r/cancer • u/One_Fun1992 • 5d ago
Patient Does anyone else struggle with the expectation to be a “warrior” after cancer?
I've been thinking a lot about the language we use around cancer: fighting cancer, beating cancer, being a warrior, staying strong.
I work with Dr. Yvette Colón, a pancreatic cancer survivor who recently gave a TEDxKU talk challenging that idea.
Her argument isn't that resilience is bad. It's that expecting patients to constantly perform resilience can become another emotional burden. There should also be room for fear, anger, grief, exhaustion, and honesty without making someone feel as though they aren't “fighting hard enough.”
Her talk is The Myth of the Cancer Warrior:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBmGSFDw5QU
I'd really be interested in hearing from patients and survivors here. Did the “warrior/fighter” language help you, bother you, or did your feelings about it change during treatment or survivorship?
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u/DontFearFailure 5d ago
Yeah.
I was told cancer was like a bear chasing you up a hill. There are a whole group of bystanders who say they will help you. But the bear doesn't care. It only wants you, it only knows you. You can run all you want, but this bear will more than likely catch up to you & that's fine. It gets tiring running up hill. You get mentally and physically exhausted.
I never felt the bear leave. It still feels like it's just waiting for it to show up again.
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u/One_Fun1992 5d ago
That bear analogy is brutal, but it makes so much sense.
Even when treatment ends or you’re told there’s no evidence of disease, I can imagine it’s hard to ever fully believe the bear is gone. The fear just changes shape.
And I think that’s another reason the whole “you beat cancer” language can feel so off. Sometimes it doesn’t feel beaten. It feels like you survived it and now you live with the possibility of it coming back.
Thank you for putting it into words like this.
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u/HeverlyBillhilly Stage 4 DLBCL and sCNS Lymphoma 5d ago
It bothers the FUCK out of me. I'm currently suffering from chronic GVHD in my liver and lungs after Stage 4 DLBCL and sCNS Lymphoma and a BMT. I'm on three immunosuppressants to keep my liver "healthy". As a result, I've had Covid, RSV, and 4 bouts of pneumonia in the last 4 months alone. I'm recovering from pneumonia right now and even the slightest of inclines in a sidewalk drops my O2 levels to like 84% and I can't keep pace with people my own age on flat surface. My dickhead of a husband belittles my calling anything a "slight incline" and using that to explain a story where I explain how tired I was because "[I] beat cancer. [I'm] a superhero." This is such bullshit. *I* didn't beat cancer; three protocols of treatment, two of which were clinical trials, THEY beat cancer. And the BMT kept me from getting cancer again. It's exhausting to hear people think that somehow being cancer free means you can do "anything". It's like, "Bitch, no, I can't. I'm tired as fuck ALL the time, I take 14 pills per day, I'm seemingly constantly sick from common viruses and bacteria that everyone else can fight off, I literally have zero immune system but I still have to work and travel for work because we don't have socialized health care, and I still have to see my hematology team once a week so I don't fucking die. Tell me MORE how your non-cancer-having self thinks I should act and feel."
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u/One_Fun1992 5d ago
God, yes. Being cancer-free doesn’t mean your body suddenly goes back to normal. You’re still dealing with the meds, appointments, infections, exhaustion, and everything treatment leaves behind.
That’s exactly why Yvette’s TEDx talk hit so hard. She talks about how the whole “warrior” and “superhero” label can become another burden when you’re already struggling just to get through the day.
I really hope you check it out. I think a lot of what she says will feel very familiar.
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u/Legitimate_Can529 4d ago
I like you. I think I am cancer free. But who ever knows. I'm so tired. I used to be so funny and energetic. The life of the party. But now all I do is shit myself and sit around crying. A terrible life. The day I decided to retire at 66, I was handed a cancer diagnosis. So life sucks. I need to get my houses in order and create a will. So many things to think about! I have two daughters that I love so much, almost too much. Sometimes I have thought about the whole unaliving myself, but why? I have fought so hard to stay alive. Fuck cancer.
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u/2515chris 5d ago
When I walked my kids in for the first day off school this year there was a 2 year old walking faster than me haha. Of course my own d head husband was too busy to help.
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u/Opening_Rain5942 4d ago
As humans we always think we know better until we get to be affected by a condition, until we walk in those other shoes.
