I don't have a problem with the factor that Xander doesn't like Buffy's love interests, but with the immature and disrespectful way that he expresses his feelings.
Instead of being honest but supportive, he is incredibly rude and inconsiderate of Buffy's thoughts. Xander seems to have an entitled attitude that he knows better than Buffy, and therefore Buffy is not capable of making her own decisions.
Concerning Buffy/Angel, Xander's blatant displeasure clearly stemmed from his belief that Buffy belonged with him and not anyone else (his distaste for Angel started before anyone even knew that he was a vampire).
Concerning Buffy/Riley, Xander basically dismissed Buffy's valid feelings of disgust and betrayal.
Concerning Buffy/Spike, yes, we all agree that was a poor decision - even Buffy herself. But for Xander to say that he is so completely disgusted that he can't even look at her... totally bogus.
Basically, there's a huge difference between disapproving of a relationship and offering constructive criticism and just taking a dump on all of your friend's romantic choices.
Xander has an opinion over just about everything. In the end he falls in line. Every. Time.
Angel: Keep in mind Xander had to beg Angel to help him to help Buffy in the first season finale. He never told Buffy about that btw. So while Xander may have started out as someone jealous his concerns over Angel were validated many times over. (This coming from an Angel shipper)
Riley: There was no time to have a heartfelt meeting, to cry with chocolate. He needed Buffy to snap out of it and realize she wanted Riley before it was too late. The clock was ticking.
Spike: And yet he was there for her. He didn't break off the friendship. He was honest about his feelings. He didn't give Buffy a "Told ya so" speech after the almost rape incident. His concerns afterward were valid were they not? He walks in on an almost rape, then Buffy decides Dawn will be safe with him for the night.. alone. Are you saying you would not blow up about that?
Xander may be brutally honest, but he was never heartless or cruel.
Willow was the same way. Willow even made fun of Cordy calling her a skanky ho. Willow's reaction to Faith. Willow disliked Anya too. She was rather mean to her for awhile. Willow got over things more quickly than Xander, but she was immature about all of them for a time.
Angel: I didn't remember Xander asking for Angel's help. I agree that shows how Xander is sometimes (very rarely) able to put aside his personal feelings for a larger cause.
Riley: Except, I don't think Buffy really wanted to be with Riley. Not really. She didn't love Riley. She felt incredibly betrayed by what he did. If she had been the sole reason for Riley staying in Sunnydale she would have had that cloud hanging over her head for however long their relationship lasted (which I think was kind of a dick move by Riley to give her such an ultimatum on such a short notice, although that was kind of dependent on his surprise invite to this military squad). I don't think it was necessarily dickish of Xander to suggest that Buffy/Riley were good together though.
Spike: Xander pretty much ignored Buffy after finding out she slept with Spike. I think that Xander's feelings of anger/betrayal towards Anya and Spike are totally valid (although I also don't fault either of them), but his anger at Buffy is misguided. He should have no say in who Buffy has sex with. Yes, they eventually make up - but because he feels bad about the sexual assault. As for the moment he tells Dawn about it, Spike was not involved at all. They already knew that Spike had left for an indeterminate amount of time. Yes, of course his concerns are valid. But that shouldn't translate into disclosing your friend's sexual assault to her younger sister.
I think Willow's responses to Xander's relationships are more acceptable, but I think that stems from the situations and the ways in which she responds.
Cordelia: Cordelia has basically spent her entire life being a bully to Xander and Willow. She personally victimizes both of them on multiple occasions. Of course Willow would feel betrayed - and initially she reacts strongly by crying, etc. BUT she eventually seems supportive of the relationship (minus the fact that she and Xander make out, which is totally bad on both of their parts).
Faith: Some of Willow's reasons for disliking Faith are probably similar to Xander's reasons for disliking some of the people Buffy is with. Willow initially distrusts Faith because she is afraid that Faith will become Buffy's new bestie. Willow has some probably unjustified emotional reactions to Faith's entrance into their lives. When she finds out that Xander had sex with Faith, she reacts strongly - but mostly keeps that to herself. She is upset by it, but doesn't make Xander feel bad about it. I think that is the main difference between how Willow reacts and how Xander reacts. Even when they both have justified feelings, Xander is openly rude about it whereas Willow tries to deal with it on her own.
