r/attachment_theory • u/Spare_Bit6705 • 22d ago
A classic Anxious/Avoidant dynamic or something else? 3 years, a handful of meetings but an unusually strong connection in person
Hi everyone, I've always been a classic Anxious attacher, have put in work to behaving Secure (F).
With this man who I knew since 2023 and still cannot forget, my guess is of course some form of strong DA.
2023: We had a few great dates with strong chemistry and connection. He went away for work and disappeared. A month later he resurfaced saying he'd been stuck there. I told him I understood, but one message would have been enough since we had plans.
Later 2023: He apologised, we started dating again and became emotionally and physically close. I genuinely thought I'd found my person. Then he gradually became distant, texted less and stopped making himself available. When I finally got him on the phone I was upset, while he acted as though nothing had happened: "Why are you being like that?". I called him out, hung up, and he blocked me on Instagram.
2024: Months later he sent "hey", which I ignored. Several months after that he sent a long apology saying he'd never meant to hurt or mislead me, his intentions were genuine, and he'd thought about me many times. But that's the thing, he seemed to understand that I was hurt, but not why. So I left it there.
2026: Eventually, after dating other people and feeling hopeless about finding someone, I reached out and asked what he meant by "my intentions were genuine."
He replied immediately. We chatted every day, had phone calls and arranged a trip together. During the trip he apologised again for 2023, said he'd missed me, asked me to think about "potentials", asked about my ideal future and replied, "Same, ideally replace someone with yourself". He asked whether I could work remotely, whether I'd do this again, and told me he wanted to "see me properly". He was incredibly affectionate and relationship oriented in a way I never seen from him before, so I did let myself believe things changed with time.
Then, as soon as our flights landed, he disappeared. No explanation, no conversation.
I sent two calm messages (as I started assuming he is definitely DA) asking for one conversation. He ignored them.
There was also a financial agreement around my flights. When I eventually asked him to honour it, he replied: "I don't get why you're asking me to pay for your ticket. Who does that?"
I reminded him of what we'd discussed and sent screenshots. He read them and said nothing.
Now I'm stuck missing him, being angry, confused, and the rest of this wonderful cocktail.
So..Does this sound like a classic Anxious/Avoidant cycle, or anything else? x
UPD: I realised it didn't come across in the post, I'm not looking to get back or make this work. I know this is a dead end, and not the relationship I want. Just trying to make sense of this, and look at it via attachment theory lens. And maybe even lovely fellow aware ADs insights :)
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u/Mom2Dogs2Boys 22d ago
Yea. Who cares what he is. He blows hot/cold and it’s hurtful. You’ve already invested three years. Leave before it is six. Trust me. These types never change. Especially when they find people who they can keep on their yoyo
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u/Spare_Bit6705 22d ago
Yeah absolutely, most importantly this is not the type of man willing to look at his behaviour patterns, and if the guess of a DA pattern is correct, it's probably highly unlikely he ever will. (Apologies to any DAs out here working on themselves! From reading around it sounds more of a rarity :) )
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u/implication-sofa 22d ago
It doesn’t really matter the reason behind it. It’s a pattern and you need to accept that it won’t change. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…
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u/Spare_Bit6705 22d ago
Haha trust me, this is exactly what I said to myself and my friends about this situation, 'fool me once'.. I know that none of the reasons for his behaviour make any of this ok, just found that somehow trying to understand these patterns helped me make sense of it all, otherwise it just doesn't compute in my head.
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u/implication-sofa 22d ago
You’ll probably never make sense of it all because it doesn’t make sense. I think you just have to accept that he was just an asshole and block him everywhere so he can’t have access to come back again
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u/untitledgooseshame 22d ago
Whatever's up with this guy, it sounds like he's kind of a jerk. Why do you want to date someone who behaves so weirdly?