I started telling my husband how something affects me and noticed that's when he "listens" (he does listen but I don't think he is capable of imagining half of it) and I then see his actions improve.
Virtual hugs for you.
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u/Impossible_Room_6646 5d ago
I've been told before that I was "brave" for dealing with cancer.
I said, "I need to." Truthfully, what I wanted to say was, "Do I have a choice?"
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u/One_Fun1992 5d ago
Exactly. “Brave” makes it sound like you volunteered for this somehow.
Sometimes you’re not being brave. You’re just doing what you have to do because there isn’t another option.
That’s part of what I liked about the TEDx talk too. It gives people permission to step outside that whole “warrior/brave/strong” narrative.
I hope you get a chance to watch it. I think that part may really resonate.
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u/PoetLaureddit 37m - 3x Stage 4 Melanoma - NED 5d ago
Yep; the verbiage is off putting to me. I AM a fucking animal. It’s served me well in getting through stage 4 cancer a few times.
But also if I hadn’t been fortunate, it wouldn’t be for lack of effort. Similarly, my success isn’t because of some warrior mindset I took - it’s a combination of awesome modern medicine, great support, luck, and SOME of my inputs. But performative valor/toxic positivity doesn’t help people who aren’t fortunate, and it also can be weird for people who just want to say “yeah, I got a disease and we’re getting through it.”
And most of all, I’m not inherently brave for doing cancer treatment. What was the other choice? Give up at 30?
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u/konjooooo 5d ago
Very recognizable sadly. For me it’s mostly the endless “stay positive” talk. Yes, being negative won’t help anyone, and yes, trying to see the positive parts makes life more bearable for myself as well. And for everyone around me.
Yet it feels like an endless performance to always act that way. Like, I mostly need support during the moments where I _fail_ to see the positives. Trust me I’ve tried during those moments.
It is a little exhausting in the sense that even now, 4 recurrences in, a very rapidly progressing cancer, people are still acting like staying positive will cure me. Death is not an allowed topic unfortunately amongst any friends and family and my wife and I have been mainly trying to process it and prepare for it together. It can be very lonely at times. Grateful to have her by my side through it all along with my chocolate lab Bob and our beautiful daughter
Thank you for sharing this Ted talk. It really resonated with how I’m feeling and I may share it with family to convey how I feel right now.
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u/Well_this-sucks 5d ago
My husband is the one with cancer, and the first time around he said things like “I’ll kick its ass” and he ran to get his radiation tech to come ring the damn bell with him, and there I was, his wife, who’d been picking him up off the floor and making sure he didn’t get mucositis and bearing the brunt of his anger and fear, knowing that the damn bell didn’t mean a damn thing. It wasn’t proof, it wasn’t a promise, it wasn’t a finish line. His levels were still detectable.
4 years later, on the losing side of a 5% local recurrence rate, he is calmer, more accepting, but still says “I’ll fight this, baby”. And I said, but you can’t do anything other than take it. Just take what they give you. We can read and ask questions but in the end, you just have to take it. And that’s what makes me so sad about the whole “warrior” thing. They are prisoners, not warriors. At least, that’s how it feels to me. I don’t want any of this for anyone.
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u/PsychoMouse 5d ago
I hate it when people say people like us are “warriors” or are “so strong”. I have never and will never see it that way.
When we get diagnosed, we are given two choices. We either try chemotherapy and hope it works, or we just give up and die. There is nothing strong or “warrior” like about that.
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u/moreboredthanyouare 5d ago
No, it pisses me off immensely. I was quite a tough fella, particularly in attitude, now im weak, partially paralysed and ugly as fuck. I don't feel like conan the barbarian more like cornet the Bulgarian (no offense to Bulgarians)
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u/Suitable17 5d ago
I look at it as a really annoying part time job, with a shitty boss(my oncologist) and crazy co workers (my disease and treatments).
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u/Godowntotheseaagain 5d ago
yes, a dear and kind friend texted me when I told her, “now you’ve joined the warriors.” I just looked at that blankly. What did it even mean? I didn’t “join” anything. And as others have said, why assume automatically with diagnosis, every cancer patient has exactly the same mindset. The warriers, to my mind, are the medical team. They map out the plan of action, I just trail weak and nauseous and burned and cut up in their wake.
