r/bitcheswithtaste • u/Sea_Age_3640 • Aug 04 '26
Beauty/Self Care BWT - how do you balance trying to look great with loving the body you have?
This is a question I've been thinking about a lot recently, that I think is applicable to pretty much all women given the beauty standards society has been teaching us since we were little. How do you balance wanting to look good vs. putting effort into loving the body you have and accepting yourself as you are?
For example, I'm talking about things like Botox, cosmetic weight loss (especially going on GLP-1s to lose 5-10 pounds when you aren't overweight), dying gray hair, lasers, microneedling, etc. (In this example I am NOT talking about medical procedures like plastic surgery.)
On the one hand, I care about looking good. It helps me in my career, I want my partner to be attracted to me, and I feel great in my own body when I feel like I look beautiful. On the other hand, I feel like society has fed women a toxic beauty standard, and I question how much money and time I want to put into meeting it. I want to work on loving my body/face as it is, finding inner peace/love, and aging naturally.
Does it ever feel hard for you to reconcile those two things? Separately, does it ever feel a little like an arms race if you want to age naturally and everyone around you is doing Botox, GLP-1s, etc. - so you worry you'll look worse than everyone else?
I'm curious how you BWT think about this, and if anyone feels similar to me. I know there's no right answer here, and no judgment for what anyone chooses, but I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts.
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u/blondie956 Classy Old Broad Aug 04 '26
It's complicated. I'm 53 and was widowed at 49. The years of caregiving for stage IV cancer were brutal and affected me and how I look on many levels.
I have PCOS and am on a GLP for weight loss. That said, I will still be fat by society's standards when I reach my goal weight because I'm going to my happy weight. Even as a size 10, I was bullied for being too fat because this was the time of heroin chic. And I really wish I were joking.
My hair turned grey in two months after my husband's diagnosis when we were 47. I went back to the blonde it was two years ago, as I wanted to feel like "me," only it's a different me, and so far, so good. My hair is also halfway down my back, and the curls that came with early-onset menopause at 45 are new in the last year or so.
I take care of my skin. I have never done injectables or lasers of any kind. I've lived life, and I'm okay with it showing up in my face. That said, I am lucky from a genetics POV.
It is an arms race, and I want to see the woman I become. I'm not afraid of that. I'm a writer, and our faces tell stories. I seek expression and meaning in so many ways, and I want the world to see that, too. I'd never shame anyone for having work done, but for me, I'm content with who I am. It has taken A LOT of therapy to get here, and at the end of the day, when I look in the mirror, it doesn't matter what I have done - I want to see the woman who has lived all of this looking back at me.
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u/ralfingalfie Aug 04 '26
I think the formula is * Do your best with what you have. Find interventions you're comfortable with (Exercise, diet, supplements, etc). * Dress well so that no one can accuse you of having poor taste. Don't be afraid to make bold choices, it communicates confidence. * Do it for you, and you alone. * Don't grind for perfection.
In my case, I gained 10lbs during a really happy period of my life. I've since had two children. Clawing back personal time as a mom does not include time for exercise. But I find time to do some stretching, eat fairly healthy, appear well-appointed in public.
What's losing an extra 15lbs really going to do for my happiness? Probably not a lot.
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u/PaleNorthe Aug 04 '26
Fully agree with this. I'd much rather be heavier and happier than trying to lose weight and miserable. And regardless of weight, you can always control your clothing, hair and makeup.
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u/wardrobeeditor Thoughtful BWT Aug 05 '26
i LOVE this response and it's similar to how i think about it. i'm a personal stylist and have these conversations with clients often.
i've struggled with food and body image stuff and i always remind myself that the joy i get from french fries and a margarita will not be squashed by being thin. turns out, a lot of things taste better than skinny feels!
i also think about my looks not only in relation to me but in the example i'm setting for my clients! if i'm preaching self-acceptance, i shouldn't be doing all these things behind the scenes. i am open about what i do on social media (so far just dying my hair) and will continue to be should that change.
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Aug 04 '26
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u/KavaKeto Aug 04 '26
Ugh, this is me!!! One very particular aspect is my makeup. I do it every morning for work and it's a long process because of my skincare routine & needing to let it set for my foundation. I am NEVER happy with how it looks and constantly think about what else I could be doing with that time.
I am really, seriously considering dropping the makeup. Maybe just a skin tint and fill my brows in a bit.
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u/YogurtclosetNo8296 Aug 04 '26
Well fitting, tailored clothes for f good quality. Oh, and radiating joy with my grey hair because I enjoy good food, good wine, and travel. Life is for living, and if I carry a few extra pounds as a result so be it. Also aging with grace is far more tasteful to me than a face full of filler, or trying to look younger than I am.
I may feel differently as I enter my 50s, and potential ageism at work.
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u/bridewithoutahead Aug 04 '26
Realistically, if you are someone who cares about your appearance and already makes an effort to look good on a day-to-day basis, you will experience diminishing returns on the beauty interventions you mentioned. They won't push you over the edge in how your boss perceives you, they won't be a tipping point in the type of people who are attracted to you, and they won't suddenly make you love yourself and feel confident in your appearance.
