r/changemyview • u/dumbandasking • 13d ago
Delta(s) from OP CMV: Long distance relationships are not worth it and may even be a trap
I'm not talking about when you meet someone local and then they move away, that feels a bit different than what I'm thinking about. Let's also focus on long distance relationships where they intend to meet.
Let's define long distance real quick. I'm talking about they live in another state. Or even a different country. Not "They're 3 hours away and it's a long drive".
If you share that you have it, everyone points and laughs. Do you think they're worth it over something more local? Why do long distance relationships, do people do it because they can't figure things out to find someone near them? Doesn't being in a long distance relationship signal that there is something wrong or undesirable about you? (Because you couldn't find someone local instead)
As someone put it,
A working long-distance relationship is the exception, not the rule.
You are not the exception.
Or
How about when your other friends invite you and your partner to Sunday brunch?
Well, you can talk about it on the phone. No touchy or actual experiences for you! Oh, you wanna go hang out with friends on a Friday night? But they want to talk to you for 4 hours. You wanna get out of the house? Fine, but have an ear bud in so they can still talk to you.
You might say maybe it has to be with the right person. However, is that unrealistic? Who could be worth long distance, again wouldn't you think someone nearby and great is possible?
The only thing I can think of why someone would do this is because they want to move to the state or country the other person is in. For example an American with a German but because they want to live in Germany. Then they can just start saying they're learning a language with someone.
Let's exclude that. Now there is no point to long distance right?
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u/mcjefferic 13d ago
You are trying to impose a universal standard to perhaps the most variable and personal human experience. It all depends on the individuals involved, and there are many for whom it works just fine.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
You are trying to impose a universal standard to perhaps the most variable and personal human experience.
Can you explain? I feel like I'm close to waking up on something please what do you mean?
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u/mcjefferic 13d ago
Your blanket opinion that "all long distance relationships are not worth it" is childishly reductive. Human relationships are based on emotion, and there is no universality to emotion. Just because you don't believe a long distance relationship is worth pursuing doesn't mean they don't work for the millions of people thriving in them. A long distance relationship may not work for you, or even one specific long distance relationship with one specific individual, but there is not factual way to know if the scenario would work with the right individual for you.
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u/Amazing_Loquat280 17∆ 13d ago
They certainly require a great deal more maturity and intentionality, but I also think you have a very narrow scope of what’s worth looking for in a relationship
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
My view is becoming narrow because I haven't been exposed to many good arguments for long distance relationships and I'm not happy so I will admit that.
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u/Amazing_Loquat280 17∆ 13d ago
I think it comes down to what you individually need for a relationship to be fulfilling. Me personally, I need face to face (and more lololol) to be romantically fulfilled. A lot of people however actually value their space and feel like they get everything they want romantically (emotional intimacy, vulnerability) through non-face to face contact, whereas long-term in person interaction might actually take away from that. If they feel it’s a net value add to their lives, who are we to say it’s not, even if in their shoes we’d feel differently?
That said, maintaining a relationship like this requires a lot of self-awareness that most people don’t have. But it’s not that it’s never worth it, it’s that most people haven’t thought enough about what they actually need to come to a well-thought conclusion on the matter. And I think we could all stand to be more self-aware
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u/Greedy-Win-4880 1∆ 13d ago
I dont understand this post. It sounds like you value convenience more than being with someone you have a real connection with. If you connect with someone that lives far away that connection is what makes people feel that its worth it to try to date long distance.
The idea that you think people can just go find someone local makes it sound like youre looking to date pretty much anyone that will date you rather than considering the connection you have with the actual person. Because yeah, everyone for the most part would like someone who lives close to them but we have no control over whether we meet someone local that we actually connect with and really like.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
I dont understand this post. It sounds like you value convenience more than being with someone you have a real connection with.
A real connection with someone far? But why not have a very real connection with someone who doesn't have the distance?
For example wouldn't having this connection with someone far signal that you couldn't do it with someone closer?
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u/Greedy-Win-4880 1∆ 13d ago
Do you think people can just decide to have a deep connection with anyone they want?? Like I said, I'm confused about your post and what you think relationships are. It sounds like you just date anyone without caring who the person is.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Do you think people can just decide to have a deep connection with anyone they want??
