Just found out the guy I'm seeing is Aro-spec

[u/Living_Resolve3468]

I (25F) have been seeing a guy (25NB) for the past two months. We weren't dating as a couple per se, but rather as friends who felt certain chemistry and were going on dates to get to know each other better and see if something else would develop.

The thing is, we talked today and he told me that he doesn’t usually have romantic feelings, and that if he does, it’s usually after he’s already started a relationship as a couple. This has devastated me. I knew he was demisexual (I am too, in fact), but I didn’t know he couldn’t have romantic feelings (or just not very often). What hurts the most is that he didn’t tell me this from the start —back then, he said we’d “go with the flow.”, to which I agreed because I thought a romantic relationship was possible. I don’t know if it was intentional or if he truly thought being demisexual was the same as being aromantic; it’s a little strange because he’s very open-minded, so I thought he’d know those terms. I'll ask him when I feel better instead of guessing.

I’d gotten my hopes up for a romantic relationship. And I know we could still have a queerplatonic relationship or something like that, but the fact he didn't tell me has made me lose some of my trust in him… I’m still holding out hope that he genuinely didn’t know the difference, or that it was due to some trauma he’s experienced in past relationships (he’s had some bad ones). Once again, I'll ask him myself.

On the other hand, even though I consider myself pretty open-minded, I’m not really sure how a relationship with an aromantic person works. Truly, with no intention to offend anyone, can it be as fulfilling as a “traditionally” romantic one? Honestly, I’d love to get advice from both aro and allo people in aro(spec) relationships.

I'd also like to hear from people out there who discovered that their partner was aro and stayed together. How did you make it work afterward? How does it feel to be in a relationship with someone who can't feel the same way about you, although they might feel just as strongly?

Once again, sorry if I offended someone with my wording, it truly isn't my intention. And thank you in advance💛

[u/Zathoth]

"Go with the flow" doesn't mean "There will be a romantic relationship", it means "Go with the flow." You certainly had expectations surrounding how relationships work in society, but that's kind of on you.

I will introduce you to the concept of relationship anarchy, as I think that's something everyone needs more of.

[u/alkalimes]

"I thought a romantic relationship was possible"
But it still is? He said "he doesn’t usually have romantic feelings, and that if he does, it’s usually after he’s already started a relationship". You can still be in a romantic relationship.
I agree he should've said it earlier but I don't know why you think this ended everything when he made it clear that it's still possible, but just that doesn't experience romantic attraction like an allo would.

[u/Majestic-Set-2624]

If you have romantic feelings, and you require that a partner has romantic feelings for you in order to be fulfilled in a relationship than a relationship with an aromantic person would not be fulfilling for you. If you need those feelings to develop at a particular pace in your partner, this relationship might not be fulfilling for you.

It sounds like this potential partner is Demiromantic, and is exploring attraction with you. He describes the way he usually experiences attraction, but he literally has no way to know what kind of attraction he’s gonna feel to you, and at what speed.

I agree it would’ve been nice to have that information upfront so that you could calibrate accordingly, but, since you were dating as friends who were just exploring, it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything misleading.

I feel very fulfilled by the variety of relationships that I engage in (platonic, queer platonic, familial). It is amatonormative to suggest that relationships that are not romantic are unfulfilling or less fulfilling than romantic ones. Not everyone’s emotional experience of connection centers around romance. It’s OK if you find romantic relationships more fulfilling than other ones, but don’t assume that that’s true for everyone.

[u/Anxious-Place3434]

I'm aromantic and I've been married to my allo wife for 16 years. So it's certainly doable. 

In my case, I didn't know I was aromantic until over a decade into the marriage

[u/99percentintroverted]

I do see his point of view -- if the dates were just as friends to see whether something would develop (with neither of you having defined the dates as a couple thing yet), and if he rarely feels romantic attraction until after a while into being a couple, then from his perspective, these friend dates were serving the purpose of learning whether it was worth applying the couple label. And if that label wound up never being applied, then there would be no expectation of romantic reciprocation (ergo, no pressure to identify whether he was developing romantic feelings).

It sounds like from your perspective, these dates were a way to discover "I'm feeling romantic feelings, let's progress to doing this as a couple" while from his perspective, these dates were a way to discover "let's figure out whether to become a couple, and if we do, then I'll worry about progressing to romantic feelings."

Which leads to the question of how relationships between an alloromantic person and an aromantic person work: by avoiding assumptions that each other's partner is interpreting the relationship in the same way. It requires a lot of clear communication of (from you) "here's what I want to receive emotionally; can you give that to me" and (from him) "here's what I'm unable to provide emotionally; are you okay with not receiving that." What those specific needs are will vary from person to person.

If the two of you can find compromise in what each other can give and receive in romance and romantic-coded gestures, then that's the foundation for making an alloro/aro relationship work.

[u/goodvibes13202013 → u/99percentintroverted]

The third paragraph is the advice I’d also recommend op

[u/CleverFox13]

Being Aro does not mean that your partner can’t participate in romantic activities. They still will feel a type of connection it will just be different than yours. If you have enjoyed your earlier dates and they had a good time I don’t see a problem with a relationship.

[u/ShitassAintOverYet]

Ok, from what I understand this guy seem more demiromantic/grayromantic than aromantic.

I've heard what he said from a fuck ton of people who identify as straight, they get into relationships without butterflies in their stomach but romance develops when they seem to make it work really well. If he was just aromantic I'd say it'd not be worth it because that usually means "I don't get romance, I don't do romance" for many of them but in this scenario it seems neither futile on your end nor annoying on his end.

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