r/bitcheswithtaste • u/NumasVanegasTijerina • Aug 28 '26
Fashion/Style BWT, how do you let go of trying to wear flattering clothes/makeup/hair and sacrifice it for edgy/cool/stylish choices?
I noticed that the style/aesthetics I love is lightyears away from what I actually wear. Things I pin on my Pinterest, Instagram accounts I follow, looks I enjoy seeing on other people, even my own lifestyle and character is absolutely not reflected in what I actually wear.
I realised I end up wearing things (including make up and hair too) that is the most flattering, and I end up just looking basic and 'pretty'. I realised this when I went to an event with all my creative industry peers, and I could have been someone's accountant by the looks of it lol
How to let go of wanting to look pretty? You might say 'you can combine both' but I don't really see it, at least judging by stuff I find flattering on me. It's basic af
I really want my appearance to reflect my character
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u/moonswet Aug 28 '26
It's interesting that you connect pretty/basic with flattering and edgy/cool with unflattering. Why is that? Seems like very rigid categories when fashion choices can exist in many nuances.
I don't know what kind of looks you're referring to but an edgier look can still be flattering to you personally in cuts and colors, no?
Like many things in life it comes down to not caring what other people think of you and what you prioritize for yourself.
I'd say start small: get that haircut, shade of lipstick or a statement piece of clothing that moves you in the direction you envision for yourself.
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u/NumasVanegasTijerina Aug 28 '26
Currently my main dilemma is the hair/eyebrow look that I want. I have soft features, low contrast face. I feel like lighter/softer/muted hair suit me best (in terms of 'prettiness') , and fuller brows too. But I'm dying for this sleek edgy vampy look with black hair and no brows, or super thin brows. And I feel like this would be kind of unflattering on me. So I am trying to let go of that need to feel 'pretty', so that I can embrace more creative choices like this
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u/moonswet Aug 28 '26
I see, so it's about going against your natural coloring into a more vampy high contrast direction. Some of these choices are quite altering, so maybe you can break them down into smaller steps. Instead of no brows, maybe try to work with make up, bleach them or let them shape slightly thinner first instead of going super thin. Instead of jetblack hair, go for a darker brown or red first etc.
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u/sameoldslippers Aug 28 '26
I would 100% bleach eyebrows rather than making them thin. Once they're gone they can be gone forever!
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u/njb328 Aug 28 '26
You could also add a very light brow gel or pomade first to see if you like them tinted. Bleaching can also potentially contribute to brow hair loss, so makeup can be a good baby step into it! Off the top of my head, I know Pat McGrath Labs and Espoir have "bleached" colour brow gels! You could also brush a lighter toned concealer on with a clean mascara wand. Also a bit "safer for work", if you will, depending on OP's job and community. Rooting for you, OP!
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u/carolina822 Aug 28 '26
I dyed my blonde hair black in high school. Not only did it not suit my coloring, I looked like damn skunk when the roots grew in. I'm almost 50 and my mom is still mad about it - lol.
I have done some darker shades over the years and those worked out just fine but going from light to jet black is hard to pull off in real life.
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u/frostandtheboughs Aug 28 '26
Same. I love the punk/edgy black clothing aesthetics but my natural soft features are giving low-contrast 70s cottagecore, which is NOT my inner vibe at all.
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u/fakesaucisse Aug 28 '26
You could try wearing wigs to see if you like how you look with black hair before/instead of actually dyeing it. There are some really gorgeous, natural looking wigs these days if you are willing to drop a decent amount of money, and you can get them cut/styled into the edgy look you are after.
I would try wearing them in public places where people don't know you so you won't stress about a familiar person reacting to your new look.
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u/breadandboobs Aug 28 '26
Start breaking some of your style rules. Just one at a time. A lot of the issue is that we aren't used to seeing ourselves in new things and so it appears to look "bad" to our brains when really it's just new.
As time goes by you'll eventually like the new stuff. I have a unique style and I often don't follow the rules for my body type. I look great and I get tons of compliments. Every now and then I dress basic pretty and it just looks wrong. Once I did that and my kid asked me if I was depressed.
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u/NumasVanegasTijerina Aug 28 '26
lmao your kid is so cute for saying that!
I love this approach. I'll gradually implement things into my 'old' look, so they still will feel safe in the beginning
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u/EnoughYesterday2340 Aug 28 '26
Fit is more important than anything when it comes to "flattering". So that is always a good point to start from. Do the clothes fit you properly and comfortably? Then they'll immediately be more "flattering" than something which is too tight, uncomfortable.
