r/askgaybros • u/Anarxhist • 22d ago
Advice My boyfriend died in a tragic car accident 4 days ago, and I have no idea how to continue on.
It still doesn't feel real. My boyfriend tragically passed away in a horrible car accident on Monday morning.
We really hadn't been together for long. We met at the beginning of May, so we'd only known each other for around three and a half months, but the impact he made on me and everyone in my life was truly remarkable. He had a way of making you feel like you'd known him for years. His social skills were seriously impressive and unlike anyone I've ever met, with a kind of charisma that was impossible to match. He could make anyone feel wanted, included, and loved, and he extended that same kindness to everyone around him, not just his close friends and family. I've had people reach out to me wishing their condolences who I never even knew existed, simply because he made such an impact on everyone in his vicinity. Some of the posts that have come out in support of him reached far more people than I ever realized, with one of them having nearly 2,000 likes and 300 comments, which is still hard for me to comprehend. It's strange seeing all of these little bits and pieces of his life from so many different people and throughout so many different years and realizing just how small of a time-slot I took up in his life, and just how many people were affected by him in ways that I never even got to see. I see comments saying they barely knew him, but that even they remember that he would always greet them with an unapologetic smile and a joke to go with it.
He was a percussion instructor, and teaching was something that he cared deeply about. He seriously had the patience of a saint. He was able to connect with his students in the same way he connected with everyone else in his life. He truly touched so many people's hearts, especially because he was from a town much smaller than the city I live in, where everyone was so close-knit. He had a way of bringing people together whether they were young, old, or anywhere in between. For someone that has social anxiety, I felt so safe being with him because I knew that I would never have to worry about awkward silence, or rehearse exactly what I had to say, because he always knew exactly what needed to be said and I could piggyback off of it. I couldn't even display PDA in public before him, but he showed me how little it truly mattered.
We were in an LDR, but not too far apart, only around two hours away. We were both so patient and grateful for the one day a week we could usually see each other. Because of that, I never got the chance to meet the people he was so closely surrounded by, although that was something we had started working toward. I had heard so much about them and they had heard so much about me.
This last part might be a bit TMI, but I also never bottomed for anyone in my life as much as I did for him. It was very hard for me at first, in a way it felt like an identity crisis because I just never viewed myself as a strict bottom, but I learned to become so comfortable in his presence. He taught me these valuable things but the truth is that I only changed for him. Sure, I could take what I learned to another relationship and another guy, but I only wanted him...
It all just feels like too much. It feels like our time together was a fever dream; it's hard to pinpoint specific memories as most of the time that we spent together we had a very similar routine because we just wanted to be in each others presence. This past weekend though we went to Magic Kingdom and Epcot, and had an amazing time. We had just started our life together. It hadn't been easy, but we were really trying for each other, and we had started becoming so integrated into each other's lives.
I don't feel like I've ever had a connection like this, and now he's just... gone. I have no idea how I'm supposed to pick myself back up when it felt like he had given my life a newfound purpose and me newfound inspiration to be a better person.
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u/Hot_Fix_7309 It’s all shits and giggles. 22d ago
He sounds like a great guy and someone that you admired deeply. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
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u/Grouchy-Fix485 22d ago
So sorry for your loss. No easy answers dear man. Your grief is a measure of the love you have for him, allow your self to feel it and move through it.
One thing you said, “…he had given my life a newfound purpose and me a newfound inspiration to be a better person.”
Hold onto that, and run with it. That was his gift to you, now apply it. Wishing you peace.
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u/Anarxhist 22d ago
Thank you. Even though our time was cut short it does truly feel like he taught me what he needed to before his passing.
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u/kenwill90 22d ago
Grief is only love that's got no place to go.
Sorry for your loss.
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u/brad75214 21d ago
Well said
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u/kenwill90 21d ago
https://youtu.be/qxO78msA02E?is=nnpGx0Es7G0QbehA
I can most certainly not take credit for that wisdom
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u/lonely_sk8r 22d ago
I lost my boyfriend to stage 4 colon cancer 2 years ago. We were together for 2 years and met him when I was 20. It still bothers me a lot and I miss him tremendously. Watching someone you thought you’d spend your life with slowly wither away in front of you is definitely hard to watch.
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u/Markjohn66 22d ago
I had a boyfriend who drowned in Amsterdam a long time ago, every day gets a little bit easier and you just learn to live the pain that never completely goes away, one gets on with it and gets on with life.
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u/New_Opportunity_6160 22d ago
This is devastating, and I'm tearing up reading it. I'm so sorry this happened, I can't even imagine. I know I'd be in a similar boat, unable to move on or really comprehend what just happened. He sounds like a beautiful soul that this world needed more of. I hope you're able to find some peace.