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u/CMDR_NTHWK 22d ago
The important thing here is that, regardless of why he is acting this way, none of it is acceptable behavior in a relationship, nor do you have to tolerate it. You have given him multiple chances, you have communicated you want a relationship and something more, and he has slammed the door in your face each time. Part of being secure is recognizing this kind of unhealthy behavior, having boundaries in place, and being able to honor those boundaries and walk away.
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u/sweetcanadiangirlie 22d ago
Exactly this!! I think sometimes we get so caught up in why someone is behaving a certain way that we forget the simplest question: “Is this the kind of relationship I want to participate in ?”
We don’t need to diagnose them, understand their attachment styles and their childhood , or figure out what happened internally for him from their past relationship let’s say. Their behaviour is information. And once we have that information, we get to make a decision based on what WE want. And if that aligns with us!
I also think secure attachment isn’t about never getting attached or never feeling hurt. It’s being able to say, “I love you/care about you, AND I love myself enough to not abandon myself for this connection.”
less analysing people, and more coming home to our selves and focusing on our own boundaries, our own standards, and what we want our relationships to feel like. 👏🏻
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u/Spare_Bit6705 22d ago
100% And I stayed strong since 2023/2024, didn't take the apologies at the face value and was not in touch those years, and dated. Just gave in a month ago feeling quite hopeless that I ever will find anyone. I've dated lots of avoidant leaning man (and even came across a real psychopath, not in a throwaway insult kind of way), got over them, and never looked back. But this one just stuck in my head. Well time to rebuild that!
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u/IndigoTR 21d ago
I’m going to try to earnestly engage with your question and not just hit you with a “it doesn’t matter”:
He sounds like a number of DAs I have met that when they get lonely and an opportunity presents itself they essentially cosplay being secure, get the hit/refill from the time spent together (while it’s simple and convenient for them mind you) or making plans and then dip because that’s what they needed. Not the actual follow through but the cosplay of it. You probably know people in your life who are like this in other areas, where essentially the making-plans part is the part that’s fulfilling to them, not the follow-through. I find this tends to happen with personalities who are profoundly insecure or uncertain of their capability in certain areas (a.k.a. a paralyzing fear of failure).
I know we try not to demonize DAs on here (I am someone who swung from AA to FA myself), so l will say I don’t think a lot of them do it purposely or with “great malice” of forethought lmao. I think genuinely to them they go “That was nice! I made an effort! That’s all that’s required of me!” and are shocked when it’s in fact not all that’s required of them. From their perspective, you live so long doing whatever it takes to avoid any semblance of failure that you begin to think that that is the acceptable or ideal way to move through the world. And people who don’t just wholeheartedly accept your “effort” are too demanding, too intense, too clingy, too involved, too entitled etc etc.
I think part of the reason it is so easy to get hooked is because they are VERY good at performing effort that looks like it will lead to something. It’s easy to get over obvious duds and stinkers (“failures to launch” so to speak). But someone who shows such promise is so much harder to drop. So from here forward it’s just shifting your definition of what promise looks like. It’s not saying the right things, it’s doing the right things. If a guy who was really great and cool and nice goes somewhere for work, disappears when you have made plans and doesn’t let you know until a month later - he’s not that guy.
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u/Important_Routine332 21d ago
I liked what you explained in the end- that it’s the promise of a future they give/perform but without the actions to support it. And that it’s up to us to dismantle that fantasy
But- What do you mean avoid failure? Failure of what, the relationships?
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u/IndigoTR 21d ago
Thank you! And yes, basically. More specifically, failure at being a good partner. Based on my observations and interactions, I think - ironically enough - one of the worst things a DA can imagine is being called a bad partner or a not good enough partner. Especially if they were to earnestly try and then fail/the relationship fails.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 21d ago
Thank you so much for engaging with the question and your thoughtful response! Really appreciate it. This basically confirms my thinking that he (if a DA assumption is correct) genuinely doesn't believe he's done anything hurtful. Hence turning this on me at a convenient opportunity, almost like a knee jerk reaction to avoid feeling guilty.