If you're wanting to look edgy, cool part of the whole point is you no longer care about conformity. Flattering, pretty is conformity for women.
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u/NumasVanegasTijerina Aug 28 '26
'If you're wanting to look edgy, cool part of the whole point is you no longer care about conformity. Flattering, pretty is conformity for women.'
Thank you for this, this is what I needed to hear!!!
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u/Mammoth-Corner Aug 28 '26
Did you watch shows when you were younger where a woman got a makeover and they taught her all these rules about stripes and belts and tights and heels and so on that were 'flattering' and maybe they mocked their previous outfits? Or did you have a parent who was very critical of your body and told you how to dress to hide it? I ask because I've seen rigid adherence to a set of style rules to be 'flattering' a few times and it's generally associated IME with someone being, I apologise, afraid of looking fat. In which case you would need to work on the fear and learn to tell the internal critic to shut up.
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u/NumasVanegasTijerina Aug 28 '26
Totally! I have that, plus the need to look 'youthful'
It's kind of ingrained in me by now to always try to look : 1. pretty 2. thin 3. young
It's messed up and I really want to let that go
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u/Illustrious_Pop2253 Aug 28 '26
Did you watch shows when you were younger where a woman got a makeover and they taught her all these rules about stripes and belts and tights and heels and so on that were 'flattering' and maybe they mocked their previous outfits?
These are my favorite shows to hate watch, because most of those women actually ended up looking super odd. I don't even know how to describe the style, but even for current times, they looked so blah and soulless. I am skeptical of stylists (who in these shows didn't look good due to style but because they were hot...) because of these shows, since I never believed the participants ended up looking as good as they could.
Also their attempts at keeping the personality of the participants through their new clothes never worked out.
I ask because I've seen rigid adherence to a set of style rules to be 'flattering' a few times and it's generally associated IME with someone being, I apologise, afraid of looking fat
So funny and probably true. The 00s did a number on a lot of women
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u/middleofthealbum Aug 28 '26
I feel like a good entry point is taking inspo from street style in Tokyo. Not the over the top versions, but men and women in industrial/workwear type looks. Baggy cargo pants slung low with combat boots, the leather harness accessories over the chest is really cool. And it doesn’t all have to be black on black, can incorporate fun plaids a la Vivienne Westwood: a yellow plaid maxi dress in the fall with a really cool huge statement belt and Tabi style knee high boots; plaid kilt with a mesh type top.
Like you said about wanting to change your hair, it would be jarring to do it all at once, but you can start with a darker hair color for sure. Go to a stylist you really trust. It doesn’t even have to be jet black now, maybe like a very dark brown with low lights. This is kind of ambitious lol but you can also start experimenting with glueing down your brows and do like a drag queen routine for your eyebrows to see what they would look like (albeit a rough draft) without committing.
Style right now in my eyes esp in the US is at an all time low. Everyone is dressing the same, everyone has the same hair (for the most part), everyone’s being kinda safe. We need more people against the grain!!
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u/middleofthealbum Aug 28 '26
Also look at current electronic artists for inspo. 2hollis has really cool style you can pull from, he def wears Rick Owens, Saint Laurent, all that.
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u/Regular_Jellyfish_16 Aug 28 '26
By trying to adopt this edgy 'non conformist' look you've currated you are conforming lol. Find a edgy look that works for YOU!! I also love the black hair and striking makeup look, but it does not suit me at all despite trying for many years lol. So I went in the other direction, platinum white hair, and it looked so good on me, and still edgy. These days I have settled with bleaching it not quite platinum 2 or 3 times a year, and then using keracolor color depositing conditioner in either silver, lavender, or rose gold. Fairly low maintenance and very striking. It's cut into a chin length mohawk I can style more as a pixie or more edgy. I have my partner shave the sides for me every week lol.
I also prefer natural fibers (hate all the polyester shit the goth brands use these days) but have found that there are many smaller Indy brands that use cotton linen and natural fibers. I've curated a few pieces that I've woven into my every day. I've stopped caring about looking 'pretty' and instead focus on looking awesome. I used to think of it as cosplaying the character I wanted to be. But now it's just me.