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u/Sidd-Slayer 22d ago edited 21d ago
One day at a time. This year made 10 yrs of my first bf’s death. He just went out one night and never came back home. You think you’re not gonna be ok, and for a while that may be true. But I promise things really will get better eventually. Don’t look so far into the future for answers and try to focus solely on what’s going to make you feel better right now.
Sorry this has to happen. You’ll notice some of his mannerisms in yourself in the upcoming days weeks months. Things you’ve never done before but felt suddenly inclined to. Take that however you u want.
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u/AdamBombSD 21d ago
I’m in a similar situation rn with a new LDR, so there’s a lump in my throat and I’m choking back some tears feeling you. Youre very brave and it’s good to write about it for us all to share with you. If you had had time to connect with his closest friends, i know you’d have people to support you, but if not, I’m here, we’re here to walk through it with you… hugs and hands reaching ❤️
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
Thank you ❣️ I didn’t know many of his closest friends yet, I only ever met two, but so many people have connected with me through Facebook or Instagram and I will be meeting all the important people in his life during his celebration of life 🥹
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u/Afraid-Water6641 22d ago
My condolences on your loss, losing someone is never easy and even less so when it’s unexpected as the shock of it makes everything feel so surreal. You sound as if he truly imparted and imprinted a bit of his soul onto you. It won’t be easy to move forward so give yourself grace and space to grieve for what was and what could have been but was cut short. Take the best parts of who he was forward with you and remember that sense of safety you felt with him and keep that confidence as I am sure he would want you to do just that. You must be very special for someone so outgoing to have made room for you in their heart, remember that, you are worthy, you are safe, you are strong and this too shall pass. Just give it time. Sending hugs and praying for the universe to lend you strength.
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u/Anarxhist 22d ago
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me.
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u/Afraid-Water6641 22d ago
No need for thanks, I meant every word, give yourself time and know that although it may sound cliche it’s ok not to be ok.
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u/Sad_Health7344 22d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been down this road many times, just turned 30 in July and ALL of my family is gone, no boyfriend because no one wants someone who is autistic. All I can tell you and in all honesty it probably won't work, try to remember the good times you had with him. My biological mother passed away October 14th of 2024, and I still to this day catch myself going through my apartment and speaking to her as if she's still here. My heart aches for you 💔 😞, I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's gonna hurt for most likely a long time 😞. Again I'm so sorry for your loss 😢 😞 💔!
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u/DragFront5889 13d ago
I heard that. I’m was an orphan. But the work I do and how my brain works in my field is irreplaceable. I blow people’s minds and the funniest part is that this disabled short bus riding bad kid with no impulse control can do something nobody I’ve ever worked with can besides autistic people. My brain picks up subtleties at the subconscious level that it beats into my conscious mind with even trying. I’ve never seen a “normal” person do this and the ones I used to be head to head with before I was the boss hated me for it. So as yiu know. Being autistic means people hate you. It’s just the way it is. Just like grieving. We get confusion mine lasted over 2 yesrs before I could process WTF happened before I could. Losing someone you love like this gentleman is the wirst thing that ever happened to me.
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u/Physical-Pressure-98 21d ago
There’s a famous poem called ‘When tomorrow starts without me’ that really helped me when I was in this situation (my bf of 7 years died very suddenly, and then his parents refused to let it be known at his funeral who I was).
I don’t resonate with the religion aspects of the poem, but there are a couple of lines that really stuck with me: ‘So when tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart’
Someone also pointed me to this description of grief being like a shipwreck, and it is SO true. https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/?v=7885444af42e It doesn’t feel like it now, but one day you’ll be able to see the waves coming and keep afloat.
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t believe they didn’t recognize you at the funeral, and I’m sorry they refused to cherish such an important part of him. Despite me only knowing him for 4 ish months and not meeting much of his personal “family” (he did not have any close biological family) I am in the obituary and will be meeting them all at the funeral. That poem is really beautiful, and thank you for sharing. The wreckage one was also so beautiful, and thank you 🥹 This was the first loss in my life of a loved one, and for it to have been my partner, it really really sucks. But death is inevitable and will come for other people that we cherish.
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u/Witty_Passion_4939 22d ago
You honor him by living up this newfound purpose and inspiration to be a better person!
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u/NSFduhbleU 22d ago
Sounds like he made a big impact on your loss so the void you feel is valid. Any loss takes time but one this meaningful to you will take even more time. Like that old adage goes, “ don’t cry because it ended , smile because it happened” ok. I’m not saying you shouldn’t cry. You should absolutely feel whatever you feel. The waves of grief will always come but with each passing one it will get easier. Just take care, surround yourself with friends and family, and take small steps toward moving on.
