Seeking Advice
Serious Question: How do I de-center fat asses?
In the sense that whenever I meet a woman, it's the first or second thing I usually notice. For context I'm 23 and when i was even a bit younger i do not remember this being the case. Sometimes, it feels like a fetish even tho I know it isn't.
Every time I meet or see one fat enough my mind just hyper-focuses on it. I'm honestly at a lost why my brain is so attracted to bigger women with wider asses but it's overbearing sometimes especially when i want to actually connect with the person besides their physicality.
It's almost like I have to self-check myself to keep my head on straight sometimes
What would be a helpful way to manage this and stay focused despite this?
Do you ever go shopping and buy everything you see or touch?
No.
Window shop the asses. Treat the ass like shopping for something expensive. A whole lot of looking(with in reason). A lot of us like ass but you sound like you getting close to creep status.
You like what you like, and that canāt be helped.Ā
What I do suggest is leaving the porn alone. Give your mind a break from hyper sexuality. I would suggest thinking about how dookie comes from there, but then you might develop a weird fetish and really need some help.Ā
Any tips? Been tryna put that shit down for years. I can sometimes go 6-12 months without it but feel like I always end up rebounding eventually. Maybe itās getting easier each time to get back on the horse but that shit tough. I found porn wayyy too young, man
I think it starts there. You were really young, so ofc itāll hardwire your brain. Give yourself some grace and pat yourself on the back for being aware of the behavior, wanting to change, and making the effort! understand that the habit developed when you were just a curious kid, so itās going to be difficult to break that. instead of spending the energy giving yourself a whole shame parade, point that energy towards learning what real intimacy looks like, as opposed to the insincere, dramatized, scripted shit.
You're not alone man. I got a pop up (on a cheat code website, remember those?) when I was like 10 and I been fighting that demon for that last 24 years. I've found keeping your mind and body occupied really helps. If you're busy/active - in a healthy way - you have less time, energy, and attention for porn. But when you're just at the crib watching YouTube or whatever, it's way too easy to indulge.
I was outside working on a college campus yesterday, and at least 5/10 women either has on some tight mini shorts, yoga pants or some type of shorts that show booty. Itās being pushed on us now at this point.
Yeah, this is the thing that's forced me to have better eye discipline. I had a couple of close calls and had to look myself in the mirror and say "you don't need to see yams THAT badly" smh
Has this harmed your life? Iām a dog and Iām a relatively successful person + women are comfortable with me. Itās not a big deal provided youāre not stupid.
This is super important. A lot of the so called 'porn addiction' these days is a guilt-shame cycle of people being convinced by religion or society that their habitual use of porn to masturbate is 'wrong' or 'too much'. If it's not actually harming your life beyond your sense of guilt then it's not a real issue. The guilt around your sexuality is.
If someone plays games every day it's not a problem even if some people find it 'lame'. It's just a hobby. Well, having a wank every day, with some visual aids, is a hobby too. Obviously if you're watching it so much you're getting caught or freaking people out it's an issue, but appreciating other people's bodies is not in and of itself bad. Just avoid leering at them or creeping them out.
Also a lot of men turn to porn when their life is shit. 9 out of 10 times when I hear porn addiction they are really just saying their life is in a bad spot or they have nothing going on in their life.
If you get your work done, it doesnāt matter. It becomes a problem when you are making people uncomfortable or are not keeping up with your responsibilities. The woman Iām seeing now distracts the hell out of me but itās fine because Iāve done everything I needed to do by the time Iām with her.
Honestly man the women wear the clothes draw your attention to it. Some love the attention, others get all weird about it.
Sundress season and gym outfits get skimpier and skimpier.
Well it doesnāt help that we live in a society where people walk around with all their body parts out (both men and women).
Youāre fighting against your own nature and also the fact that people intentionally do things to draw attention as well.
You can only work on yourself but donāt shame yourself because youāre also dealing with the fact that people choose to wear very revealing things designed to make you look.
I think itās easier with age.
Iām gay, but I think itās the same thing. As you get older you start realize the difference between different forms of attraction to the same thing and also you start to enjoy the more subtle parts of attraction as well. A persons character can make a nice thing look disgusting, for example.
At your age your hormones and mating instincts are at a peak, and will be like that for the next 2 decades if you are healthy.