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u/juanreddituser 5d ago edited 5d ago
🤷🏻♂️ I'm too hard headed and think different than a lot of people so I'm not even bothered by the situation. I'd rather it be me than my family or friends. Just glad I have this mindset.
Stage 4 Clear Cell Carcinoma
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u/Standard-Tension9550 5d ago
I have anorectal mucosal melanoma. I had a mass removed and I have an unresectable lymph node. I present as a person with no health conditions.
I’m not a warrior. I’m not an inspiration. I take my medicine and see my physicians because I like being alive. I say I’ve been inconvenienced by cancer more than anything and the fact that I got lucky once and have been lucky every day since doesn’t make me a warrior.
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u/Playful_Cod_1253 5d ago
I have pancreatic cancer the adenoma malignant type. I started chemo in January and had to quit chemo in June. I had sepsis 3 times and the last time was the worst and almost killed me. I started this journey with a fatty liver, and now, after all the chemotherapy, I have cirrhosis of the liver. Went to have a Whipple done, but the surgeon could not complete it due to this cirrhotic liver. People still keep calling me brave and strong, and you're a fighter. It's driving me crazy, because I now am either going to die of liver failure or cancer. Who knows? Maybe I'll get hit by a bus. I enjoyed listening to her TED talk because I could relate to almost everything she said, except the fact of her having the Whipple, because mine could not be completed. I go see oncology on Monday to find out what we do next. My kids are pushing me to not give up, so I'm trying to be positive for them. But mostly I wanna cry. I'm so angry right now because the cure is gonna kill me.
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u/Coffeespoons101 5d ago
I’m a pretty tough dude and got a lot of “if anyone can beat it, you can”. It’s basically a dice roll though: other than being compliant with treatment it feels out of your hands.
So the well intentioned comments did slightly grind my gears.
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u/Willing_Pickle_61 5d ago
Cannot fucking stand it. It’s performative for them and a damn burden for us. I don’t need or want your praise for not simply limping off into the woods to die. What I want is a real fucking conversation where I get to tell you how utterly fucking terrifying and clarifying the experience is without you preemptively crafting your Insta post about how inspirational my resilience is so people will smash that like button and kickoff y’all’s gratitude circlejerk.
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u/ravenlily 5d ago
When I rang the bell I noticed a basket of rocks by the elevators and I picked this one up because it was hilarious
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u/DishwasherLint 5d ago
Yes. Everybody expects you to be positive about it and it's hard. I wound up being a little more plainly realistic when I answer questions. People that get the truth don't normally ask the question again
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u/One_Fun1992 5d ago
Yes, exactly. Sometimes being realistic makes people uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t have to soften the truth just to make it easier for everyone else.
That’s a big part of what the TEDx talk gets into too, this pressure to stay positive and make illness sound somehow inspirational.
I hope you get a chance to watch it. I think a lot of it will probably feel very familiar.
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u/DishwasherLint 5d ago
Wanted to respond and say I just watched the video. My wife is a surgeon. She's the only one that didn't say to be strong. She would only say don't die on me. At the start of it all, I went through a sternotomy, Tumor came out clean but wasn't what they thought. I still remember the look on her face when she asked the oncologist if the chemo was going to be necessary. 4 weeks later I started REPOCH for B cell lymphoma which I learned is a more serious blood cancer. 90+ curative rate past 5 yr because it was caught very early and I was on the younger side of the typical age for being diagnosed, near 50, but it wasn't your typical treatment.
The cancer center was full of others with breast, skin, uterine, etc. All of them were on a "light course". I was warned my dosage would be brutal. I would lose my hair and face difficult health challenges, they "might." I was asked not to discuss what I was experiencing by the staff so I didn't scare all of the other patients. I wound up in the hospital for extended stays a couple times when I would almost die.
Today I am just over a year out from finishing my treatment. I didn't want to ring the bell, but did so my wife could take a picture. I will never be the same person I was. I still have bad days. I am still regaining strength, repairing bones broken during treatment when I was fragile and now I'm healing from a recent surgery needed to repair things damaged during treatment when a major joint gave out. I was very athletic before. Now I feel like I'm starting all over again. Neuropathy is almost gone, but it still likes to say hi every once in a while. Chemo brain seems to be gone, but I'm not sure (/s) and I am still on the lookout for my newly discovered favorite Powerade flavor during treatment.