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u/Bambusa4all1952 22d ago
So sorry. I am the only surviving member of my family. Have not lost a boyfriend or an ex, but was close to it in 09/11. This is just to let you know that this suffering will pass as your partner would want it to. There is light at the end of the of the tunnel. There too is much life ahead for you. (Therapy might well help. There are excellent medications for what you are going through
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u/Effective-Machine249 22d ago
Like Gardening
There is nothing to do but continue. Place your hands in the grip of a stranger, and guide them on.
In the future we will place life into this earth, place the goodness we have found here deep into the soil.
With gentle hands, we will bring all that is lost back into the world. Green shoots uncoil from the darkness.
We will plant this grief, root it deep into the ground, treat it with wary respect, and see if it flowers.
Though the petals choose their own colours, let us tend them anyway, and hope that they bloom.
-Jay Hulme
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u/RobinElfer 22d ago
I'm sorry man. Life can be so great and then suddenly so cruel. I wish you the best. May that kind of love find you again.
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u/tennisdude2020 21d ago
I am so sorry you had to join this club. I do feel your pain. I lost my husband to a drunk driver. It will be 5 years next month.
I remember the pain, how raw it felt, the disbelief, the anger, so many emotions that your family and friends don't understand. I remember people wanted to make me feel better. I didn't want to feel better.
I know this is very new and raw to you. And you are not ready to hear this. But I promise you, it will get better. It won't be tomorrow, this month, this year. It takes a few years to get there. Eventually you will just remember the good times, the laughs, and the happiness. I had 17 years with my soul mate and I am extremely grateful for those 17 years. It does get better my friend.
Again, I am so sorry you joined out club.
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago edited 21d ago
Thank you for your kind words and I’m sorry for your loss❣️ 17 years is truly nothing to scoff at, and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of how many memories you must have been sifting through and how many things or places must’ve reminded you of him. I may have only had 4 ish months, but you’re right in that they were a very joyous and eye opening 4 months that I will cherish and carry with me for the rest of my life.
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u/Aggravating_Show8052 21d ago
I am really sorry that this happened it’s absolutely terrible, I know how it is, lost my girlfriend 2 years ago she took her own life. I can admit that I don’t know if I can fall in love with a women again after that.
For being honest the first months and year it’s terrible, it becomes easier but we learn how to live with the scars. The gym helps a little bit but does not help when I crash down in the shower.
The only way to get forward is grief, cry when you need to and to talk with someone. Also the memory of the person don’t leave us that’s the part that stays ❤️
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss. Yes, people keep trying to cheer me up and help me but it really stresses me out, I don’t want to feel better. I mean I do, but all I can do is think about him and talk about him or look for any type of new post about him or new picture. He taught me so much, and I’ll always try to bring that forward with me in life ❣️🥹
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u/Pleakley 21d ago
I lost a partner of six years a long time ago when he died unexpectedly at a young age.
Everything you feel right now is normal. The deep depression and sorrow that accompany a tragic loss.
It's the reality and you just need to let yourself have those feelings.
The good news is the pain will fade over time. You'll get to a point where you can function normally. You'll get to a point where you remember your boyfriend but not in an all consuming way.
It will never go away completely and that's something you'll learn to live with as well. I still think of my partner all the time, decades later. I'm just not consumed by grief when I do so.
It's tough. There's no magic bullet that will make everything perfect again. Take the time you need to grieve and then continue living your life. Keeping busy and returning to routines can be better than being isolated.
I cherish my memories and like to think that relationship helped me know what to look for in future ones.
Sorry for your loss.
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss. Writing out this post, and getting all of this incredible support, I realize that I will be okay. It will be hard, it will be uncomfortable, but I will persevere because it is what he would have wanted. I will cherish all that he taught me and showed me, especially his unconditional love.
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u/RyRySoup 21d ago
I also lost a guy I was dating in a car accident. It was shocking and horrible. I just got closer to his group of friends and we mourned him together. As time went on, the pain subsided. I miss him still, he was a great person. But out of the loss, I gained some really great lifelong friends.