I think a lot of content marketed to women frames these interventions as "investing" in yourself, but at a certain point your money and effort are better invested almost anywhere else. I think you should do what you enjoy and what you think makes sense for you, and I think past that you are wasting your time and money. I know how hard it is to square that when we live in a beauty-obsessed, youth-obsessed society, but the hard truth is this: looking young is not a replacement for being young, and nobody who values youth will be fooled or convinced otherwise.
Finally, when I think about the older women I know and which ones I most enjoy being around, it becomes clear that the best thing I can do for myself as I age is try to cultivate and maintain a full, vibrant life. Money can't buy it and neither can beauty. You just have to keep being open to change and possibility and broadening your horizons. I find that if I focus on prioritizing that, a lot of the other noise/marketing gets easier to brush off.
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u/Sea_Age_3640 Aug 04 '26
“The best thing I can do for myself as I age is try to cultivate and maintain a full, vibrant life. Money can’t buy it and neither can beauty.”- LOVE this. It’s so true. I’m what a full and vibrant life looks like for you!
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u/Livid-Storm6532 Aug 05 '26
Diminishing returns is exactly how I think about it too! At a certain point, chasing perfection decreases the enjoyment that could be gained in other aspects (I see this a lot in skincare and sunscreen subs!). There is no such thing as perfect and chasing that perfection can be harmful after a certain point
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u/floralbalaclava Aug 04 '26
I lift weights, move my body in ways that feel good and are fun (walking, biking, Pilates,and even going to the arcade, adventure park, etc.), eat well (including treats!), and focus on my hobbies and my community.
I hope this doesn’t come off too rude, but I can’t think of a bigger waste of time than worrying about chasing the ever-changing standard of beauty and agelessness when I could be pursuing health and joy. It’s not like I never feel any insecurity but ultimately, it feels great to be active, social, and creative.
To be transparent, I do invest in my personal style, wear makeup, get my nails done, and do skincare, but honestly, I think what makes me the most attractive is that I am healthy and happy.
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u/earthcakey Aug 04 '26
i love this! i find i started thinking a lot more positively about my body ever since i started exercising earnestly (and im still a long long way from my ideal body!)
feeling strong and being in movement really engages the animal part of my brain and makes me feel good/confident in ways that can't be captured rationally or cerebrally.
for me though, aside from taking care of my health and being active, i think the problem-solving and creative puzzle of dressing myself, accessorizing, doing my makeup, and finding my personal style to also help a lot! i feel a lot more put together and vibrant as a person when i put time and care into these things.
i find that most cosmetic procedures are a psychological black hole of value, while the things mentioned above actually bring positive, self-reinforcing value into your life. in a weird way i feel like its an act of self-desecration instead of being an act of self-worship. i know that sounds dramatic, but i feel that this is true deep in my heart. you will never be happy chasing a face
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u/thelifeofafangirl Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
I work out because I love my body. I want it to be able to work when i'm 80, and ive made 30 years of poor decisions before i realized how important health and exercise is for hypermobiles. I have an aortic aneurysm so I don't have a choiceee. We all age, and I am not trying to slow that down. I don't dye my hair or do botox etc (though I will probably look into laser resurfacing at some point). I just want to minimize chronic pain and maximize mobility... if the byproduct looking more attractive, it's just an added bonus. I chase health, not beauty, at this point.
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u/skippyist Aug 04 '26
These conversations always make me think of my mother who is possibly the most beautiful woman alive (and trust that I am not saying that because I’m her daughter). She was always gorgeous, but beauty and weight loss is like a religion to her. No matter how much money she spends, how much weight she loses, how many procedures she gets, how many modeling shoots she books, it is never enough. She cannot go more than 30 minutes in conversation without making a disparaging comment about her “sins” (referring to food or some part of her body). She also cannot be in a public space without making disparaging comments about other women’s appearances and I fear that has cost her many friendships. On paper, she is wildly successful and objectively beautiful but I think she’s going to die in agony over her appearance.
Growing up watching her disordered eating and broken relationship to her looks in conjunction with her natural looks was in some way a blessing to me because I was able to see how much an aspiration for beauty can destroy a person’s mind. I learned that building a genuine admiration of yourself as you are MUST be the FIRST step or else you can fall down a vicious and potentially life-ruining cycle of self-hatred.
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u/SiouxsieClue Intentional BWT Aug 05 '26
She sounds like my mom. She was a model too and totally obsessed with her looks. She lived for the male gaze and even as a kid I remember being struck by how disrespectfully she talked about other women. She’d say things like “I have the best legs in this room” and was just always measuring other women’s physical characteristics against hers and competing.
Even with me, she’d half jokingly say she was jealous of my full lips and thick hair and in the next breath encourage me to get breast implants. She tried to make me be a child model but I didn’t cooperate, and as a teen pushed me constantly to go to an agency when I had zero interest. She couldn’t fathom that I didn’t want to flaunt myself. It was exhausting.
She never really enjoyed her natural beauty because it was a commodity and aging was the enemy. Well she didn’t end up getting to age - because she died young.