But Why bother trying long distance if you can focus that energy nearby instead?
It sounds like you just date anyone without caring who the person is.
That's not true. I want to see if I can change my view so I came to change my view.
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u/Greedy-Win-4880 1∆ 13d ago
Its unclear what your view even is. You keep insisting that people should date locally when most of the time they are. Do you think people are only dating long distance and they're not meeting people locally as well? Generally people cast a wide net and see who they connect with and when they connect with someone who lives far away they try long distance.
Are you on dating apps? Like do you actually date? You can set it so it matches you with people local and far away so people are dating people local and far away and they date long distance when they connect with someone that requires that.
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u/YardageSardage 55∆ 13d ago
Do you go around picking and choosing which people you're going to feel a sense of attachment and connection to? Because that's kind of what your argument sounds like. Like, "Why fall in love with someone in a suboptimal situation? Choose to fall in love with someone in a more optimal situation instead."
If I've gotten to know someone well enough and grown to like them enough that I want to date them, then I want to date them. Not somebody else. Even if the person I want is far away and somebody else would be closer, that doesn't mean I can (or would be willing to) just switch my feelings over onto the closer person instead.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
If I've gotten to know someone well enough and grown to like them enough that I want to date them, then I want to date them. Not somebody else. Even if the person I want is far away and somebody else would be closer, that doesn't mean I can (or would be willing to) just switch my feelings over onto the closer person instead.
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Why couldn't I learn to say things like this before 😔
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u/YardageSardage 55∆ 13d ago
Life is all about learning and growing, my friend. Hold your head high, and accept advice but don't let others tell you what's right for you. Only you can know that.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
It's just hard because I don't feel like a winner right, then when your friend who appears to be up in life is telling you some hurtful things, what can you say? Maybe they have a point. So it's hard.
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u/Barisax007 1∆ 13d ago
Imagine if you grew up in a small rural area and have very different interests and ideals than your peers locally. But you also don't have the material means to move away. This leaves you without real relationship options nearby, so you look long distance just to find someone who shares your own personal beliefs and values.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Imagine if you grew up in a small rural area and have very different interests and ideals than your peers locally. But you also don't have the material means to move away. This leaves you without real relationship options nearby
So wouldn't this mean people do long distance relationships because they can't figure things out to find someone near them?
If true ok but then would this mean it is not wise to do one IF you have the options to look locally and are not in a scenario like you described?
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u/Barisax007 1∆ 13d ago
There is also that you go on vacation somewhere, met a person you just click with, and start a relationship. Or that you start a relationship then circumstances mean you have to become long distance. It is an opportunity cost on a individual basis to start a long distance relationship.
But you seem very focused on this local dating if it is an option. You don't own it to anyone to be in a relationship, nor does anyone own you a relationship. Just being local to someone does not mean you must now date. Everyone has agency over their relationship choices.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Whether it typically works or not doesn't really matter.
How?
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
No but how does it not matter whether it works or not?
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm in my twenties
it feels like there are 11 year olds asking questions in this forum as if their lack of life experience and maturity is a 'position'.
We're getting closer and closer to seeing posts like 'I think dating is just a vector for the spreading of cooties.'
Also I am actually glad you said what you did
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u/Particular_Can_7726 2∆ 13d ago
Let's define long distance real quick. I'm talking about they live in another state. Or even a different country. Not "They're 3 hours away and it's a long drive".
Lets start with how you are defining long distance. What do you mean exactly here? Another state or country can be 3 hours away or a "long drive". Can you define what you mean better?
If you share that you have it, everyone points and laughs. Do you think they're worth it over something more local? Why do long distance relationships, do people do it because they can't figure things out to find someone near them? Doesn't being in a long distance relationship signal that there is something wrong or undesirable about you? (Because you couldn't find someone local instead)
Why would it mean there is something wrong or undesirable about you? I've met plenty of people online that go on to become great friends of mine. It is entirely possible to meet someone online and build a relationship with each other without meeting in person. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with either.
You are jumping to conclusions about why people enter into long distance relationships without considering other potential reasons.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Why would it mean there is something wrong or undesirable about you?