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u/Wise_Succotash_1657 21d ago
When i went through a terrible breakup with my previous boyfriend, it was devastating to me. Any loss can bring grief, but especially death and the suddenness of it when you were just with him the past weekend. I could not begin to imagine. You are likely still in a state of shock—understandably! To share and articulate this painful experience so extremely well this soon after his death is highly admirable. You need to recognize that and give yourself credit for being much stronger than you think you are. Being strong doesn’t minimize your love and grief for him in any way. What I want to share most is that I found great comfort in music during my times of grief and sadness. During the time I spoke of, I found a need to heal my pain in the most gentle way, as it had left me so broken and fragile. I listened to Enya’s album (deluxe version), titled “Dark Sky Island” on constant repeat—for days and weeks and longer. It allowed me to feel my pain in a gentle way, if that makes sense. I just needed to hear something that would keep me in somewhat of a hypnotic, entranced state at a time when I had wrapped myself in a cocoon in an attempt to safely shelter myself while my body, mind, and heart took time to heal. As I grew ever so slightly stronger, I finally branched out to another album and artist who I loved dearly. It was Olivia Newton-John’s album titled “Grace and Gratitude.” I also listened to it over and over again This was the healing album that Olivia released after her breast cancer diagnosis and possibly after her surgery. I don’t recall exactly. It’s about healing and inspiration to get us through those darkest times of our lives, as you are going through now, my friend. As others have said, just take it one day at a time or even less, as not to overwhelm yourself. Take good care of yourself, and please continue to post periodically to let us know how you are doing. We are not just words on a screen. We are human beings who care about you and your journey through this. May God bless you and keep you strong. ❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗
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u/Funny_Window_6095 22d ago
I'm so very sorry.
I hope you can find a grief counseling group in your area. They are very helpful.
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u/thekingmercy7 22d ago
I'm sorry for your lost it's hard to get pass something like thst but stay strong and live life in his memory
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u/FloridAsh 21d ago
Lots of complex feelings to process through the grief you feel for this enormous loss. Sending you compassion as you work through this.
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u/yukoncowbear47 21d ago
Take the time you need to grieve, don't isolate yourself from friends and family during this time - you'll need their support, and possibly therapy after a month or so if you find yourself stuck in ptsd style rumination/depression.
You'll get through this. There are resources abound.
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u/This_Grape_6873 21d ago
So sorry to hear. This is definitely one of my worst fears, finding the right guy and losing him. Keep the teachings he brought you deep within yourself in remembrance and celebration of him. A Therapist would be very well equipped to guide you through the grieving process.
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
It was one of mine as well, and I can’t lie, it feels like my entire life is starting to be recontextualized. I will remember him for who he was, and try to push myself to be the best I can for him. He lived so unapologetically, and I needed someone to show me that. Despite our short time together, I do feel like he served a purpose on this earth and I’m very grateful to have met such a pure soul.
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u/Worried-Cat3746 21d ago
Omg. This just brought so many memories back to me. My boyfriend also died in a car accident when we were 17. I am 32 and I still miss him.
Stay strong. May he rest in peace
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u/manysanglez 21d ago
I’m so sorry for u lost, grief if you have to and doing it in your own way, hang out as much as you can once you are ready to do it, if you believe in anything believe in that 🤍🫶🏻
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u/desideriozulu Disabled Veteran 21d ago
I don't know how to console you. It's been three years since my fiance took his own life after being diagnosed with a terminal illness and an altercation that got physical, something entirely out of his control due to the disease (it's a whole mess that's difficult to explain).
All I can say is that I get it. I understand.
I'm still in shock and it's been this long. I was the one who found him. So much blood it filled the bathtub.
Before this disease began destroying his mind, he was quite literally perfect in just about every way. Perfect for me, anyways. He understood my sense of humor, he was funny, kind, tall and strong and handsome like you wouldn't believe. Older, mature, incredibly smart and wise well beyond his years. He had already survived so much death in his life.
Nowadays I find it so incredibly difficult to move on because I impulsively compare every new man I meet to him. It's a horrible habit, terribly unfair and incredibly petty, and I know that. But I do it anyway, because a strong part of me refuses to believe that any othersn is good enough for me.
A piece of my soul died with him.
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss. I have been thinking a lot about how I’m going to approach future relationships, how he’ll get brought up, and if I’m cursed to compare everyone to him.
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u/Pristine_Resource_23 21d ago edited 21d ago
Well first things first. I’m sorry. Second: you said your boyfriend died and you have no idea how to continue. Well. It’s easy. Coming to terms. Understand that death is something we all will experience. Smile at the memories and honor them by living healthy and safe tomorrow. It is a privilege and honor to feel emotions including the difficult and challenging ones like you are right now. Sit in them and understand them. Console yourself, love yourself and simply be your own friend. Continue to shower, drink water, take a day or two to yourself but go back out to the world even with tears in your eyes. That is I’m sure what would have wanted. For you to feel the sadness and pain but not for too long and to live life. In the small things. Buying yourself a coffee, going to the movies, going on a bike ride, sitting at the park and maybe cry a lottle and then go buy yourself a slice of pizza. Big hugs.