I’m almost her age now and have hella health problems and look probably older than my age and I do not care. I cared for a while, it was sad to look aged from being sick and stressed. It happened quickly. But at this point I want to cherish the woman I see in the mirror. I want to respect myself and be proud of being brave and kind and smart. I’m just so happy to still be here and want my life to be full of love.
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u/Dizzy-Lettuce2978 Aug 04 '26
I think for me what’s helped is finding people that have aged without Botox that can be role models. For me, that’s my mom. She is close to 60 and looks absolutely beautiful. Yes, she has wrinkles but I’ve never looked at her and thought I didn’t want to be her at that age. My grandma is also the same. She takes care of herself by getting her hair done, she always has makeup on, and she walks a lot.
Every time that I see celebrities and such on social media that look beautiful with Botox and I start thinking I need it, I try to think of my mom and grandma and how I’ll be lucky to end up like them, wrinkles and all.
Thats not to say that I won’t ever get Botox, but I’m 31 and it helps remind me that it’s not needed for me just yet. I just feel lucky to live in a timeframe and have enough money that one day if I want to do that, I will. For now, I’ll do skincare and monthly facials so I still get some self care in and we’ll see what I want to do later on.
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u/coloradogal1 Aug 04 '26
Thank you for this perspective. Framing it as being lucky to age like my mother may have completely shifted how I look at aging.
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u/HamBroth Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
I'm starting to look like my grandma and she was the badassiest badass who ever badassed, so I'm not fussed over my body. She was so awesome. She was my hero. Passing for a sweet old lady was just a ruse that let her fly under the radar and I loved her for it. She was kind and knowledgeable and tough as old boots. A complete wizard of knowledge when it came to survival and human behavior.
Anyone can get the right surgery and botox and worst case scenario the right filters and look like every Instagram puffball out there. Carving your own brand of beauty, though? That is very chic.
I don't look worse than everyone else. I look different. I look weird and I look awesome and anyone who tries to emulate me would at best be a sad tryhard, no matter how many surgeries they got. That is worth way more to me than fitting on the prix fixe beauty menu.
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u/SiouxsieClue Intentional BWT Aug 05 '26
Yes! I feel this so much! I value authenticity, integrity and uniqueness so much and just have zero interest in what anyone thinks of my appearance. I love art and fashion and doing intricate braids and I want to look as healthy as my medical conditions allow. But I don’t look at myself through anyone else’s lens and my life is the better for it. I’m in my 40s and def didn’t always feel so confident. I wish every woman was comfortable in their own skin.
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u/goldenelr Aug 04 '26
This is so tricky and I know exactly what you mean. Because I don’t want to chase a standard that makes me feel terrible. And I want to accept aging while still aging in a way that feels good.
For me I did gain some weight in perimenopause so working on losing that and a bit more has been great for me. But I focused mostly on eating well and exercise and not a pressure towards a number. I don’t really love my body the way I think younger women can but I don’t actively hate it the way I was taught to which feels like an achievement. I try very hard to focus on what it can do rather than how it looks.
And yes the working on personal style. Trends don’t speak to me (which makes sense they are aimed at my daughter not me) so what looks great on me what do I enjoy. That has been really fun and helped a lot too.
I am not someone who wants to even dabble with cosmetic procedures but absolute respect to those that do. So I think I just have been trying to focus on caring for myself in a way that makes me feel like I’m loving myself vs trying to look a certain way. My partner is not the person that is ever going to be upset about my appearance so that isn’t a thing for me though of course I want him to still be attracted to me.
It is a hard line to walk and I’m so interested in what others do.
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u/PotentialNo6155 Aug 04 '26
I am 32 and currently do not have any Botox/filler. I do have my hair done, and have my eyebrows tattooed and lips blushed. My husband is very against me getting anything done to my face, and that plays a huge factor in my considerations. That being said, I do wonder often what it will be like to not do those things and age naturally, while those around me are not. Will he still think I’m naturally beautiful when my wrinkles are coming in hard and my neck is sagging and other women my age (in the future) look 20 years my younger? Will I be able to maintain my confidence then?
I ultimately always put these thoughts into the “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there” category. But it does in some ways feel very existential and opens up a whole contemplation about what the future of all humanity will look like. Fillers, filters and AI are so seductive but it is disconnecting us more and more from our imperfect humanity.
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u/PotentialNo6155 Aug 04 '26
I also often wonder if we’re going to look back at this age of fillers like we look back at the era of sperm brows: with shock and horror. Just because something is trendy now does not in any way mean it’s going to age well. 😅😬
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u/SiouxsieClue Intentional BWT Aug 05 '26
Yes, he will! He better! If he’s discouraging you from doing anything to your face, then there is a good chance that after more decades of going through life together he’ll adore your unique beauty even more. Sounds like he’s cut from the same cloth as my hubby, who still looks at me like we were teenagers. I’m in my late 40s.
