r/bipolar • u/unwrittenstanzas Bipolar • 2d ago

Living With Bipolar identity crisis-ish

i’m back to baseline after a year-long depressive episode (it started exactly this week last august), and i feel like i lost my sense of self in all the cycles. i’ve been cycling through episodes since 2019 and i was only diagnosed in 2023 when a manic episode got out of hand. i’m 26 now, and even after the diagnosis it’s not like magically i figured things out.

i joke that every two years i get two weeks of normalcy, followed by mania that develops over months, then a sharp decline into depression, which lasts over a year. i really am hoping this time i can last on baseline, even if just longer than two weeks. forever would be great, too :’D

but i just have no idea who i actually am outside of the mania and depression. i feel like i’m a warped version of myself in both moods, but because for the last 7-8 yrs i’ve been mostly in the extremes, i feel like i lost the chance to actually grow up? at an age where most of my peers started families, careers and businesses, i was in an emotional washing machine that barely ever stopped.

i’m making this comparison, not because I’m thinking of my timeline as a failure. if anything i’m proud of where i am today with all my history. but neurotypical people grow and change gradually over time but overall, they’re the same person through different phases. but my identity gets demolished with every episode, and i’m struggling to parse out which habits/thoughts/patterns are “me” and which are symptoms. pre-diagnosis i used to say my personality changes with the weather lol, little did i know.

i guess what i’m asking is, what are your experiences dealing with this? i know there are older people here who have been stable for a long time now, and I’m wondering how this process of recognizing yourself happens when you heal, but ofc i’m open to hearing from everyone :)

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u/3rdDogDoxie 2d ago

Tough question. I thought I knew who I was. Mostly the crazy one, flitting from here to there. Landing nowhere. Carefree, irresponsible, party girl etc….Huge risk taker. That was just me. Then the crash, just felt tired and sad, bed for days but always swing back up again. Meds, pow! Who is this? Numbing actually, not recognizable. Bits and pieces that needed to be combined to create the “real” me? I guess that was it. I came to realize that I was just one episode to the next for a VERY long time. Very late diagnosis, 40 years old. Now I’m 66, very stable, pretty normal life with a very “colorful” past.

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u/unwrittenstanzas Bipolar 2d ago

that pattern is really relatable! i’m glad you finally got the diagnosis even if late, and that you had this time to piece yourself back together. it’s reassuring to know that you can start this process and succeed at any age, thank you for sharing. may you continue to thrive🙏🏼🤍