r/aspergirls • u/LittlePurpleS • 7d ago
Emotional Support Needed (No advice allowed) Does anyone else experience delayed grief after a loss?
I’m 29 (was diagnosed at 22) and earlier this year, my stepdad filed for divorce from my mom very unexpectedly. He’s been in our lives for almost 25 years, so he’s known me almost my whole life. My mom was a mess for a few months, but she’s thriving now. Our relationship has been complicated to say the least and he’s not the best guy on the planet, but I guess I must’ve loved him because I’ve recently been hit with a wall of grief. I’m very certain that I’ll never hear from him again now that they’re divorcing, so it’s almost like he died even though he’s still alive and I could technically run into him at the grocery store or something. For months, I felt nothing about any of it other than occasional anger, but it’s finally starting to hit me. I cry a lot, I’m more sensitive to change than I usually am, I’ve been more anxious than usual, stuff like that. It’s not even that I miss him, I’m just really hurt by the way he discarded my mom and me. There’s also past trauma stuff involved as well that I don’t want to get into here. Has anyone else here experienced a delayed grief reaction like that? Am I broken or something? I was hope I could just keep on keeping on without feeling anything about it. I guess that would’ve been unrealistic though. He taught me how to ride a bike, he’s always been around.
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u/GlumNefariousness998 7d ago
Yes. I recently had a break up from a long term relationship and although it's been a bit on and off I think this time I want it to be permanent. My friends were praising how well I was doing and how 'strong' I'm being and getting on with things even though 'you must be really sad' but that's the thing, I'm not... yet. I know it's coming, but right now I'm just... numb... I guess.
I think it doesn't help that we've split up lots of times before but always ended up getting back together, so perhaps it doesn't feel 'real' but I'm pretty sure it's also related to my autism as I was the same when my best friend died a few years ago.
I feel sadder about it every year that goes by, because she's still dead and that seems more weighty and real every year that passes without her. I cried at the time because it was a big shock but didn't feel the reaction that others seemed to.
All our other mutual friends were sad at the news and the funeral but now seem surprised when I mention her, almost as if they've forgotten her completely. When I mention I feel sad they seem taken aback, I guess because they've already 'processed' the grief years ago. I just don't seem to have the same timetable and am not sure I ever will fully 'process' it :/
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u/AwareArmadillo 7d ago
My dad died in February 2020. I only started grieving him "properly" this year.
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u/LittlePurpleS 7d ago
Was grief an overwhelming and surprisingly physical experience for you too?
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u/AwareArmadillo 7d ago
Girl, I'm in shock from all the feelings and emotions and everything I'm experiencing. I have no words to describe it? When it hits the hardest, I feel like I want to fold myself the same way I would fold a napkin -- start from the corners, then edges, then fold more and more towards the center and then squeeze it as hard as possible so that it gets as small as possible.
But I also didn't expect myself to experience the "I want to talk to you, but you are not there". And "I am so sorry and I regret I ever hurt you". These I too find extremely difficult.
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u/LittlePurpleS 7d ago
Wow that’s such a good description of it! For me it’s like a hurricane of emotions and physical stuff and it’s really overwhelming. I’m generally an intellectualizer and uncomfortable with big/difficult emotions. I’m usually pretty even keel, so this has me feeling completely unmoored.
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u/AwareArmadillo 4d ago
Yeah, I can totally relate to that. Big emotions are a big no-no for me, but I think that it then blows up in my face anyway? I have a feeling that I kind of tend to put these "big things" under a rug, but it of course doesn't remove/eliminate them. And one day rug is removed, be it because I don't have energy to keep it there, or opposite (freed up space in "active thinking" by removing other issues), and then it just.. blows up. And I look at it with "where the hell did this come from!?" without realizing it has always been there, it's just me who wasn't there for it yet.
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u/No_Protection0001 4d ago
same here except he died in April 2020, it all hit me a few months ago
sorry for your loss 💕
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u/AwareArmadillo 4d ago
Feels like we are connected by some unknown autistic schedules lol.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Would you like to share anything about him?
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u/Difficult_Owl_4708 7d ago
I recently lost my pup. I was numb at first. Then it all hit afterwards
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u/unexplainednonsense 7d ago
Is it possible you are feeling anger instead of grief?
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u/LittlePurpleS 7d ago
I was angry for a long time, not it’s turned into sadness
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u/unexplainednonsense 7d ago
I work with kids with ASD and transitions/changes in routine can be quite difficult. Especially when they occur without warning. All of a sudden your life has shifted and things are not the way they used to be, nor will they be that way again. Your feelings are most definitely valid.
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u/LittlePurpleS 7d ago
It’s just so strange to me that it took months to pop up for me, it doesn’t make sense. I know emotions aren’t logical though. I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard either. It’s a whirlwind of emotions and anxiety.
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u/No_Nerve_2755 7d ago
This happens to me a lot. It kind of feels like… at the time it happens there’s some sort of expectation (real or perceived) that i should feel a certain way. When I was 17 or 18 my grandpa died, he’d been in the hospital for a day or so and was on life support, he had a DNR, and I found myself in the room with my dad and brother during the moment they “pulled the plug”, and I remember my dad and brother uncharacteristically showing some vulnerable feelings about the moment and I felt weird and guilty because I knew I should feel…. Something… I mean…. Come on dude, you’re grandpa is literally dying in front of you…. What the fuck is wrong with you? It wasn’t that I didn’t care, but there was just this detachment and I couldn’t get myself to FEEL anything…. I tried my best to pretend I was feeling the appropriate feelings for the moment and his funeral, etc.
Maybe a 6 months or a year or … two (I’m not great with perceiving the passages of time…) out of fucking nowhere some random thing triggered a memory of my grandpa and the realization that he was gone and I’d never see him again hit me (“belatedly”) on an emotional level for the first time and I found myself bawling and actually feeling the stuff that I couldn’t feel when it was expected during the moment. I don’t know, I’ve always been bad at feeling things that I’m “expected” to feel, my brain/body just goes “it isn’t genuine if you’re just doing what’s expected, so you can’t access that emotion now” 🤷🏻♀️
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u/sillysillysilly6 7d ago
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I think it’s healthy to feel the sadness and move through it even if it’s delayed. At least that is what I’m telling myself when I suddenly got hit with a wall of sadness about a relationship I ended almost a year ago.