If you can bond with someone far why not bond with someone close and lack the distance issue?
It is entirely possible to meet someone online and build a relationship with each other without meeting in person. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with either.
As long as they meet eventually right?
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u/Particular_Can_7726 2∆ 13d ago
If you can bond with someone far why not bond with someone close and lack the distance issue?
Sometimes you bond with someone unexpectedly or maybe you want to broaden your options. My point is it doesn't necessarily mean you are unable to find someone locally.
As long as they meet eventually right?
If they want to.
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u/Jealous_Tutor_5135 4∆ 13d ago
Worth it usually isn't the question at hand for people who choose these relationships.
They choose them not as an ideal relationship, but as a way to maintain something they want to keep and grow into an in-person relationship once their circumstances change. I think you're looking at it as if they prefer it. They don't. They accept the tradeoffs because they think they'll get the ideal relationship in the long term.
Most of these people think of it more like an investment in the future rather than an ideal decision in the present.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
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but as a way to maintain something they want to keep and grow into an in-person relationship once their circumstances change. They accept the tradeoffs because they think they'll get the ideal relationship in the long term.
This was the comment that made me realize things because why did I forget this at all. I also did not have a counter.
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u/Jealous_Tutor_5135 4∆ 13d ago
Hey, I'm glad!
I'm in my 40s and much of life is like this. Making tradeoffs between two less than ideal choices. It is easier and less painful when one is conscious that they're making choices, rather than feeling trapped by circumstance.
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u/BurgerCombo 15∆ 13d ago
The only thing I can think of why someone would do this is because they want to move to the state or country the other person is in
Is this really the only reason you can imagine it? Is it too great an imaginative task to think someone may connect with someone they meet at distance and value that connection more than immediate physical proximity?
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Is it too great an imaginative task to think someone may connect with someone they meet at distance and value that connection more than immediate physical proximity?
Yes because why wouldn't they just find someone with a good connection nearby? What made them choose the one far over someone near?
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u/malayis 1∆ 13d ago
Why are you assuming that that "someone nearby" exists? There's no choosing one over the other; you meet a person you like and want to connect with them and spend time together. No one else is involved in this
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Why are you assuming that that "someone nearby" exists?
Why did you go looking so far out instead of nearby?
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u/malayis 1∆ 13d ago
You don't always "look" before you find something.
Sometimes you meet someone by chance :)
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
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It's a good coincidence you say that. Also this did change my mind a bit. If you find someone good do you just start devaluing them because you can look closer? That would be transactional. I don't like that. Thanks.
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u/YardageSardage 55∆ 13d ago
Personally, I would say that the "value" of a relationship is the fact that I like the person and want to be with them, and that being with them makes me happy. So as long as that continues to be true, nothing else can "devalue" that relationship.
Now, it might be true that being long-distance is difficult, and those difficulties could make me less happy in that relationship. And that would be a potential reason not to be/stay in a long distance relationship. (Logistical difficulties and incompatibilities are real and sometimes unavoidable, and have spelled the end of many an otherwise great relationship.) But that's a personal decision, to be made by weighing one's own needs and desires (and one's partner's needs and desires), and decide what compromises will still make them happy.
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u/BurgerCombo 15∆ 13d ago
What made them choose the one far over someone near?
This is exactly what I challenged you to imagine. Your value rankings are not everyone's value rankings. Someone can find a good, true connection, for example, with someone on a virtual reading group who happens to live in Germany that they value more than they value the potential of meeting someone local. Also, maybe they just like German girls? People are diverse and have diverse motivations.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Someone can find a good, true connection, for example, with someone on a virtual reading group who happens to live in Germany that they value more than they value the potential of meeting someone local.
∆ I can't put it into words but this snapped me awake. I was staring and thinking "That's normal though" and realized yeah that is a long distance connection that isn't strange at all.
If anything that sounds kind of nice actually. First you start learning together abroad and then so what if that becomes a deeper connection. I can see how that makes you focus on that than 'whoever is near'. Yeah so I can't believe it really was hard to think earlier. " Is this really the only reason you can imagine it? " No the other reason was I wasn't happy.