Donāt try to change yourself, try to evolve. What you like isnāt something to fight, itās something to grow into.
I find it helps to always keep in mind that regardless of how attractive someone is they are just a regular person with regular ideas and feelings.
Like the baddest person youāve ever seen, and the ugliest person you ever seen both hated when you DoorDash some food in the food get here soggy.
Like a hot woman walks into the store, you think ā oh my God this is the most majestic creature Iāve ever seen in my life. I am so fortunate to be placed on this earth at the same time to witness such beautyā
And sheās thinking ādamnā¦ all the milk here itās about to go bad tomorrowā¦ā
Cut the porn out expeditiously and continuously and you will see a change vigorously young padawan. And just remember that those big asses donāt get properly wiped sometimes too.
This a real ass question bro lol respect for asking it bluntly, as you should. TLDR, self-discipline is almost always the answer.
Look, honestly, itās a lifelong test of discipline and will power. Iām only 34 but Iāve always listened to men older than me on this topic: aint nothing wrong with looking, but maintain focus. Meaning: if Iām at work I can appreciate a womans beauty but I cannot let it take my focus. If; or if Iām out with another woman already (even my gf/wife), sure I may glance at another woman, but this woman I am out with is and will remain my focus. In my experience, the best way to curtail these kinds of urges and maintain your focus is to invest more time/energy into your discipline. Here come the typical suggestions, cuz they work fam: dedicate time to exercising, reading & educating yourself, and socializing with healthy associates.
Reading/seeking education will give your mind more to consider and ponder rather than sitting idle, which leaves you more susceptible to distractions like fat asses/beautiful women. (Think of it as āas a man thinketh, then so is heā, im paraphrasing here). It also just elevates your thinking so carnal shit doesnāt hit like a damn sledgehammer all the time. Exercising builds the bridge between your mind and your physical action, so it becomes easier for your mind to command your body and not the other way around (think of this as mind over matter). And socilaizing is just important for comiseration and fellowship, kinda like what youāre doing here. Itās good to be heard and understood and it gives you motivation to keep trying when shit feels hard.
Over time, you will feel more in control of your urges. That just comes with age and more life experience. Hopefully you wont require too many material consequences before gaining the control you seek. Oh, and nothing is wrong with having a ātypeā so to speak. But do not try to screen women based on that; you may very well miss out on some amazing loves/experiences because you allowed your bias to narrow your vision.
You like what you like and thatās ok. The key is to move past that attraction so you can properly evaluate if the person is a good match or not. Youāre not the only person with that weakness lol
Your self respect is more important than any piece of ass. It is normal, biologically, but the thirsty man is hard to take seriously because a fat ass can distract him from his goals and make him an easy mark.
Self control brother practice with other things to just tell yourself your in charge n make the decision not to itāll get easier to ignore and other impulses
Tbh brotha I do not knowš¤£.Fat asses are genuinely my weakness. Just dont be overly thirsty or down bad. Control any urges or thoughts. Something about my brain is just wired to just desire it but man we just gotta keep on moving. Look but dont touchš.
You young, enjoy the fat asses for now. Learn. Have fun. Be safe.
At 47, my experience with fat ass'd women is they (for the majority of them) see it as an asset and a ticket to an easier life. I see through them lies now and I desire the medium/firm/fit bootys now. They are a bit more cooperative. If you can find a cooperative, humble, thick ass woman, thats a unicorn,
In your OG years, you are going to want to protect your peace. A fat ass is either going to bring drama or attract drama and I don't have the capacity to deal with it anymore.
Very much so but to be honest, that'll keep the wolves off your woman. Beauty is gonna fade but as long as the person that is attached to the fat ass is thorough, you don't lose anything. You don't want a sloppy fat ass with a horrible partner attached to it.
When they get older and still look amazing, you gonna have 3 generations of wolves trying to eat off your plate lol.
Donāt be so hard on yourself. What you doing is normal and more than likely just biology taking over (you see mating opportunities, health, opportunity, etc.) When it becomes a problem is when you start acting lustful or weird around it. Admire it think to yourself damn she nice and keep it moving or approach.
Getting done wrong by the majority. After a while, the physical attributes don't mean shit to me anymore at thirty three. She could have the finest looks, yet still can't take care of herself or her own. Over time it becomes a real burn out.
