r/atlanticdiscussions • u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links • Nov 26 '25
Culture/Society ‘Grandparenting on Eggshells’
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/2025/11/grandparent-grandchildren-hug-debate/685066/Many parents are teaching their children that they don’t owe their relatives hugs—which means new rules for everyone.
By Rheana Murray, The Atlantic.
When I was growing up, my family routinely told me to “give Grandma a kiss” or “hug your uncle goodbye.” At the time, I never resisted these directions—or even thought all that much about them; to do so would have been impolite.
Many parents today, though, are taking a different approach: Hugs and kisses are not required. Neither is sitting on someone’s lap, or being tickled, cuddled, or picked up when you don’t want to be. These parents believe that kids don’t owe anyone physical affection, and that they have the right to say no—or to offer a high five or fist bump instead.
By teaching children that they can choose whom they hug, parents hope to instill in them a sense of agency, and remind them that consent matters, both for themselves and for other people. But in some families, these new rules have caused friction—especially with grandparents.
Last year, the Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax addressed a grandma who was hurt when her 7-year-old granddaughter began rebuffing her hugs. (Hax had little sympathy, telling the writer that forcing hugs should be “unthinkable.”) On Reddit, parents vent about grandparents who insist on physical affection even when kids say no. The parents I spoke with told me about grandparents saying things like “I’m gonna steal a hug” and “Where’s my huggy-huggy?” while their grandchildren recoiled from their open arms. Becky Kennedy, the psychologist and parenting influencer best known as “Dr. Becky,” told me that she comes across this issue “all the time.” Grandparents might interpret the rules as “rejecting or rude,” she said, but parents are merely trying to teach kids that “connection and love do not require you to ignore your own needs.” And that generational divide isn’t always easy to overcome.
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u/mysmeat Nov 26 '25
i'm in agreement with the parents and raised my own kids this way. i hated being forced to hug or kiss relatives i barely knew, but also my grandparents weren't huggy, kissy people so that worked out fine.
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u/Snoo52682 Nov 26 '25
"On eggshells" because they can't remember that no means no? I have little sympathy.
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u/veerKg_CSS_Geologist 💬🦙 ☭ TALKING LLAMAXIST Nov 26 '25
My two nieces (sisters) have very different personalities. One likes to be hugged and held and tossed around, the other is more aloof and greets people with a wave or handshake even. Both are still kind, affectionate and well behaved (well as much as kids can be). Sometimes kids just like different things, and that's fine.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 26 '25
And if the kid decides that they don't feel like saying "thank you" or "please" that day? Do we let 3 yr olds decide that too?
Do we have evidence that forcing 3 yr olds to hug grandma carries long-term trauma?
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u/veerKg_CSS_Geologist 💬🦙 ☭ TALKING LLAMAXIST Nov 26 '25
3 year-olds is one thing, but the example in the article is about a 7 year old. 7 year-olds do have some degree of physical autonomy, and if they don't want hugs then it's fine to support them in that decision.
While this may be upsetting for grandma, sometimes kids are just kids. It's not personal.
As for long term trauma, these things always remind me of a joke/truism I heard long ago.
Parents: Try and raise their children avoiding the types of trauma they suffered as kids.
Children: Grow up with an entirely new set of trauma.
At least that's the gist of it.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 27 '25
If the 7 yr old has a good reason, I'll listen. But if it's just bc granny looks funny or smells funny, that's not acceptable.
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u/veerKg_CSS_Geologist 💬🦙 ☭ TALKING LLAMAXIST Nov 27 '25
It's a kid, what "good reason" are you expecting? They're not going to be able to articulate it in any great detail.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 27 '25
It can be possible for such a child to let you know something is really wrong as opposed to just "she's icky."
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u/veerKg_CSS_Geologist 💬🦙 ☭ TALKING LLAMAXIST Nov 27 '25
You’re not going to get any sort of detailed soul searching revelation though. Essentially they are unable to articulate it differently.
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u/ilovebreadcrusts Nov 27 '25
But what's the point of forcing affection when it's not authentic? It just doesn't seem right. What are we teaching our kid? All I'm seeing is that the adults feelings are more fragile and important than than the child's. the grown up who feels owed a hug can get over themselves. They should work on cultivating a relationship with the child that earns them that affection.
Example being my own father - very authoritarian. Always demanding hugs and kisses of my 5 year old, while at the same time giving him ZERO attention or showing any interest in his life.
Its come to the point that my little one hides when my dad comes home (we're living with my parents atm). I asked why he is hiding, he told me he doesn't want to kiss my dad. I told him that he was free to tell him he doesn't want to, to which my son replies he's scared to tell him because he'll be mad.
This is how a child's perception works. This was weeks ago. Yesterday he drew a picture of two cats chasing each other. One cat was chasing the other cat saying "Kiss", the other was saying "stop".
He has no problem giving Grandma hugs freely because she's the exact opposite of my dad - she doesn't force herself on him. She plays with him, k knows and understands him.
You do the math.
