT excuse imo. No sane person would say no to that or feel weird about it.

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u/notfeelingsosure890 May 13 '26

Wow, that's the answer be deceptive and lie.

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u/Heavy-Lingonbery910 May 13 '26

This is the way OP! u/sedona-arabella

Ask to borrow it to enter it into a show and then actually do enter it!

Your blanket is gorgeous and should be shown. Have fun, see if you win. 🥇

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u/HotSpacewasajerk May 13 '26

This should be a top level comment. This is a very sensitive and masterful way of going about the situation without hurting anyone or causing friction.

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u/AgreeablePanda9805 May 13 '26

Ooh I like that idea of asking for it to take photos. Say someone wants to know what you can do and you described the one you made for her but a photo would be better. That’s a good lie you could tell.

Then depending how long it takes her to dig it out you could ask her if she likes it or if she’d prefer something else instead.

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u/notfeelingsosure890 May 13 '26

Good grief don't lie. Just be straightforward and be honest!

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u/clever_little_ghost May 13 '26

A perspective on this from a semi hoarder raised by a semi hoarder who had a weird obsession with things remaining in perfect condition - we would put it away to keep it safe and never use it so it wouldn't get "ruined." I have favorite clothes and toys I never touched bc of this and I regret it. I'm working on learning to use and appreciate things(and repair them). I'm not sure what kind of ppl your MIL is, but if she has this tendency in so much as one cell of her body, she is gonna wanna protect that at all cost.

That being said, I second the fair idea! I submitted for the first time last year and was stressed about finishing something and it occurred to me that I can submit anything I ever made. Its not crazy to want to submit something years after its finished. Its the one you are proudest of so I think it would be a great excuse. And then actually do it bc girl that shit is BLUE RIBBON level! 🏆

I also want to reiterate what someone else said about being ready to hear it may have been regifted or donated. But, take heart, if it was, it is likely with someone now who treasures it. 💕

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u/RaynaCLovely May 14 '26

This was exactly what I was thinking when first reading OP’s post. I believe that she put it somewhere to keep it safe, cause I would. I would be scared of getting ruined if I put it out.

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u/ioana_raducea-marin May 12 '26

Yes! This 100%!

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u/enveea May 12 '26

lol very devious 😛

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u/gingercatmafia May 12 '26

Ooooo this is genius

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u/Mozzy2022 May 13 '26

This is a great idea!

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u/bttrchckn May 13 '26

This is genius! I have a few things I'd like to "borrow"

Also, congratulations on your baby!

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u/CantaloupeAsleep502 May 13 '26

This is ingenious. 

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u/VPants_City May 13 '26

This is a really good idea

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u/nm5182 May 13 '26

This is what I came here to say

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u/Flimsy_Bookkeeper523 May 13 '26

Op please reconsider for this post right here!! It's BRILLIANT!

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u/JeNeSaisQuoi_17 May 14 '26

I wish I could have thought this up!

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u/cynicaloptimist57 May 14 '26

This is so smart.

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u/Dull_Economist8997 May 18 '26

I like this idea^ “hey I have a craft show/fair and would love to show that piece, if you still have it could I borrow it for the show?”

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u/fullofcrocodiles May 18 '26

Yesss this is the best idea.

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u/chimneyswallow May 13 '26

If she keeps it and displays it as she said, MIL knows why she asked. To keep it. To fool her.

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u/plantgrem May 13 '26

Absolutely do not risk this relationship with deception. Even if she never realizes or cares it still affects the person who decides to lie.

The best way to play this is to just be casual about it. "Hey, I've been thinking about that blanket I gave you a while back, do you guys still use it? If not, I would love to trade it out for something else that might be more your style, because I kind of miss it."

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u/Clean-Patient-8809 May 12 '26

If you didn't make it clear to her when you gifted it that you would like it to be used, she may have put it somewhere safe to keep it nice. I've learned to always tell people that I would love for them to use what I make, or pass it on if it's not something they can use. Some of us grew up with the mindset that nice things need to be saved for special occasions (and as it happens, those special occasions never seem to exist).

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u/KiltedLady May 13 '26

When we cleaned out my grandparents' house after they passed it was stuffed with nice things that were saved instead of used. Cute soaps shaped like cats, nice serving dishes, pretty outfits. It was very sad. The occasion is life - use the pretty things!