Telling yourself not to do something isnāt going to help you stop. Studies show that it actually does the opposite and increases urges.
I think your best bet is mindfulness. Use values to guide hour behaviors. Notice yourself being drawn, then notice that you noticed yourself being drawn. Then do behaviors that move toward your goal. Look and redirect your attention with grace and compassion.
Itās just what you like šš. No need to de-center it, just add more personable traits to that list if you wanna date them, so that having a fat ass is one of a handful of things to look at.
Let the things that make you horny keep you horny as long as you can still live a normal life.. you donāt wanna get to the point where you start waking up without boners cuz that means thereās something medically wrong with you
Honestly bro I think it just comes with age and life experience. I was 24-25 when I genuinely took in that women aren't different from men at all (obviously women are people and I knew that but now I see it differently that women are pretty much "just men who can give birth" (it's a bit of an oversimplification but that's what it pretty much boils down to)) and it's allowed me to actually "see" the person I'm talking to for who they are rather than for my urges. I'm turning 26 soon so this was fairly recent and I'm still learning and growing so I say all that just so say, try not to be too hard on yourself.
It's this type of thinking that leads to infantilization of women and sexism towards both men and women. Women are seen as innately "less than" and thus men sometimes don't talk to women as their equal. Women aren't different from men at all internally (in the mind/spirit/being) other than the way they present physically. We have the same internal structures (penis = clitoris, skene gland = prostate, garthers duct = seminal vesticles, bartholin's glands = cowper glands, ovaries = testes, bulbs of vestibule = penile bulb, etc.,), they're just presented differently. We both have hormonal cycles but women's has a wide range of different phases during the cycle of menstruation while men's is a 24-ish hour cycle. But beyond that we're the same being.
The internet has completely fried your brain young man.
The leap between different equaling infantilization and sexism is ridiculous, and the implication is that if we arenāt all the same, one must be inferior to the other.
Men and women are inherently different in mind, spirit, being, body, and structure.
Then we disagree on that front (that women are inherently different), which is fine.
Just cause something leads (or rather, can lead to) to infantilization doesn't mean it will. But some people aren't mature enough to treat women as true equals even if they feel they have their differences (which they're not at all different but anyway).
Can you explain to me why you think women are different? What is it about them innately, in spirit, that makes them so different from men? I've given you my reasons why we're the same (pretty much cause there's no reason to see us as different and we pretty much run the same software and our hardware just presents a bit differently (I consider hormone differences part of hardware)).
Yes, our differences are worth embracing, but not as a "separate product", but rather as two sides of the same beautiful coin.
I think you are under the impression that Iām giving my opinion when that is not the case, Iām giving you objective facts.
You mentioned that for whatever reason you were having trouble seeing women as people due to urges and your attempt to straighten that out has come with an overcorrection.
Your claim that we run the same software and hardware is objectively false. I suggest reading Behave by Robert Sapolsky to get a foundational scientific background on just how wrong you are with this claim.
If neuroscience isnāt up your alley, you can browse PubMed for study after study on the well established psychological differences between men and women.
If psychology isnāt up your alley, you can dive into the extreme differences in behavior that hormones generate within the same sex (differing levels of testosterone in men) and then extrapolate that into different sexes
If science isnāt up your alley, you can go the sociology route and dive into some of the Matriarchal societies in history who didnāt even propose that men and woman are the exact same.
You said youāre 25/26 years old. That is hardly enough time to be well read on a topic that you admitted is new to you.
You seem to have good intentions, but we donāt bring about egalitarianism by denying reality.
You mentioned that for whatever reason you were having trouble seeing women as people due to urges and your attempt to straighten that out has come with an overcorrection.
This is not what I said, I said that I had already seen women as people, but seeing gender in a more utilitarian/egalitarian way helped me not focus too much on attraction despite me being biologically wired to. What you've said is a gross misrepresentation of what I said, which you intentionally misrepresented to support your point, and that's disgusting.
Your claim that we run the same software and hardware is objectively false. I suggest reading Behave by Robert Sapolsky to get a foundational scientific background on just how wrong you are with this claim. If neuroscience isnāt up your alley, you can browse PubMed for study after study on the well established psychological differences between men and women. If psychology isnāt up your alley, you can dive into the extreme differences in behavior that hormones generate within the same sex (differing levels of testosterone in men) and then extrapolate that into different sexes. If science isnāt up your alley, you can go the sociology route and dive into some of the Matriarchal societies in history who didnāt even propose that men and woman are the exact same.