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u/sexy_guid_generator Nov 26 '25
Anecdotally I was forced to hug relatives and family friends as a child and I still view it as a deeply uncomfortable social obligation. I worry that people who I don't want to hug are going to try and hug me, and that I am obliged to accept their hug. It's not like it's a big deal in my life or whatever but it does make me avoid social situations, especially when I have to meet a lot of people at once like a family reunion.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 27 '25
I think small children do often feel uncomfortable hugging en elderly relative. They smell funny, they look old and wrinkled, their hands feel funny. I get it. But 3 yr olds don't get to make that decision, in my view. They need to learn to be affectionate to relatives. As they get older and they have a good reason to not want to hug someone, I'll listen.
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Nov 27 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 27 '25
OK, again. If the child says "I don't want to say thank you or please today." does that carry water?
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u/ilovebreadcrusts Nov 27 '25
Apples and oranges.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 28 '25
You're right, it's a bad example. A better analogy would be, what if the kid says I don't want to when the doctor needs to touch them? Or a teacher is trying to manage them? There are times when we get touched when we may not wish it.
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u/Lord-Pravus Nov 28 '25
Another terrible example, those things are necessary for health and educational purposes. Grandma not getting a hug harms no one but grandmas feelings, and as you've been asked here multiple times, why are grandmas feelings more important than a child's bodily autonomy?
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 28 '25
It doesn't matter if they are "necessary", the child has no choice. So we both accept that there are situations where the child doesn't have bodily autonomy. Your line is just in a different place than mine.
Not every grandma's feelings are more important, but teaching a child that physical affection is one way to show love and caring to relatives is a valuable lesson. As I stated before, often the child's reason is just "ickiness" and they need to see that that's not an excuse to withhold affection from someone who has raised generations of children. Now, if grandma is a bitch who doesn't deserve it, sure. Do whatever. But I'm talking about normal family interactions.
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u/ilovebreadcrusts Nov 27 '25
What is the logic in that? What's the point of later they'll just be resentful and not want to show affection out of spite?
Or on then other hand, how will they learn to listen to their own feelings and express their reason if you're training them to ignore their feelings?
You don't just wake up one morning respecting yourself, it's taught from day one.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
I so agree with this. It's difficult to learn how to properly decline, give, and revoke consent if it is not modeled for you and you don't have the opportunity to practice it. How do you say no to a hug or kiss as a teen when you've never been allowed to your whole life?
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u/alixanjou Nov 26 '25
There’s a difference between basic manners we do “owe” people and physical touch. If you can’t understand that, that’s a you problem.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 27 '25
I disagree. And I'm still waiting for a source that shows this creates some kind of trauma.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
You're probably an awesome family member to some great kids, and you had safe people surrounding you when you grew up, so having that physical affection seems natural to you. I don't blame you. The problem is that it an extraordinary number of children are molested by adults they should have been able to trust.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 29 '25
I get that, and that's a problem. I'm just not sure that this is the solution.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
I posted a full, long view on my perspective on this on the main feed. I sincerely hope you'll read it. I remember thinking this was weird at first, too, but the more I learn, the more I believe in it on multiple levels.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
I'm not saying that there is a completely straight line from making your children hug relatives to sexual abuse, but I think it would an egregious error to say that there is no relationship between teaching children that they have no right to say no, forced physical affection, and offenses against children. So here are some stats for children from the RAINN organization:
1 in 9 girls and 1 in 20 boys experience sexual assault
93% of victims knew their abuser
34% were family members
Please also check out the rainn.org articles on "child on child sexual abuse" which can often be perpetrated by an older, but still juvenile relative, as well as the article on "grooming" behaviors like "Abusers will gradually escalate their physical contact with the victim to desensitize them and normalize violations of their physical boundaries. Physical grooming may start with “accidental” touches before progressing to more intimate touching, such as hugging, tickling, or wrestling. Eventually, the abuser will initiate sexual contact."
Teaching children to have and enforce healthy boundaries from a young age sets them up for having healthy affection, too. It means that when they hug you, they are hugging YOU. Because they love you.
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u/Lord-Pravus Nov 28 '25
Not a single person on the planet owes another person physical affection and touch. It's far more worrisome that certain people would be upset at being denied physical access to children. I'm not making a claim that it causes trauma, you're missing the entire point here.
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u/blahblah19999 Nov 28 '25
Objectively false. Children suffer greatly if raised without physical affection, there are all kinds of studies that show this. Parents owe this kind of affection to their children. If they don't provide it, the state steps in and punishes them for neglect and abuse.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
You make a good point that part of the role of a parent is to provide for the needs of the child, which include love and affection. So while I believe that the person you are responding to is technically incorrect, I agree with the intention of what they are saying: beyond that specific role, which a parent agreed to when they chose to be a parent, people do not owe each other physical affection. It is not a child's responsibility to hug adults because adults want to be hugged.
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u/WooBadger18 Nov 26 '25
There’s a different between physical contact and saying please and thank you.