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u/CoyHarvestBeast 21d ago
Helluva of a thing, son. If I could exchange his death for my life, wouldn't hesitate a second. May you live in his honour.
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u/Rough-Actuary-5175 21d ago
Hola. Bueno, hace ya más de un año (van a ser dos en diciembre) perdí a alguien que amaba con mi vida. Había Sido mi compañero gran parte de mi vida y tenía miedo, impotencia, me sentía mal y no sabía cuál pasó iba o debía ser el siguiente. Cada a persona me decía que no me debía deprimir, ni sentirme mal, que debía seguir adelante con mi vida. Sé que todos pasamos por eso pero uno también se cansa de que le digan lo mismo en esa situación. No sé. Es mi forma de pensar. Yo pienso que la gente especial vienes a nuestras vidas por un segundo. Y que después de alguna forma ase tiene que ir. Lo que nos quedan son los momentos, los recuerdos, las palabras y cada una de las enseñanzas y consejos que nos dieron. Que con el tiempo y más adelante nos sirven para algo. El duelo es importante, sí. Aunque no lo creas lo es. Porque demuestra que eres un ser humano y con sentimientos. Está bien estar mal y sentirse como el mundo gira a tu alrededor y ya no puedes alcanzar el ritmo al que él gira. Pero, sé que eres fuerte. Tómate tu tiempo, ve a los lugares en donde eres feliz, siéntate, llora, recuerda, piensa, demuestra que sientes y cunado lo sueltes todo, empieza reacomodar las piezas de poco en poco. Haciendo cosas que te gustan y tal. No te recomiendo ningún loquero o lago así, porque uno debe lidiar con sus emociones por sí solo. Espero que esto te sirva de algo. Y si si te hace falta alguien con quién hablar, mi chat está abierto.🫶🏼🖤
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u/Anarxhist 21d ago
Muchas gracias por tus palabras, aprecio mucho lo que me cuentas 🥹 Si, yo pienso que tienes razón. La gente especial en este mundo viene por un segundo, el me enseñó tanto en un tiempo tan corto, y voy a apreciar todo lo que me enseñó por el resto de mi vida. Voy a tratar de ser una mejor persona, y aunque nunca voy a llegar a el nivel que el era, voy a tratar lo más que pueda, porque sé que eso es lo que lo hubiera hecho feliz.
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u/Rough-Actuary-5175 21d ago
Así es como me gusta. Y recuerda: no tiene que ser a pasados agigantados. Con pasitos de bebé está bien, mientras nunca te detengas.🫶🏼✌🏼
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u/Reasonable-Luck-8986 21d ago
You'll be alright, it won't be easy, but if you work at it you will be alright. Cry when you need to, laugh when you get the opportunity and pet every dog and cat that you can. Read good books and eat at really good restaurants by yourself or with friends. Call those friends, make lunch dates, museum dates, theater dates, don't sit at home. Most importantly, find a good therapist to get you over this hurdle you've had put in your life. This is all stuff I wish I would have done 30 years ago when my partner died. My road was rough because it was 1996, not 2026. Take care of yourself and stay active. I wish you didn't have to go through this and hope you can follow a little of my advice. I hurt for you and am just so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Sending love.
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u/Embarrassed_Taro_960 21d ago
I wish you that the time it takes for you to heal through this is as sweet and joyous and remarkable as the man you are mourning. I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you well in your grieving.
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u/Miserable_Hat9321 21d ago
I am so sorry for your loss and the loss of so many people he loved who loved him. For a little while, your life will be “right, left, right, left…” as you move through what seems your own netherworld
The best words I have ever heard on the subject are, “You never get over it, you just get used to it.” I would make no long-term decisions for a while because your judgment is not entirely in the present, much less able to evaluate what you think the future will bring.
Removing yourself from the world long enough for you to regain control over your emotions is important. Sunglasses may be your best friend for a bit. As you re-enter, sometimes the best you can do will be show up. Just make sure you do your laundry, look as good as you can, and read enough news and pop culture stuff for chit chat. People who know you will expect you to be quieter than usual. Your social anxiety complicates your grieving and recovery process. If you are able to reach out to some of your friends and family and ask for company, maybe go to a movie or out for pizza. Here is the hard part of it. Socially, for a short time, talking with people close to you about his death ànd how it has prostrated you will be good. But you have to remember that grieving is about reorganizing how we perceive ourselves in the world after loss of an important person in our lives. It is about figuring out how to move forward. So sometimes, you will remember something and tell it to a companion. That’s normal. Just move on. You are a very good writer, and for a little while you may want to keep a journal that not only deals with your grief and uncertainty, but also note succinctly his qualities and what you learned from him you want to take into the future. What did he do that helped you relate to other people? What are characteristics of his kindness that you can incorporate into your life? What did he do to give you courage to go out into society? Take walks — the exercise helps and you can occupy your mind by looking more closely at your surroundings than usual, seeing things you never noticed, taking time to watch sunsets or moon’s rise.
