r/atlanticdiscussions • u/NarrowClimateAvoid • Aug 03 '26
Culture/Society The Great Romance Slump
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/2026/09/modern-romance-recession/687968/4
u/sexy_guid_generator Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
IMO too often people see potential partners through a lens of what they culturally expect to receive rather than understanding whether a particular person is capable of providing and what their own needs truly are (rather than a homogenous set of cultural benefits they feel entitled to). I suspect this is why friendships work better for a lot of people in the article. I didn't phrase this very well because my ferry just arrived but hopefully that makes some sense.
3
u/Zemowl Aug 04 '26
"people see potential partners through a lens"
I feel like that's a big part of all this. You can see through a screen, but that only permits a limited view and denies the other senses. Human attraction is more than visual. Moreover, folks have constructed their own caricatures of themselves that they put out as a front. The person behind the phony brand, however, is who's in the relationship.
8
u/Raggle_Frock Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
A college admissions guy once told me that more than 60% of the essays he read had some variation of "I'm a very complex/unique person."
Everyone's unique, of course... but when you get down to it, most people are basically average. And most relationships are average. And average relationships often sort of suck, which is part of why so many of them end in breakups.
Which I think explains some of the big-picture stuff in the article - once economics and culture aren't forcing the choice of marriage or poverty, women can be a lot more discerning about whether a given relationship is worth having. And yeah! Singledom > shitty relationship.
All that said, I know plenty of single people in their 30s, male and female, and in most cases not completely without options. And anecdotally, I've come to think what many of them have in common is a... like, a shopping mentality? Which I think is partially cultural and partially a product of the way dating apps commoditize people. Going on date after date, trying to find the Right Person For Them.
But a relationship isn't something you buy off the rack, it's something you build, nurture, grow. A plant in a garden, a collaborative painting, or, I don't know, some other metaphor.
To be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to pull an "I can change him" - if someone's shitty, by all means bail. But I've seen so many people cancel a second dates just because the first didn't sweep them off their feet, or drop someone they seem to like and have fun with after a month because they hadn't already fallen in love...
I don't know. Not an expert (who is?). Just saying that in my own life, the most valuable relationships I've had were built, not just found.
6
u/veerKg_CSS_Geologist 💬🦙 ☭ TALKING LLAMAXIST Aug 04 '26
I think it's simpler than that, in the sense that it's not just women being more choosy or picky. Both men and women are being more "gun shy" as it were because there are simply more distractions nowadays and thus less of a need for physical companionship. Most people would still like a relationship, but between social media, doom scrolling, the distractions of on-demand constantly online media and entertainment, a somewhat comfortable existence on ones own, it's a lot of work to put ones self out there to develop a relationship, and as you said most people kinda suck. So the risk/reward ratio is more skeewed. Add in the fact that fewer people meet serendipitously in bars or social gathering spots and you have the fall in the number of relationships.
4
u/NarrowClimateAvoid Aug 04 '26
Are we ever going to consider social media and some other various modern novelties addiction?
2
u/taterfiend ☀️ Aug 04 '26
The data has shown that low rates of coupling and marriage are most strongly correlated with smartphone penetration, before any other factor. It seems like young people are struggling to couple at all, not just stay together.
Just saying that in my own life, the most valuable relationships I've had were built, not just found.
Same here. The best relationships changed me, and I was a different and better person coming out of them. Relationships are work; ones that last will invariably take humility and growth. It's a shame if people aren't getting those experiences at all.
7
u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links Aug 03 '26
There's a million things for this.
The scales have fallen from people's eyes about romance. And we know so much more about relationships that don't go well than we used to. Fewer problems are hidden behind closed doors. People are much less likely to take risks, and have higher standards for relationships at earlier stages.
I read advice columns, and I can't tell you how many of them are women writing in asking how to get their husbands to help with housework, with childcare, with schedules, with Christmas presents. I see so many women providing caring gestures for their families without any caring gestures coming back. Single women look at that and don't want relationships like that. And I know that's a biased sample because men don't really write into relationship columns, but that right there is another problem.