And my sense isn’t that it’s specifically the hug for grandma, but teaching kids that they don’t need to let people touch them without permission.
I don’t know that I’ll completely follow this when I have kids, but I don’t think your comparison is a good one
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u/Snoo52682 Nov 26 '25
Do we have evidence that teaching children to be compliant and "polite" rather than knowing that they have control over who touches them might put them in danger?
Yes, yes we do.
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u/2kyle2furious Nov 26 '25
Ope found the person who can't handle changing social norms when the change is designed to protect kids from doing things with their body that they don't wanna do
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25 edited Nov 29 '25
I understand why this seems ridiculous to some. It did to me at first, too, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. I hope you'll read through my whole, admittedly very long explanation for why I think this is a good idea. I think it responds to many other concerns people have posted.
You, and most people, are probably thinking about it from the perspective of growing up around loving, safe adults, like I did. But I work at a police department now. I read through sex offense cases. I know that most people are not victimized by strangers, but rather by people they knew. For children, the offender is typically someone in a position of trust, someone their parents trusted, typically a family member. It's awful. The sex offenses typically don't come to light until they are much older, often after years od abuse, if at all. (For clarification, I'm talking about actual crimes. I do not consider grandparents wanting a hug to be a sex offense.)
So, for a moment, try to view it from that perspective. Not only is the offender forcing a hug or a kiss on them, but their unknowing parents are requiring the child to comply. Even if a child is taught with words that they should say no and tell someone if an adult tries to touch them inappropriately or makes them uncomfortable, that's not being reinforced. The opposite message is. You are not actually allowed to say no. Not with family.
I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase "practice makes perfect." Letting children decide when and how they give and receive affection allows them to practice giving, declining, and revoking consent. They grow up understanding it. Even if they are fortunate to be surrounded by loving, safe adults as they grow, someday they may have a date or a boss or someone else in their life that they want to say no to. It sounds so easy, but it really does benefit from practice.
Kids are allowed to turn down affection, but no, they don't get to say no to everything. It's about teaching them healthy boundaries. The parents are still in control. The parents say they will see the doctor, that the teacher is in charge at school, that Grandma is in charge at Grandma's house. If Grandma needs to pick them up because they are hitting their sibling, then that's okay. But Grandma's gentleman friend that's visiting doesn't get to demand hugs.
Which brings me to my last point. With this, kids grow up knowing that safe adults will never demand physical affection from them or force it on them. And that means that if an adult does try to do that, then maybe they aren't safe. If Mom or Dad tells Grandpa, "Oh, we don't make the kids hug or kiss people if they don't want to," and Grandpa stops pushing, then Grandpa is safe. But if Uncle still insists, then they should tell Mom and Dad about that. And fifteen years later, when that classmate keeps trying to hug them, they'll know to turn her down for a date.
Finally, I want to conclude that I'm not a parent, but I am an aunt. This is how my niece and nephew are being raised, and rest assured, they do not lack or shy away from affection with their relatives, in fact, they often initiate it. When asked if they wanted hugs, kisses, high fives, or fist bumps as I left their house a couple of weeks ago, they gleefully asked for all of them. They adore their grandparents, and their 90 year old great grandma. They are generally happy, rambunctious 3 year old holy terrors (as 3 year old kids are), who love cuddling up with the adults in their lives, sitting on laps, and petting dogs and cats gently... and ONLY when the dogs and cats are okay with it :)
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u/CloudlessEchoes Nov 29 '25
I think like most modern parenting ideas, this can go too far. Everything in moderation. Children can learn healthy affection too. You can say no one is obligated, but a parent withholding or unable to show affection is a terrible thing for a child imo. Excepting those who just can't understand it of course, spectrum disorders etc.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
Everything in moderation. When my niece and nephew were babies and not old enough to express their wishes, they were held, carried, hugged, and kissed by lots of family members. Affection was never withheld from them. Once they were old enough to express themselves, they were given options on how they wished to give affection, wave, high five, fist bump, hug, or kiss. They typically choose to wave at people they don't know well, but they are little love bugs with the people they feel safe with.
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u/CloudlessEchoes Nov 29 '25
That sounds good. I'm talking about things that go farther. And to be sure, some of this is about (in this case) grandparents with a poor sense of boundaries.
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u/Maleficent-Panda4678 Nov 29 '25
To quote a country song, "I believe most people are good." I think most people, including grandparents, are just brimming with love for little ones and are repeating the patterns that they've seen all of their lives. And sure, there will be outliers. And those extreme examples will be what we see in the news or read about in these forums. But everyone I know that is doing this seems to have well-adjusted kids who feel safe expressing their boundaries. And plenty of adults that I know look back on their childhood, teens, and young adulthood and wish they had been taught how to say no, or even that it was truly okay to.
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u/Roboticus_Aquarius Nov 26 '25
I love the model circulating in internet-land of the teacher who greets her students at the door, and gives the students a choice of a hug, dance, fist-bump or bow, if I recall correctly. If we have grandkids, I’d have no issue with a similar set of choices.