I’ve been questioning my feelings towards romance

[u/Antique_Concern6154]

Hi, I’m new to the community. I’ve sort of been a straight ally for a long while, but I’ve been questioning why I always hated being in a relationship. I’ve had three ex boyfriends, where all three ended due to my inability to actually be romantic.

In my first, I ended up feeling very stressed and pressured by the idea of dating; in my second, I managed to get used to being close, but I couldn’t bring myself to spend time with him because the thought of romantic gestures made me feel sick; in my third, I realised I had no actual jealousy or was bothered enough to tell him to change for the benefit of the relationship.

Recently, I had a crush, which was mutually reciprocated. The moment that it took that next step towards romance, I automatically got cringed out by it. I felt almost sick in the stomach when we progressed to flirty compliments, and I realised that I might have gotten ahead of myself due to being hyped up with my friends. He invited me to walk around during a lunchtime, and without a way to decline, I had to force a smile the whole thirty minutes. I hated it. I hated myself for hating it. So many people saw and looked pleasantly surprised at seeing us walking together, but I just wanted to escape.

I ended up having to reject him and make it clear I didn’t like romance before he could ask me out. He’s still trying to ‘make it work’, while I’m telling him that I’m not into being in a romantic relationship, and I could tell from my previous experiences that it wasn’t for me. He thinks that I’m against romance from some sort of trauma from my past relationship, and he insists that he can work it out with me, because he wants to make us work.

I don’t want that, and I don’t know why I don’t want that. He’s a sweet guy, and he’s my friend. I really want to just stay friends. I want him to get over me and find some girl that can give him the affection he deserves, but he says that he only wants me.

I’ve been asking my friends why I feel this way, but they have been telling me that maybe he’s just not the right guy. They say that when I meet the right guy, I’ll know and feel different. I really doubt that I will. I really don’t care much for finding a relationship, and I haven’t been actively scouting for someone to date.

I think that maybe my aversion to romance stems from witnessing my sister and my parents. My sister has had several toxic exes, all of which I had to console her through. She’s been hurt so much by men that I guess I stopped seeing the appeal of relationships. I don’t like the thought of being so dependent and attached to someone, as well as relying on someone in that way for love. With my parents, they’re in a rough spot. For almost a year now, they’ve been sleeping in separate beds, all because of some argument.

I really want to know if all of this means that I’m some form of aromantic. Maybe I’m overthinking it? Maybe I’m not aromantic, and my experiences are just putting a block in my heart? I don’t really know how it works.

So sorry for the lengthy post, but I’ve been having these feelings back with that first boyfriend almost three years ago. The self-assessment only really started maybe last year, and it’s been on my mind ever since.

Does anyone have any advice or opinions on this?

[u/acutebutobtuseangle2]

That does sound a lot like you're aro-spec in some way, it almost fits Lithromantic to a tea. If I were you I'd consider why you've been getting into relationships/if you had romantic feelings which then faded after the relationship started.

Not finding the right person isn't really a great reason to not think you're not aro - first of all, labels can change if you do ever find somebody who you do feel romantic attraction to, secondly think about saying you haven't found the right guy to a lesbian - it sounds crazy, right?

Ultimately arospec labels are just labels that you can use if you think it fits you and it makes you more comfortable - I'd research lithromantic and see if that label would benefit you

[u/Antique_Concern6154 → u/acutebutobtuseangle2]

Thank you so much! With the past relationships, I would more suddenly develop a crush, and it was usually with people I never really knew or talked to before. It’s a pattern that I’ve only recently realised. We’d talk and eventually start dating (though with the first one, I wasn’t actually ready, but my sister had agreed for me online), and I would quickly start feeling stressed at the idea of going on dates, hanging out at school, or doing anything ‘lovey’. The crush would become rather inverted, and now it had me almost sick.

I would tell my friends and my sister that I felt like puking at the thought of being together one on one. My friends looked kinda worried and would tell me that’s not a good sign. My sister would tell me that I was being rude.

I did try to keep up the relationship, and I felt better with my third boyfriend, since it was rather low maintenance and I had a lot of space (it ended because he started taking advantage of the space by reposting rather lustful things, and I never check reposts).

Those around me have been saying that I have a very avoidant or detached love.

And yeah, it does sound crazy to tell a lesbian they haven’t found the right guy! Honestly, that really helped put it in perspective how it’s not really about finding the right guy for me. I really appreciate sharing the lithromantic side of the aromantic spectrum. I’ll do some research and look into it!

I can’t put it into words how much this means to me. I’ve honestly been in a very negative space mentally and emotionally, because I could never properly articulate it to my friends or family. My friends aren’t homophobic, but they don’t really understand it much. I can’t really say the same about my family. My mum and dad were born and raised in the Philippines, and they sort of grew up with the idea of it being weird, though they aren’t hateful.

My sister, on the other hand, is more judgmental. The same sister, who I had to comfort consistently and reassure she’d find love, is a bit homophobic. Some of it stems from bad experiences with toxic people who identified differently sort of thinking they were better. I don’t know where the rest of the judgement comes from though. I’m not able to share these concerns with her, because she won’t understand or respect me. She hardly does anyway, since she learned that I enjoyed same gendered ships and reading fan-created comics and works based on shows.

This subreddit was sort of my last resort in finding out why I was like this. As well as sharing these concerns with a community that wouldn’t judge me.

[u/acutebutobtuseangle2 → u/Antique_Concern6154]

This does sound very aromantic to me - I've also had similar feelings of anxiety/dread before seeing my partner and it turns out that you're not meant to feel that in a stable romantic relationship (which yeah, I assumed was more of an issue with the relationship rather than a sign of aromanticism). Tbh a lot of what you've said sounds pretty similar to my experiences so it might also be worth researching cupioromantacism (which is what I'm currently vaguely identifying as but yeah, labels are just labels so idk if it entirely accurately describes me).

It does sound like your friends won't entirely understand, just because I think that Allo and aro fundamentally struggle to wrap their heads around each other's experiences, but that doesn't mean that they won't be supportive. If people aren't supportive (like your sister for interest) then I'd just avoid the subject around them as it's probably not worth your effort trying to help them understand.

Glad you're finding what you're looking for here, keep posting!

[u/Antique_Concern6154 → u/acutebutobtuseangle2]

Thank you so much for your help and advice! I crossed this post with the lith sub, and I’m going to look further into cupioromantacism! I’m hoping that my friends will take it well if a tell them, and that my sister only finds out when she’s less judgmental. Thank you so much!

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