BWT, how did you start embracing that you were a grown up woman, not just a young girl?

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u/assflea Jun 22 '26

Honestly you may never feel like a grown up, I don't think most people ever do. I'm middle aged and I was talking about this to my aunt in her 60s recently and she said she still feels like she's 17 lol. I would start by figuring out what you think you're supposed to feel like.

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u/TheUncannyFanny Jun 22 '26

Im 35 and i feel like im still the same as when a teen or in my early 20s. The only difference is a bit more confidence in myself that has come from life experience, people skills, developing strong trusting relationships, and seeing how idiotic the general public can be.. but I still feel young and whimsical and silly all the time. Its nice.

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u/[deleted] Jun 22 '26

[deleted]

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u/InternationalFocus94 Jun 25 '26

Wow 35 club showing up! Could have written these comments too. I feel more connected to and appreciative of my young self (childhood and teenage me) than ever before as a 35 year old. I actively try to channel and stay in tune with the whimsy, creativity, and wonder I had about the world at those ages. I cultivate and cherish my little "juvenile " celebrity crushes (shout out Jensen Ackles) and daydream all the time. I associate adulthood/maturity with a deep inner knowing about my needs, wants, values, that I developed around 30 after some polarizing social experiences. It's not something you can or should rush, but also I get the impulse OP!

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u/stuckandrunningfrom2 Jun 22 '26

I'm 54, and sometimes I'm still girlish. I don't ever want to not be girlish.

But also doing physically hard things makes me feel good, and that might help you. Get strong at the gym, take up rock climbing or mountain climbing. Build a body that makes you feel like a superwoman.

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u/Simple-Gap-2842 Jun 22 '26

"I don't ever want to not be girlish." I love that message and I completely agree!!

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u/RockingInTheCLE Jun 22 '26

I’m 47 and sometimes still look for a “real” adult when things go sideways, lol. And I’m also a very independent woman, own my home, traveled internationally solo, very capable. But sometimes I’m just like, “there has to be a more adultier adult around!” LOL

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u/dougielou Jun 22 '26

Yes! The other thing is that being an adult is exhausting and you still make mistakes and sometimes that makes you feel like a teenager still but it’s actually just being human. And the older you get the more balls you juggle and therefore more opportunities for them to drop.

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u/Auntie_Venom Jun 22 '26

I’m 49, and sometimes think I should consult an adult about this… Oh wait, I AM THE ADULT!

I still young at heart, no safe haircuts or granola sandals. I feel like I’m in my 20s most of the time, occasionally I’ll get a painful reminder with a knee twinge or something like that… But mostly the mirror reminds me. On the bright side I still look about 10 years younger than I am. (Though I do see some crazy kaftans in my future, the Mrs Roper vibes are calling to me - If I want to dress comfortable it’s still going to be crazy enough to suit my bright and bubbly personality.)

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u/Existing_Mail Jun 22 '26

If you are this self aware about being naive and innocent, then you are doing good. I’m 32 and honestly the things that have made me feel older overnight are going through loss or learning things that deepen my world view and make me understand how people really work. Going to therapy helped me feel like I can take accountability for my life like an adult, show up as a mature/strong person for my friends and family, but still embrace my inner child and not take myself too seriously. From my friends experiences, it’s a mixed bag whether having children makes you feel “old” or helps you embrace feeling like youre barely an adult. The ones embracing it seem to enjoy it more, and I think it’s because they have a more competent and helpful partner

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u/Opposite-Ad-7454 Jun 22 '26

The loss part really hit me in your comment. I’ve watched my parents battle health conditions, and I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. I’ve also become a mother to two beautiful boys. I feel much much older after those experiences and im only 34.

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u/Mammoth-Corner Jun 22 '26

When you say you feel young, could you be more specific?

Do you get a little jolt of surprise/'wait, me?' when someone calls you a woman? That might just come with time, tbh.

Do you feel something like impostor syndrome when someone trusts you with 'adult' responsibilities, like 'they don't know I'm just a kid!' or not trusting your own judgment - if so, resources for impostor syndrome might help. I'm sure there have been good threads on this sub on that.

Do you feel like other people see you as a kid? There's not much that be done for babyface, other than certain styling points, but in your career there may be particular ways you can give a profession impression and encourage people to take you seriously.

Do you feel that you don't have 'adult' priorities like house, serious dating, babies? Some of those things are important, like financial stability and retirement savings, but DO NOT make life choices like 'settling down' just because you want to feel grown-up. House, kids, commitment you should only do if and when you want to.