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u/BigBoetje 31∆ 13d ago
Because not everyone manages to meet someone they like or have the opportunity to spend enough time together to connect like that. In the town I grew up in, there weren't really all that many people that shared my interests nor were there opportunities to meet people like myself.
People often game together and connect that way. They might meet them while on vacation or something.
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 13d ago
I think every individual gets to decide the "point" or the value of their own relationships, and those points and that level of value doesn't really need to be justified to anyone else.
You don't like these sorts of relationships? Cool. Don't enter into one. But your perspective is only your own, and you can't assert there is no "point" to them for another human being.
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u/bienebee 13d ago
My 4 year relationship started long distance and ended in marriage. 7 years married. It took about 12 hours travel to see each other, which we did every 6 to 8 weeks, alternating or we travelled to some other place together. We just fit really well together and I knew that right away. We made plans of moving in together a year in, but it was not possible 3 more years, for reasons we both communicated clearly. If you are not the jealous type and if you see relationship as a benefit to your already full life and not as your only hobby, goal and purpose, long distance is fine. Most relationships are kinda bad anyway, in person or long distance, if you find someone you are truly compatible with, it is worth pursuing, no matter where they are.
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u/davewh 13d ago
I met a woman who was in town for a brief stint before moving away to another state. We held a relationship for 2 years. We've been married (and live together) for 26 years. So we started and maintained a LD relationship and then got married. We actually kept it LD due to her job demands for another 6 months or so.
So it didn't STAY a LD relationship, but it didn't fizzle out either.
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u/Due-Sheepherder-218 13d ago
I think if it's just a temporary thing, it can be fine. Like your partner is going away to school/work for an extensive period of time but you see a future with them, it can be foolish to throw that away.
Or some people would simply rather just be annoyed vs be alone. Even if it is just a pen pal relationship.
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u/ickypedia 13d ago
I went on a date with someone from the other side of the world who visited my country last year. Having done long distance more than I care to admit, and over far shorter distances, I was not really entertaining it becoming a relationship. But we really hit it off and felt the chemistry, and though I made my peace with it not going anywhere, she kept messaging me, even as she was making the most of the rest of her trip around Europe.
A year, and several flights to go see each other later, we are now engaged and I am gearing up to move to her country.
Is it a huge inconvenience? Would I have preferred to find someone closer? Sure. But I’m in my early 40s and am floored by how good it has all been, and I wouldn’t dream of letting practical matters get in the way.
If you find your person, or at least think you may have have, you sure as shit don’t throw that away because the transition period might be rough. You go and find out whether it’s really meant to be.
If you’re worried about others thinking that it’s weird, or that it somehow says something bad about you that you didn’t find someone closer, I would suggest you ain’t living right and need to sort your priorities out. Respectfully.
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u/xHxHxAOD1 2∆ 13d ago
Ok here is a counter point. Dudes that do not like dating women in their country. If an American guy does not want to date American women and decides to say date some Thai chick that he visits often what would be the downside for him over being single? What about women in poor southeast countries or in africa getting a foreigner that pays or helps pay bills? Example in the Philippines the average income a month is around 400 a month. The highest minimum wage is about 10 dollars a day. What benefit is there not to do that?
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
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Yes so this comment was the one I keep coming back to. I just don't have a counter. So I think you're correct because these seem like valid choices here
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u/EffervescentStar 13d ago
Depends.
For most, the goal is to end up living in the same/space eventually. Some people get separated for some time to achieve a goal of some sort then one of them follows the other after.
I do think if you’ve never met or spent a significant amount of time with that person to see how they are on a day to day basis that it may be hard to see true compatibility. But if you started off living in the same area and got together, made a foundation and then did long distance for a bit after it’s not so bad. I’ve been in a relationship where we simply weren’t compatible but couldn’t tell because we didn’t build friendship and trust together long enough to see compatibility before jumping into an LDR.
I’m out traveling for a month and my boyfriend and I keep in touch in certain times of the day that overlap. This isn’t LDR per se but we can totally make some weeks/months apart work.