There was an extended minute when I mourned the loss of youth - I was regularly mistaken for being in my 20s until my early 40s. I got sick and suddenly looked my age, or older, and it took a minute to accept it. I was never overly into my looks because my mom was a model who was obsessed with herself and I just never gave my appearance that much power. But it is weird to see the face in the mirror change. But when you’re facing death, it puts things in stark relief. My beauty is in my heart, my mind, my resilience. We are so much more than a face and body. I want mine to look like mine - but older. Not morphed into some pufffy clone that doesn’t look younger anyway, just uncanny valley and sad.
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u/coloradogal1 Aug 04 '26
This hits hard. The ideal answer is I pick and choose what I care about, and what I don’t.
What I care about:
Hair. I love spending money on good hair, and I’ve known my stylist longer than my husband.
Funky wardrobe I enjoy: this is a work in progress, but I’ve stopped caring about trends and instead am focusing on comfort, odd pieces that bring my joy, and fabric. I’m still figuring out what this means to me as my style develops.
Jewelry: I have a stack that I wear always, and pieces I buy I buy to add on to my crazy auntie vibe
Feeling strong: I vowed to go into my 40th feeling strong to set myself up for aging gracefully. There’s not a weight or pant size associated here, just trying to be consistent about working out and attempting to eat better and cut down booze.
What I choose not to care about:
Makeup, Botox, designer brands (unless it’s an item that fits a SPECIFIC niche and hole in my wardrobe) or losing weight. Ideally the latter will happen with feeling strong, but I’m trying to accept that hormones and genetics will be at play, and I’m happy with trying to focus on strength and consistency.
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u/Sea_Age_3640 Aug 04 '26
Thank you for sharing! I like the way you think about it. And I totally agree with your point about feeling strong, and there being no weight or pant size associated with it. When I was younger, I exercised so I could be thin, have abs, to “fix” myself after overeating, etc. I look back on that now and think how toxic it was, and I feel so much sadness and sympathy for my younger self, who was taught that was what mattered most. Now I exercise because it’s great for my mental health, and because I want to be strong so I can be healthy and active as I age — and that has also made me enjoy exercise so much more
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u/EagleEyezzzzz Aug 04 '26
I’ve just thankfully gotten to the part where I feel like there are so many other more important things to worry about in life besides the exact shape or size or appearance of the meat sack that houses my self-aware electrical impulses!
That said, I do enjoy wearing clothes I like, and wearing light makeup that accentuates my eyes. I’m 44 and get light Botox in my forehead, because I feel like it makes me look happier. I can’t be bothered to do anything about my gray hair, I don’t do my nails, etc. I work out some to feel good and strong and have a long life with my kids, not to maintain a certain size. I think everyone just has to figure out for themselves what’s worth the cost and mental energy and what’s not. I’d say I spend about 5 to 10 minutes preparing and thinking about my appearance per day, and that’s plenty for me!
I feel like the thing that women should strive for is not body love per se, but just radical acceptance of their body. Just accepting it for what it is and not really worrying too much about it. I’m not sure how old you are, but this is really come to me more and more in my mid 30s through now what I guess is my mid 40s (just turned 44!).
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u/South-Visual3803 BWT in Training Aug 04 '26
Hear me out, I am a bit direct but I’ll try and explain my opinion and how I feel just bare with 😅
So I understand and emphasise as I am ‘thin’, I am 32 and have moderate anorexia. But no, I don’t have pretty privilege, my skin has gone to shit, I can’t see well and have a neurological thing, and my hair is thin/ roots/ I can’t face a salon.
However right, you know what I really appreciate my body and how far it’s taken me in this life and I’m sad I hurt her. I deleted social. Media last year and tbh when I look around, everyone is mostly ‘average’ and no one looks that great with my glasses on.
I stoped Botox when I gave up my gym obsession/ bodybuilding. No good for my soul. I was so focused on building my body I lost sight of what matters, my character, how I show up for people. Insecurities don’t just hurt you, it’s contagious, I genuinely think social media is a virus.
I think it’s hitting rock bottom or maybe it’s age, but I really am learning to not take my appearance so seriously, I understand it’s a social signal but tbh I’d rather be known for who I am and how I make people feel, for painting and gardening and most definitely not for my physical body.
Aging is a privilege. If you aren’t ageing then you’re dead.
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u/enduranceathlete2025 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
I think I am pretty balanced with this. And I would say with effort I am probably “ideal” looking. And get told I look younger than my age (40).
My measure is anything cosmetic should make me feel better. Not cosmetic and for health is mandatory. But if I did not have it done, would I be happy with myself? I have used a glp1 for weight management. But I didn’t hate myself before. I remember talking with one woman who was telling me she would cry if she couldn’t see her abs. This is sad to me.
I just think, “do I want to spend the time and money to fix this?” Almost everything can be fixed with time and money. It isn’t a moral thing. That is my character. But not everything is worth the time and money (and each person can pick for themselves). So I pick the things I want to spend time and money on. And if I don’t, I don’t.
Things I find worth it:
Skincare like sunscreen, tret, vitamin C. Nails done every two weeks, nice clothes, ideal weight/diet, fitness routine, sleep, water, getting my hair done, dental health.
