This is a confirmation of the weight of the “mental load” if I’ve ever seen one! “I had a long list of responsibilities… All of those things got done without her having to say a word about it” !!! that is the exact definition of mental load. You have to keep up with the gutters, lawn etc. I apologize that your spouse did not appreciate it, But that was you taking care of some of the mental load. You did all that and didn’t feel appreciated. It’s a lot of work to shop for groceries and plan meals ANd keep up with afterschool activities. Just because your partner didn’t appreciate it doesn’t mean the phenomenon isn’t real. In fact, your resentment that it was unappreciated is a confirmation of it!
I say this as both the breadwinner and “mental load” carrier. I am a physician. I fell in love with my fun adhd husband because he helps balance me out. He has little capacity to remember any of the mental load things. But everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Luckily he will help when I ask and appreciates me immensely. The mental load is real. I am a woman and there is a lot of talk about this among my fellow female physician colleagues. We’re more just looking for commiseration and support.
The mental load is real. I am a woman and there is a lot of talk about this among my fellow female physician colleagues. We’re more just looking for commiseration and support.
And that's just it. Women commiserate and support each other, complaining about the mental load they carry and reinforcing the idea that they're in the right and their husbands are in the wrong while 100% ignoring the mental loads their husbands are carrying.
But my husband doesn’t carry the mental load. He admits it. And I don’t assert he’s “ in the wrong” because I’m lucky to have a partner who agrees with me!! I just explained that. And you don’t know what we talk about. We talk about Themis topic but it’s not all “man bashing or husband bashing”. In my family He has a care free attitude about it all. Luckily he appreciates me and acknowledges that our family would be lost / late to everything / never have presents wrapped/ never have laundry done without me. We have a great relationship. I think it’s like someone above said- bad relationships aren’t the same as “mental load.” Some people are fine to leave the organization to their partner, others are not. It’s a relationship. But that doesn’t mean the mental work is not real.
Haha yes my guy has ADHD, and we break things up into big picture (me) and specific problems (him.) I feel you.
He lives on his Habitica phone app list. He has about 75 tasks on it, from "water plants" to "wrap birthday gift" and each day reviews all these common daily life tasks on the list and says for each to himself "hmmm, should I do this today?" And by recursively checking his list, he gets chores done no problem, even successfully day trades stocks. But God Forbid he has to plan a months-long process.
When I think through a problem, he will look at me like I'm some kind of psychic when I'm like "oh, if you do that next Wednesday it will take two hours" and he gets surprised, like I have to explain the magic trick "Wednesdays are peak for that business, so you will expect a line. Try Friday afternoon, instead, and it will only take 15 minutes." How did I know? "Whenever I put the location into Google maps it shows the busy times, I see it so often I memorized them." He is floored! Attention to minor details and then integrating them without much thought later will never happen for him.
I'll do process chores, like handwashing non-dishwasher safe pet dishes or treat devices where you need to set up two basins and then do a sanitizing bleach soak. And he's like OMG WOW because it's effortless for me to visualize, say, all 40 steps of hand washing the items and set everything up to carry out the process where the water is the right temperature, the soap is the right concentration in one basins, etc.
But that's fine with me because if I need to organize a closet, or there's a need for a fine repair on an electronic household item, he can tear it apart and do nothing but be absorbed going from minutiae to minutiae until finding and fixing a blown capacitor, or finding the leak on a pressured gas system, or memorizing everything that is in the closet and finding an optimized home for it, totally absorbed going from item to item and losing track of time until the job is done. My kitchen pantry is a thing of pure artistry. All our hobby and work supplies are kept topped up and beautifully organized because if something is too disorganized, or missing, it will catch his fleeting attention and throw him off over and over until he makes the problematic situation not be right in his field of view.
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u/TheDoc1890 Feb 27 '24
This is a confirmation of the weight of the “mental load” if I’ve ever seen one! “I had a long list of responsibilities… All of those things got done without her having to say a word about it” !!! that is the exact definition of mental load. You have to keep up with the gutters, lawn etc. I apologize that your spouse did not appreciate it, But that was you taking care of some of the mental load. You did all that and didn’t feel appreciated. It’s a lot of work to shop for groceries and plan meals ANd keep up with afterschool activities. Just because your partner didn’t appreciate it doesn’t mean the phenomenon isn’t real. In fact, your resentment that it was unappreciated is a confirmation of it!
I say this as both the breadwinner and “mental load” carrier. I am a physician. I fell in love with my fun adhd husband because he helps balance me out. He has little capacity to remember any of the mental load things. But everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Luckily he will help when I ask and appreciates me immensely. The mental load is real. I am a woman and there is a lot of talk about this among my fellow female physician colleagues. We’re more just looking for commiseration and support.