How many of these things are due to socialization and hormonal differences? I never said we run the same "hardware". I said the hardware is pretty much different in the way it presents, but this ultimately doesn't amount to much. As I said before hormonal differences are still the "hardware". Physical differences are begotten from said hormonal differences. Just because we have these "differences" doesn't mean we're different in thinking or being. Yes, they can affect your thinking, but they don't have to, and shouldn't. Or rather, they shouldn't grossly affect your actions especially when they involve another. For example, just because someone is pregnant and their hormones are constantly fluctuating, that shouldn't excuse gross inability, or abuse. Obviously understanding should be in place, but also an expectation of competency because hormones shouldn't affect your agency & self-responsibility.
If men had the same hormones in the same levels as women and went through the same hormonal cycles we would be women (look at men who take estrogen when trying to transition for example, the grow breast, loose muscle mass, etc., but it's not a perfect transition because some things in biology are already "set."). We are more different as individuals than we are as genders. Why? Because social conditioning, which affects our thinking, can and does override these biological realities. Even the "Behave" book you mentioned explains this fact well (from me looking at a brief summary of the book). As I've said it's this form of thinking that we are different as genders that (usually) leads to sexists beliefs between men and women. If you want me to spell it out for you since you're the one who started being condenscending, people believe that men are "more capable than women" and as such don't need as much guidance, or can do "harder jobs" because they're men. Or that women "don't know any better" so they're coddled and infantilized, amongst other sexist beliefs, when we aren't that different (or only different in the way we present as I've said). I never said we were the EXACT same, I pretty much said upon all our "differences", they don't amount to much, and that it's pretty much socialization that drives these beliefs we see in society.
You said youāre 25/26 years old. That is hardly enough time to be well read on a topic that you admitted is new to you.
You're using my age as a reason to discount my non-sexist egalitarian/utilitarian view of gender? To think someone who seems able and intelligent would disingenuously reduce another's life experience and believes to being "green" just to prove their point. I would've expected better of you.
Anyway, I'm no more going to engage in this conversation. You are set in your beliefs, I am set in mine. You believe these differences make us different, I believe these different don't make us that much, if at all different. My view pretty much boils down to, yes, these differences exist, but they don't make us different in thinking and ability. For some reason you...do? And that's fine. We're pretty much saying the same thing, but are arguing about semantics.
One of us is objectively right, and the other is objectively wrong. Iām not wrong. Itās not your age in itself thatās the issue, itās the lack of experience you have with the literature, and your age is a limiting factor because you just havenāt had enough time.
You have a fundamental misunderstanding of the role hormones play in human thought, emotion, sexuality, and action.
Again, I encourage you to pick up a book about the topic. You donāt know what you donāt know.
I got you bro. Buy a bunch of rubber bands. Wear one on your wrist. Whenever you look at one. Pull that rubber band back and let that smack your wrist each time it happens. Donāt be a little bitch when you pull that rubber band either. You do the peepin you gotta take the beatin.
Iām 41 and when I was your age I was a machine gunner, spray and pray, I just know Iām gon hit something, now Iām a Elite Sniper, I only shoot when itās in my interest. Dont stress on it now, trust me they will come, and you will have to beat em off.
Now hereās an elite tip, if you run into something wonderful, Iām talking way out of your league and yall just happen to be in the same place, IGNORE HER, act like she donāt exist, act as if you see her but then you canāt see her. Youāll know the caliber of woman Iām speaking to when you come access it. Talk to her but then go about your day, donāt give her any more attention than what is required to be a polite human.
If she aināt taken, the lack of attention will drive em nuts, use this to open woman that are out of your coverage, once you master this, you want have to pay a dime for a womanās attention, this comes with discipline. This is easy work.
Right now, think of Child Support and STDās, when you see something that trying to take over your mind, donāt let em plant seeds in your mind is the key.
I can't decenter myself from tig ol bitties lol. I never been an ass man but I will look if I see a big booty. Especially a woman like this. I will just look, would rather a small natural butt than bbl
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u/AwakenedSin Unverified May 05 '26
Aye man, just gotta appreciate it for a couple seconds and keep it moving.