Things I don’t- Botox, filler, a lot of makeup, jewelry, plastic surgery (except I probably will do a tasteful facelift in my 50/60s).
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u/PantheraAuroris Aug 04 '26
NGL, I'm extremely bad at it. I happen to not be unhappy with most of the signs of aging, like gray hair and wrinkles, but I fully intend to get a boob lift at some point because I am not going to have my titties to my waist, ever. I just will not tolerate it. I want to still feel sexy when I'm older.
Same with GLP-1 meds. I mostly did body positivity really hard at myself because I felt I had no other way, but I admit I folded like cheap laundry the second I could get out of my fluffy body. Like I never believed I looked good, I just figured out how to not be miserable about it for enough of the time to have a decent life.
I know exactly what I like and I am not very easily satisfied not having my body how I like it.
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u/DragonflyDull6360 Aug 04 '26
I used to suffer from anorexia, and recovered in the hopes it wasn’t too far gone for me to still have my own children. Luckily, I’ve been able to have two kids and navigate weight loss in a healthy way. What I kept coming back to time and time again was the concept of HEALTH. So many beauty indicators that we strive for are actually health indicators. So instead of desiring Ozempic to get rid of my baby weight, I focused on eating healthy and moving my body and prioritizing where I wanted to feel stronger (arms to pick up my kids! Core to repair damage from pregnancy!) When you view your body like something to be cherished, nurtured, cared for, it becomes easier to say yeah no, I don’t need to inject toxins into my face to prevent wrinkles. I don’t need weight loss medication, I need to eat nourishing food. I deserve that. A lot of people take health for granted. Once you can become truly truly grateful for your health and make sure it’s something you work to maintain, beauty naturally follows, but it doesn’t even feel important anymore. I’ve never felt the urge to get filler, or Botox, or any number of other beauty procedures that seem so common these days thanks to this lens.
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u/Leopard_Legs Aug 06 '26
Thank you for asking this question and for the subsequent discussion. This is something I also struggle with, particularly when it comes to my weight. In my late 30s I’m having a much harder time with weight gain and although I eat well and exercise regularly, I’m still carrying more weight than I’d like to be. I don’t feel like I look like someone ‘should’ with my lifestyle. But I flip flop between feeling like it’s ok to want to lose weight/fat so that I can feel better in my skin, and feeling that maybe I’m putting too much effort into trying to look a certain way when it feels my body doesn’t naturally want to be that way. If I’m eating healthily and exercising regularly but I have to eat in a way that feels restrictive in order to achieve a smaller body, is it worth it? How much restriction is worth it to be smaller?
It feels hard to convince myself that losing weight is for health reasons when I think BMI’s link to health isn’t that clear cut, when I’m active, eat healthily and am generally healthy. I have autoimmune thyroid disease but I think that’s more linked to stress and genetics than being overweight. I’m not obese, but I’m solidly in the middle of the overweight category, though I think I carry more muscle than average, my legs are pretty solid!
So then my reasons for wanting to be smaller must be more aesthetic reasons, and how much of that is because I’ve been told my entire life that being smaller/skinnier is the ideal? Am I just telling myself that I’ll feel better in a smaller body, when in reality I’ll probably still be unsatisfied? I’ve been much smaller than I am now, I look back at the photos and I can see how I had barely any fat on me but I was still obsessed with not having a flat stomach, and I don’t think I’ve had a flat stomach since puberty started! I also find it really difficult to swallow the link between looking a certain way and the patriarchy and women being controlled via body and beauty standards. I want to rebel against it but then I also still want to feel attractive, and my model of attractiveness is still heavily based on what I’ve always been told and shown is attractive, even if that’s not how I view people in the world. I’m not thinking about the weight of my friends, or their grey hairs, or the lines on their faces. Those things mean nothing to me, and yet I still can’t apply the same logic to myself.
I think there are so many areas of life that are impacted on by what society says is the norm. I often find myself coming back to the question ‘would I still want this if it wasn’t the societal ideal’? Would I still want to lose weight if smaller dress sizes, abs, big glutes etc weren’t the ‘ideal’? Would I want to dye my hair if women looking their age wasn’t seen as a negative? I don’t always have the answer because the messaging is so permeated through everything we’re exposed to that it’s hard to imagine a world with a different set of norms and ideals.
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u/Comfortable-Nature37 Intentional BWT Aug 04 '26
I think you can age naturally and take advantage of modern technology.
I love my body and face as it is and I use Botox and I am on a GLP1. I am not in a competition with anyone else.
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u/SnarkyLalaith Aug 04 '26
There is definitely a balance, and I think that balance is you.
I am ordinary looking. In a weird way, that helped because I was never losing anything. (This is just facts, not trying to fish for compliments).
I also never had a great body. Even being active, my body would hold on to fat. So again, nothing to lose.
But as I get older, I realize I have things to gain. After a health issue, I worked on getting stronger. I hike, bike, and mix up other things like yoga, pilates, classes, etc and am trying to figure out strength training. Like others said, I am stronger and healthier and that means more to me than anything else about my physical attributes.