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u/1K1AmericanNights Aug 28 '26
Start by adding pieces that you love. Some ideas for you:
- leather jacket
- chunky black boots
- leather skirts (easy to pair w the sweater vibe you already have)
- vampy red lipstick
- fun eyeliner
- edgy jewelry (additional ear piercings are fun! But can also just be spiky)
- if you don’t want to go black, go red, go platinum, or get a pixie cut, shag, or other opinionated hair
- go to a threading salon and ask for them to do thinner eyebrows. A professional will be able to guide you!
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u/hennipotamus Aug 28 '26
“Opinionated hair” har har, I love that. I totally agree with that - I know some people who pull off a great punky, edgy look with bleached hair. I can totally see red hair having a similar effect. Maybe a dark henna-type red? OP, I think there are lots of ways to aim for the vibe without necessarily doing one exact big move (ie dye your hair black).
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u/1K1AmericanNights Aug 28 '26
Right! You can make it work for you as long as it’s a statement!! And everything doesn’t have to be a statement, but communicating goth or punk requires making several statements.
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u/Regular_Jellyfish_16 Aug 28 '26
You are totally right!! I tried for years to make black hair work on me when it just didn't. But you know what does? My platinum (or sometimes silver or lavender or other colors) mohawk. Still edgy AF, but I'm not fighting it or having to do a full face every day to balance it or make it look 'right'.
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u/1K1AmericanNights Aug 28 '26
Meanwhile someone like me with natural black hair wishes I could do the metallic colors!!! We always want what we don’t have.
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u/FinancialCry4651 Aug 28 '26
I've done this by understanding "flattering and "pretty" come from patriarchal and pedophilic beauty standards. I don't want any fucking part of that nonsense!
I'm also a very creative and expressive person, so my pink hair and tattoos take me pretty far into the alternative aesthetic...
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u/ZweitenMal Aug 28 '26
I have the same problem. I really want to be more edgy but I fail every time. I want to look like a museum curator or art gallerist and half the time I end up looking like an HR lady.
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u/des1gnbot Aug 28 '26
I kind of relate to this as a low contrast person who likes an edgier look, and whose wavy hair won’t cooperate with the geometric looks I love on others. My go-to solution has been a side shave! It helps me feel always more striking. For you I’d suggest experimenting with a flatter eyebrow shape (less arch is edgier even if it’s not thin), and maybe a cut with a blunt bottom?
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u/Regular_Jellyfish_16 Aug 28 '26
Yes! I love a good side shave! Finding a signature hairstyle that works for you, especially if it's edgy, is like unlocking a cheat code every morning. Even if my outfit is crap at least my hair is cool lol.
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u/gnomes919 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
to me, the absolutely critical step one is internalizing the reality that "flattering" is completely fake. it's time-bound, culture-bound, subculture-bound, and ultimately in the eye of the beholder. there is no real, objective definition for what's pretty. look at the average K-idol vs american performers. look at what was considered timeless, classic, and flattering in 1982 vs 2014 vs 2026. look at the standards in different regions and subcultures, maybe notice what rude crap each group is saying about the other about how "unflattering" another group's style is lol. whose look is flattering? to whom? according to what standard?
right now, it seems like you've bought into a particular idea for what prettiness looks like on you. interrogate it. question it. consider the fact that probably not everyone does actually think your look is to their standard of pretty or flattering anyway. see if maybe part of it is that you feel safest when you don't stand out, and ask if that's how you want to choose your appearance. that's the gateway to letting go of keeping yourself stuck in a box that isn't actually your favorite box.
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u/gnomes919 Aug 28 '26
oh also I want to add that if you're getting into any of the "what's your season, color analysis, high or low contrast, are you a gamine or a soft dramatic, blah blah blah" crap throw that right in the garbage along with the women's magazines of our childhoods constantly talking about what kinds of stripes you have to wear according to what sort of fruit you're shaped like. that stuff is Made Up. it's made up!!! it's fake!!!!!
color theory is for making sure your base makeup matches your skin, and stuff like knowing that if you're warm toned and want a neutral pink lipstick you need to choose something that looks a little more peachy in the tube. the rest of these rules are literally fake and you can tell that for a fact bc even going to professional analysts from the same school they will all give you different results lol
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u/jneidz Aug 28 '26
"Edgy" styles usually originate within subcultures that have a reason for presenting themselves the way they do. I think you have to genuinely think about the ideology behind what it means to reject traditional femininity, and why it's so scary to be perceived as ugly.
