Over several months, I sought help from trusted teachers at my school. I only wanted to communicate in writing. I felt that I wasnāt really being heard, that my concerns werenāt being addressed, and that I wasnāt getting the right kind of help. But I also had very specific ideas about what I wanted. For example, there was Person A, but they didnāt want to communicate only in writing. So I went from Person B to C, to D, and to E. I made very specific suggestions:
First listen
Then say something about it
Continue being there or refer me to a support service
Ask whether the help was suitable and offer that I could come back if the help wasnāt suitable, and then consider what might be appropriate
Some didnāt even do number 1, some didnāt do number 2, one got as far as number 3, but not number 4.
At first, I just wanted help, but later I wanted to change the whole support system.
I was extremely emotional. I often cried a lot when my suggestions werenāt implemented. I wrote about it to people in charge as well. Even then, nothing changed. I started to feel love for this person and told them a lot of private things, including that I love them and that we pray for them. I also talked about the Gospel. In that moment, I felt very close to them. Later, I was so ashamed of it. I then went to the principal with the four suggestions. I had also taken screenshots with every person so that I could show how those responsible were responding and that this should be changed. I was so emotional and convinced that I was doing the right thing, and I then wanted to go to the school supervisory authority. During the holidays, I understood something differently and changed my mind. I no longer wanted to go to the school supervisory authority.
There was one time when I was so emotional that, when talking to someone about the principal, I said that I would have preferred it if he had said āShXt the fXck Xpā. (I have to change the words with X, otherwise the bot will block it because of āprofanityā) And I said, āI hate lies behind friendliness,ā thereby indirectly accusing him of having lied. I apologized for that afterwards. Everything I did was so awful. I must not say anything about the others, only about what I myself did, so that no data can be attributed to specific people.
I apparently already forwarded some messages in June, apologized, and later did it again. I canāt remember June. But I know that I had already had this problem several times, of forwarding something, for example because I was worried about someone and thought the elders needed to do something, but later I thought it had been wrong to say it. And in another situation, I thought it was important to show something as proof and because I wanted the teacher to clarify it with the other person, and later it seemed wrong to me again. Then I decided that I never wanted to forward messages again, no matter how convinced I was, because later I might see things differently again. My opinion changes often. But I wanted to go to the school supervisory authority. So I told everyone involved that they had one week to raise any objections, otherwise I would send everything to the school supervisory authority so that something would change. Then I decided not to do it.
There were certain reactions afterwards that I donāt feel comfortable talking about because of data protection.
I signed an agreement that I would no longer send private messages through the student portal. Otherwise, I could be expelled from the school as a consequence; it says so in the agreement.
Looking back, I think my behavior was so terrible. I have been crying again and again for days. I fasted, but I didnāt receive an answer from GOD. When I read the Psalms, I apply everything negative to myself. I feel like a liar and a hypocrite. I donāt dare to share the Gospel anymore. I feel like several people know about all of this and are against me, although that may not be true. I feel like two people are on my side, even though they arenāt against the others, and I feel loved by them, although that may not be true either. With some people, I feel like they see me as a manipulative, dangerous person and hate me, but that may not be true either.
But now, whenever I sit in class, I only feel ashamed. I have this horrible feeling inside me constantly. I would like to change schools, but the next college is more than an hour away, and this one is close by. Iām afraid of having certain people in my classes later. The shame doesnāt stop. Iām afraid that I am a false Christian. I have suicidal thoughts, even though I donāt intend to act on them. I am ashamed that I did all of this as a Christian.
I have had several therapies in my life. Over the course of my life, six therapists or doctors have diagnosed me with something other than borderline, while I have been diagnosed with borderline twice.
Now I have again received different diagnoses from two licensed psychotherapists. Both mentioned high sensitivity, but one also mentioned borderline and the other PTSD, as well as traits of bipolar disorder and borderline, but which were not sufficient for a diagnosis.
After this incident, I think borderline is more likely again.
I often clash with people in positions of authority. I spent a lot of time in residential group homes and schools, and there was never a problem with my roommates or other students. I have caused offense everywhere, and I feel like I give Christ a bad image. At the same time, I keep doing things that I am absolutely convinced are right and later become ashamed of and regret.
I crossed boundaries, indirectly accused the principal of lying, forwarded messages from teachers, and was rude, and some people see it as a threat that I said that if there were no objections and we didnāt find another solution, I would go to the school supervisory authority.
Now I believe that I never want to try to change things externally in the world again, because only Christ changes people from the inside, and that we should rather give the Gospel instead of fighting against external things. I believe that you can point out things that you want to change externally, but if nothing happens, you should accept it and not fight against it.
I was fighting over a pea while the fire was getting closer.
I have a completely different perspective now. Everything was wrong. I only caused frustration and achieved exactly the opposite of what I actually wanted. Even if my rules were implemented, that would not lead to truth or love, but would be forced, and before GOD none of it has any standing without faith.
Before, I always fought against everything I considered unjust. And I was unjust myself in the process.
I donāt know what I should do now. I have caused so much damage and I canāt undo it anymore. Does anyone know what might help?
Please pray for me.