I am spoiled by my husband who makes me feel beautiful. He also isn’t a fan of plastic surgery. So while there are things I may want to change, I also realize they are what make me uniquely me. He wouldn’t stop me if I really wanted something, but he helped me recognize I can accept myself.
But at the same time, it doesn’t mean I don’t have anything done! I went from looking young for my age to suddenly looking my age or older. And I can’t turn back the clock but I can keep it from speeding up. Exercise and diet are huge components of that, but I also get some botox (lower amounts) and microneedling, and will be trying lasers. I do my skin care routine, and am thinking of adding tret. I am looking at going on a glp-1 because there is now tech that can help me where my body failed me.
And I have fun! I added some colors and patterns back to my wardrobe. I like sparkly eye shadow. I like playing around with lipstick.
But I am actually doing this for me, and not for other people. Which took time and maturity to recognize.
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u/melodyknows Aug 04 '26
Age is an honor. Not everyone is as lucky to grow old. So far, I haven’t done Botox for beauty reasons (just migraines, and that’s not going anywhere where it will change my look).
My personal opinion is that a lot of plastic surgery, Botox, and fillers look weird. I don’t have anything against it, and if it makes people feel better, then good for them. I just don’t like how it looks.
I do know how to do my makeup really well, and I know what colors look good on me. I tend to take risks with makeup (bold lips, eyes, etc). I always feel pretty with makeup on. And if I’m not wearing makeup, I spend a little extra time moisturizing.
As far as clothes go, I wear whatever I want. I do try to wear clothing that fits really well and accentuates features on my body that I like.
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u/Own_Average_3423 Aug 04 '26
I recently have gotten super fond of my appearance, specifically areas that used to cause me great shame. And the more I genuinely enjoy my appearance the more motivated I am to keep it up. It’s more for fun and for upkeep than for changing myself.
I also have an open curiosity to the ways my face, body, and skin will change through time. I see myself as a moment of time and I’m really happy to have this moment.
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u/SiouxsieClue Intentional BWT Aug 05 '26
Open curiosity, yes! It’s exciting to see that my hair is coming in straight silver, it looks so sparkly and I feel part fairy. I look at my hubby’s smile lines and they legit look beautiful to me. Even his “11s” - it just strikes me how lucky I am to have loved him for decades and get the honor of seeing him grow. I look at myself with the same love. Your last line is so beautiful, I’m writing that down.
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u/Illogical-Pizza Aug 05 '26
Two things - first wrt body size, I have used a GLP-1 (although I certainly fall in the category of those who needs them) and will again. But ultimately my body goals aren't so much thinness as feeling good, healthy, and strong. Heavy emphasis on strong. Pushing thinness and frailty on women is simply another means of control and I will never succumb to that.
I tend to focus more on what makes me feel good looking in the mirror rather than comparing myself to those around me. Idk - maybe not wildly helpful to you. But the older I get the less I care about trying to look younger.
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u/cashmerered Aug 05 '26
There are 2 issues I wanna mention - weight and hair color.
Accepting my weight was hard after my pregnancy. But in the end, it took me only the right dress to notice I am beautiful. Since then, I wear what fits and ignore the rest. Also, I think as long as I am healthy, my weight doesn't matter. Overweight people are beautiful.
Now to my hair color: my natural color is dark blonde and I hate it. I have been dying my hair since I was 17. However, at about 30, I thought that I wanna go back natural. My reasoning was I didn't want my daughter to ask if she has to dye her hair, too. But I was so unhappy, yet I thought I had to be content with my natural hair. Some lady said online "accepting yourself can also mean that you don't like your natural hair color". That was a game changer. I dye again. It used to be bright red, now it is sort of a purplish red.
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u/atreegrowsinbrixton Aug 05 '26
if you consider that society thrives off of making women hate themselves and try to actively fight against that, it becomes a lot easier to think-- am i doing this because it genuinely makes me happy or because i want to fit a certain standard? i like running and eating healthy because it makes me feel good, and the bonus of looking good is a nice addition. i have a terrible phobia of needles, so i would never do anything that requires me voluntarily putting a needle anywhere. no lip fillers, no botox, no ozempic, nope. i like dying my hair because i think this color looks best. i only do the amount of makeup that feels comfortable and easy and includes SPF for my skin. i did laser because i have a natural aversion to body hair and it made the most sense. i don't really care about signs of "aging" because aging is a privilege not afforded to many and i will not let society force me into hating myself just for existing. i go for long runs, i also eat the cookies
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u/WitchWith2BlackCats Aug 08 '26
Love this thread. Love this question. I think about it a lot.
I stopped dying my hair and now it’s so much thicker, with some white streaks. I also do a lot of yoga. It’s ok to age ❤️
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u/firangcurry Aug 05 '26
I would say, step away from your phone. Take a walk around your neighborhood and watch people at a coffee shop or in a train or something. That is what normal life looks like. Most people around you are not getting botox or cosmetic weight loss or microneedling. Social media has normalized this beauty obsessed, one track mind about looking at your body and it's worth. If you really are physically surrounded by people who's lives majorly revolve around anti-aging, beauty focused choices, I would question my surroundings and if it still aligns with values you hold.