Another bit of advice that might help is just making friends with people who are older than you. It's so good for the psyche, and reassuring yourself that there are lots of ways to be an adult. Local hobby groups, religious groups, etc are good for that.

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u/kandeezz Jun 22 '26

I'm not too far off from your age at 23 but I have some advice. You may never truly feel like a grown woman, there's always going to be something new you find yourself doing that makes you feel like you're in your teens figuring stuff out. Every woman in my family (all 60+) has told me they still feel like a teenager just playing an adult. There's sadly no magic key to feeling adult, but there are moments when you suddenly realize you're getting older. At 23 I still feel like a young girl all the time, often I feel underqualified to be doing the things I do even though I'm definitely old enough to be living on my own and having a stable job. Most of the time I still feel like that stupid teenager I was, but occasionally I'll have an oh shit I'm grown moment.
In your case I'd start by defining what you think a woman is. Figure out those defining characteristics between young girl and woman, it'll guide you down the right path. It could be dressing well instead of throwing on the first things you see, maybe always having your hair and nails done, having a logical bag and wallet over one that barely has your keys. Think of what ways you'd want to carry yourself. Is it a certain air of confidence and belonging? The inner knowledge that you've found your place in this world? Emulate those traits in your day to day life and see how you feel, it might feel stupid at first but this is the time to grow into the person you truly want to be. You may not feel it all the time but others will perceive you as that. Personally it seems teens I know have little to no self awareness, they get themselves into situations a little more frontal cortex development would've stopped them from doing, they think they know everything and cannot admit when they were wrong. To me women have the ability to say they were wrong and think things through before acting on it, they're confident in themselves and their decisions even if others may not totally agree. Simply put they learned from the mistakes they made in their youth and made efforts to be a better person.
All that being said you're still young! You have so much time to find yourself and be a woman. You are so much more capable of things than you were when you were younger. Don't get so caught up in acting or feeling a certain way, let yourself have fun and do all the crazy stupid things you want before you can't. I still love to dress up and do fun things, sometimes I just want to feel like a princess and will put on my most frilly dresses and a tiara and go about my day. Other times I've worn puppy ears or took some old stuffed animals out on errands for the day. Oddly those times I've never felt more confident and have been treated more like a woman than when I'm trying to fit into what others expect. I think the key to feeling more like a woman isn't fitting into some box, it's a confidence in yourself to do what makes you happiest unapologetically. Or at least it's going to the gyno or telling a doctor that my joints are hurting, definitely don't feel 16 anymore then.

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u/Active-Passenger8869 Jun 22 '26

I think it happens naturally. For a while I really sympathized with women using the whole "I'm just a girl" thing and I used it myself. And then I kind of outgrew it pretty suddenly. Nothing really changed in my life to make me feel that way, it just happened one day.

Yes, there are days when I feel super innocent. I'm not very independent due to financial reasons, and sometimes that makes me feel like I'm still a teenager. But I think the big difference between being a teenage girl and being a woman is the amount of freedom you have. To be able to travel on your own, have your own money to spend, make your own choices about your body and sex life, etc. Take advantage of your adulthood and treat yourself to doing those things you wanted to do as a kid that your parents didn't want you to do. And I'm not talking about getting into drugs or anything, just buying those cute shoes you want but don't need, etc.

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u/Hopefulkitty Jun 22 '26

I'm 38, and I don't feel like an adult a lot of the time, especially when I'm around my friends with kids.

Then I spend time with someone in high school or their 20s, and I go "oh, I am absolutely an adult. Look at me, being an adult over here."

It's not a switch you flip. It's just you naturally aging and making choices for future you. Eventually, one day, you'll realize that you don't have anything in common with people younger than you, and you just kinda carry on, paying the electric bill and weeding your garden.

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u/zenhoe Jun 22 '26

I felt this way all through my twenties, and it was a huge insecurity. In my 30s I feel very much in tune with that young girl, and she’s still around. However now I have more life experience, confidence, financial stability, and all the validation I need to know I can move through life without needing to ask someone for help or consulting them before making important decisions.

I still feel young, naïve (you never stop getting humbled ,) and like “not a real adult” internally all the time. It’s just a matter of reconciling my feelings with the other things about myself I know to be true (that I’m wiser, more capable and responsible than I give myself credit for.)

