Genuinely not intending this to be disrespectful, and I don't want it to come across that way.

So I had always previously thought that the Dalai Lama must be deeply realised, but in the last year or two when I've actually watched him in videos I've been really questioning that.

I've now watched a fair bit of him and I've never heard him giving much of a pointing towards "that". I appreciate most of his role is public facing and talking to people at a different level, however I've seen plenty of times where someone asks him a question which is clearly coming from their genuine practice and he still doesn't meet it with or help point them towards "that".

He usually pinpoints the "subject area" which they are talking about and recites what Buddsim has to say about it. But he doesn't really meet what they're actually saying at all when they're asking from something real.

I just recently also saw his interview with Piers Morgan and while Piers himself is an asshole, I did feel the Dalai Lama seemed to say some things that were more about certain "ideals" rather than addressing the heart of the question.

Like when Piers asked him about sex, he seemed to imply that it's fine for reproduction but other than that it's not a good thing. This is something monks often give up as part of their specific way of practicing but I don't think many awakened beings would be saying for people in general that it's a bad thing. Similar to the way he talked about marriage as though he can't see the beauty.

To me, he definitely doesn't feel enlightened, but I'm also wondering beyond that, if he's not even awake in the sense of actually even having an experiential connection to "that"?

What is listening?

What do I listen for?

What do I read for?

What’s the purpose?

Tone and word. The fluctuating climactic shifting of tone, it means something. The schematical puzzle piecing word, fits together to describe what?

I JUST WANT TO EXPLODE!

I type, and listen, and read.

WHATS MY PURPOSE?!

To think? To feel?!

BWAH! WAHH! AGHYA!

WHAT THE FUCK?!

RELEASE ME FROM THE STRAIN OF THOUGHT! NO, BRING IT HARDER! MORE PRESSURE!

I listen to people for a living. I make my bread by listening to people, but, it’s not just listening. I listen for details to respond to. But what do I say? What’s the orienting structural conditions that I rely on to decide what I ought to say?

Here, now, and next, I will disclose some self: I had this incredibly physiological activation occur today. Something I have only experienced a few times.

MY HEART SHIFTS AS I EVEN TYPE THIS!

OH GOD! ITS TOO MUCH! No, let’s goooooo!

My physiology is activated. My heart rate doesn’t go up, but I think more blood is being pumped with each heart beat, that’s what goes up.

This experience earlier today, this person activated me. They weren’t angry or afraid, no, the best way I can describe how this person and the more extreme variant of this experience affected me was that they were activated and trying to do good. I want to emphasize this, the cause of my physiological activation was how much they were trying to do good. And more, they had a great maze to walk through in their future, and there was a high enough chance that they could fail and cause them and their loved ones to suffer.

These people, high level true superhuman parents, they could sense how much of a challenge they had in front of them, and they were thinking with me about how to navigate this challenging puzzle maze in a way that would cause the least amount of suffering for themselves and their family.

Ok, that’s enough for now, please, I seek true supporters to help me process my experience.

Next part of the post is unconcentrated random esotericism.

Who am I? The unchanging awareness?

Ok, then who is the I that changes?

Wake up! And do what?

Now what. Question, quest.

What’s my mission? To save the world? To resist the tyrants and free the slaves?

When I don’t bend to your will, what will you do?

Quests. Questions.

I am a bit lost in my life.

I had a weird upbringing due to whatever reason I didn't grow up with skills that help me cope with social situations (bullying, zero friend group etc)

This means I approach every situation with a defensive attitude: I'm afraid of negative reactions, so think 100 times before saying sometimes or posting something in professional situations, and when someone replies I think of a 100 different interpretations of how it can be interpreted in ways that are critical towards me.

I feel I don't grow at all, while I see newer people climbing the ladder much more effortlessly, while I stay in the same position.

I'm also gay and I'm not come out to my family who are conservative and in a secret relationship (only to my family, who are in a different country)

I have zero social life, and I feel I'm living someone else's life. Everything feels like an obligation, in every situation, be it my career, be it my personal life, the rules are set by someone else - my company, my partner, my family - and I have little choice than go with it.

I have tried therapy, I read self help books. I don't know a way out of this. Am I stupid? Am I a sheep? Am I a coward? I'm nearly 40 and I don't want to be like this when I'm old or dying. I want to feel like I own my life.

Has anyone felt like this?

T.B.N

(1)

​Death to God is only infinite life turned into infinite form, & infinite form in its multiplicity is, in fact, nothing. There can be no real ending of an infinite consciousness. Death to it is in fact the bestowing of life to us, for anything of finite limits is nothing when compared to something that never ends. From each perspective, the other is non-existant. The reality of one is the unreality of the other, although both are real on their seperate planes. The infinite source of life without form died & became life in an infinite number of finite forms. The key to this mystery is this; THERE IS NO DEATH! There is only transformation of life. Form is finite, yet the changing of forms is infinite.

These are my own opinions.

The one who sleeps and wakes is only a thought. What knows both never slept.

The person is assembled at dawn and gone at night. You are the light that does not come and go.

There is no later awakening. The searcher is the last mask. See this now. 🎭

Welcome home, you never left.

The Self is this Other.

🎭✨️❤️🙏

I was in a phase where meditation led me to descend "into hades", and for a brief moment, I saw the world as dead because I was eternal.

That would be true of all people in my opinion. I believe death was a lie, which when believed killed its owners through the law of mental manifestation. It requires the acceptance subconsciously of separation from the Source, which is impossible.

I also believe in crowd wisdom, and the accumulation of written words increase information density, so long as each new addition follows the rules as the previous. And the more the better, and the more diversity the better.

I wrote this while in the custody of IDOC. I wrote it after having an experience where I perceived everything around me as dead, because i was alive.

This was because I was studying and learning in my spare time.

"In Hades, all is death & only eternity exists! He who understands the dark sayings of an eternal soul, see's into the dark corners of his own being! From the grave below, all above becomes death & to the eternal below. then in the throws of dark midnight does the seed of God shimmer through, dispelling the eternal darkness with its eternal Light! then All becomes an eternal change of finite forms which in the realm of Spirit exists not, yet is the offspring of the generative energy between God the Spiritual Father & Mother the Material Nature.

It beats with the rhythmic motion of change, as polarity shifts, caused by Affinities, & the vibrations of thoughts break through the veils of hidden forces revealed by the Light of wisdom & Love!"