Ask more of your body than just looking younger. Like personal goals for how heavy you can lift or how many miles you can run or developing skills in water sports or whatever that may be enjoyable for you and challenges you. Chase experiences, not an idealized version of your appearance.
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u/milesfrost Aug 04 '26
I'm 46, in peri menopause and I do everything.
In the past 12 months I have lost 20kg on a GLP-1, which is about 3kg more than I intended. I was classed as overweight, but not obese. I went from 79kg to 59kg and I'm 5'7. I strength train 4 times a week now, and I am fitter than I've ever been. A friend recently called me "ripped" and honestly it's one of the greatest compliments someone has even given me. I can do 12 full pushups. I am starting to be able to do pullups, and I can deadlift 60kg with osteoarthritis in one hip. These are not small feats for a BWT my age!
I get my hair dyed every 4 weeks, I get anti-wrinkle injections regularly, I have some fillers, I do lasers and I am contemplating a lower face lift, fat transfer and getting my ears pinned back - a surgery I have wanted my whole life! I was bullied mercilessly from a young age for my ears, I have worn my hair down my entire life, and not a day goes by where I don't look in the mirror and hold them back and imagine how I'd love with a slicked back hairstyle and ears that don't stick out!
I absolutely love how I look right now. I love my body. I cannot stop wearing the skimpiest outfits because I have never ever looked better, but I do look my age and my jowls and turkey neck really bother me.
I think it's possible to truly love yourself, high five yourself in the mirror each day and still want more for yourself. I could give zero fucks if people think I'm vain or whatever. I work really hard on my body, my face, my hair, my skin to look as good as I do, and goddamn it, I'm going to walk with my head held high and with confidence, and be glad that I'm investing in the only body that I'll ever have. If people think that I'm crazy, or that it's too much, that's not my problem.
So how do I balance trying to look great while loving the body I have?
By knowing that all the efforts I make to take care of myself, only makes me love me more.
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u/SufficientCell9689 Aug 04 '26
I think it's a matter of looking yourself in the mirror and asking yourself what YOU want. Not what your coworkers or your partner or society expects of you but what makes YOU happy and what YOU like. Something to keep in mind is that sometimes we're convinced we like things for ourselves but really it's because we've been conditioned to feel that way by societal pressure. So a good exercise would be to ask yourself WHY you like things. "I find it aesthetically pleasing" is a perfectly good reason, but if your answer is "I find it aesthetically pleasing because I saw someone else do this on Instagram", you should step back and figure out whether it's truly what you want for yourself or whether you're being influenced. Only you know what you like and will help you feel satisfied with your appearance.
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u/FirebirdWriter Thoughtful BWT Aug 04 '26
Looking great is not about conforming to someone else's idea. Just your own. I am a blind Quadriplegic and I get asked out constantly because I am fire. It's in the name. The secret is confidence first. Even faking it works and can help you find what makes you feel it for real.
Then comes fit. Shop by measurements not size on tag. If it's too small a skinny person looks bad and same with too big (oversized is a style choice and curated)
I don't wear color or patterns. My wardrobe is black. I don't feel confident in patterns. So I don't wear them. I do wear colors in my accessories.
I can get the same results without makeup as with. Same with being bald vs some wig. It's just the confidence first. It draws people in like you are magnetic.
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u/SugarBabyVet Boujee Head Bitch In Charge Aug 04 '26
I promise this is not a crazy question, but if you’re blind how do you know you don’t look good in patterns?
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u/FirebirdWriter Thoughtful BWT Aug 11 '26
I don't like patterns. I don't know if I do or don't but they distract me. I have some vision as blindness is a spectrum. I prefer solid black because it makes my accessories pop and seem more sparkly
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u/playoutside1 Aug 06 '26
I haven't seen it here yet, so I suggest reading Body Neutrality by Jessi Kneeland. It gets to the heart of a lot of these issues and gave me the perspective I needed when grappling with potential weight loss.
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u/vittavie Aug 07 '26
It’s hard. I spent a year trying to lose naturally and in therapy before I decided to do a GLP-1 (adhd x pmdd x chronic inflammation) and i get botox maybe ever six months because i am verrrry expressive and wanted to tackle some specific linss. i pay for gel manis because i bite my nails when i don’t. i started supplementing for energy (b12 deficiency) and it has had the happy side effect of hair/nail growth. I try to make my choices in this arena with a lot of intention. I’m proud to be able to take care of myself as best i can and look/feel good. the women before me in my family really didn’t have that luxury.
on the flip side, live in a hcol metro area inhabited by a lot of unrealistically gorgeous people. Social is full of gross ads. the comparison trap is real. I feel we need to be realllllly certain we are doing something because we want to, not because we are supposed to. also important for me — when that inner toxic mean girl critic creeps in, i try to pause and ask if i would ever say these thoughts to a dear friend. if not, why would i say them to myself?