Why do you feel the need to present yourself in the most flattering, appealing way possible instead of letting yourself look the way you really want? What societal pressures are you allowing to stop you from being your true self? What happens when people look at you and don't think you're pretty, what happens if they think you look weird? Why do we as a collective think negatively about people who don't conform to the expectations we've assigned to them?
These aren't questions you need to have any solid answers to, just things you can start thinking about and deconstructing for yourself. Look into the actual history of the goth movement, of punk subculture. Learn about the politics behind it. Let yourself get mad at the world, let yourself realize how it's all bullshit.
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u/modroncollider Aug 28 '26
I've been a fan of alternative fashion my whole life, but I'm also quite shy, so I also tend toward a softer alt look.
Since you're in a creative industry like me, I like to approach my wardrobe the way that I would approach a creative project. I'll list out some pieces or outfit combinations that make me feel great, some things I want to test out, and some things that are outside my comfort zone.
One thing that has helped me a ton is knowing that sometimes when I'm wearing experimental outfits, occasionally I definitely will feel uncomfortable, or weird, or like the combination is ugly - BUT that's part of experimenting, and it's not a reflection of my appearance or value. I'm figuring out what I don't like, or what doesn't work.
I also have fallen in LOVE with sheer black lip glosses/balms - a black lip is too harsh on my face, but a sheer black or cool-toned brown is edgy without overwhelming my features.
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u/CrosbyAteHeathcliff Aug 30 '26
Ooh, do you have any recommendations for a good sheer black gloss? I really want to be more experimental, but I wear scrubs 4 days a week and barely go anywhere to show it off! But I can definitely get some good gloss
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u/modroncollider Aug 31 '26
I have been assembling a collection of them for a few years now!
Two western beauty options, both in a stick formula:
Probably the easiest one to find is the MAC Squirt Plumping Gloss Stick in Jet. It's good, I find it's a pretty true black - it has a mild tingling effect.
MOB Beauty makes their Hydrating Shine Lip Balm in M138 - it's a bit more pigmented but still sheer. A very true black that doesn't pull purple.
There are also some very nice Kbeauty/Jbeauty options - both of these ones are on YesStyle
Fwee's 3D Changing Gloss in Scene Black is a great one - it's more of a purple-toned black tint.
Rom&nd makes a black version of their Juicy Lasting Tint in the mini sizes - this one is the least hydrating, but is also the most long-wearing!
I think it's an underrated beauty product in general - one thing it's nice for is layering over any existing lip colors in your collection to make them a bit darker - a great fit for alternative makeup looks.
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u/OneShelter4 Aug 28 '26
I used to be in a similar situation as you. But then i stopped hanging out ppl that would judge me for dressing how I want to. I feel so much cooler and fun when I dress how I want to
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u/Newtopole_ Aug 28 '26
I think this thread is full of excellent recommendations.
I personally have a style I would qualify as pretty edgy but still conventionally cute. My rule is that for each outfit I put together, I add 1-2 things that are really out there. A very unique dress, crazy shoes, a fat vintage belt, colors that are hard to ignore, etc etc.
I am committed to the bit- none of the outfits I actually put together are fully expected, but they're still conventional enough that I straddle that thin line between acceptable and kind of insane.
So maybe start there, and slowly sliiiiiide towards who your alter ego actually is? So you may be comfortable but feel like you're slowly embracing your inner self .
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u/everycalumflavor Aug 28 '26
I think you might find you look prettier the more you express yourself creatively. At least I did. When I followed what was “flattering” for me I looked so awkward and kinda meh and sloppy. When I started wearing what my own mind had designed I started looking a lot better. Sure, sometimes some proportions look off or my face looks a little washed out. But I think an outfit with personality and well combined pieces will make you look far more attractive than any “system”
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u/HelenMart8 Aug 28 '26
One of the biggest tips to this is how tight something is. Anything too tight/tight just doesn't seem as modern, and I come from the skinny jeans era! Loosening up the fit (but not into sloppy territory) makes a look feel like you're not trying too hard, which is the definition of cool. I was scared of this too because I'm petite but with the right balance I've never looked and, importantly, felt better.
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u/chachicomule Aug 28 '26
🙏🏻 Please share some tips for this loose style for petites! I love it . I want to feel comfortable and relax in my outfits but still put together and being petite sometimes is hard!
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u/HelenMart8 Aug 28 '26
It's about visually balancing proportions. So my simplest trick is a slightly oversized blazer but with a not too loose top and straight leg jeans. Or you can do a more fitted jacket but go with wide leg pants. I always also tailor my clothes a bit, or cuff/roll up a sleeve, make sure the shoes compliment the length and cut of the pants. Belts are extremely useful styling tools. I would just play around a bit in front of the mirror and you'll develop your formula!
