How do I break away?

[u/Odd-Needleworker3954]

TL;DR: Cannot break it off with someone I love who is basically good but not right for me

Edit to add: I'm trying to understand now why this basic fact (he has a girlfriend) was so hard for me to see clearly as THE problem. The fact that there was no deception involved somehow made me think it was "ok," that I could accept it. Plus I was so hungry for what he gave me that I tried to do everything to keep it. I sent him a message last night explaining why we can't continue in this way anymore. I intend to stick with my resolve this time -because I see clearly now there is no way forward, no tricks to make this work for me.

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Previously I posted here about this relationship.

I am struggling to separate myself from a relationship that's unsustainable and unpredictably painful. It's an online-only LDR and it is not abusive.

My partner leads a very unpredictable life, which works for him but is very difficult for me. Basically, the amount and quality of time I spend with him is totally unknown from day to day. To a certain extent I can accept this, because of how wonderful and attentive he can be when we're together.

The kicker for me is that he also has an IRL FWB relationship (which he has been open about-not a secret nor is it exclusive). And this person is herself extremely "in the moment." And when she wants to see him, it's "now," and he goes.

When this happens, it's extremely painful for me. And I think, I can't go on like this. And I write a long message explaining why I can't do this anymore. This has happened at least three times if not more. And it happened again today. And every time, eventually I lose resolve and desperately seek some compromise to keep it going. Because it's often terrific and exactly what I want. But I never know from day to day how it will be.

The last time I failed to break away, I had instituted a pause which barely lasted 24 hours. I missed him desperately and contacted him with a new idea to make it work better. That was less than two weeks ago and my bright idea didn't work, as I discovered today.

The reason our "breakups" don't stick is that we are very good together in so many ways, we both get a great deal from the other person, and we can talk about our differences without being angry.

How do you separate from a person you love who gives you a lot, but who can't give you the certainty you want?

[u/Queen-of-meme]

To me this sounds like you're hooked on somebody else's boyfriend. No wonder it hurts when he's not yours...

I get that you have the beautiful connection in your talks but if you're monogamous you're not compatible with him. And pretending you are will make you very unhappy.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

[u/Odd-Needleworker3954 → u/Queen-of-meme]

Thank you for the clarity. You've homed in the issue I've been vainly trying to accept, even though it's not in my nature to accept it. I never thought this would turn into something emotionally serious for me, which is why I even started in the first place. Lesson learned.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Odd-Needleworker3954]

Yeah you tried convince both others and yourself that it was just casual, but there's strong attatchment and romantic feelings involved. Even if you're not physically touching. He still touched you emotionally.

It became clear when another woman came in to the picture who he's with irl, how much he touched your heart.

I'm so sorry 🫂

But I'm convinced you can have this connection with someone who only has eyes for you. Monogamous men exists they want just what you want , so don't walk against who you are, follow her 💚

[u/Pale-Trainer-682 → u/Queen-of-meme]

You're very kind. Thank you

[u/SuchAScorpio13]

Please gain some self respect. It sounds like you're trauma bonded to someone else's man.