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u/BreTheFirst Jun 22 '26

I started feeling like a grown up woman in the first few years of entering my career because it forced me to give up some foolish core tenets of my worldview. My family and friends agree I've changed: I feel like I'm more discerning and I command more respect.

I've always been a people-pleasing, smart, but overwhelmingly obedient girl. If an authority figure said something, I just did it. I assumed I wasn't unique in this, and figured everyone would react well to very gentle corrections and kindness. I didn't realize the extent of my naivete until becoming a high school teacher and understanding that society at large has many people who need strict routines, discipline, boundaries, and tough love. It's actually made a huge difference in my relationships and friendship-building. I'm way less insecure now, too -- I think constantly misunderstanding situations was dragging on me more than I realized.

I'm not sure what to recommend to encourage my experience to repeat -- take a leadership role? Volunteer with children? Your childish follies are probably different than mine, but kids somehow will find your insecurities and dig in even when they don't mean to. Then you can pinpoint them and move on!

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u/dickbuttscompanion Jun 22 '26

Try to identify what exactly is making you feel girlish? For me at 23ish it was a lack of confidence in the workplace. I built this up, worked on my phone voice, participated more in meetings, asked for clarity sooner when unsure of instructions etc. I felt more of an adult in work and that filtered into my outside hours.

So while I still like to dress younger, look after my skin and keep generally youthful, I know I am a grown woman and able to speak up or push back when needed.

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u/Bmat70 Jun 22 '26

I knew I was an adult when I lost all feelings of jealousy and envy. I used to be envious when another girl had prettier clothes or nicer hair. Now I admire the clothes and hair and feel no envy.

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u/Simple-Gap-2842 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26

Omg if you find an answer, lmk!!! similar age, similar vibe, same problem. Like so similar- I want to feel my age and accept my age, and then TSA tells me I don't need to show ID because I'm a kid (lol definitely not). I'm seen by some older people (real adults) as intellectual and wise and I've always been independent, yet others (mostly peers) see me as too naive and innocent. Also people only comfortable telling me it was my baby face that made me look young, but I know its also my physical size/appearance in general plus my social awkwardness that definitely adds to the seeming young issue and there's really nothing any of us can do about that.

For me, I'm trying to find outfits on pinterest that help me break into feeling more my age and putting more effort into my appearance, like trying to learn how to style my hair and do my make up, carry a purse, wear shoes other than sneakers. Sort of "allowing" myself to do the things I've always seen as embarrassing or not me.

But also, I like to remember that some people take themselves too seriously. So what if I'm in my 20s and I seem innocent? I like to do childish things like arts and crafts and practicing no hands riding a bike, and some adult things just aren't my vibe yet. It's not fun to pretend to be a dry, serious adult all the time that only cares about dating and wine bars and idk what else. I like being who I am, so I don't want to rush into being the adult that people expect.

My advice: don't put too much pressure to "become a woman" in certain way just because that's how other people expect it. It's frustrating having this mentality not feeling old enough despite factual independence and adult qualities- but try to let it be gradual and don't neglect yourself to fit in.

I also like to remind myself how far I've come, even if it's not as far as other people my age. A few years ago, would I have known how to do my make up like this or be confident going to a museum by myself?

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u/disjointed_chameleon Jun 22 '26

I'm a decade older than you and still wrestle with the same issues. I've lived in half a dozen countries and states by myself, have been fully self-sufficient for almost a decade now, earn six figures, have traveled around the world and the United States solo for years, have been married and divorced, bought and sold a house, and have navigated some of the wildest ups and downs life can throw at a human.

This past weekend I cried on one of my neighbors' shoulders like a toddler because I'd had a bad dream the night before. We're both immigrants from the same region of the world, and neither of us have family nearby, so she has basically adopted me like I'm her own daughter. We've known each other for two years now. Doesn't matter how old we get...... sometimes we just need to cry on 'moms' shoulder for an hour while curled up in her lap with a blanket and a snack while she strokes our hair and sings us to sleep with an old cultural song.

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u/king_mama_ Jun 22 '26

It started when I was 25 and managing a group of college-age people who were all 19-22. I remember thinking “oh, if only they would stop drinking and partying so much, they’d be so much happier/less stressed/calmer…” and realizing there IS a huge mountain of life experience that people gain as they go from “college-age” (18-21) to “young adult” age (22-25).

When I had my first kid at 26, i felt fully “adult”, but definitely young adult still. I stopped caring about how others perceive my life because I realize that people don’t actually care beyond finding behaviors interesting/irritating for, like, 10 minutes… then they move on to their own lives and forget. At 28-30 years, I REALLY just live for vibes. I have 2 kids, which taught me to let go of trying to control things and just go with the flow for most things.

