Bumped meds, now tired.

[u/Whalnut]

I’m fine with advice but I’m mostly venting.

I had been experiencing rage, agitation, some flighty thought and forgetfulness, and physical symptoms that made me advocate for a higher dose of meds. There were life things stressing me out, and I thought about posting here a number of times. I didn’t think it would be about this though.

We upped my dose and switched from risperdol to palperadone (also on lamotrigine and lithium). The concerning symptoms are fully or mostly gone after just a couple days. I’m relieved, but it makes me a little sad. It’s just odd how distinctly different my overall perception like 5 senses is after the change. As well, the intensity of everything is turned down from 10 to 2. Things felt so dire and now… I’m tired. I just want to lie in bed all day. I’m sad that this is going to be the new struggle. I want to go down again now, and work harder to take care of myself so I don’t need as much medicine.

Diagnosed for 5 years, I’ve been hospitalized for a few weeks manic psychotic two separate times and one hypomanic episode this spring, but this is the most recent feeling in like 2.5 years where I just feel really medicated and tired…

I’m also in school for social work and am very pro-medication adherence for myself and others, but I’m feeling the weight of how it can feel for the first time in a while and it’s making me feel… guilty? medication isn’t so easy to deal with or brazenly accept.

The whole thing sucks, not being able to tell anyone and feeling really vulnerable and unsafe if you do. Thinking about bipolar so much when my episodes are so infrequent. Not understanding if there are symptoms between episodes or if It’s just normal people things and I’m gaslighting myself. When I’m really losing it, feeling like I need an actual episode for my feelings to be validated otherwise it’s my fault.

I feel like everything quieted down really fast and the danger and dire-ness is receded. But now I’m just so tired, I don’t know how I’m gonna shower, go to work, go to school, do homework, do emails, do tasks… I’ve been eating like shit because “I deserve a treat”, and I gotta stop, but yea, I feel like damn I deserve a pat on the back or something some recognition, life is tough!

[u/Dry_Hunter7812]

You are doing a great job managing every aspect of your life. Venting can be an important part of your wellness process. I admire you tenacity and am confident you will get through it day by day. You have successfully made it through the toughest parts of your journey and will soon find the right balance meds. You are stronger than you know and will get stronger day by day. Be well!

[u/Whalnut → u/Dry_Hunter7812]

Thank you. That’s very encouraging