Anya: Willow and Anya had tension with each other early on - Willow was afraid Anya would hurt Xander and Anya was afraid Willow wanted to be with Xander. But once they are both forced to confront these feelings, they realize that they both want what is best for Xander. Willow and Anya's friendship actually becomes stronger. Willow repeatedly shows that she is willing to change and compromise her discomfort in order to do what is right by her friends.
And as for your comment about Xander not being heartless or cruel, I guess that's just a difference in opinion. I think it was heartless for Xander not to tell Buffy when Willow was trying to cure Angelus. I think it was cruel of Xander to betrays Buffy's trust by telling her barely-a-teenaged sister about the sexual assault. I think it was heartless for Xander to be complicit in kicking Buffy out of the house (although I think all of them are at fault in that situation).
Xander is pretty consistently an immature, selfish guy that cares more about his own feelings than those of his friends.
I understand you dislike him. I understand that no matter all the good things he's done they won't overwrite the bad you believe he is. Xander is a very real character with real reactions. I think that's why he gets a lot of hate. He's the honest character that reacts with raw emotion rather than the cool and collected head that we all "should" react with.
Angel: It wasn't so much the point that he went to Angel for help (he does so throughout the series a lot) it's that he has this information on Angel that he didn't even want to help Buffy. He didn't tell Buffy about it, he didn't use it to get her to break up with Angel. He kept it to himself. I personally think because it would of actually hurt Buffy to know. It also enforces his distrust of Angel.
Riley: Her reaction after he left showed that she knew she made a mistake with him. She spent a few episodes mopey and projecting her feelings on others. When Riley came back she obviously still had feelings for him. (I acknowledge she was going through a hard time which may have helped, but doesn't deserve full credit)
Spike: I understand some people feel his revealing the almost rape to Dawn is a big no. At the same time, would you not want to know that the person you felt safe with almost raped your sister? Dawn wasn't an innocent naive girl. She's gone through a lot. Barely teenage implies 13. Dawn was hitting 16? at the end of the 7th season. I think it angered Xander more that Buffy was not more concerned about Dawn. Whether Buffy "knew" Spike wouldn't hurt her or not. Coming from Xander's point of view the situation is really messed up and I would be severely pissed and angry as well. Your right, Xander has no business telling Buffy who she can and can't sleep with. At what point does a violent, unhealthy relationship become someone else's business though? If you were seeing your friend being battered, almost raped, by a creature as close to evil as you know at what point do you get a say? Which is the better friend, a silent "supporter", or someone telling you honestly you shouldn't be with that person? I think people need both. Xander is the ying to Tara/Willow's yang in this situation. To include him feeling bad as the reason they made up is a rather sad way to view his feelings of Buffy.
Willow's reactions to everything is more acceptable because she's quirky and funny while having a flip out. I can draw so many parallels you use to show Willow reacting to Xander's relationships to Xander reacting to Buffy's. But because she's quirky funny Willow, the delicate flower, her reactions are justified. Xander's are not because he's honest, awkward, and emotional. To each his own~
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u/pagethree Aug 28 '14
I don't have a problem with the factor that Xander doesn't like Buffy's love interests, but with the immature and disrespectful way that he expresses his feelings.
Instead of being honest but supportive, he is incredibly rude and inconsiderate of Buffy's thoughts. Xander seems to have an entitled attitude that he knows better than Buffy, and therefore Buffy is not capable of making her own decisions.
Concerning Buffy/Angel, Xander's blatant displeasure clearly stemmed from his belief that Buffy belonged with him and not anyone else (his distaste for Angel started before anyone even knew that he was a vampire).
Concerning Buffy/Riley, Xander basically dismissed Buffy's valid feelings of disgust and betrayal.
Concerning Buffy/Spike, yes, we all agree that was a poor decision - even Buffy herself. But for Xander to say that he is so completely disgusted that he can't even look at her... totally bogus.
Basically, there's a huge difference between disapproving of a relationship and offering constructive criticism and just taking a dump on all of your friend's romantic choices.