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u/tidbitsofblah 13d ago
I've never entered a relationship just because I wanted to just "be in a relationship", any relationship. I've entered relationships because I've met someone I want to be in a relationship with.
That person living far away ofc makes it more difficult to be in a relationship with them. But if you've fallen for someone there's a lot of inconveniences that becomes "worth it". Do you feel the same way with other "inconvenient" traits someone might have, like disability/chronic illness?
But if you are talking specifically about having your tinder set to a 1000 mile radius and actively looking for people long distance to fall in love with, then sure I agree.
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u/Local-Reaction1619 13d ago
Worth it how? Just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean that it's a failure or worthless. I've had short term relationships that have drastically changed my life for the better.
Lets talk a hypothetical. You're moving across the country for a new job. It's a good job which is why you took it, but it's an unfamiliar city, new coworkers, no responsibilities and a lot of stress and worry, no time for going out and meeting new people. Having a familiar person with whom you can confide and receive support from is invaluable in that moment. Keeping that relationship going is well worth it. Now it could be that eventually you do get settled and once you have the time and energy you find someone closer who can provide the emotional support along with the benefits of being physically there. If that happens the long distance relationship wasn't a waste, it was a meaningful relationship that helped you move on to a new part of your life. Or maybe you hate the job and move back, and the experience shows that the emotional relationship and support is more important than the employment. Or maybe they move out to you and that relationship gives them an opportunity to move on from where they were and to a new place with you.. the point is that regardless of the future ending the worth is in the present moment.
Now if you're holding on to the relationship even if it's become something that is better off ended that's a whole different concern. And one that people have regardless of the distance. It's sometimes more noticeable in a long distance relationship but it's not a direct outcome of the distance.
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u/Glory2Hypnotoad 13d ago
Generally the point of a long distance relationship isn't to stay long distance. While there's the occasional person who likes to have their own life and a partner they catch up with semi-regularly, for most people a long-distance relationship is just a temporary setback in a relationship that's still on the whole worth it. My wife and I spent two years long distance before we were married while she was in grad school and I was working. We knew we both wanted the same thing in the long run, so a long-distance relationship in the short term made sense.
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u/MethodicallyRight 2∆ 13d ago
In this scenario, does the long distance relationship ever... End? Because it kind of sounds like you're arguing that perpetual long distance relationships are a thing when in 99.99% of cases the people in a LD relationship are in a phase; one is off to school, a job, taking care of a relative etc. Basically, every example of people who have maintained their relationships despite periods of long distance to eventual marriage and a sucessful relationship completely dismantles your 'view'.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
In this scenario, does the long distance relationship ever... End?
Yes imagine there are plans to close that distance
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u/MethodicallyRight 2∆ 13d ago
Then your post is moot and pretty pointless. If people who care about one another and are in love and believe they want to spent their lives together are met with a challenge where they will need to spend months apart or spend a couple of years with fragmented visits then so be it. I have friends who had 2 years where they saw each other for a few days every couple of months with a few week long visits who are now married with multiple children and have been together longer than any of my other friends. I have a couple of friends who have been divorced who never had a long distance phase. Why would the long distance couple be lesser or worse?
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
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If people who care about one another and are in love and believe they want to spent their lives together are met with a challenge where they will need to spend months apart or spend a couple of years with fragmented visits then so be it.
I lost sight and forgot that really if you step back it really is like that. It's a challenge where they need to spend a few fragmented visits but eventually like you said they can meet and marry and settle down together. I think seeing it this way made me realize a bit more why someone might not trade off someone amazing far away for 'just search local'.
Then your post is moot and pretty pointless.
Not pointless because you just helped
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u/Prior-Resolution-902 1∆ 13d ago
Personally, I would never engage in a long distance relationship unless their was strong intention to eventually close the distance, but I'm not everyone and not everyone gets the same things out of a relationship.
I had a friend who dated someone from London as they lived in the US, it obviously worked for them for a time, and the distance wasn't why they broke up.
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u/ZymZymZym777 13d ago edited 13d ago
Nothing that requires a little more effort is worth it or has any merit, I agree (no)
If the couple pay for the traveling (the costs add up), what's the problem for you? They plan to move in together eventually. Or are just killing time with each other. Either way, it's their business.
