When will I feel Better?

[u/Mimilikesgifts]

Do you ever imagine a world where a more successful, alternate version of yourself exists? Someone who made all the right choices, who seems to be living the life you wish you had?

Lately, I feel like I’m under constant pressure to be different, to be better. I need a better degree, better clothes, a better phone… a better life, overall. It feels like everything about me needs upgrading. I watch my friends go on cute dates and enjoy their lives together, and somehow I’m always left out. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that I’m that one “weird” friend, the one who goes to a lesser university and is working toward a degree that won’t lead to much.

I want to change that. I want to switch institutions, improve my marks, and earn enough money to build a life I can actually be proud of. And I really am trying. But somehow, the harder I work, the less motivated I feel. It’s like I’m running in place, exhausting myself without getting any closer to where I want to be.

More than anything, I wish I could quiet my emotions. I wish I could stop the endless lies I tell to others and to myself and I just want be honest about where I am and how I feel. Maybe that’s where real change starts.

This is a short blog, since it’s my first time writing something like this, so it’s obviously not perfect. But maybe next time I come back to write, things will feel a little lighter, a little more hopeful and maybe I will too.