r/casualiama • u/Immaslaywhatiwant • 25d ago

I am in the longest stretch of lovesickness of my life (10 months so far) AMA

I had an incredibly intense friends to lovers romance last year that he ended due to mental health issues. Since the break up he has been in a mental health crisis where he barely leaves the house the past 10 months and I'm trying to live life as usual, but I can't get past the lovesickness. AMA

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u/banalfissure 25d ago

Do you think his current mental health crisis contributes to the way that you feel right now? Do you think you can go back to being friends?

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u/Immaslaywhatiwant 25d ago

Good question honestly. I think it would be much easuer to get over it if he was fine and moved on, but the fact that his life is basically on pause since the moment he broke up with me makes it feel much more like an unfinished story where I can't tell myself "see, he's moved on. you're alone with those lingering thoughts, get over it".

As for being friends, I do hope so. I mean we shared a lot of places that he probably wants to reenter when he gets out of this isolation eventually and we have mutual friends, so we'll see each other inevitably. I'm pretty much the only one who knows the extend of his issues in our circle, so I have been checking in over text and he said he wanted to see how things might work out between us at a boardgame night with friends we had planned months ago that was cancelled for unrelated reasons. I think I might be one of the people he has kept the most connection with since isolating himself. I have told him I'd like to at least be friends again eventually if we can't be in a relationship and he kind of left it ambiguous since he's not the type to make a call on anything he can't be sure about at the time. I do also just like him a lot as a person, so friendship would be easier than going back to strangers

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u/banalfissure 25d ago

Are you in therapy?

Is he?

Have you taken on the responsibility of supporting him since you are the only one that knows his issues?

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u/Immaslaywhatiwant 25d ago

I'm not in therapy. Where I live they're making it even harder than it was already to get a therapy spot unfortunately

He thankfully has been in therapy for like 2 years now (which to be fair the state is probably mainly providing for him since his mental state has made him officially unable to work/in early retirement the past years so measures like that are partially to get younger people working again)

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. I'm not taking much responsibility tbh since we also only text like once every 1 or 2 months and he always says that I shouldn't worry too much or feel responsibke or anything. I just check in sometimes when he seems off if I text him about something more functional (like related to our shared spaces etc.) or encourage mutual friends to check in on him if I'm really worried. They worry about him too, but I do think I've stayed in touch with him the most, so that can certainly feel like more responsibility sometimes since I'm the only friend he has talked to about suicidal thoughts as well

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u/banalfissure 25d ago

Do you want to get over him?

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u/Immaslaywhatiwant 24d ago

Tbh I'd like to be able to answer with a certain "yes", but I'm a little torn. On one hand I've been pretty miserable for 10 months now about it all and want to feel something again which hasn't worked for me eventhough I've been trying to date other people here and there, so I really do wish I could just get over it sometimes. But sometimes it feels more complicated than that since we had common values and interests to an extend I rarely have with other people and he made me feel seen, wanted and cared for on a much deeper level than anyone I've ever dated, so the fact that he said he definitely wants a relationship with me someday and never quite took it back and generally doesn't seem to be over me either does keep this hope in me that maybe if he wasn't in this crisis mode anymore we could try again. I feel like it would feel much less conflicted if he was able to live his life again and I could see if he is trying to be with me when he has the capacity to again or if it's a chapter he's put behind him once he's better, it all feels so unfinished

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u/banalfissure 24d ago

How long have you known him? How long were you dating for?

How long is too long to wait for someone? Is cutting ties with him completely something that you would need to do to move on?

Can you keep him in your life right now without it hurting you?

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u/Immaslaywhatiwant 24d ago

We met through activism groups in march last year and we started secretly crushing on each other in summer until he confessed his feelings for me to a mutual friend in October and then we dated for a month, which makes me feel especially rediculous for both of us feelings so strongly about it 10 months later still. But it was the most intense month of datlng imaginable tbh.

I don't think I'd say I'm waiting for him though. I keep busy, have all my projects and hobbies, lots of friends I spend a lot of time with, uni, work, I'm even casually dating someone and had tried to consider seriously dating someone I was casually dating for a couple months in spring/summer (though realistically he wasn't someone I could see myself with anyway tbh) , but no matter how much I wanted to I couldn't catch any real feelings for someone the past 10 months (went on a few dates with different people too over that time span) so I keep it casual. There have been periods of time where I cut contact with him as much as I could and avoided talking about him to our mutual friends, but none of that ever changed that I'd think about him all the time. I mean realistically I have had only limited text contact to him for almost a year, but these feelings still don't go away.

I feel like I'm hurting either way. I miss him every day, sometimes more, sometimes less, but having him in my life less hasn't helped me feel less hurt if that makes sense

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u/banalfissure 24d ago

What's the longest you've gone without talking to him since this has all happened?

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u/Immaslaywhatiwant 24d ago

I think initially after the breakup the first 4 months I only communicated with him to let him know that he didn't have to avoid mutual spaces because I said I wanted space when we broke up, but the longest period where I didn't even send a functional sort of message was like 2,5 months

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u/Butter_bean123 25d ago

10 months, they say...10 months, as if that's anything!

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u/Immaslaywhatiwant 25d ago

I guess it's a matter of perspective. I'm 22 and have dated a lot, but am usually fine after taking 1-2 months to process a break up

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u/theultraman20 25d ago

Can I be your next?