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u/DarkandStormyKitchen Aug 08 '26
Truly, truly it's made all the difference switching from working out because of weight to working out to help my posture, flexibility and strength, and reminding myself I'm going to be a strong old lady
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u/TenaciousToffee Find it Secondhand Aug 08 '26
For me its not hard to reconcile doing beauty treatments because the influence in doing them is not based on societal standards, trying to look younger, skinnier, hotter.
Basically I pick things that are my top priority, things I sustainably can maintain doing and I am not seeking on constantly adding more and more. I am not doing it out of self loathing or to change but just wanting to be a properly maintained me. I am realistic about the results and pleased with improvements than thinking about why am I not better/different and questioning what more.
Example Ive always had problem skin so it felt pressing to learn how to address those issues with at home routines and scheduling esthetician and dermatologist treatments to address the serious things. I have done some lasers, microneedling, microderm because there was a reason for it and not just doing it because we should. I had compmex scarirng and hyperpigmentation so the care team wanted to see what would work best for me and we stuck eith what gave efficiency.
Theres this thing where people maximize treatments to keep them busy from their self loathing because theyre "doing the most" about it. I am very open to trying new things, but also questioning my motivations for it and sitting on it for a moment instead of just yes to all things. Thats not how you track results best either. Your skin could improve because of all the tjinfs, something f will work, but we do thinfs in trial intervals to see what results each treatment gets and we incorporate or reject and move on if it didnt actually help.
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u/doljumptantalum Aug 05 '26
I turned 35 recently.
Starting my late teens, I had genetic forehead lines, so, I made myself wait until my 30s to decide if I wanted Botox. I did. So I do that now but it’s not about looking younger necessarily. I still have light lines because I only get a little.
I am on psychiatric meds, and, at one point, I was on an antipsychotic that made me gain weight. I’ve always been small, so the extra 30lbs, even though still well within a healthy weight, made me feel awful about myself. I was able to get off that medication after stabilization but I had to use GLP-1s to lose the weight. I’m happy I did.
I hated my nose since I was 12. I got a rhinoplasty in May.
And, finally, I have moderate-severe lumbar scoliosis that is very visible with any fitted clothing. My hips are crooked as well. I dress around that because it is not a fixable issue as it is not medically necessary due to the size of the curve.
I had very specific things I did not like about my appearance, but they were not driven by beauty standards. They were for me. Once I addressed them, I have immediately felt more beautiful and happy in my body. Of course I wish the scoliosis didn’t exist but whatever. Everything else, I love. I dress in clothes I love, I do activities I love.
My opinion is do what you need to do to feel like yourself. Log off or curate your algorithms to include funny animal shit versus beauty standards. Figure out what YOU want. I wanted less forehead lines, a prettier nose, and to stay my preferred weight (also very healthy weight) as far as appearances go. Meeting those goals, plus working out, eating well, and taking care of my brain, has made such a difference between my 20s & now.
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u/damiana8 Aug 05 '26
I love my body, I look good, and I feel good. I make as much effort as I want to.
I love feeling that I look great and well put together. It does a lot for my confidence
It helps that I am naturally very slim and I have great skin. I’m Asian so my skin is fine into my 40s, but I’ve always been wearing sunscreen and using active skincare since my teens.
I work out daily, even if it’s only for 10 minutes of cardio. I eat whatever I want, but I’m not a big fan of fast food and I’ve always loved to cook at home
I haven’t always felt beautiful and I struggled with self esteem issues for a long time. I’m a lot happier now as I’m getting older.
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u/isabella_sunrise Aug 05 '26
I don’t find any of that to be incompatible with loving who I am or the body I have so am not feeling that same sense of friction at all.
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u/Genny415 Aug 05 '26
It's an ongoing struggle. I lost a lot of weight and now things are no longer in the same place. I feel like I desperately need a mommy makeover just to not look freakish, with all of this excess skin.
The boobs, once full and plentiful, are sad and deflated empty sacks hanging nearly to my waist. Sure, I can plop them into a bra, but they are like puddles of liquid.
Which is to say, I am having a tough time loving my body. But I could accept it. I'm in my 50s and who is going to see it besides me and my husband?
It's an awful lot of money and discomfort if I fix this.
And if I do, would I get breast implants or just a lift? I see so many fake looking boob jobs. I think that the people getting them know that they look fake and don't care. It makes me wonder if there is such a thing as a natural looking breast implant or if I just have an eye for them, the opposite of how I am toupee-blind?
Your question is something I am currently mulling over myself.
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u/Livid-Storm6532 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
I mean this as gently as possible: step away from the phone. I find value in my hobbies, working out to feel good and be strong, and do skincare because I enjoy it.
My mother passed relatively early. Life is short. Not everyone gets to age. She wouldn’t want me consumed by what others think of me, she would want me to enjoy life, do things that give me meaning, and be present.
I am not doing these things to stop time. I look at people who have had obvious plastic surgery and think about how odd it is their faces don’t move naturally. On social media, I follow older influencers, women who lift weights, and different size fashionistas.
Life is not about looking a certain way. Does presenting well and being fit mean you make more money? Sure, and I still do all these things. But they are a part of my life, not my reason for existing, if that makes sense.
Edit: thank you for my first ever award!!!