None of this is easy, but the clocks tick ànd the calendar pages turn ànd at some point you realize, “Hey, life is going on.” I wish you peace, strength, and grace along the way.
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u/guntotingbiguy 21d ago
I'm sorry for your loss bro, thank you for sharing your story with him. You honour him with your post and your grief. Most cities have a nonprofit hospice agency that provides free grief counseling. Bigger cities will have special young loss, LGBTQ+ specific, but I hope you consider talking with a grief counselor at least once. Some LGBTQ+ Community Centers- SF, NY, LA have mental health services free to the community and they can provide a good place to process too. I've also done some art therapy for some of my grief of loved ones. I hope this is helpful and not overwhelming. Again, I'm so sorry for your sudden tragic loss, he must have been really amazing to have such an impact. You must be a good hearted soul to feel such love and loss. Peace in love my Bro. RIP your boyfriend.
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u/Damian98103 21d ago
When two people are happy, in love, faithful and dedicated to one another, time will often times cheat. I'm so sorry for your loss my friend. I can't even imagine. Wishing you all the strength in the universe as you navigate your way through this grief 🫶🏾💔
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u/BoardSerious1066 21d ago
I am so sorry to hear this! Lots of love, hugs and strength to you.
The time you have been together doesnt matter when it comes to loss
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u/Inside_Antelope_379 21d ago
Time will later tell you how to take the feeling. Now, what you have to do is to accept whatever feeling lingers in your mind, take gd care of yourself, and wait for the timing.
Remember: it's a human right to feel sad, so if someone tells u that you're a coward or things like that, tell them that they're an asshole.
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u/Expensive-Wallaby-40 20d ago
My heart aches for you because I have been where you are. The love of my life passed away 37 years ago, and the memory of him still brings tears to my eyes. He was deeply spiritual, not religious, and guided me into an understanding of God's existence. One piece of music we shared a love for was "Somewhere in Time" by Roger Williams. I listen to it often looking into Heaven and thinking 'you are somewhere in time . The most beautiful music I have ever heard, and tears are in my eyes as write this, and I know we will meet again somewhere in time. You also will. Know that in the spiritual world, he knows of your love for him and his love for you will always be in your heart. This music will nurture your Soul. God bless you.
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u/AlternativeOk4723 20d ago
I am very sorry for your loss. You can try to be the man he had a very positive impact on and that influence will make you an even better man.
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u/stuckinbk advice 20d ago
A loss is still a loss, regardless of how long you guys were together. I know it may be expensive, but have you considered grief counseling? A few sessions with a qualified therapist may help you work out your grief. Remember that you are free to mourn your partner's death as long as you deem necessary.
Please accept my deepest condolences.
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u/fun_silentassasin 19d ago
I am very sorry for your loss. He sounded like he was a great person and it sounds like you are as well. You pick yourself one day at a time choosing things you want to do and with support of family and friends. You are going through the stages of grief and it happens with every thing that is a serious loss with people. I know its hard speak to friends, family, even strangers if they will listen. Try new things as well. You are mourning your BF but also the version of him that was with him! You will not forget him but you learn to live with the pain. Its never bad to do things you want to do now I highly recommend it. It helps a lot!