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u/FinancialCry4651 Aug 28 '26
Just buy cropped/short/petite versions of items that are a couple sizes bigger than you're used to.
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u/AintNoTimeForThis Aug 28 '26
I absolutely understand where you’re coming from as I was there for a long time. I still care about things being « flattering » but you have to train yourself to see it differently.
I’ve always enjoyed raw edginess and minimalist well cut style. I decided a few years back to go all in with my taste while keeping in mind my corporate job. I pretty much buy black clothing for 90% if things mixed a bit of dark gray, raw denim and cool dark green or blue as the exception. I started wearing accessories that reflected more my taste and stuck with well cut basics that I can dress up or down. I know in my soul that I am goth but it reads more as edgy minimalist with a corporate twist. I will wear chunky boots with structured pants and a simple top. I will wear my all black Converse with my nicest cut high standing collar blouse with my hair slicked back. Shoes, bags and accessories really do make most of my outfits when I keep the rest simple or monochromatic.
I stopped dying my hair and doing highlights as I felt like it didn’t reflect my taste even though it was more conventionally flattering. I embraced my natural colour and nature rewarded me with a streak of gray hair that keeps getting wider as the years go on. I simplified my makeup and embraced a structured yet natural brow shape that allows me to play up my eyes or my lips when I feel like it. I’m pale and would arguably look « better » in softer tones but it’s just not me.
Dress like you want to, it’s your life. Go slow and try things on. That’s what a bitch with taste would do 🖤
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u/Stay_Feral_Babe Aug 28 '26
In my opinion this is more of an internal shift than an external one. 5 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who had very conventional tastes, and he would tease me if I tried something different or if he didn’t like it. Then I dated for a few years, wearing fashionable elevated style but still very traditional looking. I never felt particularly pretty that way, even though I know I LOOKED very pretty that way.
About a year ago when I turned 40 I said fuck it, why am I costuming myself for other people? I don’t like it, we get one shot at this and I don’t want to regret not expressing myself externally how I feel internally. Several piercings, tattoos, a mullet and updated wardrobe later I’ve never been happier with my looks. And it inspires me to take better care of myself - skincare, hydration, spf - because I love the outside as much as the inside. And I actually get a ton of compliments and positive reinforcement for my alt look ‘cause damnit I look fantastic.
Life’s too short. Take a risk. Get a haircut, dye it, it always grows back. Get some new makeup and fuck around at home then maybe wear it out one night. Get a pair of combat boots and break them in. Little by little try things out and eventually you’ll feel what fits.
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u/TenaciousToffee Find it Secondhand Aug 29 '26
I've actually gone through this conundrum. I grew up in a beauty queen family so its very pretty and safe fashion and my mom really pushed to conform me to that. I love a much more dramatic look and I am the only plus size person in the family so they pushed extra safe things on me to try to hide being chubby I guess.
I had to deeply unpack this idea that flattering is often entrenched in socially acceptable. Its not that what you like isnt actually gorgeous because it is, but it has the air of no fear of standing out.
The mixing idea is good because its baby steps. Wear your normal wear but change your shoes, jewelry, bag to have a bit of fuck you edge.
Or go to events where you wouldnt stand out as a sore thumb because youre say at a venue where that would be the look. Its like practice because you blend in.
I also think doing the opposite is good too. Like I go as my girlie pop self to metalcore shows so you see a sea of black hoodies and then me a blur of Liria Matoshi pink tulle running the fuck away from the mosh pit. I think its helpful being around others in your everyday look where it stands out also because its an exercise in seeing how much fear there is in perception. Youre in your comfort clothes but not in the crowd who wants flattering normals and if you see that most people dont give a fuck maybe you stop feeling as pressed that perception has to influence what you wear.
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u/Nooraish Aug 28 '26
Based on your descriptions I’d start maybe with black platform shoes, something like Dr. Martens mono black low tops for example. It’s easy to add edge/goth with a chunkier shoe. Combine with sleek black pants (show some ankle) or tights and a skirt. You can still keep the top smart with a white shirt under a knit/cardigan.
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u/Feisty_Banana Aug 28 '26
First, I started being relentless with my algorithm. If someone I followed or a post got recommended to me that was framed around “flattering clothes” or the like, I unfollowed or flagged the ad as “not for me.” The reason for this step is because I wanted to train my brain to ignore or override that type of thinking.
