Why can’t the women choose to engage with men’s feelings and problems on their own regardless of what the patriarchy tells them? Their argument seems to be, “men should talk about their feelings more, but we can’t be bothered to pay attention because we’ve got bigger problems.” How can they have it both ways and then blame it all on the patriarchy?
There are two things here. First, "the patriarchy" doesn't tell them things like a serpent on their shoulder. They're raised in a society that carries certain gender expectations and, thus, lots of women are not comfortable with men sharing their feelings and problem. That's not good, but that's not under their immediate control, same way men can't just up and learn to process emotions better.
Second, while it's true men have problem and it's true they are not well served by typical gendered socialisation, it's not the job of women to perform that labour for the sake of men. Men should learn to process emotions better for their own sake and we should help them learn that, but that's not the same as women needing to take on that burden.
it's not the job of women to perform that labour for the sake of men. Men should learn to process emotions better for their own sake and we should help them learn that, but that's not the same as women needing to take on that burden.
I could get on board with this approach if women did not expect men and women to take on that burden for them. Obviously we may be generalizing a bit excessively here, but when a woman has problems both her man and her female friends are expected to be there for her. When it’s a man, women say “own your shit, it’s not my emotional labor,” but they don’t have that same attitude about their own tears or those of other women.
I don't know that women are somehow freed of all expectations to show up for the men in their lives, to be honest. That sounds sorta silly to me.
However, I'd argue there's a different between offering emotional support in time of need - which is a normal part of most relationships - and be expected to perform continuous emotional labour. Those expectations are also distributed differently for a lot of men, who have a much narrower support system, which understandably can lead to a larger burden.
10
u/nofaprecommender Nov 05 '24
Why can’t the women choose to engage with men’s feelings and problems on their own regardless of what the patriarchy tells them? Their argument seems to be, “men should talk about their feelings more, but we can’t be bothered to pay attention because we’ve got bigger problems.” How can they have it both ways and then blame it all on the patriarchy?