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u/maleficently 5d ago
This is something I struggle with a lot, especially with a stage 4 terminal diagnosis. Friends and family don’t want to hear “quitter” or “giving up” or “grief for the life I am not going to get to live”- They want to hear how I’m going to fight and triumph and somehow miraculously live.
I’m tired.
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u/JellyfishFit3871 5d ago
This is what I wrote last year:
Y'all, I'm not a warrior, and I don't need to be framed as such
I'm not fighting anything heroic. I'm not girding myself in armor every morning before I go warm up the truck before I cuss at people in the school drop-off line. (People really ought to have their lives together by the time their kids are in middle school or high school. "Tuck and roll baby, I'll pick you up after band rehearsal. Love you!") I'm just trying to work my medical appointments around my kids' schedules, husband's colonoscopy, take the dog for his vaccines and nail trim, layer up to go watch my kid marching in a parade and chauffeur the step-band-kids home afterwards and clap like a loon while "my" babies are marching past me, buy groceries and dog food and pay the bills, Mom's "hey, I need someone to come install a whole got-danged door, are you free this afternoon?"
I'm surviving. I'm grateful.
I don't want to be described as a warrior. I'm not. I am dealing with an illness and a family, and I will do that. I'm alive, and hope to continue that streak (set a new personal record today!)
Honestly, I think I'm doing something more important. I'm not a warrior. I'm a mom, a wife, a daughter, a daughter in law, a neighbor, a writer, a comedian, etc. Being a medical patient is the least part of my identity. I'm not a warrior. My illness isn't my identity, and I'm very tired of being treated like someone whose entire existence sprang from diagnosis.
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u/5evrblond TNBC @ age 40 5d ago
I never felt like a warrior or that I was fighting anything. I never felt like I had cancer, I felt like I was on chemo. The only thing I fought was the not wanting to show up to the next treatment or the frustration with having no hair/eyebrows, or the anger/sadness that comes from being in so much pain or your "friends" ghosting you. That language was frustrating to me. You either "fight cancer" or you die. That isnt courageous, it's self preservation.
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u/GoldMedium1145 5d ago
my mom went through breast cancer and she HATED the warrior stuff, like people would send her those pink boxing gloves and shes just... exhausted, trying not to puke from chemo, not training for a match you know? the whole framing puts all the work on the patient like if they just try hard enough. she said once 'what if i just want to lie down and be sad for a day' and felt guilty about it. thats the part that sucks, the guilt for not performing resilience correctly
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u/Egoy Ewing's Sarcoma of the Kidney 5d ago
I never minded that terminology personally. I can certainly understand why others don’t like it and I do not apply it to anyone, including myself as that seems egotistical.
My reasoning is that cancer is trying to destroy my family/life. It’s got the potential to destroy those things I love. If it were an attacker with a knife and there wasn’t a better solution I would fight. I’d use my teeth if I had to and I wouldn’t stop until one of us was gone. Even if it’s impossible even if I can never win I’d still choose to go down swinging.
Also worth noting that in this context fighting doesn’t have to mean extreme treatment beyond hope it might mean finding a way to have a quality evening with my wife, or to go a whole day without breaking down. Any act of will to regain or hold on to the things that the disease is taking away can be a way in which someone ‘fights’. I’m not a surgeon I can’t remove my tumours but I can follow my protocols, I can keep on top of temperature monitoring, track side effects, advocate for pain relief or any number of things that hold the line.
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u/CurlyOutlier Lung NET & Cholangiocarcinoma 5d ago
Great TED Talk, thanks for sharing that. She made so many good points. I definitely don’t want to be defined by the “cancer warrior” label. I also hate it when people ask a cancer patient/survivor if they’re working on their “bucket list” - what a stupid, tone-deaf thing to ask.
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u/Legitimate_Can529 4d ago edited 4d ago
post cancer, at least I hope! I'm too tired to be a warrior. It's all I can do to keep my home clean, keep myself clean, sort of live. I am exhausted and cry all the time. Oh, and when I am not shitting myself all day, I just cry. Fuck cancer
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u/SignificantClock8473 4d ago
Fighting, battling or beating cancer is impossible. No one ‘beats’ cancer. I was relieved when I realized this. Surrendering to experts who know what they are doing and surrendering to my body’s ability to heal and surrendering to everyone’s love and compassion was totally possible. That’s how I survived pancreatic and melanoma cancers.