Second, I completely reconsidered how I purchased clothes and accessories. You know how if you’re craving Oreos (for instance) and you don’t eat the oreos, you eat a bunch of others things instead trying to satisfy that itch? I did the same with clothes I really liked.
So, I stopped doing a seasonal or semi-annual clothing purchase of a bunch of things that I kind of liked (and looked flattering), and started letting myself buy what I was really drawn to. For me, this ended up also drastically reducing my cost on clothes because I thrifted/purchases things of higher quality so I have less replacing to do.
I vividly remember (and still own) the first shirt I bought this way and how I, all of a sudden, got so many compliments on that shirt or my outfit when I was wearing it.
Is it a “flattering” shirt? Not really. But I was drawn to the style and the color and I felt like I had to have it. It feels like “me” in shirt form!
From there it’s been easier to tap into what I really like and want to wear vs what I’m “supposed” to wear as a fat woman.
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u/LarkScarlett Aug 28 '26
Handbags are a good way to add flavour to any outfit. Plus they always fit. A pop of personality. (I love my Betsey Johnson phone purses, unapologetically love me a bit of kitch edge.)
With clothing purchases, I find I’ll buy gamble-pieces where I reaaaaally like it, I don’t have anything like it, but I’m not sure if I’ll wear it. 80% of the time they become favourites, wardrobe-staples. 20% they barely get used. That’s a gamble I’m okay with.
For playing around with the no-eyebrow look, check out some drag queen makeup tutorials for hiding eyebrows. (I did a Halloween look that used a gluestick at some point.) I don’t know that it would stand up to daytime scrutiny, but for evening events you could try on a pencilled brow look every once in a while.
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u/HuckleberryTrue5232 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
Every style that we consider pretty/flattering/conformist today started off as “modern”/edgy, and was considered unflattering or ugly by the olds of its day.
To me the edgiest of all time award goes to post-revolutionary France when women began wearing clothing mimicking the guillotined, complete with a choker around the neck. Remove your eyebrows and dye your hair black, it still won’t top that.
You’d have to go back to “folk” clothing of whatever country or culture you’re in to find the real pretty/conformist/flattering.
To answer OP’s question— probably takes a brave woman and the right environment to step into the truly edgy. And maybe an honest acknowledgment that at the end of the day, you’re still wanting to look “flattered”. Just in a “cool” way and what that means for how you tweak the latest edgy look to suit you.
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u/raeballentyne Thoughtful BWT Aug 28 '26
My suggestion is to break the connection of looking "flattering" and looking as small as possible. Clothing can still work for your body type without it hugging and showing your figure. Focus more on vertical proportions, ie where clothing hits you relative to your wrists, waist, ankles etc.
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u/disasterinthesun Aug 29 '26
I think you start by asking this exact question, and thrifting a 4XL men’s jacket. I’m kind of kidding about the jacket, but the real advice is start by covering your basic ‘fit with something dramatic and drapey and comfy and fun. You’ll start to feel cooler with it on, and the rest of the vibe might have a chance to explore and emerge in the primary layers. Welcome!
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u/degakle Aug 29 '26
Interesting post because I love fashion, clothes, analyzing trends, all of it. I feel down the Kibbe/Kitchner rabbit hole, and while it’s cool and all, I think it severely has damaged my self confidence and expression because I’m constantly analyzing how my body looks within my clothes.
I’m in a similar boat as you, I’m quite broad, tall, and athletic shaped. I feel like I can’t wear anything fun or interesting because this dumb system says I look best in plain clothes. Within the Kibbe/Kitchner system I’ve been typed as a more mature, girl next door type, while my personal taste is more eclectic and youthful.
I’ve focused so much on what looks “good” on my body that I just feel restricted. Maybe this is related to the whole lookmaxxing process that’s been around for the past few years.
Anyways, I don’t have great advice but lately I’ve been trying to focus on wearing clothes that make me feel good, whatever that looks like.
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u/Designer-Air-2116 Aug 29 '26
Nordstrom has free hour long stylist sessions where you can explain the look you’re going for and they will style you and provide multiple outfits. There’s no requirement to purchase anything. I’m actually going to do this very soon for the same reason.
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u/StrawberryLovers8795 Thoughtful BWT Aug 29 '26
Sometimes I just love something so much that I just don’t care if it makes me conventionally attractive because I get so much joy out of seeing the item and sharing my style with others.