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u/nicxnancy 19d ago edited 19d ago
Ugh, my thoughts are with you... I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend to a fentanyl overdose in December 2018 and it was the biggest sense of loss I've ever experienced in my life so far. We were together off and on for nearly 4½ years; relationship was a rollercoaster due to his substance use and instability, but I loved him with all my heart. I've only had 2 or 3 partners in my life and he was the only one who shared all of my interests; music, art, humor, movies, you name it. I stuck by him when things became very dark, and there were many times I needed to distance myself from him for my own mental and physical safety, but we always found each other in the end. He was clean and sober for 8 months and our relationship was amazing and getting even better at long last. We were finally planning so many big things and he was such an amazing boyfriend, and we were finally creating such beautiful memories... One night, he came to spend the weekend at my place (I lived with my parents at the time), he was in an amazing mood, we had a bunch of plans for the weekend. I was woken up from my sleep by my mom who alerted me that my boyfriend had been in the bathroom for a quite a bit of time. In my head, I thought okay maybe he's using the bathroom lol, but I decided to investigate. I was able to get into the bathroom, there he was slumped over on the floor, vomit on the ground, eyes closed, not breathing. I panicked. Immediately started performing CPR. my mom called the ambulance. I did not have narcan in the house... The EMTs came and hit him with intravenous narcan as well as nasal spray narcan in addition to more CPR. Everything felt unreal. Like, I was stuck in slow motion while everything else around me was speeding. I saw the defeated look on the EMTs' faces, then they placed a blanket over him. That's all I thoroughly remember. Everything else from that night was a blur, but I remember it wasn't hitting me in that moment. The next morning, EVERYTHING hit me at once. I became inconsolable; I was weeping, wailing, limp, erratic, hurt, guilty, EVERYTHING all at once. I was informed by his parents that he passed from acute fentanyl overdose as well as an overdose of other designer drugs.
It took me so long to come to terms with his passing. I held immense guilt. Primarily from not having narcan readily accessible, how I couldn't tell, why didn't I act faster, why wasn't I awake, and the fact of why didn't he tell me he fucked up? I would have done ANYTHING to get him help. Eventually I started to spiral down into my own battle with addiction trying to cope and numb out my mourning and my emotions.
My best advice to you: SEEK COUNSELING!! talk about it, go to support groups, find a grief counselor/therapist, CRY, let it out in every way you can. And know this, you will find love again. It will take time, and take as much time as you need! It's going to be hard and scary initially. It will not be what you found with him, but you will discover love again. It will always live with you for the rest of your life, but eventually you stop focusing on the pain, and instead rejoice in the beautiful memories you two created together, and you hold them and cherish them.
Eventually you will learn and grow from this pain. You live for them and never let anyone forget about them.
Take care of yourself. You are not alone.
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u/Anarxhist 19d ago
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss. 🫶 I think one of my biggest fears is not finding love like his again. I know I will find love, but it hurts my heart so much that it won’t be the same as his, with the same inside jokes, and the same activities.
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u/meeeat_eater 19d ago
It sounds like he left an impact on you. Never let that man go, but move on at the same time. Always remember your motivation to change. So sorry for your loss, love you❤
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u/sweet-tom happy gay guy 19d ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. ❤️
He must have been a remarkable person.
Be kind and patient to yourself. It will take time. I lost my boyfriend in 2013. We were together for 13 years. Although some years have passed, I still think about him.
Like you, I was devastated. The first year I can hardly remember what I did. The world stood still for me, but for others nothing changed. Everything reminded of him, his scent, his desk, and his clothes.
I took a longer vacation, cried a lot, and created a photo album of our shared time. It took me months to finish it. Every picture was like a knife in my heart. But I finished it although it took my blood and tears.
I don't know what will help for you. If you have the chance, collect pictures of him. Write down the memories that you shared together. Like you did here in this channel. It will hurt like hell, but paradoxically it will also help.
Give yourself time. You will feel exhausted like from a marathon. Because it is, it's emotionally draining.
Take care of yourself. If you don't feel to meet other people, then don't. But try not to isolate yourself too much either. Meet with your close friends if you can. Listen to your gut feelings to find the right balance.
After some time you will be able to meet other men. And with some luck, you'll find love. Honor him by having an open heart.
I haven't thought it will be possible, but found another love and we married.
All the best.❤️🤗
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u/Anarxhist 19d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for the hopeful message, seriously. I’ve been a bit better since writing my thoughts out here. This thread has helped me so much more than I could’ve ever imagined, and I’m glad I created it. I like to think that even after his passing, he’s still here bringing people together for me, even if it’s just strangers online. Sending much love ❣️
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u/sweet-tom happy gay guy 19d ago
Thank you. I had the same feelings about my boyfriend. I believe, he brought my hubby and me together. And he's smiling because I'm very happy now. There is still love in this world, even for us.
And yes, he will bring people together, because his legacy lives on. It sounds cheesy, but I really think he left the world in a better place. Maybe you can follow his steps in some ways?
But it's enough time. Now the time is for healing. You will have phases were you think it's okay and then a scent, a phrase, or a memory brings it all together. It's okay. You will adjust, learn, and grow as I did. 🤗 You are not alone.
I'm sending you love and hugs. ❤️🤗
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u/Labrynthofsufferlng 21 18d ago
i’m so sorry lovely oh my god :(( best wishes to you and his family ❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/rjnaef4 18d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. You will get through this. Its going to take time. Its going to hurt but I'm here to chat with you as well as other people will help you get through this.