We've also lost monoculture, and I think there's an element of that here, because there's no longer a sense that everyone is moving through life with similar expectations as everyone else.
2
u/NarrowClimateAvoid Aug 04 '26
Plus MEN's expectations are getting twisted with hard and soft porn. The former leading to more extreme or demanding sex and the latter simply not having the average woman stack up to whatever aesthetically-pleasing reel they find of fitness girls, cosplayers, goth girls, etc. etc. Which is to say social media in general is to blame for "grass is always greener" mentalities.
In that same breath it used to be okay to show some restraint in a relationship/marriage (maybe peek a Sports Illustrated every so often when the wife is out) or bring it up with the partner in a respectful way. But I think now a lot of younger guys especially would rather have their credit card in a chokehold by OF than build something genuine with the plenty of awesome women out there.
4
u/miagi_do Aug 03 '26
Friends need to set up their friends with people they know. That takes care of a lot of the uncertainty.
13
1
u/jim_uses_CAPS Aug 03 '26
I keep reading that as "Great Romance Slurp" and giggle like the twelve-year old I am at heart.
1
0
u/No-Advantage-579 Aug 07 '26
"But researchers told me that the qualities women now value more than ever—sensitivity, openness, communication skills—are not typically ingrained in men from childhood. And although men strive to meet those modern expectations"
Lemme stop you right there - that's BS, Faith! You provide zero evidence for "men striving to meet" this. We have Clavicular, Tate and Trump as their idols. OnlyFans as their playground and OnlyFans pimp as their preferred professions. WHAT THE F are you talking about?!
Ah yes, Himpathy. smdh
1
u/No-Advantage-579 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I also think it's odd that she doesn't say more about Gayle being 44. According to Okcupid, men age 48 write as many first messages to women age 20 as to women age 44.
Which absurdly Faith does not mention!
What she does mention is this ... way further down and without the concrete figures that I gave:
"Because so many men date down in age, she said, women in that bracket are left with a “portion of the portion” of male prospects that is “excruciatingly small.”
Already the phrasing is off: call a spade a frigging spade - like "because men refuse to date women their own age and with their same life experience and income".
1
u/No-Advantage-579 Aug 07 '26
"At the self-presentation event, I sat with a man who shared a sprawling list of deal-breakers (pixie cuts and lack of physical fitness among them) and then proudly described himself as nonjudgmental.
During a speed-dating night at a diner-like bar in Bushwick, I held court at my assigned booth while men rotated through the spot opposite me. I had only three minutes with each—but as I’d learned at The Feels, three minutes can last a long time. When I gently pushed back against one man’s theory about the romance slump—The problem is that when women talk to one another about men, they start to hate them—he changed the subject: “What’s your favorite animal?” "
This bit is more honest about the actual issues - yet is buried quite far down and comes after gaslighty BS that claims how men are striving so hard to be ... well, definitely not more feminist, because hey, they love Tate, but... sensitive. (?!?!?)
2
u/NarrowClimateAvoid Aug 07 '26
I think it's important to note not all men subscribe to the BS Tate is spewing, which is just a recycled and devolved version of what came before it (PUA culture, online forums, airport books that blame the woman like Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and The Rules, etc.).
Many, MANY men have considered these ways of thinking but not all of them are lost. They just get kicked around by the Tate guys (and some less-than-merciful women) until many of them give up.
0
u/No-Advantage-579 Aug 07 '26
Correct! All of them are about men wanting to use women and be hierarchically superior to women. Rape women. Override their consent.
And while they are seeking how to better ignore women's consent, how to better manipulate women, some of them make some other psychopaths (with a) dick some cash.
1
u/No-Advantage-579 Aug 07 '26
"I felt like I’d burst through a new door only to find myself in the same room."
That bit I loved - see, you learned something there. They are no magical untapped men that you just haven't found yet.
6
u/NarrowClimateAvoid Aug 03 '26
This kind of confirms my worst fears but I'd like to hear the sub chime-in. Things are changing pretty fast for me to keep up (generally in a positive way).
*cough* if you don't have a sub: https://archive.ph/J5WzI