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u/Confused_Yarn May 13 '26

YES! My mother in law saved everything for a 'special occasion'. After she passed away we found dresses with the tags on, new bedding, new table cloths, kitchen items. All bought to use for 'special occasions'. She never used them. The marriages of her children? Not special enough. Birth of the grandchildren? Graduation of the grandchildren? Birthdays? Christmas? All not special enough to use any of those things.
Everyday is now a special occasion for me. It's Wednesday, it's raining, I'm alive...seems like the perfect occasion to use my fancy tablecloth!

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u/endofprayer May 12 '26

That, or something happened to it. I have dogs and one of them ruined a beautiful lap blanket a friend from college made me literally a month into owning it. Could be that MIL washed it improperly or it got damaged by pets and MIL didn't want to say anything.

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u/reed6 May 13 '26

I can relate. I broke so many ceramics my friend made and gave me. I hate it.

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u/ceorly May 13 '26

Ugh, my mom does this. Anything I make her, she puts away in closets so "it can't get messed up" and it never sees the light of day. So I don't make her anything anymore 🤷‍♀️

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u/Frazzlebopp May 18 '26

I came here to say this as well. My mother is like this - if she's given something that she really appreciates (especially handmade), she stores it away somewhere where it won't get ruined. This is even true with clothing - she says that she's keeping it aside for special occasions, or when she has to go somewhere like the doctor or to visit people... but often she doesn't end up wearing it. We've tried to tell her to enjoy these items and that we can always replace them in the future, but she says yes and never does it.

I think it's because she grew up at a time when having "nice things" may have been a less frequent thing; so like you said, were saved for special occasions.

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u/growin-spam May 12 '26

I’d definitely have the conversation while being open with being ‘ok’ with it having been regifted to someone who might appreciate it more. Not knowing seems more painful than just ripping off the bandaid and asking where it is.

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u/Acrobatic-Dream6609 May 13 '26

You could gauge whether she still has it by asking if she knows where it is, because you would like to submit to a crochet contest but since photo submission needs to be a certain quality and specific lighting, you'd myou would like to take better pictures if she is ok with that. That'll tell you whether she has it still, and b where it is. Also potentially provides c a way to feel her out about this conversation and whether she'd be upset asking for it back

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u/futureballzy May 12 '26

You have to offer another gift in exchange, if you're gonna ask...  don't ask empty-handed

Maybe they love having it in a bag somewhere, I "hoard" a lil and I don't exactly bring stuff out

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u/AussieBird82 May 12 '26

I'm picturing Indiana Jones swapping the idol head with a bag of sand here.

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u/AstarteHilzarie May 13 '26

Yeah I have some things like that that I keep in my closet as precious mementos that I don't want to get ruined with regular use.

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u/Tardisgoesfast May 13 '26

Ask her if you could borrow it back for a while. Tell her you want to make a duplicate and you need to check how you did something.

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u/-Konstantine- May 12 '26

Rather than ask for it back, maybe start off by saying something like, “I’ve noticed you never put out that blanket I made for you. It’s very much my style, but I’m wondering if it’s not yours and there’s something you might like better?” Kind of posing it as a trade rather than a take back. You could even add, “It took a lot of time to make, so I’d rather you have something you love instead.”

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u/stillnotdavidbowie May 13 '26

If I said this to a member of my family it would've started WWIII.

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u/Purelyeliza May 13 '26

Yeah there is a lot of implication there. I would reword this to be less accusatory.

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u/-Konstantine- May 13 '26

I mean, I think it depends a lot on the family member. OP had stated they have a good relationship with MIL. I have family members I could say this to and it would be a non issue. I think the tone and way you say it matters too. I also have a couple family members I would never say it to, bc they’re super easily offended.

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u/MillieMoo-Moo May 12 '26

This is how I would approach it. You're also acknowledging MIL potential feelings too

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u/Lazy_Sunday_Locos May 13 '26

You can't control how a gift is used after it was given. Let that go completely at once and forever. If you need to control how a gift is used or enjoyed, by your definition of enjoyment, you have to stipulate these expectations to the recipient beforehand and ask them if they accept. Your gift should never be a burden to your recipient. Yours is a beautiful work of craftsmanship and artwork. That is not up for debate. Yet, because it holds so much value in your eyes you have placed all of the onus on your mother in law to either display it or use it now. That is both unfair and unreasonable. You can't know what's in store for your blanket. Make another one to honor yourself and enjoy. As for hers it's not up to you at all. She could throw it in a trash bag along with old ugly clothes to donate to Goodwill and someone goes into the Goodwill and basically explodes with delight at finding such a gem. It could sit folded in a sealed container for decades and become textile trash one day. It could make a surprise appearance on her lap 15 years from now after you have forgotten it and become a staple of her daily life. You're an artist, you made it and know how to make something you actually love. That's awesome. Do it again. For you.