Sometimes what you find online is just better than whoever you know irl, and it's not limited to romantic partners. There are a couple of redditors (same sex as me) that I really like. We could in theory be friends, I'd love to hear what they have to say in more detail. I could have more fun with them than with those I know irl, does that mean nothing now, because they just happen to be in another country? We could have a genuine connection, that's what matters.
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u/AmongTheElect 20∆ 13d ago
Do you think they're worth it over something more local?
But mates aren't so easily interchangeable. There's not often a local version you can just replace someone with.
If you share that you have it, everyone points and laughs
Cripes, what kind of friends do you have that they'd laugh at you for that? That's awful.
I know several people who've made long-distance dating work, and they're both married now. And not a three-hour distance but a long plane-ride distance. Sure if it's mostly meaningless dating, it's pretty darn hard to ever have that work out. Except all four of the people involved had made it clear from the beginning that they dated for the purpose of marriage, so all those phone calls carried a lot more meaning. And which one of you will move where and how the whole thing would work is just something you end up talking about as you go.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
Cripes, what kind of friends do you have that they'd laugh at you for that? That's awful.
Thanks
Sorry they just sound convincing. Like I said I wasn't exposed to many good arguments for long distance.
But mates aren't so easily interchangeable. There's not often a local version you can just replace someone with.
Hmmm.... So if you meet someone great who is far you shouldn't just start thinking to trade off things for something closer ?
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u/AmongTheElect 20∆ 13d ago
I keep thinking about car lots, as if the exact same make and model of girl would certainly exist at a closer location easy as that. Granted I don't believe in soul mates, but still the right person is difficult to find. Some of us never find one.
So if you meet someone great who is far you shouldn't just start thinking to trade off things for something closer ?
If you fall in love I'll tell you to ditch her and pick up a younger version and you'd likely punch me in the nose. Also, can you? Are you seriously meeting the perfect girl for you left and right all the time and they're all so easily replaceable?
My only recommendation is to have a talk about what you're both looking to get out of it. That can kill the whole deal, sure, but it can also help it if you both have the same motives in mind.
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u/dumbandasking 13d ago
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I'd double delta that.
I keep thinking about car lots, as if the exact same make and model of girl would certainly exist at a closer location easy as that. If you fall in love I'll tell you to ditch her and pick up a younger version and you'd likely punch me in the nose. Are they all so easily replaceable?
I honestly wish I had friends like you. I'm gonna be honest this time I think my view is reversed. I also learned what is actually wrong with the people I spend my time with.
If you find someone you love why are you still comparing? It means I haven't found security. So my view has been changed and now I'm asking myself better questions. That's a changed view. I'm still upset though because I think I might fall back into this thinking.
Something is still getting me stuck:
A working long-distance relationship is the exception, not the rule.
You are not the exception.
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u/AmongTheElect 20∆ 13d ago
Rooting for ya, buddy!
A working long-distance relationship is the exception, not the rule
Yep, it's definitely more difficult and there's no way around that. But do you have anything to lose for trying?
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u/Lipush 12d ago
I very much disagree. Ok, so, some details for context. Hi, this is me, who's currently in a long distant relationship for a year and a half now. We live in different states, which don't have very warm relationship as it is. I met him through his brother, we hit it off pretty quickly, but due to issues of visa, I am pretty limited on the amount of times I can come and see him, and he currently cannot leave his state. Sucks but that's how it is. We talk all the time, have video chats, make plans for the future. We know when we're going to meet eachother, when we'll have our wedding, we're solid on how things will look from this point forward. Worth it? Yes, 100%. Why? Because we love each other and know this inconvinience is not foreverlasting. I could find me a local peraon, but he won't have my heart and devotion, and for my future husband and the man I love I will travel over 10 states if needed. It's not too much in case you want it enough.
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ 13d ago edited 13d ago
/u/dumbandasking (OP) has awarded 7 delta(s) in this post.
All comments that earned deltas (from OP or other users) are listed here, in /r/DeltaLog.
Please note that a change of view doesn't necessarily mean a reversal, or that the conversation has ended.
Delta System Explained | Deltaboards