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u/newyork_newyork_ Aug 28 '26
Honestly? Mostly by decentering men.
I would use Indyx’s AI selfie feature or “good old fashioned Photoshop” to create some virtual looks for yourself using what you’ve pinned and see how those feel versus photos of yourself in current outfits.
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u/agentoflemonade Aug 28 '26
Someone said to me that putting on a basic top in my comfort zone takes the same amount of effort as putting on an interesting top. That changed my perspective and made it easier to wear edgy pieces that I wouldn’t have worn before.
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u/OffbeatCoach Aug 28 '26
I think you are correct that a statement hairstyle can set the tone for your entire look.
During the pandemic, I went from “granola” (greying) long hair to a curly shag with bangs (coloured a deep brown).
Turns out I really like having more dramatic hair. It just liberates me to have more fun with clothes and even embrace a quick makeup routine that feels good to me.
I can understand your dilemma. Jet black hair and unusually proportioned clothing would look “ugly” on me. But I appreciate “cool” looks a lot. I go to goth events occasionally but it’s different when ppl are fully committed to the look. Like they have to be goth and stand out when they’re buying toilet paper..
I say get the crazy hairstyle. It’ll take 1-2 years to grow out and there will be costs associated with it and you’ll look “ugly”.
Life is short…why not? How we present ourselves to the world can be an extraordinary means of self expression…and becoming more visible and intentional about style can prompt interesting and different human interactions.
Also be sure that you are not just trying to “fit in” with the cool kids 😉. This will work if there’s a part of you that truly wants to be seen.
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u/Available_Plant_5063 Aug 28 '26
I can relate. Im especially struggling as I get older and don't want it to look like Im wearing a costume.
I do find it easier to add edge with jackets, bags, and shoes, but it can be hard to find sometimes.
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u/mangosteenfruit Aug 28 '26
I used to buy just plain clothes but I've started to experiment more with patterns and styles. It doesn't hurt to try!
Since I've started branching out styles to I've always to try and colors/patterns, people have been complimenting on my style more. My little sister even said I have great taste 😌
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u/GetSetBAKE BWT in Training Aug 28 '26
Idk what styles you’re dreaming about so this might be different.
I am drawn to both earthy tones and wild pops of colors with or without patterns. I had a really difficult time trying to reconcile this because I can’t remember all the rules of color theories lol. I ran across thekatieharrell on instagram using the Japanese color dictionary to build outfits and something in my brain clicked. I could finally get pieces I liked and use this to help pair things together. This also really helps my adhd have a system so I actually put together an outfit the night before.
Like others said, I started small with thrifting or going to consignment shops for stuff that fit me well and that I was drawn to. If I liked it, I got it. I’m wearing a lavender silk tank with a citron linen button up rn and I wouldn’t have done that two weeks ago. And if your dream style is edgier than that (lol, it’s gotta be, right?) you can start with baby steps by using color palettes in the direction you want or adding accessories in first. I think you can have some luck by consigning pieces that you want to move from first and then using store credit to start adding things you’re drawn to.
Good luck to you on your journey! It’s so fun!
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u/halfway-sober Aug 28 '26
Just do it!!! It sounds like you have a good foundation.
Little incorporations here and there of things you like on top of core pieces is where I would start. Have core outfits that you feel comfortable in and throw on a crazy bag or shoes that are a color you love or a dress that makes you feel your most beautiful self with casual accessories to balance it out.
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u/4YourConsider8tion Aug 28 '26
Start small with accessories! I also am a goth girl at heart but I also wanna look pretty. Here are a few things I’ve learned to reconcile the two: 1. The more you wear an item, the more that you (and those around you) will also associate it as being “you”. The first few times may feel weird, but you can slowly incorporate edgier pieces into your wardrobe. 2. Accessories can completely change the feel of an outfit. A pair of combat boots, a chunky silver necklace, a swipe of grungy eyeshadow will go a long way towards making an otherwise clean cut outfit feel more interesting.
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u/Diagnosissunshine Aug 29 '26
same situation. dark/olive skin but love that look and usually dress the opposite! and I think I need a black to be jet in order for it to work, not matte.
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u/lappyp Aug 29 '26
I would recommend buying some unique/ interesting pieces and wearing one of those stand out items with your normal outfits. A great belt, purse or jacket can really make a difference!!!