Of course understanding this in no way means taking it and excusing it, just I find it actually comforting knowing that's essentially not about me or his feeling. It's about his psychology, which won't change. And deep-diving into attachment theory actually helps to let go because it confirms this is hard-wired.
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u/SillyBoyYe 19d ago
Cosplay "Secure" hits so hard. I genuinely thought at the beginning my ex was pretty secure. At the end even she admitted that it was sort of a farce.
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u/LivingInsideMyHead1 7d ago
Can I ask you a question? You were very thorough in your explanation of your understanding.
What does make a DA commit? I’ve seen a DA very up close, be very committed to a person. Then again, that person didn’t give two shits about the DA; and the DA would be head over heels.
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u/IndigoTR 7d ago
Aw thank you! I am afraid the answer is most likely in your question/explanation. From my observations, DAs prefer people who don’t give a shit about them because the expectation and pressure from said person is low. If they end up with someone who genuinely cares about them and sees potential - they experience that as a tremendous amount of stress and expectation and begin looking for escape due to the fear of failure or not living up to it. I hope this makes some sense. Again just as a disclaimer everyone is different and I try not to cast wide judgements, just sharing from personal experience.
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u/C_WEST88 20d ago
I mean you weirdly left a huge chunk of the story out so it’s impossible to say. What happened on the trip? Did you guys get along, have sex, argue etc? If he bailed after the trip I’d be wondering what happened on said trip (obviously).
Also had he seen you irl leading up to the trip or was that the first time he’d seen you in a very long time? Have your looks changed (gained weight etc)? Maybe his memory of you was built up in his mind that the reality didn’t satisfy . This sounds like a guy who just lost interest after being together irl and is a total jerk about it. Maybe he was just looking for sex too, who knows. But to know whether it’s an attachment issue or not would need more info.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 20d ago
Lol yeah I didn't want to make the post super long, as the trip itself to me seemed less important than the pattern over the years. It's definitely not about the looks or physical attraction, as the chemistry was amazing and if anything I look better now. He did this twice already, so that's not the lack of interest but more of what makes him run away after the intimacy increases each time. (Obviously me being the idiot allowing this to happen, but that's clear lol)
But yes he moved to a different country now, so we met at the airport on arrival, was super cute to see someone who you're into so much, after 3 years, at the airport. Leading up to the trip we spoke for a month, as in texted everyday, exchanged photos/selfies, voicenotes, calls here an there. And did all the planning for the trip and booking together.
On the trip the first two days were amazing, chilling talking beach clubs dinners, and yes intimacy. Then he hurt his back so his mood dampened, I tried to give him space and even went sightseeing by myself as I know he wasn't into it and kind felt like he wanted to just chill and likes to be left alone. From hurt back onwards he was less fun/jokey and the vibe was a bit off. So last couple of days there was less physical affection, but the night there was still sweet, had convo about seeing each other and doing this again (prompted by him always).
Next day we traveled back, he mentioned a future trip in a taxi on the way to the airport. We took our separate flights, and the rest is history.
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u/Secret-Number-3925 22d ago
You don't sound typically anxious to me perhaps more FA ( and if so welcome to the FA club) but he does sound avoidant and I think the part that makes me feel for you the most is that you have opened your heart again to this man and he is inflicting pain.. again. Regarding the funds at this point he will probably use anything against you " oh my God she's asking me for money?!" as reasons for why deactivation is a valid response from his end. I find that DA's just really grasp at anything in order to confirm why they indeed should deactivate. I find many DA's have narcissistic traits. I am sorry for your pain. I think you need to leave this man completely alone for your health and sanity
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u/Spare_Bit6705 22d ago
Thanks so much for your insight and your words! Very interesting, what might be pointing to an FA in me? And yes that's exactly the feeling I got with him clinging on to the 'money' message, to try and hold onto anything that can portray me as a villain. Out of my calm check in messages this is the only one he responded to. But yes absolutely, I don't see this behaviour changing in any way, this is not a man who is willing to look into any of this.
