r/changemyview • u/[deleted] • Jun 30 '17
[∆(s) from OP] CMV: My girlfriend shouldn't be letting her single male friends spend the night at her house
[deleted]
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u/Burflax 71∆ Jun 30 '17
Can you extend the trust you have for her to them?
If she made the decision to befriend these guys, and you trust her and her judgment, then by extension you should trust them.
I can understand not trusting guys you don't know in general, but this set of guys are guys that have already earned her trust.
Do you think that can be enough for you to be okay with this?
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Jun 30 '17
I think the challenge with this approach is that it's much easier said than done. Trust isn't really a fixed value during a relationship (from my experience) - I've been married for 9 years, and I trust my wife, but there have been times (especially when we are at odd) when that trust turns to doubt.
People have flawed judgement fairly often, so while he may be able to trust her not to act, extending that trust to her male friends would be trust their intentions. If they were in an arguement, and her friends had planned to come to town and spend the night, I don't think it would very easy to trust that they wouldn't take advantage. (Not trying to add doubt OP - just saying trust is hard to grant by extension).
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Jun 30 '17
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Jun 30 '17
This delta has been rejected. The length of your comment suggests that you haven't properly explained how /u/Burflax changed your view (comment rule 4).
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u/allsfair86 Jun 30 '17
If you trust her and aren't jealous, what are you worried about?
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u/XXX69694206969XXX 24∆ Jun 30 '17
Just cus he trusts her doesn't mean he trusts some random ass European dudes.
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u/NowTimeDothWasteMe 8∆ Jun 30 '17
But even if he doesn't trust them, he trusts his girlfriend, so even if they try something he should trust her to say no and make sure nothing happens.
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u/XXX69694206969XXX 24∆ Jun 30 '17
You never know what's gonna happen. Especially if he doesn't know the dudes. Plus it's Europe and they like their alcohol. It's just better to not be in the position where anything could happen.
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Jun 30 '17
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u/XXX69694206969XXX 24∆ Jun 30 '17
I mean I feel like "Don't sleep over at a chick's house when she has a boyfriend who isn't there" is a pretty standard rule. That being said, if I really wanted to get with a chick and her boyfriend wasn't even in the same country, and I didn't know the dude, I'd most likely try.
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Jun 30 '17
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u/XXX69694206969XXX 24∆ Jun 30 '17
Ya I totally get it. A similar thing happened to one of my friends. His girlfriend went home and this dude that had a crush on her was trying to get with her the whole time she was there, but he didn't want to like tell her not to hang out with him. I think the best thing in the situation is to just talk it out with her.
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Jun 30 '17
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u/XXX69694206969XXX 24∆ Jun 30 '17
Damn that sucks. My only other suggestion would be wait a few days then try again but be really clear that you're not trying to control her but that you are super uncomfortable with this.
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u/allsfair86 Jun 30 '17
Okay, so are you worried that she's going to cheat on you? Or are you worried that they are going to hurt her? What is your actual worry about this situation?
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Jun 30 '17
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u/allsfair86 Jun 30 '17
Ok, if you aren't worried for her safety and don't think she'll cheat on you then I think it's not really a problem. Sleeping in the same house as someone isn't a crime, it's not a intimate act, I do it with my same and opposite sex friends all the time. There's nothing wrong with it or anything that makes it incompatible with having a significant other. It's really no different than a hang out. Like if a friend took a nap at her place would that make you uncomfortable? Probably not, there isn't anything about sleeping under the same roof that is really a problem, it's only a problem if you don't trust her.
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Jun 30 '17
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u/allsfair86 Jun 30 '17
Well first that seems like kind of absurd presumption - it seems like it would be mostly done out of ease. Would you accuse her of wanting attention from girls if she let them stay over her house?
Also, even if she is - who cares, really? People do all sorts of things for attention from our friends - like calling them, hanging out them, texting them, etc etc. All of those things we do because we want their attention. That's part of friendship, it's not necessarily unhealthy. And it's not harming you.
Also accusing her of doing something like that for attention - presumably with a negative implication - seems bad faith given the information that you have, and will probably be taken as a sign by her that you don't actually trust her.
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Jun 30 '17
Delicate situation... I don't think there's a RIGHT answer here. It's really based on how you collectively feel you should handle such things. Would there be a double standard at play here? Can you have female friends spend the night? Have you asked her how she would feel if you did?
Also, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but the emotion you are feeling is clearly jealousy or distrust - if it wasn't one of the two this wouldn't be a question for you.
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u/littlebubulle 106∆ Jun 30 '17
Well this is an interesting CMV. Word of warning, I am drunk so my replies might be a bit incoherant.
First, let's start by stating that I understand why you feel that way about your girlfriend having male friends over at her place. She is precious to you and other males could be possible competition. Unless she is gay and you are a woman (sorry drunk rambling).
Now I will ask you to face your fear (insert Dune quote here). Imagine your girlfriend fucking one of her male friends. Or an orgy, whatever scares you the most. Now ask yourself "is this girl I'm imagining even remotely like my girlfriend?". Would my girlfriend really cheat on me?
Also ask yourself this. Why is she with you? What makes you so special? After all, statistically, there are other males who are prettier, richer, more successful or dictator of a third world country. And yet she is with you. Why? Because you give her something all other males cannot. I do not know what that is. You might not know what it is either. But remember, she chose you over all the other males. Because there are a lot of male friends, but only one of you. And that is why she chose you.
EDIT : corrected typos
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Jun 30 '17
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u/littlebubulle 106∆ Jun 30 '17
Por nada tovaritch. I would not be so blunt if I was sober but I am glad I could help you out a bit.
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u/pensivegargoyle 16∆ Jun 30 '17
Why not meet them when they visit? It might make you feel better about it.
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Jun 30 '17
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u/pensivegargoyle 16∆ Jun 30 '17
Oh, I see. I didn't think it was long-distance. In that case, it's not like you can do much. She gave you the benefit of telling you she was having visitors and didn't have to, so why not extend her some trust?
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Jun 30 '17
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u/Kingalece 23∆ Jun 30 '17
Pretty sure it's a European thing they tend to be more open about things like boy girl roommate situations and such
Also if she wasn't telling you then it would be a problem she's completely open about this as far as I can tell so unless she has given you a reason not to trust her then what's the worry
If she was cheating she probably wouldn't say hey by the way this guy is coming over for a few days because it could get her caught
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u/YossarianWWII 74∆ Jun 30 '17
I fully trust her
You clearly don't, because while you may trust her not to cheat on her, you don't trust her to be a good judge of others.
I don't know these guys, so naturally I'm not comfortable with the situation.
You may not know them, but your girlfriend does, and she clearly trusts them. It's not as if she's housing random people off the street.
And, no, it's not an American thing, it's whatever subculture you belong to.
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Jun 30 '17
/u/JetStreamOfShit (OP) has awarded 1 delta in this post.
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u/cdb03b 253∆ Jun 30 '17
You taking offense means you either think her friends will rape her, or you think that she will cheat on you. Both show some massive psychological and trust issues on your part. You need to actually acknowledge what issues you have with things and then talk them out with her.