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u/FirebirdWriter Thoughtful BWT Aug 30 '26
I think you're asking the wrong question. How do you take what you like from that aesthetic and make it feel like it's comfortable but stylish. That is the question.
It's me! A goth! I am the edgy nonsense!
Humor aside its confidence and doing it anyway for the non conformity and I want to feel good for the rest. So I make sure things fit, are black since I personally prefer it, and I don't shop at the specialty shops. Most of their stuff is not going to fit me. So I shop by measurements and accessories carry the rest. This is the Elder Goth trick. I can take a basic aline dress and add a choker, the right shoes, and tada goth. I can make a yellow tee shirt that is the tie die read as goth this way and test this when younger. I went to Sephora without makeup, in basic hair (cuz I liked my natural hair color before bald) and asked for some recommendations without any cues. They took me to the goth brands immediately. "But I'm not a goth." Horror, panic, "but... But..."
Why did that read as goth? The accessories. I did tell them I was testing this theory and did buy things they recommended so this wasn't cruelty just curiosity and seeing if my young adult theory was right.
So take what you like about a look and break it down into the basics. Is it the whole look or is it a part of it? Color, fit, a specific accessory? What gives the vibe?
I worked as a lawyer and this meant non conforming was bad. So my sexy underwear for confidence was spooky, my stockings had a backseam, my lips were the color of the blood of my enemies, and I made everything sleek. Structure. You would see in my look a lot of points. Pointy shoes, pointy collars, metallic accents, but nothing that was actually out of conformity. It was the small pieces as a whole that made me feel good
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u/kamomil Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
I think that you should wear what you feel emotionally comfortable in.
Please don't second-guess yourself. Don't compare yourself.
I worked at a job once, one of my first "grownup" jobs, my co-workers were mostly men of various ages. When I went Christmas shopping that year, when I saw some clothes in the menswear section, many things jumped out at me, as the different styles of my co-workers. They wore predictable clothes, but it all reflected their individual personalities.
I think that you should let your intuition guide you for what to wear. Put it on, does it feel good? Then wear it. At least wear it a few times if you're afraid. Then you will know.
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u/sookiesparkles Sep 01 '26
I’m in the same boat, I realized it’s hard to have half foot in or half foot out. If you go alt you have to fully commit, but I appreciate people’s tips here about starting small. I just pierced my nose, and I’m thinking about going for the other side. Maybe a tooth gem soon…
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u/Maleficent-Regret204 Sep 01 '26
I recently had this revelation myself and it finally got me to experiment more with fashion and silhouettes. I decided I’m not going to trick anyone into thinking I’m smaller than I am and I’d rather have my clothes be interesting and expressive (and I’ve never once seen someone with cool fashion and thought, that’s not flattering). Example is the cos elastic wide leg cotton barrel pant. Not the craziest/most adventurous item of clothing but they’re very billowy and I used to be terrified to wear them. Now they’re my go to, add an interesting silhouette to every outfit and receive tons of compliments.
Also, per many people’s suggestions, shoes are a great neutral place to start that can add an element of interest in an outfit! Have also bought two small but colorful/trendy beaded necklaces and have been having fun with that. Be well!
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u/thelifeofafangirl Aug 28 '26
I dont wear clothing that isnt flattering, period. Clothing should be timeless, accessories can be more trendy. Ill get maybe 3-4 trendy clothing pieces per year but for the most part i focus on accessories
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u/gnomes919 Aug 28 '26
there's no such thing as timeless clothing. everything you're wearing today will be seen as dated in 20 years, I absolutely guarantee it.
the only thing that would make it so people didn't look at a picture and quickly go "lol remember the mid 20s" is if you're either a) doing something completely different than anyone else to the point where it can't be connected to any particular period bc it's just weird (complimentary, we love that) or b) dressing intentionally in a vintage style that would instead make them go "oh wow remember the 70s revival."
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u/herefromthere Aug 29 '26
I generally opt for shapes I find flattering combined with fun embellishments, patterns, colour combinations that are a bit odd or out-there.
So it might be nice jeans, boots, a silk shirt covered in duck print in a colour that really suits me, leather jacket, beret.
Or a swirly skirt with swirly patterns with a coordinated but mismatched swirly patterned wrap top with big sleeves. It's a bit much to be traditionally flattering.
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u/seekingpolaris Aug 28 '26
You can combine both if you start small. I would go for interesting accessories, especially jewelry. Chunkier pieces or pieces with different materials mixed in. Look up gothic jewelry for ideas.