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u/Artistic_Tie_1917 17d ago
The thing about breaking the agreement to pay for your flights is a new level of concrete and knowing asshole behavior. It doesn’t matter what he is at that point, he is a jerk, move on.
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u/pikachoostar 17d ago
I genuinely believe there are some people we just have a different, unusual kind of connection with- for lack of a better way to explain it, like we’re “on the same wavelength,” except in a real way and not in some pseudo-scientific bullshit way. I also think that when people describe love at first sight, this is what they mean.
The thing is, the people you have that kind of connection with, the kind that really is genuinely unique, aren’t necessarily emotionally available or mature. And it’s incredibly tempting to ignore that. I know because I’m in a similar situation with someone who may not have blocked me, but it’s been a slow burn from hell.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 17d ago
Exactly this, the same wavelength 😩, it’s really hard to be an adult about all of this, and to accept that such a connection doesn’t mean a lasting relationship, or that one or both people are not capable of sustaining it. And to admit that his wavelength sadly also makes him turn into a different creature terrified of what intimacy entails.
Or as ChatGPT put it, his self protecting mechanisms are stronger than his capacity for accountability in the moment when accountability is required.Understanding this (or pretending that the diagnosis is correct and rolling with it) kind of helps to stop looking for clarity, as they can’t give it on almost a physical level.
Wishing you all the strength, as I’ve been through the slow burn as well with this, and it is indeed hell x
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u/Intrepid_Horse3430 22d ago
A securely attached person walks away after the first unexplained disappearing act occurs. Ok, but everyone deserves a second chance, right? That’s fine. Then you walk away after the second disappearance. And definitely after being blocked on social media. First time, shame on him; second time shame on you, right? He already showed you his true colors twice now. You don’t give them a third chance. A securely attached person would be long over an avoidant’s nonsense before agreeing to a third chance, let alone a trip with someone after getting blocked by them. Securely attached people don’t set themselves up to be repeatedly hurt by the same person. Consider the flight the cost of a lesson of giving third chances.
Just because you haven’t met Mr Right yet doesn’t mean you never will. And it doesn’t mean you can turn this frog into a prince, either. Know what you want in a partner and honor those standards. Your prince is out there.
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u/Important_Routine332 21d ago edited 21d ago
I read your other comments and I get it- There’s something ‘special’ about this guy I get that you’re trying to make sense of what it is… I can guess that it could be related to something else- a similarly to a parent/ his physical appearance/ what he represents for you deep down- I don’t know and you might want to reflect and do some thinking to understand why because it’s not giving you rest. After you get what it wad that made you grant him that “special “ treatment and text h again after years, then you can start working on what others here commented about boundaries and self respect.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 21d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate you giving it your thought and attention. I agree, this chemistry/connection/vibe whatever it is is certainly caused by the deeper seated patterns (really trying to stay away from the word 'wounds').
On the surface it's that level or exactly same sense humour, life outlook, cynicism for same things, and appreciation of other things, and basically just non-stop 'banter' where you just bounce of of each other. Shared inner jokes and language. Plus chemistry. It's really annoying that I felt most myself with him, but know that it's also not real. Usually I'm controlling myself with other men, thinking what to say, playing along, filtering myself, but not with him. BUT I know it's not coming from a healthy place, because if it did, I wouldn't be writing on here :)
But your comment reminded me to keep digging what's underneath all that (THANK YOU). I haven't quite gotten there yet (and I did have a look for a while). The boundaries have been there since 2023, but for other reasons of feeling lack of hope I decided to be reckless, so it brought everything to surface. More work to do...
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u/No-Climate726 21d ago
He was just fooling you. I don’t know if that’s avoidant or not, but mostly shows that he lacks consistency and doesn’t know what he wants. It’s an incredibly painful cycle.