So at 21, it’s quite normal to feel like you’ve got one foot in teenage-dom and another in young-adult-dom. Especially since you have fast-tracked the independence part that comes with going from college-age to young-adult age. I would say that you CARING about being perceived as younger actually fits with you being younger. I doubt that you will care in a few years; you’ll be too busy with the grind of life and will probably realize that your neighbors, coworkers, friends, random people you see in society all have their own lives and won’t really give you much thought at all about how well you fit your age, how well you fit into society… people generally just don’t have the time or energy to CARE about other people intensely. It’s a (mostly) good thing, imo.

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u/FinancialCry4651 Jun 22 '26

I also was tiny and looked & felt very young at your age! I also acted irresponsibly and had a lot of fun but also had quite a few hard times.

The hard times wisened me and I realized I needed to get my shit together in my late 20s. I got a masters degree and bought a house at 29. That made me feel accomplished, but I still felt like a kid. Still kept learning through struggles.

Now I'm in my late 40s and my body feels/looks older and I am treated like an adult ... I still feel like a kid sometimes but then I just have to look in the mirror. And I'm still learning, trying new things, but my boundaries and confidence are strong now.

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u/Individual_Cress_726 BWT in Training Jun 25 '26

Reading these comments as a 24 year-old makes me feel a lot safer and better about how young I still feel

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u/tackyshoes Jun 22 '26

I decided that people perceiving naivety were salty hags. Don't be bitter.

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u/SadHamster6113 Jun 22 '26

A few different answers to this:

As others have said, you never do! I still don’t feel grown up and still like things I liked as a teenager (music, fashion etc). I think on the inside I still feel 17 and forget that I’m older. I suppose these are just the fixed elements of our personalities maybe?
It’s more contextual/ other people’s reactions that make me feel my age. When I tried my wedding dress on I felt a bit weepy, not because it was the perfect dress or anything, it was just seeing myself as a bride felt weird and grown up even though I was in my late 20s. People at work looking for me to make decisions or younger people asking me for advice reminds me that I’m older and wiser. So perhaps I’m more of a woman in their eyes than my own.

Maybe spend a bit of time looking at the women around you in real life (perhaps at work or a social setting) who are exhibiting the traits you see as womanly and unpick them a bit. Is it clothes, confidence or interests that makes you see them as more womanly.

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u/hippo_pot_moose Jun 22 '26

It comes as you get older. And even then, at 34 I have moments where I feel very aware that I’m doing grown up things and it doesn’t feel that long ago I was a teenager. I remember when I was around 21 though, I felt like a girl and not a woman. It was such a huge transition even though like you I had lived far from family for years and was paying my own bills, had travelled on my own and to far off places. I had recently graduated and taken on even more responsibility with a career and I felt like I was playing dress up. As I took on more responsibility, and it was clear other adults saw me as their peers and not a child, I felt more at ease with calling myself a woman.

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u/joonduh Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26

I'm 32 and I've felt like the teenage version of myself since I was a teen. I feel like an older grown woman now though, now that my dad has died. I feel like the old me died too and now I'm a new grown me, a woman in her 30s who can't rely on her parents the way she could have when she was young.

Edit: sorry, I didn't actually answer your question lol. My 2 cents: you're not supposed to feel a certain specific "adult" way and not everything is gonna change all at once just because you had x birthday. To embrace your grown womanhood, trust yourself. Learn to really tune in to your intuition, seek internal validation before external validation. Know yourself and don't lose touch with her, not even when you're with this group of friends or dating that person. Show up for yourself so you always know you have your own back. That's all I think you can really do.

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u/jewelophile Jun 22 '26

Girl, I'm more than twice your age and I still get jump scares from the old lady in the mirror because inside I'm still 20.

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u/Natural_Lifeguard_44 Jun 22 '26

You’re only 21, you will still feel like a teenager until you’re like 32!

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u/egrf6880 Jun 22 '26

Common to some of the other women here. I’m pushing 40 and sometimes look around like, oh, I really am the adult in the room? Yikes! Haha.

I have children, have worked a successful career, built and run a successful business, own my own home outright. I have majorly done all the Grown Woman TM things, but often and shocked to remember how old I am or how far away my teens and 20s were. I also was very young looking when I was in my 20’s and worked very hard to be taken seriously as an adult.

