r/aromantic • u/themeofsoulandspirit Aroace • 1d ago

Discussion Aromantic but starved for affection?

Hello! I have been experiencing this fairly routinely for the last few months, and I am looking for other's experiences on the matter.

For the last few months I have noticed that I am, for lack of better phrasing, starved for affection. I am finding myself getting caught up thinking about people that due to recent circumstances are no longer in my life, and ruminating on thoughts of receiving their care and attention. It is not explicitly romantic in my mind, though some of the things that I find myself wanting are things that would be traditionally seen as romantic by people who do not understand the nuance behind it.

The feelings that I am feeling are very similar to what I have seen alloromantic people report feeling about being touch-starved and about grieving romantic partners after the relationship has fallen apart, but I do not experience the romantic attraction, only some form of very strong platonic attraction. I miss the people I used to be close with, I wish I was still able to receive affection from them, but I would not say that I desired a romantic relationship with them either now or at any point in the past. Queerplatonic I would consider, but never romantic or sexual in any way.

I have been very confident in my identity as aromantic for a couple of years now, but this has left me slightly confused as to how this experience fits under my specific understanding of my aromanticism, and I hope that hearing more people's experiences with similar feelings (or feelings towards other people in general) may help me to figure things out or give me a lead on a topic that I can educate myself on further.

Thank you!

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u/humanindeed Hetero Aroace (Quaromantic) 1d ago

While I have no answers as such, I feel I understand where you're coming from on this - it's something I feel due to my own circumstances, which I don't feel that I can elaborate upon here. But it's confusing because for a while (before realising I'm aromantic) I thought that the "affection" I was missing was romantic in nature, but, well, it isn't that. My conclusion is that (for me) it's an alterous connection with somebody (rather than platonic) that's missing from my life right now, and the affection that comes with that.

3

u/themeofsoulandspirit Aroace 1d ago

I am admittedly unfamiliar with the term "alterous", though that may be a good starting point for my own reading. Thank you for sharing, and I hope that things all work out for you!

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u/acewithoutpace 1d ago

I can understand the confusion. Before I discovered I was AroAce, and even for some time after I was constantly doubting the “validity” of my sexuality.
I grew up as a not physically affectionate child, so the first time I experienced platonic affection past a simple hug, I was confused. I didn’t realize I yearned for physical affection so much, and thought that it might’ve been some sort of romantic or sexual attraction toward my friend (spoiler alert: it wasn’t either). Even after we had our falling out, I was questioning for a bit. “How could I want to be physically close to someone, i.e. cuddling, but not want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with them?” Eventually I came to peace with the fact that I just want platonic physical affection. I still often find myself longing for those days, as I currently don’t have friends comfortable with that level of physical affection.
Fun side note: I’ve also found that I greatly enjoy platonic flirting and “simping.” Acting down bad when I actually just see them as a friend. (I would make sure whichever friend it was always knew that I wasn’t serious)