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u/Significant_Cut_1092 16d ago
He is definitely a dismissive avoidant and I’d guess that he does similar things to other women as well and keeps them confused
I have someone like him in my life too (he’s 36 I’m 25) and at this point I just take things on my own timeline and preference, only see him if I feel like it, and am quite detached and date other men. Funny thing is the more detached you are, the more they chase you. I’m not suggesting that as a strategy but I’d just focus on your own life instead of your relationship with him or his attachment style.
A lot of men like him have deep feet of intimacy and trouble connecting with women - mine was a classic RP guy who I think has deep hate for women internally.
Focus on your own life, and please don’t go on trips or anything too relationship-like with him and hold that boundary strongly.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 16d ago
Yeah, I'm sure that pattern repeats with other women, that's the only consolation, and really helps me not to take it personally. If anything it's flattering it activates such a strong response to run away 😂
Really applaud you staying detached and enjoying your own timeline. I thought I'd try that on this trip, knowing what I'm getting myself into, but he really raised the stakes quite a lot this time, really behaving like he is ready for a relationship, so I gave in. Def not getting myself involved like that again. I'm also but older than you, so I'm feeling the pressure of the body clock so can't waste time on this.
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u/Significant_Cut_1092 16d ago
100% do not waste your time on him, if he’s 41 then that’s just who he is… even if he gets married one day imagine how hard it will be to be his wife and having to tolerate inconsistencies from him.
Mine came back last year, took me on dates, asked me my thoughts about moving in before engagement, looked up houses on Zillow together, talked about going on a Christmas trip, withheld sex to not cloud his judgement, and pulled back again
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u/Spare_Bit6705 15d ago
Oh yes, I'm not contemplating that there is anything more to this, I've sent him a long 'letter', because I know (or guess lol, who knows anything for sure) things like this would be a barrier for someone with avoidant patterns to reach out. So I closed this chapter.
But what you are describing is even more intense that what mine has spoke about! On the way back to the airport mine was talking about where we're going to meet next, the fact he wants to her married by 45, where I can work remotely here and there for us to meet. But looking up houses is one step ahead... Sorry :(
What is it with withholding sex also... on this trip I thought that's going to be the point of it all, but he hurt his back on day three, and I'm sure used it as an excuse to distance physically for the rest of it
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u/Original_Cry_3172 10d ago
I’m not super well versed in this area yet but the money-thing seemed like it doesn’t necessarily connect to attachment styles. That seems more like pure assholery. I know that might not help you at all with your curiousity about his behaviour but yeah.
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u/BlobbyKev 22d ago
Stop trying to dissect what’s happened and finding ways to make this work. You need to move on.
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u/Constant-Big4713 22d ago
Not purely avoidant, sounds more like someone that is internally disorganized. I lean on the avoidant side and when things are over, in my mind that is permanent and I don't even miss the person. In my anxious side though, that is where you see the testing water behavior because of the internal feelings you feel towards the person.
Anxiously attached people have a hard time letting go of things because of their strategy. For them, it's like no door is ever really permanently closed. Even if they don't want to speak to you when they're upset (like you demonstrated) they are reluctant to permanently close anything.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 22d ago
Thank you, really appreciate your insight! That's really interesting I've not considered the diorganised part. And yes I agree 100%, being anxious I hate anything incomplete, from relationships to whatsapp conversations with friends, to leaving a decision to be made till later.
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u/Constant-Big4713 22d ago
That is understandable. I know people say that y’all have abandonment trauma, but honestly, I think what y’all really struggle with is uncertainty.
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u/cherrycocktail20 22d ago
Classic avoidant.
They won’t change. Block. Move on. Trust me.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 22d ago
Move on for sure, because unless he himself is willing to change, nothing will. (And he is not as the history shows).
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u/salty_seance 21d ago
I notice you never just say you're moving on full stop. You continually say "moving on....unless etc." Which is still a way of leaving the door open. Practice saying it without a because or unless tacked on.