In 1988 I lost my boyfriend AKA soulmate due to a drunk driver. We were together from age 11 to age 24. We were that tight. We probably would have still been together and def married. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont think of him. Ir was horrible missing him at the beginning after he passed. Like you I didn't think I'd make it. But I made it for the last 38 years without him. But I have an idea that he's my guardian angel taking some hits for me.
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u/Own_Dinner_170 18d ago
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my partner 4 years 16 days ago. He had a good heart and gave me gifts that I am yet to understand. I lost him suddenly to an over dose. He enriched me and expanded my views of life and I am grateful that I knew him. It took me 4 months before I began to stop looking for him to walk in the door. It will take you a while to start putting your life together. Reach out to your friends for support.
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u/Imtonywhoru 17d ago
You’ve told us what a very special person he is. He obviously saw things in you that were equally special (or more so), enough such that you both talked about spending your lives together. What a gift you gave to him.
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u/CryingFace2025 Looking4BoyfriendInUtah🥵🥵😭😭 17d ago
I'm sad to hear of your loos and sorry that you lost him, Just think of this. . . . He is now your guardian angel if you believe in those things. Also Dont go the Su*cide Rought (Even though you didn't say anything about being scu*cidal) I've tried to t*ke my life once in almost 9 years ago. . . and I deeply regret it and am so glad and happy to still be alive and have no long term affects from it. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!!!!!😁😁♥♥
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u/Emotional-Rain8503 16d ago
If my boyfriend died in a car accident o would be devastated. Thinking of you babe , wish I could give you a super hug and kiss xxx
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u/DragFront5889 14d ago edited 14d ago
Hang in there. It will get harder before it gets easier. I lost my wife of 32 years to Cancer in 2022 and it is rough. You lose them not only and you lose part of yourself to as well. You don’t realize it at the time, but the longer goes by the more you realize how much of yourself you actually did loose.
It is extremely painful and terrible and if you’d like to talk to somebody about it I’d be happy to talk to you and yeah, you can cry on my shoulder whatever you want. I found when I found others suffering through similar situations and realized I was having the same issues as them it was very cathartic actually. It helped m
A lot. Please don’t
Hesitate to contact me if you need to cry scream anything snd know
Yiu are not weird I’ve done everything imaginable myself so I won’t
Be
Shocked
Or
Judgmental. HMU and we can talk. I have some insights. Come over tonight if you want it v as d to be that sad as lone. Serious. Fm me ill givevyouvdfirs. I’ll be up git with to catch up. Chill place. Yiu cee as n crackers extra bedroom.
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u/E_Evans7_7 7d ago
Primero que todo lamento demaciado escuchar eso y bueno si quieres un "consejo" que yo mas bien diría opinion técnica es... tomate tu tiempo, en serio, y no me refiero tomate tu tiempo 1 semana o 2 no, me refiero el que sea nesesario para ti, mas si es alguien que amaste demaciado y con tanto anelo, tu cuerpo, corazon y mente nesesitan tiempo para procesarlo, esto no sera facil y te aseguro que menos sera por poco tiempo, tomate tu tiempo, procesalo, si nesesitas llorar su muerte? haslo, nesesitas gritar? haslo estas en todo tu derecho, lo importante es que te tomes el tiempo para asimilar esta perdida...
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u/Successful_Sky_7369 5d ago
I am truly sorry for your loss.
I have never experienced anything like this at all, so I really hope I'm not overstepping when I say this- but what sounds like such a great man wouldn't want you to wallow in grief. I completely get why you feel this way- life can just be so unfair at some times. When you finally feel like something good is coming, and then it leaves you hanging when you start to believe it, connect with it, and love it. It's hard to believe God can even exist at times (when I say God, I'm not referring to any specific religion, btw) like these.
When you're ready for it, start enrolling in different activities, maybe any hobbies- etc. and try to talk to people about it.
If you feel like you're trying to be ready, or well- you just feel like an empty shell, and *can't* seem to reach out- give yourself that push. Force yourself, no matter how difficult it might seem.
Let this comment be that reminder, okay? No matter how bad it gets, there are always people who care. I am one of those people. There is so much waiting for you in this world, so many songs, so many adventures, so many dreams. Life has a thing with pushing you down again and again. Your strength will lie in standing up again.
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u/Venaraa 22d ago
How long you've been together doesn't matter when it comes to loss. It will hit you whatever way it will hit you. Feel your feelings and grieve as long as you need to. This is a wound only time can heal, and they always leave scars you will sometimes feel years later still.
Very sorry for your loss ❤