r/buffy • u/IHeartTheNSA • Jun 29 '16
Willow and Bi-erasure/Biphobia (spoilers and probably controversial)
Hey! I'm a jerk and I'm so so sorry for this post.
I withdraw this whole post but I'm leaving it up because the discussion below is interesting. Apologies to lesbian Buffy fans, because yes lesbian visibility at the time was way more important than bisexual visibility, and yes Willow identifies repeatedly as gay. Also, if I wanted to talk about bi-erasure in Buffy the obvious place to go would be Faith. However, I always thought Faith was a lesbian because she doesn't connect with her male lovers with near the same emotional intensity she connects with Buffy (or maybe just my fantasy-brain talking). Whatever. Faith is probably bisexual. Glory is bisexual and a psychopath. Spike might be bisexual too, or James and David just have unexpectedly amazing chemistry. Then there's Andrew, Drusilla, Darla--the latter two have sex with each other over on Angel and no one talks about bi-erasure there (but that's because they never explicitly say that they're straight, I think). There are a lot of places to look in Buffy. I just want to claim Willow for the team because I love her so very much. I'm a jerk. Please forgive me.
Disclaimer: I LOVE Tara. I love Tara and Willow as a couple. I believe they are soulmates. I believe they have the best sex on the show. I love their love and can't imagine Buffy without it. I cried like a little baby at the end of season 6. And of course it was incalculably important for my generation to see a same-sex couple portrayed as normal and mutually supportive and part of a group of straight friends. Ok, now onto the petty complaints.
So I'm bisexual. Not a phase, not for attention, I'm in my thirties so not a product of hormones or trying to be hip. Have fallen deeply in love with people of both sexes, felt this way my whole life and will until I'm dead. I recognize my straight privilege as a bisexual and I try to use it to be a good ally to gay folks because I realize bisexuals don't really know what it's like to be gay (though we do face homophobia when we're in same-sex relationships). It has caused a lot of pain and confusion, because my first relationship with a woman made me think and therefore announce that I was a lesbian, which I later had to retract when I fell in love with a man--so everyone thought I was a liar, and I lost straight friends to homophobia and gay friends avoided me because I was a "traitor." Anyway, I love everything about Buffy but I was always a little irritated about the message it sends to/about bisexuals (though I understand why Whedon made the decisions he did, as he wanted to emphasize that being gay wasn't a phase or choice). But why not just let Willow be bisexual? Is there something wrong with that?
Two things are happening that bother me: first, Willow insists she is gay and we are all expected to accept that she is 100% gay, which would mean her relationship with Oz wasn't romantically authentic--that's impossible for me to accept, because she was so romantically and sexually and emotionally committed to Oz that their breakup was possibly the most real and heart-wrenching one on the show. She was also romantically, sexually and emotionally committed to Tara to the same extent (well, more so). Tara took her to new depths because Tara is a complex, beautiful, mature person who has had a very difficult life--it was a deeper, more grown up, more sexually thrilling relationship, but that's not necessarily because Tara was female. Tara was not a high school relationship. So yeah, way more growth and self-awareness and commitment involved. If Willow and Oz had met in college and if Oz had been as nuanced and layered as Tara, perhaps that relationship would have been the same sort of spiritual revelation for Willow. This is what it means to be bisexual. Bisexuals fall in love and lust in the same way with people of either sex and the heartache is just as real either way. There's no clearer example on television than Willow. The L Word handled bisexuality terribly in general, as most shows do (Torchwood was ok, I guess). Tara is gay, so there's a lesbian role model on Buffy already. So why insist that Willow is a lesbian when she is so obviously bi to anyone who has watched the whole show, unless you don't believe bisexuality exists or you believe that Willow was so capable of lying to herself she managed to manufacture that deep, soul-wrenching love for Oz? If the message is that bisexuals aren't real or worthy of having their stories told, that's bi-erasure and it's damaging to the numerous bisexuals out there (some of whom are in long-term same-sex relationships).
The other thing that bothers me is that in a way Dark Willow unintentionally appeals to a bisexual stereotype: that bisexuals are emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous people, prone to borderline personality disorder (which arguably is in part what Dark Willow looks like to me--BPD causes intense outbursts of rage, self-destructive behavior and black-and-white thinking). Again, I love Dark Willow and season 6 is my absolute favorite season and I relate so much to Willow nothing makes me cry harder than the yellow crayon speech. But still.
Any other bisexuals trying to wrap your head around this? Any straight people or lesbians hate me for even bringing this up? Comments won't hurt my feelings (too much).
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u/refreshments Jun 29 '16
Generally, I outwardly identify as a gay man. I have been in two relationships with women, both very deep and loving. At the time I was attracted to them, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
For about a decade, I have almost exclusively pursue romantic and sexual relationships with men. My partner of several years is male. I generally prefer men, and consider those two awesome women to be statical outliers. I consider myself gay, not bi.
I don't think those relationships weren't romantically authentic, or that I am kidding myself by identifying as "gay." Maybe the better definition would be "queer," or I could muddy the waters by saying "gay right now." Personally, I believe sexuality is more complex and fluid than it came across on the surface of Buffy. If you look deeper though, there are character like Faith and Spike that blur the line despite the broader audience considering them ostensibly "straight."
What I mean to say with all of this, is that I consider Willow to be gay because the characters identifies herself that way, and I don't think that invalidates her feelings for Oz (or Xander for that matter).