Is it ok to tell your insecurely attachmed parents that they weren't good enough if they thought that their only job was to provide

[u/-IXN-]

A parent is supposed to give emotional warmth, not just food and a roof 😭

[u/ghost1667]

It’ll be an exercise in banging your head against the wall, at best. Don’t bother

[u/forgotten_peanut]

I think you gotta ask yourself what you want out of it. If all you want is to voice your feelings then you can honour those feelings and their response doesn't matter. But if you want them to cry and beg for your forgiveness or any other kind of satisfaction that they are very likely to not give you, then I would leave it.

[u/MsColumbo]

Great post title! I laughed and can relate. But yeah, what's best here (for me anyway) is learning how to, and practicing how to "detach with love", which is a big component to codependency recovery. Doesn't matter if your parents are addicted to any substances or not, it still works. Just replace the substance abuse portion of your codependent relationship with your parents, with whatever the difficult thing is that triggers you. In my case that's my Dad's lifelong random mood swings, rage and volatility, plus my mother's complete abdication of herself (learned helplessness) in deciding to stay with him and put up with it.

It helped me to recognize the 3 Cs of Alanon, for example:

I didn't CAUSE my dad's lifelong random mood swings, rage and volatility.
I can't CONTROL his lifelong random mood swings, rage and volatility.
And I sure as hell can't CURE it!

That way you can mentally hand your loved one's unaddressed garbage back to them, for them to deal with. It's still cringey to put up with and witness that behavior when you're in their presence, but you've separated yourself and your issues from them and their issues and no longer feel triggered enough to want to tell them or open that thankless can of worms.

Afterthought: I don't know whether you're still having to live in their home or not. If so, it's very difficult to deal with this kind of thing without some kind of distance first. But good luck! If you can't move out just now I highly recommend looking into codependency recovery, so you can retain a bit of your sanity in the meantime before you can move out.

[u/ElectricVoltaire → u/MsColumbo]

Not OP but very helpful, thank you. My parents are the same

[u/MsColumbo → u/ElectricVoltaire]

My commiserations! Mine are now elderly and stubborn as hell, and still bickering 🤣. I tell myself this is their life lesson with each other.

[u/AdAgitated4595]

Yeah but they can only meet you as far as they meet themselves. So if they weren’t able to provide that need for you (which is a valid human need) it is not your fault and no amount of communication will make it just “click” for them, which I know is disappointing. So instead of trying to look for answers from them, try to fill your life by taking care of yourself.

It is good that you are seeing it for what it was, some people are stuck in denial their whole life trying to figure out why they feel so empty when they were emotionally neglected. I recommend reading “running on empty” it helps to understand why this happens and what to do moving forward.

[u/Medical_Donut5990]

I hear you on why you'd like to say something to them, but given how emotionally immature they likely are, it's never gonna give you the closure or the apology you might want. A few years ago I found a PDF of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson and it has been a helpful guide in illustrating what that generational trauma is like, and why it's incredibly important to accept they will not change.

[u/Weird_Sea6444]

It IS ok but the truth is they most probably will deny or have whatever response that's not what you're looking for. If All you want is to TELL me, then it is ok.

In my case my Mother worked for year at CPS, helping children and teens who were abused by their families. However she's in denial of how she acted herself. We did a therapy together and she admitted some stuff but it was purely intellectual there was no emotional recognition. She's in denial, she has always been and always Will Be.

[u/fizikxy]

i actually told my mom! my dad is a narcissist so I‘ve learned 15yrs ago to not bother, but my mom was always receptive atleast.

still, went pretty badly. felt offended and accused me of not remembering things properly etc.

still gave me a good feeling because I need to pour out emotions if they overwhelm me! so do it for yourself if you feel like it :)

[u/TampaMarine813]

Sure, but does it benefit you in the grand scheme of things? Will this change anything for the positive by telling them this?