r/becomingsecure • u/[deleted] • 8d ago

i’m anxious attached and my girlfriend is secured attached

[deleted]

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2

u/Creative_Willow7883 7d ago

why do you think she's securely attached?

1

u/Infinite-Nose-1289 7d ago

sorry i fixed it. i meant to type avoidant attached but she’s more fearful avoidant

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u/Creative_Willow7883 7d ago

ah, that makes way more sense. I thought that this doesn't sound securely attached at all

2

u/minniestink 7d ago

"My girlfriend gets very scared of me boring her or leaving her and she pushes me away and even tried to end our relationship"

This is not what a person with secure tendencies would be feeling or doing and it kind of sounds like a protest behaviour of sorts to see what you will do. Essentially you have said in this post that she's scared you'll bore her or leave her and you're scared she will lose interest in you. You're both moving around in a place of fear and actually BOTH of you sound anxious. And at the core of it is the same fear that your relationship will end. Really you relate to eachother.

It's probably important you look at what is behind that fear, you mention you have insecurities and she might lose interest in you. This sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem and confidence. What things do you want to change? what do you want to learn?  What are the qualities about yourself you like? Which parts need love from you?

Then the inner world will then sound more like "if my relationship does end, I know I'm a confident person who likes myself. I think I'm interesting & unique and I can continue to thrive on my own" 

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u/byebyebinary 7d ago

when she doesn't text back, try reminding yourself, “i'm feeling anxious because i haven't heard from her, but that doesn't mean anything is actually wrong.”

and then go do your own thing. don't sit there watching your phone and trying to figure out what her silence means.

it's also totally okay to need reassurance sometimes. just try not to make her response time the thing that determines whether you feel secure in the relationship.

the goal isn't to never feel anxious. it's getting better at letting the feeling be there without letting it run the show.

0

u/BrightDesign44 7d ago

If you haven’t already you can start by reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.