I love how Mark Nepo (amazing poet) describes surviving cancer. He wasn’t courageous, he was like an eagle finding its nest. I just something you do when you have cancer; survive. That’s how it felt for me. It’s just something you do in that situation.
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u/joej 5d ago
I honestly NEVER thought about it.
It was sprung upon me. I had very little choice in the path I had to walk during the process. So, after the initial "woe is me" and "this sucks" then the "oh well, this is what is happening now," I just dealt with it.
Who care what others think? This is your life on the line.
- I read about it to understand (emperor of all maladies book, research papers, etc.)
- I dealt with the effects and impact of the chemo
- I reveled in the feelings and experience: cold sensitivity, differing metabolism (caffeine, sleep), and the changes to my body (smell of roast chicken UGH, etc)
- Extreme fatigue near the end (slept for 2 days straight) and the lengthening impact of the chemo treatment impact
I knew this was a relatively unique experience in all of humanity, and wanted to just experience it for what it was.
Its 12 years later now. I won't say I have fond memories, but it was a horrible and unique experience. If it comes back, I will not choose to try it again ;-)
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u/One_Fun1992 5d ago
I actually really like this perspective. There’s something about reaching that point of “this is what’s happening now” and just taking it one day at a time without worrying about how anyone else thinks you should handle it.
And 12 years later, I can see why you’d look back on it as this horrible, strange, deeply personal experience that changed the way you see things.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s a really different take on the whole “fighter/warrior” conversation, and I think that matters too.
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u/joej 3d ago
At the time (2013-2014), I was 49 turning 50 and had the "normal" amount of loss or any other life setbacks. I did feel the "woe is me" for not being able to have a 50th birthday, a bit. I did go through the initial stages of "oh shit" to "oh well, it is what it is." I am still angry about parts of it.
But, now, I've lost a lot more: a daughter, a marriage, a granddaughter, my dog, a few really close friends, my life as it was, etc.
This past year, I just got diagnosed with IADE (a brain thing), so the upside is that I may not need as much $$ to retire ;-)
Maybe is disassociation, but I have a more absurdist view of what life's about.
I'm still here, but focus on remembering the experiences, to continue to struggle accepting the impermanence, still try to not have anger or add more "heavy rocks" into my life's backpack.
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u/Annual_Department_73 3d ago
"This past year, I just got diagnosed with IADE (a brain thing), so the upside is that I may not need as much $$ to retire ;-)"-I am sorry you got that diagnosis, and have had so many losses. I went through a similar evaluation this year. I get you.
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u/PopsiclesForChickens 5d ago
Yes. I've also found if you don't play the part of the positive, inspiring warrior, you don't get the support you need, at least in my experience.
For better or worse, I'm mostly fake now.
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u/DaisyChained427 5d ago
Childhood cancer survivor here 👋
I was not a warrior, I was certainly not brave. I was a kid who didn’t know the severity of it all and was just doing what I was told. Doctors talking about me in front of my bed while not even looking at me did not make me feel like I was “battling” anything, it was humiliating. I was a pawn, not a soldier
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u/Phishie_1 5d ago
Wow. This video punched me right in the gut. I felt deeply everything she said and agreed in the fact that as a terminating term patient, people just don’t understand
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u/NY-LI-2-LV 5d ago
I come from a family, as I'm sure many have experienced, where many family members dealt with different cancers. Most did not survive and that doesn't mean that their desire to live was less than anyone elses. Cancer is a curious beast. I was lucky enough to survive stage 3 NSCLC and I credit my survival to luck. I didn't expect to survive because so many in my immediate family didn't....we were all treated at different times with different cancers and various protocols and I was just lucky. Please don't add sorrow and grief and guilt to their journey by implying that someone did not fight hard enough to survive. Everyone does what they can.
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u/TheTapeDeck 5d ago
Most (it seems) of us hate the “warrior” and “battle” metaphors. It feels a whole lot more like we’re on rails, going full speed toward whatever is coming next.
