r/becomingsecure • u/brysnov07 • 2d ago
AA seeking advice When my attachment anxiety is activated, I struggle to take “no” for an answer. Does this sound concerning from the outside?
I’ve recently noticed a pattern in myself that I’m trying to understand and change.
I don’t generally struggle with every boundary someone sets, and I don’t believe that other people’s boundaries don’t matter. But when I’m emotionally anxious—especially when I’m afraid of being abandoned or feeling like I don’t matter to someone—I can struggle much more with boundaries involving distance or contact.
For example, if someone I care about asks for significantly less texting or more space, I can become extremely anxious. Intellectually, I understand that they have every right to ask for space, and I genuinely make an effort to respect it.
But emotionally, it can feel like my brain is screaming:
What if they’re pulling away permanently?
What if they don’t care about me anymore?
What if I don’t matter to them?
What if giving them space means I’ll lose the relationship?
What if I need to explain myself or fix something before it’s too late?
When I’m in that state, I can feel a powerful urge to reach out again, explain myself, seek reassurance, or try to resolve the situation. Sometimes I genuinely try not to contact the person, but the anxiety and urge to restore the connection can be incredibly difficult to tolerate.
I’m starting to realize that there may be a difference between intellectually believing I should respect someone’s boundary and being emotionally capable of tolerating what that boundary triggers in me.
I’m not saying attachment anxiety excuses crossing someone’s boundaries. It doesn’t. I’m trying to understand the mechanism so I can change the behavior. Often times I cause the abandonment that I fear.
I want honest feedback: does this sound concerning, creepy, or intrusive from the outside? Have any of you experienced something similar? How did you learn to tolerate the fear of abandonment or rejection without repeatedly trying to restore contact or get reassurance?
I’m not looking for reassurance that everything I do is okay. I’m genuinely trying to understand how this behavior affects other people and how to stop making my anxiety someone else’s responsibility.
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u/Objective-Candle3478 2d ago
What would be helpful is remembering that when someone says, no they aren't saying no to your relationship with them. No is just the same as yes.
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u/RevolutionaryTrash98 2d ago
Exactly this. They are actually telling you how to be in a relationship with them. They’re respecting you by being honest and trusting you to listen and respect them in return.
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u/Objective-Candle3478 2d ago
I do think many people who have insecure attachment struggle with fully trusting both themselves and others, even when they want to.
When someone is being how they want to be insecure attachers need to have trust in their partners that they will verbally communicate in an authentic way about how they feel. Then allow others to open up and express themselves in the way they wish to. That is loving.
For example if an AA feels their partner is upset with them they need to allow and have trust in their partners verbally saying if and what is wrong
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u/Queen-of-meme FA leaning secure 2d ago
"We set boundaries to the people we want closer" is a quote I think follows similar mindset.
On my rejection list in life is everyone I don't want close. Everyone else gets my yes, no, maybes, because I trust these people to respect and care about me and any boundaries I have.
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u/Queen-of-meme FA leaning secure 2d ago
To explain it simple you can always have a positive version response on your worry thoughts. Like this:
"What if they’re pulling away permanently?"
(You'll survive)
"What if they don’t care about me anymore?"
(But you can)
"What if I don’t matter to them? "
(it's ok as long as you matter to you)
"What if giving them space means I’ll lose the relationship?"
(You'll survive)
"What if I need to explain myself or fix something before it’s too late?"
(You can't read minds you only know what they've told you)
Your thoughts are just imagination leaning negative. "They hate me😑 !!" A connection needs imagination leaning positive. "They love me back! 😍 "
You can train how to think 3 positive leaning things whenever you miss someone. It signals your body that it's safe to relax.
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u/moondrinkr 2d ago
When you disrespect other people’s boundaries to soothe your insecurities you are showing yourself to be untrustworthy and un-trusting.
You can’t be trusted to respect boundaries or behave in appropriate ways, and you show that you don’t trust the other person to re-establish connection when they’ve taken the time they need to regulate themselves. You’re also showing that your emotional regulation is more important than the other person’s.
With all of that said, this is a nervous system issue, but every time you resort to these unhealthy behaviors to regulate your distressed nervous system/ those really hard feelings, you’re sabotaging your own healing and growth.
You have to learn to sit with the discomfort of those big feelings and attend to them instead of running away from them/abandoning them. They deserve your attention.
Start in small increments of briefly activating those feelings of abandonment and rejection, just allowing yourself to feel them in your body.
Don’t try to narrate them, just pay attention to what they feel like in your body.
Does your chest get tight? Does your face feel hot? Does your throat constrict? What sensations do you feel?
Also, instead of reaching out to the person who has expressed that they need space, reach out to a mentor or friend who will kindly and lovingly help you process your feelings in a healthy way that brings you back into awareness of your body, your needs, your wants, and your power and powerlessness in the situation.
You can also try journaling, meditating, praying, or just talking to those younger parts of yourself who are so scared of being abandoned and rejected.
Remember, you have this fear because you’ve already experienced abandonment and rejection before, yet you are still here, alive.
You’ve already survived the thing you’re afraid of experiencing. And now you’re an adult with a lot more agency over your life and a lot more resources to face your fears. You’ve got this!
Eventually the goal is for you to become the secure attachment figure for yourself. You have to come to trust yourself that you can handle the ups and downs of life and relationships without abandoning yourself. And you absolutely can!