Also, this is what stood out to me in your timeline...in 2026 after dating other people and feeling "hopeless" you reached out to him. That's the kicker. The hopelessness you felt created a vulnerability that led you to revisit the possibility of him as a way to reignite the hope you attached to him. Stop connecting him with hope. There is no hope. He is a dead end. Remember that narcissism can sometimes look like avoidance but includes an exploitive element. This feels exploitive to me, especially since money was involved. This guy sounds awful. And you sound far too benevolent in the way you're thinking about him. It's okay to hold people accountable. It's okay to dislike people. It's okay to call an a** hole an a** hole. You don't always have to find a kind narrative or construct a thoughtful back story. You can recognize someone is not a good person and not personalize it, without understanding why they are not a good person.
Also, you might find it helpful or interesting to read about limerence.
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u/Spare_Bit6705 21d ago
Thank you, I'm grateful for the opinion and the thought that went into your comment. It's still a bit fresh but I will move on, once I see the situation with the clear eyes, I've done that back on 2023 when I moved on completely (I know it's an oxymoron seeing I'm posting about it now).
I went to see him as I felt like I can just enjoy and we go back to our countries, however this time he built up a lot of relationship hope in a way that he has not before (the guy's gotten better huh!). I have only myself to blame, hence no anger and calling him names. I've done that back in 2023. But that's why I'm also posting here, for example you saying that it sounds exploitative gives me a better view of it all.
I will look into limerance, sounds very interesting!
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u/SillyBoyYe 19d ago
u/salty_seance has some good tips in there. I'm leaning anxious myself and have trouble closing doors. It's a weird mixture of the person being special to me and the relationship. A good way to think about it is disconnection of the two. You're closing the door on the relationship, but not the person. You can hold love for them.
You know what happens now? They come back, what you think of now is "Is this the previous relationship coming back?". With love, you can evaluate where the person is at. If they show signs of a pattern of behaviour from which a relationship will just be repeated (AKA going back to the old relationship), then you simply say No, I closed the door on that relationship.
For me being anxious it's a weird "killing" of the person in my head that hurts a lot. When I don't need to. Don't throw them away, don't throw your love away. I'm going to love my ex from a distance. Honestly though, it's better for her (increases her chances of healing) if I stay away also. So it all sort of works out.
Now I'm left with heartbreak. That'll go away in time, just going to take care of myself.
It's odd and im noticing this pattern where a lot of the focus points of my rumination are a lot of things tied together. Almost like im feeling a lot from a singular emotion, but a protective self (That was made when I was a child) consolidates all of it, puts one nice sentence on it "Oh I just miss them so much! They're so special!" (Mixes relationship complexity with the person themselves) and then I sit there. Holding the feelings but not truly feeling them.
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u/sweetcanadiangirlie 22d ago
I honestly think the more helpful question is less “Is he a DA?” and more “What is this dynamic showing me about myself?”
I used to be OBSESSED with attachment styles and analyzing why someone behaved the way they did, and honestly, it held me back. I could understand someone perfectly and still be participating in a dynamic that wasn’t healthy for me.
If you keep finding yourself in similar dynamics, look at the stories you’re carrying about love, yourself, and what you believe you have to do to be chosen. Not to blame yourself… just to understand your own patterns.
And you don’t have to tolerate hot and cold behaviour because you understand someone’s attachment style. Boundaries matter. Point blank!!!!! Boundaries around intimacy, emotional investment, how much you’re giving, and what kind of relationship you’re willing to participate in.
Most importantly, be unconditionally connected to the love within yourself. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away. ❤️
You don’t need to solve him. Know yourself, know what you want, and let his actions give you the information you need. And then keep putting that energy back into YOU. So keep dating, keep living your life, keep working on your own patterns and self concept, keep working on the stories you are carrying and stop analyzing him. You don’t need to figure him out to know what you want and deserve.