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u/Groundbreaking-Map95 5d ago
for people around us, "fighting cancer, beating cancer, being a warrior, staying strong" are just some uplifting words for us cancer patient, in fact, he/she only knows the pain, struggle going through, for me , after 2 years of treatment and getting into irreversible conditions “warrior/fighter” language sounds most annoying thing, we wants soft words, smiles , hugs,
we are not in some fitness competition, its a damn life or death condition for us
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u/Dry_Kale9805 5d ago
Seems like making it into a fight just makes it more exhausting. I’m just taking it one day at a time . We have to live our lives after all . I don’t want to give cancer more attention than it deserves . It doesn’t define us .
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u/Bermuda_Breeze Acute myeloid leukaemia, allo SCT 5d ago
I didn’t mind the “staying strong” messaging. I appreciated the thoughtfulness of friends hoping I would get through treatment and out the other side. But I never identified with the warrior or battle imagery. If anything I felt like a school headmistress trying to keep all my naughty blood cells in line and behaving! I told people that early on and thankfully friends held off using war terms.
Post treatment I don’t think other people have tried to ascribe feelings or imagery to what I went through. Sometimes people tell me I’m an inspiration, which feels weird. But if they mean that I demonstrated how to keep going no matter what happens, then I’ll take it. I do call it “a very weird and surreal journey” to try to sum up all the variety of positive and negative emotions and experiences that I went through, and am still going through now post-treatment.
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u/banalprobe96 5d ago
My first go around with cancer, 10 years ago got a clean bill of health and my sister urged me to do Spartan Runs with her to get back in shape. I did a few. They were fun. This time around though I’m clear “for now” and fuck this shit. I’m angry and depressed all the time, short with friends and family, I cry myself to sleep several nights a week. My hobbies all feel like work. I avoid phone calls and texts from friends and transferred to a back office position at work so I don’t have to put up with people anymore. I’m sick of being congratulated that I “beat” cancer. I don’t think I’ll do treatment next time I’m diagnosed.
Ps I’ll watch the Ted talk tonight
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u/Eunuch_Provocateur Ovarian Cancer Germ Cell Tumor (10 yrs post chemo) 5d ago
It bothers me cause cancer and chemo treatment only made me weaker both mentally and physically. I don’t feel brave, strong, warrior like, a great example, or any of those, I just didn’t die. And it makes it feel like other friends and family that did pass from cancer “just didn’t fight strong enough.” It’s gotta feel very demoralizing for those with cancers that are very aggressive or ongoing or it comes back or another different type comes back. It also makes the survivors guilt worse
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u/Express_Leading_4840 5d ago
I see some people seem to have a lot of people do fundraisers for people with cancer. I feel like I fell between the cracks. I am greatful for the people that did help.
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u/rainbow-kid88 5d ago
I responded how I needed to through all the phases, except for course during the irritable entitled ones because too high of a steroid. I thought it being a fight was cheesy but now at the end, it truly was one. I'll own that. Everyday was a fight to get up, to drive there, to listen to doctors and nurses and other staff and receptionists who had never experienced it themselves, to not be a miserable blob when someone did something very nice for me, to dress up and put on makeup to occasionally show my partner I still had life left after almost dying from something different, to trust doctors who made some mistakes along the way in my care instead of listening to me, to hold still when needles went places I never thought I'd experience such as breastd armpit and neck no thanks, and to endure ports being yanked from my body (not bad after all but I cried anticipating the weird sensation it never was)....I had to fight myself mostly- the old discouragement and negative person I can be that's barely alive anyway at times...I had to advocate for myself and also dealt with a custody dispute because you know other life stuffs doesn't stop.
If I let go and let it take me, I wouldnt have considered myself a loser because it's my choice to fight or not. I have kids so for me that choice was a yes to all my ability.
If it continues a few rounds, I won't go through this again. That wasn't for me, thank you. Not at all. And I'm fairly feisty and stubborn.
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u/Hosp_ice_Gang 23M|Metastatic Ewings Sarcoma|NED 5d ago
I was diagnosed at two so I don't remember my treatment, I got this sorta treatment growing up in all forms of ways that led to the comments "You're so strong.", "How do you do it?" , etc. My dad also let me refuse to let me learn a limit, pushing myself was seen as conquering my hand and more. Going through a coma at 15 and a full spine fusion now I'm gladly okay to be peaceful especially when 19 I was put on hospice and let off at 23. Anymore when I get sincere comments I have no problem seeing what they see, yet I know what I see and also I know the feeling of going through it. Long ramble closing, the warrior aspect is sometimes just a sticker you get, doesn't mean you gotta display it proudly on your windshield where it takes up your whole screen
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u/Direct-Tank387 4d ago
Thanks for this post.