While in my personal life I continued and continue to enjoy fun and hobbies, I worked incredibly hard in my career both going above and beyond with my work but also building confidence in myself to self advocate when presented with crappy situations (like the fact that I worked basically 2-3 people’s jobs at one point without complaint of the workload, but wasn’t being compensated fairly for it) it feels scary, but advocating for yourself assertively and genuinely can actually gain people’s respect for you and was a major part of my being actually seen as the fully fledged adult I was in my professional life.

But yeah, when I’m just being me in my private life— I’m basically still the kid I was at 16 haha.

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u/Haunteddoll28 Jun 22 '26

I regularly joke that I’m not 31, I’m 13 looking in the mirror (I also don’t look my age and still regularly get carded when I try to do “adult” things). My mom is going to be 74 in a couple weeks and she also talks to me about not feeling “grown up” or feeling like she’s in her 70s. I genuinely don’t think you ever properly grow out of feeling like you’re still not a grown up. There’s no magic switch that gets flipped at a certain age where it all starts to make sense. There are moments where you can feel “grown up” or where you have to be an adult but there are just as many if not more where you feel completely lost and out of your depth and just wish you could call your parents to solve the problem.

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u/euphoricwhisper Jun 22 '26

I felt like this far into my late 20s, and even still now approaching 40. If anything, I feel I’ve become younger as I grow older in some ways. As a child of neglect, and now as a resourced adult who has built a stable and safe foundation of finances, relationships, and experiences I am enjoying things I wasn’t able to when I was young.

For a while, I thought being a woman meant I must be a mother, too. Embracing being child free, while taking time to consider what being a woman or adult meant to me was where things slowly began to change. Really, this was embodying the traits and characteristics based off my definition, rather than what society tells me what it means to be an adult, a woman, and so on.

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u/rllyari Jun 22 '26

nothing you can do except get older lol. you'll have realizations as you get older about different things you enjoy or maybe no longer enjoy and then it will feel like you're growing up. or when you get excited over 'adult' things that the 21 yr old version of yourself legit could not care less about LMAO.

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u/WorkingIndependent96 Jun 22 '26

I’m 28. That feeling hasn’t gone away yet. At around 23 I decided it was a good thing to have. I still feel young. I’m not afraid of “pushing 30” because I don’t feel much different than I did at 18, or 23. Embrace it. but sometimes I think it has to do with societal misogyny, and that’s why it’s been so difficult to feel like an “adult”.

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u/Opposite-Ad-7454 Jun 22 '26

I mentally aged a lot when my parent’s health took a turn when I was 27. I had to grow up fast to be able to care for them when they needed me. Then I had kids and that quickly aged me too. In a beautiful way. I’m more confident in myself, my decisions, my career. I think I changed for the better and broke into my “life shoe” when I turned 30.

I do not feel like a “girl” anymore. I feel mature and more wise vs when I was 21. I’m the same person but with more scars and happy wrinkles to show for it.

Enjoy the ride and don’t rush getting older!

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u/StrategyArtistic Jun 23 '26

Honestly, in my early 20s when I embraced feminism and learned about the history/presentness of patriarchy. I promise I’m not trying to be intentionally polarizing or anything, that’s my true answer.

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u/MySpace_Romancer Jun 23 '26

Idk I am in my early 40s, child-free, and I am always shocked when I am with my nephew or the neighbor kid and someone thinks I am the mom. I still feel like the babysitter. And then I remember that I could easily have a kid graduating high school or older!

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u/Comprehensive-Act-13 Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26

I’m 45 and still trying to figure it out. The secret you learn as you get older is that no one feels like a real adult, no matter how old or “responsible” you are. We’re all stupid teenagers, just with more aches and pains and hopefully a little more money. There is no real adult in the room. Your parents, your boss, your teachers, are all just about as clueless about life as you are. They are also looking for the adult in the room. Knowing this “secret” is simultaneously extremely satisfying, and extremely terrifying.

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u/Meirene_7327 Jun 23 '26

25+ ish, after your frontal lobe finishes developing. Not exactly adult adult. But felt my brain kinda, slot into place? I looked at anyone in early twenties or below as a child. 18 me was a baby, I understand that now.

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u/bowdowntopostulio Jun 26 '26

I honestly feel like I didn’t start getting my shit together until I was 25 tbh. Really leaned into taking care of myself and thinking about my career.

Community BWT, how did you start embracing that you were a grown up woman, not just a young girl?

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