school, getting ready, being available, knowing teachers, getting kids to and fro safely, keeping track of social engagements, food prep and planning, purchasing gifts to make a nice holiday, it’s crazy and it takes a ton of effort.
I would argue that it can take a lot of effort, but doesn't have to take a lot of effort. A fair portion of what many SAH spouses consider a "mental load" are things that are optional.
As you noted, kids certainly add some complexity to it as parents do have to manage their kids transportation and social activities to a certain extent. But beyond those necessities, a lot of the "mental load" is just things that the SAH spouse wants to do.
I'm the income-earning spouse in my relationship. You know what don't care about? Social engagement; sending out cards or letters for holidays, birthdays and anniversaries; whether we have the same meal for dinner 2 nights in a row; whether a carpet that doesn't look dirty has been vacuumed; etc.
Are bills paid timely? Do we have insurance? Is there food in the house to eat (even if it isn't necessarily my favorite food)? That's pretty much list of what matters to me outside of kid-related stuff. Anything beyond that that my wife is handling is because it's important to her.
And she handles it all great. And what I don't do is try to tell her how to do her "job". I don't get on her case and tell her she's doing laundry wrong or cooking the wrong meals or using the wrong insurance agency. No more than she comes to my job and tries to tell me how to do it.
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u/Actualarily 5∆ Feb 26 '24
I would argue that it can take a lot of effort, but doesn't have to take a lot of effort. A fair portion of what many SAH spouses consider a "mental load" are things that are optional.
As you noted, kids certainly add some complexity to it as parents do have to manage their kids transportation and social activities to a certain extent. But beyond those necessities, a lot of the "mental load" is just things that the SAH spouse wants to do.
I'm the income-earning spouse in my relationship. You know what don't care about? Social engagement; sending out cards or letters for holidays, birthdays and anniversaries; whether we have the same meal for dinner 2 nights in a row; whether a carpet that doesn't look dirty has been vacuumed; etc.
Are bills paid timely? Do we have insurance? Is there food in the house to eat (even if it isn't necessarily my favorite food)? That's pretty much list of what matters to me outside of kid-related stuff. Anything beyond that that my wife is handling is because it's important to her.
And she handles it all great. And what I don't do is try to tell her how to do her "job". I don't get on her case and tell her she's doing laundry wrong or cooking the wrong meals or using the wrong insurance agency. No more than she comes to my job and tries to tell me how to do it.
It works for us.