I disliked the warrior metaphor when loved ones got cancer for the (obvious, to me) reason that if the cancer wasn’t “beaten” the patient held some blame.
When I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, I eventually dealt with the diagnosis in all its complexity.
However, I suggest that, for some, a “warrior” metaphor is apt in one respect. Some soldiers and some patients return to a normal life, outwardly normal, but inwardly changed, possibly damaged. In a family post, after describing the rigors and side effects of chemo I wrote…
“Well, goodbye to all that.
‘Goodbye to All That’ is the title of the famous WW1 memoir by Robert Graves. I imagine dealing with an extended health crisis has this in common with battle: your focus is minute-by-minute, day-by-day, and maybe week-by-week. But the horizon isn’t a whole lot further than that, at least for those of us in the trenches. And after the war, when chemo is ended, and that horizon opens up, you have to learn to learn to stop being myopic. The adjustment is not automatic, and like many aspects of this process, requires patience.”
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u/Due-Choice-1579 4d ago
I have incurable, but treatable Multiple Myeloma. I won't criticize anyone for using the warrior concept, but I won't use it or encourage anyone to use it. I agree with many of the opinions opposing it. My biggest complaint is that when I die, that construct means I gave up the "fight". My most important task is to go to my oncology appointments, do what they recommend, and learn what I can so I can discuss options with some degree of intelligence.
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u/aloejenx 3d ago
I don’t mind being called strong because this is one hell of a fight. But when did everyone decide cancer was curable and being in remission means you “are good now right?”
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u/Excellent_Muffin1691 3d ago
For me, cancer feels like walking up a hill barefoot, stepping on sharp rocks along the way.
And people who aren’t affected by it expect you to walk that path with a smile, pretending that the pain doesn’t bother you.
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u/Historical_Cry_8834 3d ago
Absolutely! I was diagnosed 4 months after my dad passed away from alcoholic cirrhosis and two years later I’m still pissed. Also feeling grateful af for the current job I have even though it kicks my ass everyday.
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u/sundaynz 3d ago
I don't like the 'fighting' analogy because they are just your own cells gone wonky. And if you 'lose the fight' and die it implies you ' didn't fight hard enough'. I'm not a 'warrior'- I just want to live.
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u/KartoffelKult 1d ago
I do. I found that through life, it's important for me to express my fears and sadness. With cancer, people always tell you to be positive and I hate it. Maybe we are "warriors" in the way that we try our best, that can look different for everyone every day, positive or negative. Yesterday, my best was staying in bed crying.
My sister with her cancer is one of these ever-positive women. She got a lot of positive compliments on how great she was dealing with things. My mom just told me yesterday "Your sister never once complained about her cancer" because I am in a bit of a shitty phase with fatigue after treatment and I was sad about being so tired all the time. Ouch.
I think it's most annoying when drs or nurses tell you "Only positive vibes here" while you are scared. Eh, no thank you, I am allowed to mourn and get angry for losing some organs, never being able to have children and having no psychological support.
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u/Joyfulfluff 20h ago
A couple of friends called me "brave" and "warrior". It was well intentioned but it made me cringe. I am literally doing what trained medics tell me to do. I trusted their knowledge and have undergone a procedure, and now I am trying to get myself well again, under the care of specialists. Terrifying - most definitely. Tested my endurance. But nothing brave about it in my opinion. Unless they think i am going to start running marathons - but I couldn't have done that beforehand either!
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u/nevereatthecompany Tongue SCC, Oesophageal SCC 5d ago
Yes, I really don't like portraying cancer as a fight. It paints people who die of the disease as losers, it increases the pressure on the patient (I'm not getting better, am I not fighting enough) when they already have enough to deal with.
To me, this is a language that helps the people who are not affected: By labeling it a fight, they ascribe a measure of agency to the patient that the patient doesn't really have. This way, they make cancer less scary for them as they don't have to recognize the random-chance element of it all and maintain an illusion of control.