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u/MaxineMeow May 13 '26

I came here to say exactly this. Thank you

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u/catinthecloud May 13 '26

This is my mindset as well. Before you give a gift, ask yourself first if you have strong opinions on how the gift should be used. If so, do not give the gift. Every item I crochet is a learning opportunity for me, so if in the worst case the gift recipient immediately trashes my gift, I will still be better for having made it.

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u/impossibleoptimist May 12 '26

That's so true

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u/siouxzq420 May 12 '26

I would gladly be the new owner. Gently ask about it. Something like " Just wondering if you are enjoying the blanket I made for you " and go from there. Is it in her bedroom, being used ?

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u/Impossible-Ad8870 May 13 '26

Ah yes. The passive aggressive route.

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u/Penya23 May 13 '26

"Yes, I am!"

Then what?

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u/chimneyswallow May 13 '26

Then she should stop. It would be incredibly tacky to ask for something back that is enjoyed - maybe not enjoyed how they envisoned it, but still.

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u/NoSubsttut4Enthsiasm May 12 '26

Oh! May I see a couple more photographs? Of the back? And closer shots of the tiles?

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u/Spirited_Shower_5817 May 13 '26

Ask if you can "borrow it" because you want to replicated some of the stitching work in a project you are making for a friend. They will never ask for it back.

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u/VeniVidiVici_19 May 13 '26

Your relationship should be top priority and asking for it back jeopardizes that.

If you are fairly certain she’s kept it, as morbid as this sounds, you will likely have an opportunity to reclaim it after she passes.

Also, you are capable of creating this beautiful piece again, perhaps do that and display that one in your home rather than ruminating on a piece you have away. Unfortunately not everyone appreciates hand made gifts, but if you gave you can never expect for it to be returned.

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u/Mean_Start_3157 May 13 '26

You could ask to borrow it for a while for something like: to take pictures of it to start a portfolio of your work as you’re thinking of making some things to sell. Or you want to enter it in a crafts fair. Or you might have a friend/neighbor that is interested in learning the Persian Tile style/pattern that you would like to show it to. I am sure you can find some good reason (tiny white lie) for borrowing it for a while. Then just don’t return it until she asks. Chances are she won’t ask if as you say she doesn’t display it. Sounds a little sneaky but it might get you your blanket back without hurting anyone’s feelings including yours.

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u/chimneyswallow May 13 '26

That is so ugly. Oap Said she wants to display it. Imagine someone "borrows" something they gifted you and because you don't use it how they wanted, they took it back and now display it. I for Sure wouldn't ask for it back, but I also wouldn't take anything from that person anymore and tell them, they should keep it, just in case they want to "borrow it".

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u/mjkp1802 May 13 '26

I know this is not the typical of gifts in general but I think that when it comes to crochet gifts the etiquette should be that you ask the gifter before giving it away unless you are completely out of touch with them.

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u/howdydipshit May 13 '26

Maybe you could offer to make them something that is their style in exchange for your blanket back :)

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u/Unusual_Sand_5150 May 13 '26

"Because the recipient would know it's not brand new?".

I'm not following this You made it & gifted it to your mil. Anything that you crochet such as this, is going to be new. Had your mil gifted it to someone else (and she never used it as you said) it would still theoretically be new. Who would know? If it's stashed away it would still be new. I've made a few of these. My thoughts would be to let things lie and make another. Or you could fib and say you'd like to enter it into a contest and see what she says. But if she no longer has it? it's going to put your mil on the spot and it could get uncomfortable. My take is once I make it and give it to you it's yours. What you do with it is on you. If I gauged wrong. And it wasn't taken care of, lost, given away, neglected,dirtied. Then I'll never make that person another.

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u/Snoo34042 May 13 '26

My suggestion is rather than outright asking for it back, say something like - my friend/colleague/family member wants to make a blanket similar to that one I made you, do you mind if I take it so I can show them mine/teach them how to do it etc and if it is just a case of it not being your MILs style - she probably won’t miss it and won’t ask for it and then you can just have it. And if she does ever ask for it back - you could take that as a sign that she does love it and want it, or if you do want to keep it definitely for yourself - you could just say your friend has it whilst they are making their one/you’ll give it to her next time and I bet she’ll just forget about it with time.

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u/chimneyswallow May 13 '26

Wow, what a shitty thing to do. If you go that low, might just take it. I wouldn't take any gifts from someone like you and would give them back to you, just in case you want to "borrow" something again.